sb129 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I have been reading a bit of this bord here and I had a few things go tho my head. 1st off let me say that im a usa born citicen liveing in nz. Just from what I have experanced in this end of the world. It apears to me that the women isent always seen as the mans equil fully in the relashionship. Def no weres near like they are back in the states. Its more expected for the man to make most of the desions and the wife to go along with it. Now im not putting any one down please dont get me wrong. Its just my personal observation haveing spent some time here. So this may be why he just did it with out telling you and expected you to say ok... Don;t know what part of NZ you are living in mate, but that doesn't sound like the country I know and love. I have an extremely mutually respectful, trusting, EQUAL relationship with a man and we are BOTH from NZ. New Zealand was the first country to give women the vote in 1897, it has a female prime minister, at one time BOTH major political parties were led by women, AND the governor general was a woman at the same time. And BTW Blue Phoenix, your spelling is terrible. But what would I know, being an inferior kiwi woman and all. If you are going to throw such allegations about the country you reside in, perhaps you should bother to find out a little bit more about it.
Blue Phoenix Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 ---And BTW Blue Phoenix, your spelling is terrible. But what would I know, being an inferior kiwi woman and all. If you are going to throw such allegations about the country you reside in, perhaps you should bother to find out a little bit more about it.--- Umm ok I don't rember calling kiwis inferior did I???? Im sorry if you feel that way if you had saw what I wrote I did say I wasent trying to put any one down.So I realy dont understand your need for a personal attack on me here. Realy its a bit puzzeling hmm ok what ever makes you feel better I supose. I was simply refering to the situations I have personaly seen since I have been here. And the differances I see between the 2 countrys usa and new zealand. And if my spelling bothers you so much then please by all means dont bother to read it. I stand by what I wrote as my personal experances thats all..
sb129 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 You made what I consider to be an unfair and inaccurate slight on my home country. OK, maybe being rude about your spelling was unfair, but thats an observation I made. FYI I was just giving you a few facts to make you learn a bit more about New Zealand since you obviously didn't know them. NZ is not a sexist country. Not at all. I am not a burning bra type feminist, but all prominent feminists in the world would agree that NZ is a forerunner when it comes to both womens AND minority groups rights. Take a look around you and perhaps dig a little deeper? When we move back to NZ, my husband and I will be making decisions together. I most certainly will not just go along with whatever he says, and not one couple I know from NZ(and that includes friends, countless family members, my parents, my siblings, my school friends etc etc) conducts a relationship in this way. My man and I have equal levels of education (both postgraduate, both received at NZ and international universities), and guess what- I make more money. Not that that matters. He might be a househusband- hes cool with that. Just so you know, and don't tar everyone with the same brush. I don't mind you having an opinion, but you have made a such a sweeping, inaccurate statement that I felt compelled to show you the other side of the coin.
sb129 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Sorry for the threadjack Maree. Bluephoenix is wrong, you will be fine in Australia. Like all countries it has its problems, but its not a bad place to live. I am sure Magichands will swoop on in and have his say now. Let the fun begin!
Blue Phoenix Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 --Sorry for the threadjack Maree. Bluephoenix is wrong, you will be fine in Australia. Like all countries it has its problems, but its not a bad place to live.-- Why am I wrong just because I have had diffrent personal experances from you and have formed my own opinions from it?? Just because you have had wonderfull relashionships and your friends and family also dosent mean every one else has. I wasent putting your country down at all I think its a great place. I was stateing the differances from what I see with the usa and nz. Just because some ones view dosent agree with yours dosent mean its wrong or that there putting down your country. Yes maybe it is inacurate from what you have experanced but each persons experances are diffrent!!
sb129 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 You made it sound like your personal experience is the "way things are done" in NZ. Which they aren't, IMO. Maybe they are with the people you hang out with, but you shouldn't be saying an entire country is like that. I don't want to argue with you. I wanted you to see that there is more to NZ than you are saying, and wanted to let you know a few facts about the country you have chosen to live in. Thats all. So get out there and enjoy it, and meet some more people. You know how friendly they are, take up every opportunity.
