just found out whats going on!

[wanda98]

This is my first time posting on here. i am in shock after a discovery yesterday and dont know what to do about this!! please help!

 

My BF and I have been together now for a year and a half after a long distance relationship. We have been happy, living together. Yesterday the wife of a guy that he works with made a joke to me about this girl that has a crush on my BF. I laughed and didnt take it seriuosly (because I dont have a lot of time for her, shes off the planet) when I asked her how she knew, she said that she had read an email that her partner and my bf had been sending back and forth to each other at work.

 

after the conversation I got to wondering about it, I wasnt really worried as such just curious. I know my BF's password for his email at work, (I have used it before when mine wouldnt work) so I logged on to have a look at what she was talking about.

 

My BF had sent an email to his friend that there was a girl that he knew that kept 'popping up' wherever he went. He said in an early reply (it was long)that she was good looking, and that he met her through another friend. He went on to say later that he thought that she has a crush on him....because...(this is the scarey part)

1. She knows where we live, and drives past our house all the time.

2. we have moved house three times (twice housesitting someone elses place) and each time she has found out where we live and drove by

3. she got a job working next building to my BF's office

4. Once he looked out our window when we were home and saw her out standing out the front of our house (I was none the wiser obviously!!)

5. When my BF had a ring made for me she went to the same jewellers claiming to be a friend of mine, who loved the ring and wanted to "price the design", he found this out because he saw her go in there and asked the jeweller when she'd gone what she was doing.

6.When we left our first house, there was a open house for prospective tenants, and my BF saw her car there when he was picking up the mail.

 

after reading this I realised who this girl was, by him describing her and where she worked. She had come up to me once at a restaurant and said "you are == girlfriend arent you, hows he going?" I remember getting mad at my BF but he brushed it off as nothing, she was pretty so I remembered her, not one that a girl wouldnt worry about! Then I saw her again, outside of my work parked in her car, and where she works. I thought it was a weird coincidence, but never thought any more of it. A month or so later I met someone who knew her and worked with her, as I knew her name. They told me that she had gone through something pretty terrible a while back with a guy she knew, and that everyone knew about it and felt sorry for her.

 

SO! please answer........two questions

1. what do I say to my BF about this? in his email he kind of played it down, like he wasnt worried, like it was nothing!! (or so it seemed, the emails werent exactly loaded with feelings!) I cant believe it - he is away for work at the moment and I cant talk to him over the phone about this!

2.What do I do about her?? - what do I do, should I approach her?

 

It didnt sound like he was involved with her - his friend has asked him that very question and he denied it saying that he didnt want to 'blow' the relationship with me, and that he wasnt interested at all!!, just that he used to see her everywhere and that they would talk, it seemed like he knew her well enough to speak to...I am freaking out here

[frannie]

Hmm well I think I would ask my boyfriend about it, citing the wife of his workmate as your source for the rumour. See what he has to say about it.

 

On the face of it, it might be that this girl has developed some kind of crush on your boyfriend..? On the other hand... maybe they had something secret going on and he dumped her when you two got together after the long-distance part of your relationship... is that what you're thinking..? Is that possible?

 

I don't think it's a great idea to (have to) go snooping in your partner's emails to check up on them, and I wonder why you would do that... have you been cheated on before, or just not trusting in general or has he given you cause for concern before..?

[wanda98]

I have used his email before, I have even received some emails for me through his account from friends that didnt have my email address. He wouldnt see it as a problem at all, other wise he would change his password - which is my middle name!!! I have no probs talking to him about it, just dont want to do it over the phone.there are no trust issues, I thought it was a joke that I hadnt heard about yet.

 

No he said when he had first met her in the emails and I was with him then.

[ratingsguy]

I don't think you have much to worry about. I also don't condone logging into his e-mail... even if he knows you have the password... because you're showing a severe lack of trust for him. Despite that, from those very e-mails it sounds like he's committed to you alone. Be happy about that.

 

You may want to pass along the comment that friend's wife said to you and see what he says. Or mention you've been seeing this strange girl around a lot acting weird. Either way, try to be coy about it.

