Ugh Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I haven't posted yet - new and just lurking. I have been married for coming up on 6 years (10 years together). My H has been in the past and currently an emotional rollercoaster and verbally abusive with some physical abuse. I feel like I have tried for so long to deal with all this and be the best wife I could be. It wasn't until he left for an extended period (due to work) that I feel that I became 'myself' and independent as an individual. He had somewhat of an 'online affair' and that is when things hit the fan. He moved out for awhile and I was actually happy to not have to deal with walking on egg shells and wondering what mood he would be in that day. Prior to moving back in I scheduled him for counseling and I agreed to go as well, seperate therapists. He moved back in and things fell back into the same ol' thing. I have now moved out for 2 months. I feel satisfied living alone and not having the pressure of dealing with him. He swears he is changing and will change and blah blah, but all I can think is that it will happen for a while and then slip back. Besides, I don't know if I can work on things. I don't know if I can forgive him for all the years of being so emoitionally draining. I just don't know what to do next - any advice?
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I just don't know what to do next - any advice? Have you filed for divorce? That's usually the next step after separation if you want to end your marriage. My exH promised to change too. He and I went to marriage counseling (his idea) after I left and filed. He is still the same abusive, controlling jack-ass he's always been. The only thing is now he is somebody else's jack-ass and not mine anymore. But he still treats me badly. Still calls me names. Still tries to have control over my life through visitation and support. Be prepared for things to get ugly with your husband. Once he knows you filed, if you file, he is going to be like a wounded little puppy dog. His emotions will come flooding out. He will try to play on your good heart. He will make you feel sorry for him and his predicament. He will seem like a mess. Don't buy it. It's just an act. Abuse that's occurred for the better part of ten years just doesn't go away that easily in two months IME. Most of all trust your gut. If you feel as though you can't forgive him for the hell he's inflicted on you, you probably can't. If you feel a sense of relief because you're no longer with this man, going back to him is going to make you feel like a hostage in your own environment again. You know the score. You've lived with him and you've lived without him. Which works better for you?
Author Ugh Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 You really are amaysngrace! thank you so much for the thoughtful words. Yes he is definetly playing on my emotions - big time! I either go numb or get angry start to feel like I maybe should try and then he blows up in one of his fury's and then it is like - HELLO - why the hell would I want to come back to this BS! Besides that - I do not feel anything physcially for him AT ALL - when that happens (or when it USED to happen) I felt like a doll getting f'd. Romantic eh? I haven't filed yet - I don't really know how (never done it before). He doesn't want to use lawyers - I do. We have 4 properties and a small business - he makes way more $$ than I (which is one thing he throws in my face constantly). He could make all that very messy and expensive. He will definetly freakin' flip if he is served and that is the step I think I am most scared of. Thank goodness he doesn't know where I am staying.
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Keep where you live private if you feel safer that way. I have to say I can see why he wouldn't want to use lawyers. They will have a field day with all the money you two have acquired. But I do think they are necessary due to the amount of properties you share. The properties as well as the business all may be subject to equitable distribution depending on where you live, when they were acquired and barring there are no pre-nupts. Without a lawyer you may be not getting what you are rightfully entitled to. Seeing how he was abusive just makes it go more in your favor in a divorce proceding IME. You may want to find an attorney who offers a flat fee for service regardless of how detailed it becomes. You can also ask that your legal expenses be paid by him as part of the divorce settlement agreement. In fact you should. Even if he doesn't pay your lawyer it is another bargaining tool. You will still be responsible for the initial retainer fee to your attorney. Do you have any proof that abuse occurred? Restraining orders, hospital records, anything like that?
Author Ugh Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 No, don't have any proof - I was never hurt badly enough to go to the dr. and was never brave or smart enough to call authorities. Good idea on the atty. (flat fee) I think I will make some calls today. I agree, there is no way that he will be fair when it comes down to it - he is going to be soooo angry and money is where he is going to do the fighting as well as drag me down the hill again emotionally.
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