b.b. Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I think I need therapy but I'm too embarrassed to go talk to someone about this. My DH (then boyfriend) cheated on me 18 years ago. We had been dating steadily for at least a year by that time (a year was forever back in those days:)) He confessed to it the eve of our wedding (he felt guilty) in 1993. I was stunned and shocked and didn't know what to do and went ahead with the wedding. Most of the time I don't think about it, and try very hard not to. But about once a year or so, I have awful nightmares about it. It's like my subconcious is piecing together what happened. A few nights ago I dreamt about a night back in college, and my friends and I went out to a bar, and there was BF with a girl. He saw me, turned white and left right away. The next day I asked him what was going on, and he told me he was just out with friends. I believed him. He always had a lot of friends that were women. At the time I thought it was cool and enlightened of him. Ugh, that makes me sick to my stomach now. LOL, he did try to break up with me on the eve of Valentine's Day in 1988 with the excuse of wanting to date other people. I was so shocked I cried and cried and made him feel bad. I figured it was over but two days later he called me up and we were back together like nothing ever happened. Anyway, I have these awful nightmares, and everything comes back like it was yesterday and I get that horrible punched-in-the-stomach feeling. I don't know what to do. Lately I've been having all sorts of thoughts I feel guilty admitting, like "If I'd have known at the time when this was happening, I'd have dumped him, and probably have found a man who genuinely loved me and I'd be better off today." I am pissed that I was loyal to him and could have been dating other guys. I am angry about how poorly he treated me when we were first married. I am angry I had to deal with his insane mother berating me every chance she got and him telling me to suck it up for years.I feel sad for what a stupid young girl I was. I feel scared - how in the world could I have missed all the signs? What other things in my life am I missing? All that being said, I am not unhappy. Our marriage is alright. We both have some personal flaws. DH struggles with alcohol but is a decent provider. My life is certainly not what I planned it to be, but it could be worse. I want to stay married, but if I can't forgive him and be done with my anger, I don't know if I should stay. I don't believe he's told me the whole truth about the affair. He makes up excuses like he can't remember because he was smoking too much pot and drinking too much. Hmmm. I suspect there were other women as well, and he denies that. It was supposedly only one time with one girl. Maybe he is telling the truth but I certainly don't know what it would take for me to believe him. DH wants to try marriage couseling. I am scared of that - the last time I talked to a counselor about this, the therapist pretty much laughed at me and told that it was a good thing I wasn't a jealous girlfriend back then because we wouldn't be married now. Thanks for listening....sorry this got soooo long!
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