[frannie]

Hm OK I was just wondering why your first act wasn't just to ask him about it rather than check up on him like that and reading his mail.

 

I wouldn't approach her, no. I'd wait til I had the chance and talk to him about it. If it sounds like in the emails that it meant nothing much to him, then it might not do. And he might just have thought it was better not to tell you for some reason... any ideas why that might be..? Jealousy, anger..? A history of something like that between you two..?

 

Assuming this was all nothing and it gets sorted out, what I would do is to tell him that if things like this come up you'd rather hear about them from him than someone else! I think trust and communication between partners is number one in a relationship... and he should feel that he can come to you and tell you about it, rather than sharing it with others.

 

Good luck anyway, when you have the conversation.

[Craig]

Wow. Before you get any ideas about getting mad at your bf for her actions take some time to think about what is happening and his ability to control it.

 

Her behavior is that of a stalker. Period.

 

Your bf may not realize how serious these things can become. I'm not saying that anything serious will happen here but he needs to tell her to stop showing up in places that he or you or both of your are. Period.

 

Her behavior is upsetting to you but your bf may just shrug it off or not even be aware of its significance or be hoping that eventually she'll go away.

 

I strongly advise you to talk to your bf calmly, maturely and keep strong emotions out of the conversation. Express your concerns in a way that he understands and get him to tell her to leave him, you and the two of you alone.

 

If necessary start making calls to the police and reporting her behavior. Normally, the best of my knowledge, the police will act only if there is some threat or perceived threat to someone's well being. That is you fear for your own or someone else's safety.

 

Given her irrational behavior and if I were you I'd have a talk with the bf and get him to tell her to stop her behavior and if that didn't work I'd start with calls to the police expressing my fear for my safety. If that didn't work I'd go for a restraining order and upon her violating it call the police again and have her arrested.

[frannie]

I'm just wondering about the ring business.

 

How would she know where your boyfriend got you a ring made, and which one..?

[wanda98]

I dont know about the ring, I dont know how she knew where we were living. The more I think of it, there are people that could/would know her and us....my mind is racing at 100 miles an hour just thinking about it!!! maybe my bf mentioned it to her, if he trusted her he would.

 

I am so worried now, maybe I should talk to the police asap. I dont want to talk to my bf over the phone, I dont know why he wouldnt tell me about this.I dont really want to talk to my friends or family about it either until I get all the facts from him.

[wanda98]

should I approach her?

why would she do this?

[frannie]

I can't understand why you would rather get the police involved or approach her (no!) rather than just pick up the phone and ask him..?

 

And why not tell one of your friends if you're really concerned..?

[whichwayisup]

He needs to understand her actions are CREEPY and stalkerish. A friend doesn't 'follow' someone around, digging into their life, making copies of rings or whatever she was doing. She sounds obsessive and your bf needs to see that.

 

Talk to him, and tell him you saw the email - He may get mad, but own up to it because you snooped first instead of asking him. Tell him what you know from your other friends, how you found out about him/her exchanging emails.

 

Don't try to figure this woman out, she has a crush that has made her WANT your boyfriend, or at best, fantasize that she IS his girlfriend.

 

If this woman comes by your house, without invitation, call the police.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The good thing is that from what you read your boyfriend is trust worthy and doesn't want to jeapordize his relationship with you.

 

The bad thing is that he didn't share it (all of the details) with you. Obviously he was concerned with how you might react. Possibly because you had expressed some concern before. Since you know his status on this I would use this opportunity to be very understanding and supportive but don't think I would ask a lot of questions and I would NOT admit to checking the email. I also wouldn't make it a habbit to do because it puts you kind of in a defensive mode and he will pick on subtle nuances in your attitude. You actually got some very good news but you found out, also, that he might not trust you not to react on something like this. You have a chance to fix this with him without him ever knowing that it was an issue for you. That's really a cool opportunity.

 

The ugly - No doubt he has major red flags from this girl. I'm sure he was atleast amused by her attentions initially but now he senses this is overboard. I imagine that's why he was bouncing it off of his friend. This girl sounds pretty obsessed, I would be careful.

