Author norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Usually, not always though, when you start questioning if you want to walk away or not, it's the beginning stages of really walking away. I really believe that. And you're right. Right now this isn't a healthy relationship. Well, I've been through the breaking up thing with him before. So, you could very well be right.
Touche Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 "So, I never have to react to any anger aimed at me." And this is a bad thing why? (Sorry, I'm in a mood) But seriously..this is the other side of the coin. That's not such a bad thing in a mate. Hell, I used to PRAY for a man like that since my ex was always so full of anger about just about everything I did or didn't do. I did finally find a man who offered me a happy medium. Seriously though, I'm sure it's frustrating for you to not be able to hash out things with your guy. I'm not sure you can change that about him Nora. This is a case of either accepting him as he is or finding someone you're more compatible with. It's really that simple.
Touche Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Well, I've been through the breaking up thing with him before. So, you could very well be right. Aww...I'm sorry, NJ. This is a case in which I don't WANT to be right. Do you think you can accept him how he is? I mean have you thought about it? what do you think?
Author norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Seems to me he's not in touch with his own anger... ...which makes it understandable why he walks away during conflict. Do you know of one relationship where anger does not exist? It's normal to get upset with our SO's now and then, for one we're all human... ugh... this is going to require a significant change on his behalf. How old is he? He's 40. I think he gets most of his aggression out through physical activity - biking, softball, running, swimming. And he keeps really, really busy with work, house repairs, car repairs, investing, real estate, helping his mom out (his dad died some years ago). Likes music, astronomy, scuba. I don't know. He's just not an angry guy. Not when sober, not when drunk. He says things just don't get to him that much. He's always under control. Calm under pressure. Maybe he detaches from people if they get him angry enough? But he's got a lot of old friends from the high school years, various jobs, so he's not one to just walk away from people all the time. So yeah, confrontation is a big change.
Author norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 As for birds and flowers, if they lied and flew away from their problems, if they failed to open because of intimacy issues, then yes, they aren't perfect either. Oh, birds and flowers are smarter than humans with that. People complicate things way too much. (so your guy doesn't want to open up, so he had another gf, so he likes Pepsi... it's all very simple) Ariadne Yes, people complicate things! It's one of our most charming qualities. How boring we'd all be otherwise!
Ariadne Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 How boring we'd all be otherwise! Then enjoy the amusement Ariadne
Author norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Aww...I'm sorry, NJ. This is a case in which I don't WANT to be right. Do you think you can accept him how he is? I mean have you thought about it? what do you think? I have given it a lot of thought. We're not perfect for each other. But we do give each other *something* that keeps drawing us together. If we stay true to that *something* and let it guide us, then yes, I can accept him...we're all works in progress. He's already been in my life for half my life. I'm sure he always will be.
Touche Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I have given it a lot of thought. We're not perfect for each other. But we do give each other *something* that keeps drawing us together. If we stay true to that *something* and let it guide us, then yes, I can accept him...we're all works in progress. He's already been in my life for half my life. I'm sure he always will be. I don't want to be negative, NJ but my ex and I were with each other, (on and off) from the time I was 24 until I was 33. That's a huge chunk of my adult life. And I could have said the same thing about him...and did, on many an occasion. We're not perfect for each other. We give each other something that keeps drawing us together. And yes, we also said, right before we got married, that if we let that "something" guide us that we'd be ok. That if we could not let our pride and our baggage and our quirks and our egos get in the way, we'd be ok. But guess what? None of it worked. We were who we were. And we did not "click" in the right ways. We were always trying to mold ourselves to be what we thought the other wanted us to be. But we weren't being true to ourselves and of our own natures, so it always only lasted for a short time before the same old issues would crop up again. And in the end, we just couldn't accept each other for who we really were. We ended up bringing out the worst in each other and resenting the fact that we had to change who we were in order for things to be peaceful and harmonious between us. I hope there's not a parallel here between my experience and yours. Because if so, then it's really doomed. What do you think? I hope that my scenario won"t be yours. I really do.
princessa Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Touche, I think there's a difference between never truly accepting the other for who they are, and not being able to implement proper conflict-resolution in a relationship.. Of course these overlap because who we are defines how we handle problems to a certain extent, but I still view them as being distinct.
Touche Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Touche, I think there's a difference between never truly accepting the other for who they are, and not being able to implement proper conflict-resolution in a relationship.. Of course these overlap because who we are defines how we handle problems to a certain extent, but I still view them as being distinct. You bring up such an interesting point, P. I think though that without BOTH elements..and yes, they ARE distinct but can overlap, you can't have a succesful relationship. You must have both, don't you think?