Author marree1 Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 Egads, my thread has been hijacked and is going to Cuba! Update: We are in communication now but he is adamant that he is just helping this kid. The kid's mother has called but to the best of what I've been told, there has been no demands on financial aid for the 'kid'. Fiance still cannot understand why I am upset; he calls it "Groundhog Day.'
RecordProducer Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Marree, you are totally right about this. You are getting married and moving in together. Moreover, you are going to live in his country and his house/apartment. He has no right to bring in someone you don't want to live with. It's not his son or parent or sibling. He is not rersponsible of this loser and owes him nothing. He should be out of the house BEFORE the wedding! Don't move to Australia until the guy is out of the picture.
Blue Phoenix Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Cuban Groundhogs ok im lost lol jk.. I do agree tho with RecordProducer if hes going to marry you then he should be careing more about how you feel about all this. Just think if hes going to be like this now how will he be after you guys get marryed something to think about I think any ways. And also you will be in his country in his place with his family around you and his friends guess whos side they would be on most of the time im guessing its not going to be yours even if hes wrong. Dont mean to be a party pooper but sounds like you might want to give this hole thing a good thinking over before hand.. yea and whats with the "ground hog" day thing any ways? I dont get it.
RecordProducer Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 And also you will be in his country in his place with his family around you and his friends guess whos side they would be on most of the time im guessing its not going to be yours even if hes wrong. Dont mean to be a party pooper but sounds like you might want to give this hole thing a good thinking over before hand.. That's another subject - a very good one. I moved to the United States to be with my new husband. His whole family is in the area, his brother lives next door. They rejected me from the very beginning, ignore me openly, literally turn their heads away from me, gossip about me everywhere, criticize me about the stupidest things that are none of their business, and altogether show disrespect. While taking this whole abuse from them, I have no one here, no friends, no family, no job. I only have my 8-year old kids and my mother-in-law as my only friend (she has experienced the same type of abuse from them so she is on my side), if I don't count my internet friends who live far away; they've been very helpful and supportive. My husband fights with my in-laws because of me and has given away a great deal of his communication with these people, but still things are not good. It's his family and he defends them when I complain about how they treat me. Geez, I sound like a broken record with my in-laws story...
sb129 Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Cuban Groundhogs ok im lost lol jk.. I do agree tho with RecordProducer if hes going to marry you then he should be careing more about how you feel about all this. Just think if hes going to be like this now how will he be after you guys get marryed something to think about I think any ways. And also you will be in his country in his place with his family around you and his friends guess whos side they would be on most of the time im guessing its not going to be yours even if hes wrong. Dont mean to be a party pooper but sounds like you might want to give this hole thing a good thinking over before hand.. yea and whats with the "ground hog" day thing any ways? I dont get it. I totally agree with Blue phoenix.... Living in a new country can be tough enough without the additional stress of this situation (which could be avoided). Record Producer I am really sorry to hear about your experiences.. Its their loss if they don't want to cultivate a relationship with you..
Blue Phoenix Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 --"It's his family and he defends them when I complain about how they treat me"-- I'm very sorry to hear that Record Producer they sound a bit backwards just wondering what part of the states in genral? I dated a guy from the south like that his family wouldent except me totaly eather. I saw him for about 2 years he lived at home and in all that time I never was alowed to visit the family home. We spent x-mas in a hotel for 2 years before I packed in it. But like sb said its def there loss if they dont wanna give you a fair chance.. Ok sorry for getting off subject here....
sb129 Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Blue Phoenix, you and your funny statements about people's traits being because of where they come from!!! Maybe its just cos they aren't very nice? There are mean people everywhere!!!! And "backwards" ones.... Whats the weather like in NZ.... am going for a holiday in april.. can't wait.
