littlepiggy1 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Some brief background: Went out with this girl for a couple years. Had numerous issues and broke up about a year ago. Didn't have much contact with her for about 6 months after the fact (tried to go NC), but then we started talking again and I even saw her once (nothing sexual or relationship-wise, just talking) in the summer. Then we had a fight which reminded me too much of us being together. So I went NC. A month later she calls and leaves a message. I respond with a very short and sweet email that read, "We should not talk anymore. I've moved on." She wrote back basically agreeing, but also apologizing for hurting me (I guess she wanted to shed some guilt) and that was that. That was about 5-6 months ago. Tonight she calls me out of the blue. I don't have caller ID, so I didn't know it was her. I wasn't expecting it at all and as a result, I think I was like a deer caught in the headlights. She said she just wanted to see how I was and said she was thinking of me. She also said, she still misses me. I told her I don't know how to even respond to that. She also again apologized for hurting me in the past (there's that guilt again). I told her it's in the past and not to worry about that. All in all, it was a polite, short conversation (maybe 5 mins). At any rate, I'm now wondering what the hell to do. I didn't get the sense she was looking for closure, so the only other thing I can think of is that she's simply not over me. Oi. I'm not planning on contacting her. We had too much drama, even trying to be friends, and I'm not about to let that back into my life. I'm over her, to the point that I don't need nor want to talk to her. I thought my previous email made that clear. I suppose not. The problem is that I was far too amicable on that phone call. Like I said, I was taken by complete surprise, but I suppose it's my own damned fault for being too polite. I'm wondering if that's going to be an invitation for further contact. At which point, I'm going to have to either be even more blunt again (i.e. "stop calling me!"). Or change my phone #. Memo to other people. If you have this maddening desire to call your ex well after you've stopped talking to them, don't. You're not doing them any favors, believe me. Anyway, just wanted to vent a little.
magda Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Eh, maybe send her another of the same email. Or, don't worry about it. Maybe she'll call again and you can be polite without friendly now that you're more prepared. Just be really busy whenever she tries to contact you, keep it short and brief. If she persists, just be blunt, ya know? I can see why it's annoying but the good thing is, you're over it so rolling with the punches should be easy.
Author littlepiggy1 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 Yeah, I pretty much calmed down about the whole thing after about 20 minutes. I think it was just the shock of hearing from her, which wouldn't have been so bad in itself, except for the one "I miss you" comment which made me cringe. I really *don't* want to have that kind of conversation again. At the moment, I'm just going to pretend she didn't call. If she does try contacting again, I'll re-iterate my previous email. Don't call. I've moved on. Get on with *your* life already. Etc. After that, I will take more extreme measures (i.e. changing phone #).
notmakingsense Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 You do seem like you are strong enough to roll with the punches as Magda points out. If you truly have no feelings left for this gal, it shouldn't matter much if she contacts you or not. My impression is that she still gets to you, that there is still some hurt deep down. If this is the case, then just being busy and finding ways to cut it off is your best bet. Changing numbers is a bit drastic -- but if you really do hurt alot deep down, then it is totally appropriate. It will be interesting to find out what she does at the point you are dating someone else?
Author littlepiggy1 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 If you truly have no feelings left for this gal, it shouldn't matter much if she contacts you or not. My impression is that she still gets to you, that there is still some hurt deep down. It's not so much that I have feelings for her. It's the opposite. What did it was the crap in the summer where we got in this stupid fight over something. I very distinctly remember her starting to go off at me, with me hanging up the phone with a smile on my face and thinking, "I don't need to put up with this crap anymore... sweet." Then, I have a feeling she tried to get back at me somehow (I think she posted stuff about me online, but I'm not 100% positive). So that's what I think she was so apologetic about -- both in this previous email and this recent phone call. That's what I want to avoid. All the stupid high school-esqe drama. She's fairly insecure and prone to taking things the wrong way, not to mention a bit vindictive. Don't want to deal with it and don't want to dredge up the past. It will be interesting to find out what she does at the point you are dating someone else? I have no idea. I've already dated around a bit, but don't have too much time for a full time relationship. Quite frankly, I'm enjoying be single. No drama. No bs. I'm almost tempted to tell her I've got a new g/f and that it would be entirely inappropriate for her to contact me. I know she's been in one relationship and dated/fooled around herself. I guess she didn't find the emotional connection she seeks, so she calls me again? Oi. Not gonna happen.
