Lost myself ..

[crzy1884884888848888]

My ex and I were together for almost 2 years. In oct of last year we broke up. I had made the decision because I felt that we werent cut out for each other. I felt that he wasnt giving me his all. I felt that he didnt care about me in the same way I did him. Our relationship had always been rocky. We fought a lot. But for some reason, at the end I always wanted to stay with him. Im not sure if it was just convienent, but I do think that I love him. I think the fights were mostly my fault. Maybe I expected too much. That I should just have been happy with the way things are and not always pick at things.

 

Well after a month, I contacted him. Said that I missed him and wanted to see if we could work on things. He told me that he didnt know. That he felt that school was the most important thing to him right now. And it seemed as though we always stress each other out and he doesnt feel that he makes me happy. Eventually he told me that when school was out.. we'd talk more about it. That he just needs his timer ight now. So I gave him that. Hoping for a fairy tale.

 

Finally when school is out.. he still barely has time for me. But I gave him his space. Thinking that as long as I go along this relationship as he wants it.. things will be fine. But of course they didnt. During christmas was when I became crazy. I felt that things werent going the right way.. and that he didnt seem that he really wanted to work on things. So when I confronted him. He responded and said that he still really cares about me.. but doesnt think that he'll be able to love me in the same way again. He didnt think that it would work out. That we were just at different points in our lives. I went crazy. I was so hurt. Because he made it seem like everything would be ok. But ddnt say anything to me until i confronted him. So that's when I went suicidal. I was on the phone with him for 3 nites in a row. Talking about how I was going to kill myself. Beacuse if I didnt have him.. I dont have antyhing. I even drove to the city on the 3rd nite.. and sat by the pier. He pleaded with me on the phone.. and said that he'd do anything for me to just go home. And finally I went home. Again, thinking that everything will be ok.

 

We had a huge fight on new years eve. I wanted him to do one thing.. and he didnt want to cooperate. He told me that I was being selfish for not letting him do what he wanted to do. So finally I gave in. He wanted to sleep before 11pm. And tat's what I gave him. He came over for dinner and left a little while afterwards. Called me and said he was home.

 

So things were ok for a while. A couple weeks i guess. We weren't 'officially' together. But he said that if the 'title' was that important to me.. one of these days. He'll ask me out again. Which I thought was cute. He still kissed me here and there. We werent like we use to be. We havent been sexually active for a month. But I accepted it for what it was. School has started. And we've both been busy. We call and text each other through out the day. But didnt see each other often. But again, I thought that this is the type of relationship that he wants. So in order for us to stay together. This is how I have to be.

 

He came by friday nite. We watched a movie. A little cuddling.. and then he went home. Called me before he went to sleep. Today.. he called me and said that he was going to come over for a bit during the evening. So I was happy about that. And while we are on the phone.. he asks me to go onto instant messanger so he can send me a few things he wants to photo shop. And on accident he sent me a picture that was dated 12-31-06 of 3 girls and 3 guys.. all in couples hugging. He was one of them.

 

With a girl. That he said he was just friends with. What ticked me off was... we got into a huge fight about him staying up late on new year's eve.. and now i see a picture of him on that night with another girl?! I know if you're reading this, you're thinking.. why the hell am I still in love with im and won't let go? I dunno.. if i did.. then i wouldnt be on this forum.

 

So finally I said something. "uhm.. did you send this picture on purpose?" Of course he said no. I was furious.. I told him how hurt I was to see his arms around someone else. That he shouldnt have lied to me. He said he didnt. He gave me some bs reason on why he ended up going to that party.

 

He told me that he's not dating her. He just kinda likes her. He told me that he still really cares about me. But we are OVER. He can't love me the way he use to. He can't be my bf. He can't be my future husband. He said in the past weeks.. he tried. And at times he felt that it was slowing coming back. But he doesnt think that it will ever come back. He told me to move on. That I deserve better.

 

Of course. I flipped out again. I don't know why im so crazy right now. I just hate how.. I start to think evertything will be ok.. and then BOOM I question him and THEN he decides to tell me. Emotionally, I can not handle this hit. I tried to use suicide again to hold him. I told him that I was sorry that I have to do this.. but its the only way that I can keep a hold of him. Even though I know each time I do this.. I'm losing him more and more. It's the only way. I use my life as a gamble.