RecordProducer Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Record Producer I am really sorry to hear about your experiences.. Its their loss if they don't want to cultivate a relationship with you..It's my husband's loss actually. Thanks. just wondering what part of the states in genral? Phila, but they are not American at all.
Blue Phoenix Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 How could you not say that peoples traits are because of were they come from to a degree.Its your enviroment and the people around you that helps infeluence how you think no? Sure there are def exceptions to this I wont argure that. Now far as the nz thing I had been talking about earleir. I would like to add something that I forgot to mention before. I had been noticeing that behaviour mostly from my friends parents and there friends. Witch are all in there 70s or around that age so it might just be a age differance thing.How ever there son has also showed the same kinda thinking IE acting like he should be in control of any relashionship.Notice I said my friend not my partner but that could be a hole other thread lol..Any ways hope maybe that cleared that up a bit sorry dident mean to sound like I was trying to say its all of nz. Maybe Ive just ran into a family with some very old ways of thinking im guessing any ways. Well its been kinda odd weather here lately in the north island. Cold and a bit rainey at times then kinda realy warm days in between.. Sorry to the orignal poaster dident mean to get off subject here again..
Author marree1 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Hmm. We have emailed a few times in the last week but as of this post today, I haven't heard from him either by email, voip or phone for 3 days. I offered the olive branch last time but it is a 2-way street. I guess we are creeping toward the demise of this relationship. He said he would see a counsellor (which he had a few weeks before he dropped the bomb re his roommate); perhaps he has or hasn't. I know he is depressed and he has had felt guilty over leaving his exwife for the mother of this young man who is living with him - almost 15 years ago! I understand as we grow older we make mistakes and have regrets, but to look back to a relationship from so long ago only leads me to believe that there is more than just an offer to help this young man. Fiance is attempting to alleviate the guilt from the past. I hope he can one day review what we had for 3 years and not have any malingering as to what could have been between us and the future that was ours to have. I feel I have a clearer idea that this 'kid' may have been our downfall but it may have been a blessing in disguise.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 They say it's better to find out now rather than later. Sure, there's truth in that, but it doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow, now does it? There must be something in the zodiac, the biorhythms, the moon phases, about today. It's like it's Friday the 13th for LS or something. All the posters I have rooted for (sans pom poms, but still rooting!) have posted negatively. I offer you condolences and solace in the face of a dream that may not come true marree 1. I'm a bit down myself that things don't seem to be working out they way they should be. I think I care too much about the happiness of others sometimes.
Author marree1 Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 Sorry about the thread necromancy but I recall writing in and almost 2 years later I'd give an update. We got married January 2008 in my country in North America. The day after our marriage we had a bit of a dispute because he had fallen asleep on our wedding night. He is older, as I had previously mentioned (I think) but I was good natured about it. He got angry and said he would file for a divorce when he got back to Oz. Then I cried and he cried. I have been living in N.A while preparing and waiting for my spousal visa. It arrived in October. He left my country in March and we haven't been living together yet; I was to move in February '09 and have been making preparations. Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen this: when there are problems in the beginning, it doesn't mean it will get better with time. My husband's aloofness, crankiness, at times utter cruelty,hanging up on me,yelling, manipulation, lack of compromise and discussions, listening to what he wants to hear and if he doesn't like it he shuts me down, his passive-aggressivity ... well, enough is enough. He treats others better than I and he cannot let go of his demons. I suppose I don't bring the best out of him. It is with a heavy heart that I will be filing for divorce. He is a decent man, intelligent but is better off without me. This will be his third relationship failure. He regrets so much in his life that the baggage is insurmountable. So I will have to tell my employers that i am not leaving, re-establish my credit, move out of my temporary residence for the last year whilst doing these preparations and pray the only regret I will have was that I saved my soul and skin from a stubborn, emotionally abusive man that might have hurt me and left me abandoned in a country 12,000 miles away. Of course, when I told him I wanted a divorce he was shocked and refused to acknowledge this, even though he had threatened to divorce me for a myriad of reasons - mostly of his 'fear of failure'. Sometimes you have to get out. I don't know what the future will bring and I shall never get involved with another man again, but we must trust our instinct and pay heed to warning signs in spite of our attempts to put a positive spin on everything. Happy Holidays, folks.