ratingsguy Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I'm wondering who broke up with who, since that makes all the difference. I suspect it was you breaking up with her. I say that if you're over her and she wants to call you, so be it. It seems that you have the ability to be civil with her. So while you don't have to be a friend if you don't want to, I don't see the harm in a quick chat on the telephone. It may be part of the healing process for her. But don't let her get the wrong impression, of course.
Author littlepiggy1 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 I'm wondering who broke up with who, since that makes all the difference. I suspect it was you breaking up with her. Sort of. The final few months were pretty turbulent. She had initially broken up with me twice during that period. We got back together both times. Finally, I realized that the drama had reached a point where I just handle it anymore, so I said that we should end it. Oddly though, I still remember in that conversation, she started going off on how I had been using her and so on. It was weird. She later recanted that, but I think she thinks she dumped me. While I feel like I broke up with her or at the very least it was mutual. But then oddly during the summer when we were trying the "friends" thing, the issue of "us" came back up (from her end; she even said she still loved me). Which made it obvious that she was less over me than I was over her. Then we had that fight shortly after at which point we basically stopped communicating. I say that if you're over her and she wants to call you, so be it. It seems that you have the ability to be civil with her. So while you don't have to be a friend if you don't want to, I don't see the harm in a quick chat on the telephone. Eh, the only harm was when she goes down the "I miss you" road. I don't really what she was expecting. It's too bad really, because there's nothing that can be done about it. It may be part of the healing process for her. But don't let her get the wrong impression, of course. Well, like I said, I think I was probably too polite. Mind you, I did mention a number of times that I was surprised (I may have said shocked) that she was calling me. And I at least avoided stuff like, "I miss you too" (I don't). But I feel I left the door open a crack. Next time, I need to shut it.
Guest Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Let me say I went through a 3 year relationship where we broke up for months then he'd pop up out of the blue and catch me off guard and we'd get back together, etc....... What a waste of time. Once you have a major breakup - stick with no contact. Letting toxic people suck you back in only prolongs the healing and drags out the breakup that much longer. If you're doing no contact and your ex calls - don't start walking down memory lane - tell them it's over and you've moved on and are with someone else and cut the umbilical cord!!!! Trust me - second and third chances rarely work out - you just prolong the agony!
notmakingsense Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Let me say I went through a 3 year relationship where we broke up for months then he'd pop up out of the blue and catch me off guard and we'd get back together, etc....... What a waste of time. Once you have a major breakup - stick with no contact. Letting toxic people suck you back in only prolongs the healing and drags out the breakup that much longer. If you're doing no contact and your ex calls - don't start walking down memory lane - tell them it's over and you've moved on and are with someone else and cut the umbilical cord!!!! Trust me - second and third chances rarely work out - you just prolong the agony! Did we go out with the same person? I couldn't have put it better myself. I too am a 3-year victim of a commitment-phobe...
FallenTree Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 One of my best guy friends and I talk about the ole talking with the ex thing, and he brought up a good point. Why invest time or maybe a better way to say it is waste time with a person who has hurt you in the past? Also, in many situations one or other still has feelings...and so it's hard to just keep talking without those feelings.
stillafool Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 My ex hurt me badly and had the nerve to keep calling to be friends. I changed my phone number because it was the only way I could get over him. I contacted him 20 years later and I found out that people don't change. I do wonder what he was thinking when I called him but I regret calling now.
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