[whichwayisup]

Or the flip side of this is, he is cheating on you with her. Maybe that is how she knows where you live...

 

Talk to him!

[frannie]

He needs to understand her actions are CREEPY and stalkerish. A friend doesn't 'follow' someone around, digging into their life, making copies of rings or whatever she was doing. She sounds obsessive and your bf needs to see that.

 

Talk to him, and tell him you saw the email - He may get mad, but own up to it because you snooped first instead of asking him. Tell him what you know from your other friends, how you found out about him/her exchanging emails.

 

Don't try to figure this woman out, she has a crush that has made her WANT your boyfriend, or at best, fantasize that she IS his girlfriend.

 

If this woman comes by your house, without invitation, call the police.

 

As I read it, the emails are between her boyfriend and his (male) work colleague, discussing what the woman has been doing. No emails have been seen between the boyfriend and the woman.

[wanda98]

I just would rather see his face when I ask him about it, I think that he actions would tell me a lot.

I thought I could trust him, but Im not so sure now. I will consider calling him when I calm down, Im just worried about losing it and crying over the phone.

 

why wouldnt I call the police after reading craigs post! what if it is worse than what I realise. Doesnt she sound dangerous to you?

[whichwayisup]

As I read it, the emails are between her boyfriend and his (male) work colleague, discussing what the woman has been doing. No emails have been seen between the boyfriend and the woman.

 

Yup, that. I'm not fully awake yet.

 

I just would rather see his face when I ask him about it, I think that he actions would tell me a lot.

I thought I could trust him, but Im not so sure now. I will consider calling him when I calm down, Im just worried about losing it and crying over the phone.

 

why wouldnt I call the police after reading craigs post! what if it is worse than what I realise. Doesnt she sound dangerous to you?

 

If her actions are justified (not to you, but to herself) in her own mind if your boyfriend and her are fooling around, then to her she may not feel what she is doing is wrong. If he isn't fooling around with her, then she is definately crossing the boundries!

 

I really hope you and him talk and work through this. And just be aware of everything around you. Keep a camera with ya, write down times/days you see her and where - JUST incase you need it for the future.

[frannie]

I just would rather see his face when I ask him about it, I think that he actions would tell me a lot.

I thought I could trust him, but Im not so sure now. I will consider calling him when I calm down, Im just worried about losing it and crying over the phone.

 

why wouldnt I call the police after reading craigs post! what if it is worse than what I realise. Doesnt she sound dangerous to you?

 

Craig suggested talking calmly to your boyfriend about it.

 

I have no idea whether she's dangerous or not... it's certainly very odd behaviour if it's true. I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about it... but since you now know a lot of facts from these emails and you're getting all worked up about it because people are talking about dangerous stalkers, this is going to be worse the longer you leave it.

 

I really think telling a friend about this is the best idea. People can write all sorts of things on forums and it's better to get a more down-to-earth approach from someone who knows you and your boyfriend and can provide some real-life support.

[wanda98]

There werent many emails in his inbox at all, just recent ones , no older than 10 days I guess so I dont know if she emailed him at any time.

 

I just dont understand why she would behave this way!! she obviously knew that he was in a relationshp, what does she want to acheive by doing this? do you think she wants to upset me?

[wanda98]

I am assuming its all true since he told a good friend about it. There was a definate tone in his emails that he wasnt bothered by it, and I thought (I could be wrong) that he seemed flattered in some ways. He never called her a weirdo or psycho or anything - his friend did and he didnt really agree or disagree. It just worried me that he wouldnt mention it, it makes me think what other secrets is he keeping?

[frannie]

There werent many emails in his inbox at all, just recent ones , no older than 10 days I guess so I dont know if she emailed him at any time.

 

I just dont understand why she would behave this way!! she obviously knew that he was in a relationshp, what does she want to acheive by doing this? do you think she wants to upset me?

 

I don't think it's you she wants to upset... as far as anyone knows you know nothing about it... do you even know who she is or what she looks like..? She seems to have just been following your boyfriend around and watching him and stuff, which is pretty spooky, and I don't really understand why he hasn't told you, or done anything about it.