dropdeadlegs Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Oh boy.... I was hoping that the thread death meant that you had found some compromise or resolution. Upon initial reading, I was still reassured (marriage in 1/08) yet disheartened to read the conclusion. I try to look at things from a positive aspect and I'm seeing that you will not look back in the future and wonder what "could have been." You are pretty sure about how the future would play out. There is no shame in having given things a go, yet knowing when it's time to call in your chips. Survival of the fittest is a basal instinct. I've never been through true long distance courting/relationships. I don't think I have it in me to bear the additional strain of that life. You can say you have that experience, for better or worse, and have learned something from it. Life is all about learning, and growing from knowledge. "I shall never get involved with another man again" I loathe to hear you say that! Sure, you can be happy and fulfilled alone, but I honestly believe that a life shared with another is beyond fulfillment. It's a joint effort, and for some reason I feel that's the way it's supposed to play out. You only need the right partner in that life. Please don't disallow that option! I need no chastising, it's merely a romantic opinion, and a romantic I remain. Best wishes, maree1, and a happy holiday season regardless of circumstance since circumstance is just that.
Athena Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen this: when there are problems in the beginning, it doesn't mean it will get better with time. My husband's aloofness, crankiness, at times utter cruelty,hanging up on me,yelling, manipulation, lack of compromise and discussions, listening to what he wants to hear and if he doesn't like it he shuts me down, his passive-aggressivity ... well, enough is enough. He treats others better than I and he cannot let go of his demons. I suppose I don't bring the best out of him. It is with a heavy heart that I will be filing for divorce. He is a decent man, intelligent but is better off without me. This will be his third relationship failure. He regrets so much in his life that the baggage is insurmountable. Of course, when I told him I wanted a divorce he was shocked and refused to acknowledge this, even though he had threatened to divorce me for a myriad of reasons - mostly of his 'fear of failure'. Marree, I read this thread for the first time, but with interest see what happened two years down the line. The parts I underlined above, are like my own H, who is narcissistic. The reason my H helps everyone and anyone else, above me is because he is very needy and does this to be liked by others... he needs attention, he needs (very desperately) to be liked. He takes it as a 'given' that I am there for him. His father was exactly the same, and married to a loving giving woman who completely focused her life on him (just like I have). My H too, like yours, also has a fear of failure, and is driven by that fear. Sometimes it doesn't lead to his making very good decisions. My H is -- like your H -- a decent man, intelligent, but has issues with being emotionally unavailable. My H, just like yours, when working and traveling abroad would be very cruel to me and hang up on me if I cried on the phone (due to being hurt by his affairs) and threaten not to talk to me 'for a week'. He is also manipulative, cranky, and he can fly into a rage very easily. BTW, my H (who was sweet as pie, and VERY charming while we were dating) changed as soon as we got married, and threatened me with divorce the day after our wedding. ... hmmm.... I couldn't help but notice a lot of similarities with your man and mine, and I wanted to advise you to look up narcissism because maybe that is your H's style?! And -- I think you are doing the right thing by divorcing him, they simply never ever change... any change they seem to have done, doesn't last long.My H was married before we were, and it ended in divorce. I have chosen to remain married to him for 22 yrs, hoping he'd stop cheating, hoping he would once again become the man he seemed to be while we were dating.... Don't destroy your life.... btw I also think that N. men can seem to carry off a long distance relationship just fine, but actually cannot successfully manage an emotional relationship on a daily basis....My H can talk well on the phone, can write beautiful emails, but fails miserably to connect when we are living together for a length of time. Good luck. Let us know how things turn out.
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