ninga317 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 my boyfriend of 1 1/2 year has broken up with me 3 times. we've always gotten back together shortly after, but this time i'm not going to go back with him. he has totally crossed the line. to make a long story short, his wife died 13 years ago from cancer. i knew him before that and we were always friends. always had friends in common...cut to us...getting interested in eachother in june of 2005. it would be really good for 6 months at a time, but then all of a sudden he would want to break up, saying that he wasn't sure about what he was doing. (there's a whole lot more to his past that i would be willing to answer). anyway, let's just get to the last couple of days. he was in alabama for a month taking care of his dad over christmas and new years. that's fine with me...family comes first. we broke up right after thanksgiving, and he left two weeks after that. we were in touch the whole time he was gone. four or five times a day he would call me. he would always talk like we were still together. talking about what we need to do when he gets home. well he gets home after a month, and he didn't come to see me until a day and half later. when he finally came over i told him that i couldn't do it anymore. (that i wasn't a priority to him) the next day he calls me like i never said anything to him about our relationship. (he came over and ate, as i've done at his house. we've known eachother for fifteen years and always share recipes and food) i guess my short story is turning into a long one, so i will get to the point. the other night when he came over to eat, i kinda rushed him out because i was supposed to meet some friends. he asked me if i was going out and i said yes, that i had plans. he asked me if i had a date. i said no, that i was just meeting some friends for a while. we cleared the air about whether we were going to go out with other people, and he said that he didn't want me to go out with other people, and that he wasn't going to either. that cleared, i went out, i went to a bar that we usually go to, but i didn't expect to see him there because i thought he going home after he ate. so he was there when i got there, and we ended up hanging out toghether for a couple of hours before i had to meet my girlfriend. he was very attentive, telling me how good i looked, and how good i smelled, and we just had a good time together. when i left to go meet my friend, he walked me out saying that he wanted me to come over to his house when i got done, and believe me, i wanted to. there's nothing better than going out with your friends and knowing that there's something to look forward to when you come home. anyway... so i leave my friends early (not that early, but earlier than i would have normally) i call him to tell him i'm on my way........and here comes the clincher...he tells me that he doesn't think that "out little interlude wasn't a good idea" WHAT?! i went ballistic!!!! are you kidding me??!!! you just told me that you didn't want me going out with anyone else, but i can't spend the night with you??!! well i am so done with this mind **** game i can't believe he pulled this crap on me. i called him the next day, and said "what is you problem" he says that he doesn't think that he can be a good boyfriend to me. i have gone totall nc on him ever since. i mean i can't believe he pulled that crap. there is so much more history to this relationship (some good and some bad) but i didn't want to go any longer than i already have, but just let me tell you that we are not young. i'm 42 and he's 58. isn't that unreal to think that you can still go throught these problems at this age? we are both professoinals at our jobs. it just goes to show you that no matter how much money you make or what your standing is in society, that everybody has the same heartaches and the same relationship problems. anyway sorry so long, but i think this is going to be a back and forth situation for us for quite a while, because it seems like we can't leave eachother alone. any opinions are welcome, although i already know in my brain, what i should do, but doesn't your heart make you stupid????!!!!
Guest Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 i had no idea what that was about sorry is there anything u are leaving out? it sounded like u are dating someone and that yer friends are more important than yer boyfriend, and he is a little old for bf status, why are u not married? and it also sounded like u have a female 'friend'. is this "bf" a man u work with? and it sounds like yer life is complicated - a much older man, u work with, have dated for 2years, and a female 'friend' as well - what about previous to 2005 - any other information?
Author ninga317 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 thanks for the short, and direct reply. although i guess i was looking more for similar situations, than looking for and answer. i know what the right thing to do is, but, i guess i'm just trying to find out if there are that many other people on this site that go through the same kinds of games. he sent me really expensive jewelery for chrismas (a ring and earrings) and this was after he broke up with me. i know that he loves me, but i really think that he has commitment issues. i've been reading this site for a year, on and off, and i know what i would say to someone in my situation. maybe i'm just looking for somebody that has been where i am, and it turned out good for them. our relationship has been very good for most of the time, but it seems like he gets scared. he's had prostate cancer and it was cured, but it left him with other problems (if you know what i mean) and that doesn't help. although it's never been an issue with me, i'm sure that this is part of his insecurity and apprehentions about being with someone. either way, his way of going about things is totally messed up. i've always been there for him, and basically he's been there for me too, but he's going through alot of changes in his life right now...retirement, finances, father that is not doing well. i guess this was just a bad time for us to get together. maybe if it would have been earlier or later, it would have been different.
alasia Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I'm in a sort of similar situation to you, in the sense that I felt (and still feel) that I'm not a high enough priority to my boyfriend, and he seems to be playing mind games. I posted my story in another thread so I won't bore you with the details, but basically our relationship has been stormy - both of us have messed up at different times but this time, it was me. He decided he needed to take a break to "sort his head out" but wouldn't tell me whether he wanted complete NC, how long the break would last or anything. I was just supposed to sit and wait for his call. After 9 days (we did see each other or text most days, because I'm not great at the NC thing!), I went to meet him (he's a bus driver). Stayed with him until the end of his shift because we were getting on really well, and he asked me to come back to his place and stay overnight. I refused at first, he kissed me a couple of times and eventually I agreed to go back to his house. We ended up sharing his bed (and I'm sure you can guess the rest) and I spent 3 nights over there. We were doing 'couple stuff'; I'd put my legs over his lap when we were sitting on the sofa, we slept together a couple of times, he was using his pet names for me...it was how we were before the break, except no one was allowed to know I was there (he said it wouldn't be right yet). He said he still loved me, so I assumed we were back together (I think I asked him at one point, and he said he did see us as a couple again, but we'd have to take it slowly.) I went back to his place again last night, after 2 days of him being really cold and distant - not replying to my text messages, making snide comments about another ex of mine, just being horrible. I only went back to clean my rats out (which are kept at his place) but he let me stay over. For some reason I asked him to come upstairs with me, eventually he did but said I couldn't talk all night (about 'us'). I agreed and we did end up sleeping with him behind me, his arm round me and his legs over mine. I asked him to do it and he did - which I thought was weird if he didn't still have feelings for me! (as he'd said that night) This morning he dropped me back home and I got him talking about us again. He said he does still have feelings, but that's all he'd say - apart from that he had to go, as he had to go out for a drink with his friends at 12 (as he does every sunday) and that he'd phone me when he got home. I said there was no need as I had nothing more to say, but I still kind of expected a phonecall or text message from him. It didn't come. So I've come to the conclusion that either he's playing me and messing with my head (he says he isn't but that's how it seems, isn't it?) or he's genuinely very confused. Either way I'm going to start complete NC as of now, and it's up to him to get in touch. I very much doubt he will, but we'll see. Sorry this post ended up so long, I have a habit of rambling on! What I'm trying to say is when you love someone, it's easy to make excuses for their behaviour. I do it with my boyfriend, saying that maybe he genuienly is worried about going back on his word or what his family/friends will think if we get back together, and while I'm not saying your man doesn't have a lot to deal with, maybe tell him how you're feeling (basically what you've told us, but edited to just contain the facts) then step back and continue with the NC, see what happens. He might start to miss you and realise that his priorities need to change - either that or he needs to open up more. And if he doesn't get in touch, he obviously wasn't right for you.
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