Ruby Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 when my boyfriend of 6 months is upset with me for whatever reason, he ignores me and doesnt call for a few days. We was supposed to be going out tonight and I arranged a babysitter. He was upset with me this morning and said he will call me later. It is now 6.30pm and he has not contacted me. I am so pissed off! I havnt even done anything wrong. What do I do?
Reckless Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 WHAT TO DO - You have a few options * call a friend and go out and have fun anyway - ya already booked the sitter * put on your PJ's get a tub of your favourite icecream and a chick flick and comfort eat away all the mad * call him and leave a rude message on his answering machine .. then continue with option two; *sit down with him on another occasion and talk about his behaviour (this is the internet option that only works in some fantasy world were people say 'oh yeah .. I do tend to take a strop.. I'm sorry honey it won't happen again' [queue music... fade .. annnd ... CUT] WHAT NOT TO DO * marry him
green eyed Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 when my boyfriend of 6 months is upset with me for whatever reason, he ignores me and doesnt call for a few days. We was supposed to be going out tonight and I arranged a babysitter. He was upset with me this morning and said he will call me later. It is now 6.30pm and he has not contacted me. I am so pissed off! I havnt even done anything wrong. What do I do? Are you sure we aren't going out with the same guy?? Actually, my b/f will always ring to cancel, he won't just not contact me, but he will say he 'needs his space' for a few days. Usually, like you, it's over nothing. Needless to say, this is unfair. He is punishing you, whether he sees it that way or not. Probably, he sees it as needing time to cool off. Does he have problems communicating his emotions and talking about issues in the relationship more generally? Or is he incapable in this regard? Sounds like he might be the kind of guy who's impossible to talk to about these things. Perhaps his family has a pattern of behaving this way. My b/f's family does, so he finds it hard to do any differently. So what to do? I am slowly, slowly, slowly trying to show my b/f how unhelpful his behaviour is, and how it just makes me needy/clingy (which he hates!) Is your b/f open to discussion about it? The other question is whether you feel able to give him his space for a few days when he needs it, as long as he tells you about it. You could try negotiating some 'rules', such as: 1/he always rings you to let you know that he can't see you right now; 2/ he gives you some idea of how long he needs to calm down (I would suggest no longer than 2 days regardless of the issue that caused it in the first place, and ideally only one day). Maybe that's not what you want to do long term, but it might be a good place to start with a man who seems so emotionally closed down.
Author Ruby Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Wow great replies, thank you. He is a bit insecure of my ex who I have a child with. My ex took an overdose 3 weeks ago and has been in a nut house. He let himself out yesterday and rang me to say he wanted to kill himself. My current boyfriend got upset that I was upset. What does he expect? I spent 14 years with my ex and even though I would rather cut my head off with a knife and fork than get back with him, it still upsets me that he is feeling this bad and also it affects our child. I am getting mad now, it is 8.30pm and still no call. I am thinking of just ending it. What is the point in having a relationship with a sulking child?
GreenEyedLady Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I am thinking of just ending it. What is the point in having a relationship with a sulking child? This is probably a good idea...it's a pattern, apparently...
Author Ruby Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 You are right This is the 3rd or forth time he has done this! I have had enough, he is getting his stuff back tomorrow and I dont even want to talk to him about it. I am so mad at him and would love more feedback
pricillia Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Ruby, It may be a pattern, but you should talk to him about this. You said that BF gets mad because you have been dealing with your ex and his hardship. Your BF may not feel like you are over your ex and he is probably hurt. Don't be so harsh and just give up here. Ask your BF why he just pulls away, is it because he honestly is hurt because of your attachment to ex or is he just using this as an excuse for some "free time" ?
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 You need to think of your kid first and find a man who is better suited for you, and a good influence on your child. Unless this guy can grow up abit and be more respectful, I would seriously consider ending it with him.
pricillia Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Maybe BF sees the negative affect that ex has on her and the family, mabye he does not know how to handle her worrying about another man and he is jealous. What were the other reasons for him doing this before did he get upset for the same reasons? Think if the shoe was on the other foot...
GreenEyedLady Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Ruby, if he says he'll call, he should...CALL him on it...I just think you shouldn't waste your time...your X is going to be around as long as you have a child together...If he can't handle that, what's the point of continuing? And I know it can be hard to get a sitter or try and cancel one so that is messed up...he needs to act like an adult...not a spoiled child...
pricillia Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 But look at the affect that the ex is having on her relationships with other men. I agree that he should call her but no man wants to be second fiddle to the ex, the ex is knowingly or unknowingly sabotaging the relationship. If she meets another man he will probably have some of the same inscurities that this man has, he won't stick around if her head is elsewhere. She said that he got upset because she was so worried about ex husband who has thought of suicide and although she said that she would rather die then get back toghether with him, as far as the BF is concerned you are still with him emotionally he sees the way you worry about the ex, maybe he does not feel like he is number one in your book. But again he should call if that is what he said.