Author norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 And in the end, we just couldn't accept each other for who we really were. We ended up bringing out the worst in each other and resenting the fact that we had to change who we were in order for things to be peaceful and harmonious between us. I hope there's not a parallel here between my experience and yours. Because if so, then it's really doomed. What do you think? I hope that my scenario won"t be yours. I really do. I think the difference may be that we don't bring out the worst in each other. We bring out some of the best - we bring out an intimacy that's deeper than either of us have felt, he sparks my creative writing, I spark his photography, he talks me through problems and anxieties, I get him out to new places he's never been... So we bring good out in each other, but we still have our internal issues and those do get in the way sometimes.
magichands Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 He's already been in my life for half my life. I'm sure he always will be. One can get used to the shape and thickness of a dick. Then you're just not happy with anything else. You are effectively moulded to its intricacies. Nothing else satisfies you in quite the same way.
princessa Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 You bring up such an interesting point, P. I think though that without BOTH elements..and yes, they ARE distinct but can overlap, you can't have a succesful relationship. You must have both, don't you think? Yes, of course you must have both. Now that I re-read your post, I'm not sure anymore what you meant when you said that you both never truly accepted eachother. When you said that I automatically got the image of a couple trying to be something they didn't want to be within a relationship, and I think that such a relationship is automatically doomed. But if you're trying to make adjustments to be better at resloving conflict (as with NJ), even if they're against your nature, I think that's actually a good thing. And well.. being young and dumb I think there's always hope for better conflict management as long as both are willing to work at it. Maybe I'm wrong..
Touche Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I think the difference may be that we don't bring out the worst in each other. We bring out some of the best - we bring out an intimacy that's deeper than either of us have felt, he sparks my creative writing, I spark his photography, he talks me through problems and anxieties, I get him out to new places he's never been... So we bring good out in each other, but we still have our internal issues and those do get in the way sometimes. You may have a chance then. Do you bring out the best in each other often enough to compensate for the issues that do get in the way sometimes? That's the real question here I think. Only you know the answer to that, NJ.
Author norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 One can get used to the shape and thickness of a dick. Then you're just not happy with anything else. You are effectively moulded to its intricacies. Nothing else satisfies you in quite the same way. He's very good with his hands, too.
magichands Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 You may have a chance then. He'll come around. You'll see. You know I'm right.
magichands Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 One can get used to the shape and dexterity of a pair of hands. Then you're just not happy with anything else. You are effectively moulded to their intricacies. No other appendages (excepting dicks and ribbed glass dildos) satisfy you in quite the same way.
Author norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 And well.. being young and dumb I think there's always hope for better conflict management as long as both are willing to work at it. Maybe I'm wrong.. Being old and dumb, I have that hope, too.
Author norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 One can get used to the shape and dexterity of a pair of hands. Then you're just not happy with anything else. You are effectively moulded to their intricacies. No other appendages (excepting dicks and ribbed glass dildos) satisfy you in quite the same way. And what about talented tongues?
princessa Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Being old and dumb, I have that hope, too. LOL!
Ariadne Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 But guess what? None of it worked. We were who we were. And we did not "click" in the right ways. We were always trying to mold ourselves to be what we thought the other wanted us to be. I agree with you Touche. It may work out or not, but she'll know when the time comes. (I'm sure people tried to talk you into breaking up with the ex and you wouldn't listen) And the molding never works... but everybody should know that. Ariadne
Touche Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Yes, of course you must have both. Now that I re-read your post, I'm not sure anymore what you meant when you said that you both never truly accepted eachother. When you said that I automatically got the image of a couple trying to be something they didn't want to be within a relationship, and I think that such a relationship is automatically doomed. But if you're trying to make adjustments to be better at resloving conflict (as with NJ), even if they're against your nature, I think that's actually a good thing. And well.. being young and dumb I think there's always hope for better conflict management as long as both are willing to work at it. Maybe I'm wrong.. I do agree with you, P. You're not dumb at all. Even my H and I after 12 years, have to sometimes tweak and hone our "conflict management" skills. But that's only HALF the battle in a relationship. The other half has to do with the actual issues that you're both in conflict about. See what I mean? I'll use some stupid analogies now...are the conflicts about where to go on vacation or are they about moral issues such as honesty? Are they about who does more chores or are they about who is more emotionally available? See where I'm going with this? It's all great and dandy if you have wonderful conflict management skills but if you have to manage too many conflicts, or if those conflicts are so fundamentally basic in their nature that in your mind you feel that they shouldn't ever even BE an issue to have to "manage" then, in my book, that relationship falls under the category of "square peg..round hole." Best to cut one's losses in the latter scenario. A good relationship shoul not be that much work.
Ariadne Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 You are effectively moulded to its intricacies. Nothing else satisfies you in quite the same way. (Yes, it does...)
Touche Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 You are effectively moulded to its intricacies. Nothing else satisfies you in quite the same way. (Yes, it does...) Seriously? Wow! Can you tell me the brand name?
magichands Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Better than a ribbed glass dildo? I'm not sure I believe you.
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