 

It does seem like the most likely explanation is they had something or other (maybe something as 'insignificant' as some flirting or something..?) and she has either read a lot into it or... well, I don't know. It is possible he was lying to the work colleage about it being nothing. But this is all speculation. If you don't know then I'm sure no one else knows... only your boyfriend. Which is why you need to talk to him first. I mean, if you went to the police, what would you say..? You haven't seen her, she's not approached you or called the house.

[wanda98]

Im not sure why he wouldnt want to tell me, and the more I think of it the more I am starting to think that theres more to it. little pieces of info that I didnt really pay attention to are coming back to me. I have met her and spoken to her (in my first post I mentioned her coming up to me) and I recognise her from where she works, she is 'memorable' because i thought she was pretty, thats why my bf and I argued about it at first, because he had rarely mentioned her and she talked to me like she knew me and him well - like she was a work associate and that he had spoken to her about me (thats what it seemed like). He totally played it down and changed the subject. Why would he lie to his work friend about her doing it if she hadnt? the email started with his friend asking who she was, as he saw them talking somewhere. WHy wouldnt he just say that she was a friend, why would he make it up?

[whichwayisup]

I am assuming its all true since he told a good friend about it. There was a definate tone in his emails that he wasnt bothered by it, and I thought (I could be wrong) that he seemed flattered in some ways. He never called her a weirdo or psycho or anything - his friend did and he didnt really agree or disagree. It just worried me that he wouldnt mention it, it makes me think what other secrets is he keeping?

 

Oh I'm sure he is flattered by her attention, nice ego boost. But, I really hope he isn't leading her on or letting her get her hopes up, if you know what I mean....

 

All you can do is pay attention abit more, and definately talk to him about all this. Don't accuse him of anything, just say you're concerned about it. See how he reacts, go from there.

 

Im not sure why he wouldnt want to tell me, and the more I think of it the more I am starting to think that theres more to it. little pieces of info that I didnt really pay attention to are coming back to me. I have met her and spoken to her (in my first post I mentioned her coming up to me) and I recognise her from where she works, she is 'memorable' because i thought she was pretty, thats why my bf and I argued about it at first, because he had rarely mentioned her and she talked to me like she knew me and him well - like she was a work associate and that he had spoken to her about me (thats what it seemed like). He totally played it down and changed the subject. Why would he lie to his work friend about her doing it if she hadnt? the email started with his friend asking who she was, as he saw them talking somewhere. WHy wouldnt he just say that she was a friend, why would he make it up?

 

It could honestly be just innocent flirting on his side, but it seems she's taking it out of context and reading more into it than there really is. I don't know if he is capable of cheating on you, I certainly hope not - So all you can do is talk to him about her behaviour and how odd it is, and how it's making you feel. Bottomline, he loves you and hopefully will tell this woman to back off.

[wanda98]

should I tell him about reading the emails or just mention the conversation I had with his friends wife?

my sister is on her way here, I am going to tell her about it - even though I feel uncomfortable about saying anything without knowing the facts.

oh god I hope that he isnt having an affair with this psycho.

[whichwayisup]

Both. Don't hide anything...Be upfront. He may be pissed off that you read his emails, but in all honesty, if he has nothing to hide and there's nothing going on between them then he won't over react. He'll see that this womans behaviour is freaky and needs to stop - or HE needs to stop whatever it is he's doing which is feeding into her obsession with him.

 

If he is having an affair with her, then her behaviour isn't as freaky as you think. Yeah it's wrong of her to be following him, seeing who you are, where you live - But that could be out of pure curosity too, I don't know.

 

Talk to your sis, see what she thinks and hopefully she'll have some ideas on how to handle this situation carefully. I don't think it's fair right now to accuse your bf of cheating on you, but at the same time, you DO have every right to feel concerned because of this woman's behaviour. She's making you feel uncomfortable.

 

Good luck and let us know how things go.

[BlueEyedSarah]

I think you should keep an eye out for this girl and if you keep seeing he watchign your boyfriend then maybe mention it to him by saying you have seen her around alot and you think she might be stalking the both of you and maybe you should get a restraining order set on her because it sounds like she IS stalking.