 

He was pretty pissed off at this point. He hates how emotional i get. I kept asking him about that girl. If that's who he wants to be with. If that's who he's chosen over me. He kept saying no. That he doesnt want to be with anyone. He honestly just wants to concentrate on himself and his studies. I know this is all a crock of ****. We ended up on the phone for 4 1/2 hours. Running in circles.

 

During this time.. he finally said that he'll do anything that I want him to do. That i win. I asked him to just be with me. He said he'd always be here as my friend. I told him that I couldnt stand by and see him with other people. He said that eventually we'll both have to move on. He said that he loves me. but we are over. So I used his words against him. I said if he'll do anything I want him to do.. then stay with me. He told me that he could only pretnd to love me.. and what if he wanted to be with someone else. would i be ok with that? I told him no. He could only be with me. he asked me.. but what if down the line.. he still chooses the same road.. will i try to use suicide against him again? i told him i dont know. This ran in circles for the whole 4 1/2 hours.

 

If you've read this far. You must all think im insane. I'm just helpless. And trying to use whatever possible to keep him. I know it's not healthy.. and i'm hurting myself more and more. But I really don't know what else to do. I don't want to live without him. He gives me the motivation to work harder and succeed. wihtout him i feel so alone and lost.

 

By the end of this long treacherous phone call... we got to the conclusion of.. he'll do whatever I want him to do. But he also sad, 'i'll be with you.. but i won't love you.. is that ok?!' And of course its not ok. So therefore, we started to go back in a circle again. He got really mad and hung up on me. a few minutes later.. he texted me.. 'dont txt me, don't call me. i'll see you tomorrow. good ****ing nite'

 

Theres nothing left for me to do. Except mourn and probably get some help. Im so sad.. that someone can fall out of love with me. After 2 years... he fell out of love with me in 1 month. He said after that month he got over it. And theres nothing I can do.. to get him back. I'm so helpless. I've given him everything. Literally.. my dignity.. pride.. heart.. tears.. sleep.. health. My whole world is in pieces. Yet he still lives like a king with no remorse. Though he says that i'm hurting him by doing this... I know that he's just here because he doesnt wnt me to hurt myself. He told me himslef. I just thought that maybe.. since he cared enough to go this far.. that we'd still have a chance.

 

i'm so tired of everything. i seriously wish i was never born. i never want to feel like this again. the pain of someone telling you that they don't love you anymore. for a man to be this cold to me. to just toss me away like yesterday's news. i wish i had enough courage to really commit suicide. but everytime i think about the concequences.. my family.. my friends.. my responsibilites. I dont want to leaveg a mess behind for someone else to clean. But living like this through the day.. is heart wrenching. I can never keep myself busy enough to not feel the pain. how I wish he still loved me.

[Guest]

I know this may not be much solace, but you have NO idea how lucky you are that it was 2 years and not 10, 15, 20.....

 

Mine has been going on for almost 15. That's FIFTEEN excruciaing, tormenting, heart-wrenching years with someone who doesn't want me but wouldn't leave me. And when I confront him for not just being honest with me and letting me go he says "Hey, I've tried. You know how it's been for years, so why don't you leave already???" Hurtful eh? He's become pretty open for the past 2 yrs, telling me he's REALLY attracted to other girls and wants to have sex with other girls, that he's not attracted to me anymore, not happy, perhaps we should try an open relationship, etc.... then when I pack to leave he's like "Wait. Look, I still love you, I just don't know how to make things better. Don't go yet." We have sex once every 2-3 months, and it's routine, boring, terrible and we end up stopping. It has been miserable. But even still, I have a future and look forward to it, making new goals and dreams every day. I have never once thought of killing myself over him, even when I laid crying all night for dozens and dozens of nights. My tears by now would fill a bath tub, no doubt.

 

Suicide????? Don't you dare. That is.... don't you dare waste your person over someone else who doesn't have love or passion for you. I could understand it more if it were someone who was in love with you, and you were crazy about each other, and that person died. Ya know, a widow. But this????