Author Ruby Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 Thank you all so much for your great replies! The other times he has gone on the strop has something to do with my ex. But let me explain something I have not mentioned so far. My boyfriend has 3 kids with 2 different women. He is a great dad and sees his kids alot. His youngest is 4 and he has had lots of grief with his ex and I have had to deal with it. She has smashed up his van, written all over his windows, screamed and shouted at him and slapped him in the street and not ONCE have I made it worse for him. Last week he sat in McDonalds with his ex and their kid. He sat and had dinner with the woman who abused him and I said NOTHING. The reason I didnt say anything was because his child has the right to sit and have dinner with his mom and dad. I was upset over it but didnt make a big deal over it. He sits in her house with his son and I dont say anything. My ex tried to kill himself and felt suicidal today. He was taken to hospital by police and an ambulance and he gets mad cos I am upset. I spent 14 years with him and since I left him he has become an alcholic and feels like he wants to die. I left him 2 years ago and he is still not over me. I dont love my ex. I dont want to ever get back with him. All he is to me is my childs dad and i have to do the right thing by my son. I wont change that, not for anyone. He obviously cannot deal with my baggage yet I have to deal with his! If I dont make a stand I will be letting myself in for years of misery and feel scared to mention anything incase he disappears for a few days and gets moody with me. If I dont make a stand I am an idiot. I dont want us to part, he has many great qualities and I have never had a man who makes me feel so good about myself. He has to accept my baggage, like I accept his, or he has to just let it be. Maybe he is insecure but I never give him reason to be, I explain things and make sure i assure him. Oh fiddlesticks, this is crap! more feedback would be fab guys, sorry to go on and on I am just so hurt!
ls3360 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 You are right This is the 3rd or forth time he has done this! I have had enough, he is getting his stuff back tomorrow and I dont even want to talk to him about it. I am so mad at him and would love more feedback It sounds like he has trouble resolving conflict (even if it's internal). Am I correct?
ls3360 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 He has to accept my baggage, like I accept his, or he has to just let it be. Yup. It sounds like you'll resolve this with him soon enough one way or another.
Author Ruby Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 yes he does have trouble resolving conflict. He does the silent treatment until he feels like sorting it out
Guest Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 The other question is whether you feel able to give him his space for a few days when he needs it, as long as he tells you about it. You could try negotiating some 'rules', such as: 1/he always rings you to let you know that he can't see you right now; 2/ he gives you some idea of how long he needs to calm down (I would suggest no longer than 2 days regardless of the issue that caused it in the first place, and ideally only one day). Maybe that's not what you want to do long term, but it might be a good place to start with a man who seems so emotionally closed down. great idea - my gf and i do that too so her and i DO understand what's up - we are both in the same place - one NEEDS space the OTHER NEEDS face to face - so meeting in the middle is perfect. for example - she's had three weeks of space and i've asked for half a day to snug, breakfast and take a walk by the canal - then she's back on her space - we are so anal - we have calenders, charts, etc. works for us and its usually my gf that comes up with all the brilliant ways to cut thru the clutter
MotherGooze Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 My boyfriend is just the same! He also gives me the silent treatment and turns cold for a few days. Then when we finally are able to talk about it, he just says the same things all over again, while not listening to my solutions for the problem, and then I get really angry! He's very stubborn and he doesn't like talking about his feelings, it really annoys me. But that doesn't mean I want to give him up. I really care for him a lot, and I've made my mistakes as well. He never really had loving parents, and he was alone most of his childhood. He has a very big need to be independent. me helping him out, scares him. Me being there for him, scares him. Me loving him, scares him. But I'm not giving up. When he's upset and doesn't want to see me, I do the opposite and visite his place. I get really angry, and then he actually opens up and shows his feelings. After that, we can talk. It may be weird, but it's helping, little by little he's showing a bit more of himself. Talking a bit about his past, and when he's upset about something, there is actually a chance that he'll say it right away. So don't give up!!
Author Ruby Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 Ty mothergooze. The problem I have is that I dont want to be his mother and lover and councellor. I have been that before and it is awful. I dont want to bully him into expressing his emtotions, and I certainly dont want to keep repeating the same problem time and time again. I am a busy single mom with a job and a hectic life. Any guy who is in my life must enhance it, not make it 20 times more difficult. I have packed his stuff up and I am calling it a day with him. I love him, but not enough to stay with an emotional cripple!
Author Ruby Posted July 15, 2007 Author Posted July 15, 2007 he has done the same thing again! i feel the need to finish it now but i am scared as i love this man! i am crying just thinking about breakin up! help me please!
Author Ruby Posted July 15, 2007 Author Posted July 15, 2007 6 MONTHS later and he is still doing this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
nittygritty Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 He is controlling. You should end the relationship now because it will only get worse. You have told him your feelings repeatedly and he can't stop the behavior.
Krytellan Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 6 MONTHS later and he is still doing this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You keep accepting it. Behaviors don't change as long as they're reinforced. You are silly for expecting it to change and naive to still even be with him. You realize you're asking for this with your indecision, right?
Trialbyfire Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 He's not going to change so if you continue to put up with this type of behaviour, expect it for the duration of your relationship. Btw, yes, he is being controlling.
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