This **** is incredibly painful, I know. But I know something else. I felt excruciating pain once before by being broken hearted before my current beau, and nowadays I'm so glad that boy is in the past. And when I think back.... I wish I would've accepted the many months of severe, tormenting pain and heartbreak over this 15 yr joke of a relationship rather than let it painfully drag out with a slow death as it is now.

 

Do yourself a favor..... accept the excruciating pain you're feeling right now and know that it IS IS IS temporary. And down the road you WILL be happy it didn't suck up 10, 20, 30 years of your life.

 

I have watched nearly a dozen of my girl friends dump and be dumped over the past 2 yrs. And every one of them are much better off, even after a 2,4,6,and 8 year relationship where they cried for many many nights.

 

I wish I would've just taken the pain and left 14 yrs ago, the 1st time he broke my heart. I would be so much happier and successful in life now.

 

Remember, wounds don't just heal up overnight. Yes, it will take time, just like a broken ligament. Treat your heart and spirit like any other body wound. Accept the pain and give yourself time to heal.

Trust me, as I am currently tending to my own wound of 15 yrs, while looking for a studio apt to move into.

 

Yes, you're lost for now. But even more proof your relationship wasn't healthy. You need to grab your life by the horns and reclaim yourself.

You get only one go at life. Time to take some pain then have a go at it.

 

I promise, you'll be happier later.

[Lovestoomuch]

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. To be harsh for just a second, if you kill yourself, you'll be dead...no more pain...good for you. What you will selfishly leave behind are family members and friends who will be leaft devastated for the rest of their lives wondering why their love and support wasn't enough, and why you chose to kill yourself over some guy. Every Christmas and Thanksgiving will not only be ruined, but will become painful reminders that you aren't there. And for a stupid f*cking reason. I'm in the same boat you are and it hurts when someone doesn't love you anymore...believe me I know. But there is no way in hell I'm going to end my life over some person that I will get over.

 

PLEASE!!!!!!! If you a thinking about suicide, call the national hotline and talk to someone!!!! 1(800)SUICIDE or 1(800)784-2344

[ratingsguy]

Theres nothing left for me to do. Except mourn and probably get some help. Im so sad.. that someone can fall out of love with me. After 2 years... he fell out of love with me in 1 month. He said after that month he got over it. .... Though he says that i'm hurting him by doing this...

 

Yes, PLEASE seriously talk this out with a professional or at the very least, someone who is close to you.

 

I'm guessing this is the first time you've had your heart broken. It's going to hurt. There's no way to sugarcoat that. You need time to mourn. Don't contact him until you are completely over him. Seeing him, talking to him, texting him, etc. will make the healing take much longer. From all accounts, this relationship is dead. He needs to be removed from your life now, so you can move on. I'm sorry to have to say it, but it is the only way your life can eventually go back to normal.

 

I doubt he fell out of love with you in exactly 1 month, but it probably progressed over time. One thing I will tell you... threatening suicide will NOT endear him to you at all and it will (and probably already has) do nothing but drive him further away, regardless of whether or not you're serious. You WILL get over this, but only if you try. I think we've all contemplated suicide once or twice after a really bad break up... but in the long run we all know that life can only get better, and the pain is NEVER so great that the only exit is to take one's life.

 

Again, please call someone and ask for help. Good luck to you.

[D-Lish]

Unfortunately, you're using guilt as a weapon to keep him.

That will only lead to resentment on his part, as I'm sure it already has.

You can't make someone love you...it's just not possible.

 

You may be able to hold onto him for a short, unfulfilling while with the threats to harm yourself. But that will never be the same as "having" him.

That's not fair to do to him~ and it's not fair to do this to yourself either.

 

If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, you have to do the healthy thing and move on. No more threats of harm, no more drama.

You have to pull yourself together and seek some help.

 

I know you don't actually want to harm yourself, you just want the pain to end. And it will- if you accept that it's over and put forth some of the energy you've been using to get him back, into healing yourself.

 

You have to take a step back and settle down a bit.

You really should talk to someone professional about what is going on.

 

Let him go hun. Look after yourself.

D