Silentflix Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I need some input because Im really tempted to do this and if it's actually stupid and I dont see that, please point out the flaws to me before I do it. Ive been in NC for about a week so my thinking is not clear. Thanks for any help. I want to call him and say, "Can I just call you and talk to you when I need to?" Pros: The instant gratification of a "yes"; instant removal of NC pain; communication basically re-started..."all anxieties tranquilized...all boredoms amused..." Cons: Presuming he doesnt say "No," I dont really see any! Show me please! An I just wishing and hoping, and not seeing some obvious pitfall/pratfall? Has anyone else done this? It just seems to undermine the whole raison d'etre of NC.
laRubiaBonita Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 why though? what do you want to say? it seems you are just trying to break NC for the sake of "opening the lines of communication"........? NEW FLASH: if he wanted to talk with you he would have called/ text/ emailed/ etc..... DO NOT DO IT!!!! it will prolong the recovery process.
Guest Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 well, in my situation i've asked - therefore i have recovered to the point where i can and want she has not - so she still needs time that's ok i'll kewl with it
Guest Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Did he break up with you? If he did then I would not contact him on any way. He has to be the one to contact you or how could you be sure that anything that he says is genuine. Stick to your NC and maybe he will call you when he is ready. If not then move on. Do not look needy that will only make things worse for you in the long run.
magichands Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 DO NOT DO IT!!!! it will prolong the recovery process. It doesn't say "Up your Butt (!)" in her profile for nothing. This girl knows what she's talking about. She can size you up from the inside out. All boredoms amused? I'm not sure that all my boredoms have even been amused - not all at once, anyway. It's more that I forget about some, because others feel so... satisified. I think you're used to this guy plugging up one of your boredoms - that's all. A kind of contentment with a familiarity that has since slipped out. Don't panic. You will soon realise that he's not worth it. Something else will slip in to take his place before you know it.
laRubiaBonita Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 It doesn't say "Up your Butt (!)" in her profile for nothing. This girl knows what she's talking about. She can size you up from the inside out. you might think i'm from Philly, cause i am Blunt......
Author Silentflix Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Thank you, laRubia, but <whine>"I knoooow, but..." If the lines of communication are opened at all, even if by me, there's still a possibility we could get back together. If they stay closed, there's zero chance. Prolonging the recovery process, I don't know.. wouldnt being in touch make recovery easier? I was the dumpee. If I could hear to him, see him, if we could get back physically, I would have a second chance to look at him NOT through rose-colored glasses. I guess I mean, to soothe my own ego.... </whine>
Guest Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I need some input because Im really tempted to do this and if it's actually stupid and I dont see that, please point out the flaws to me before I do it. Ive been in NC for about a week so my thinking is not clear. Thanks for any help. I want to call him and say, "Can I just call you and talk to you when I need to?" Pros: The instant gratification of a "yes"; instant removal of NC pain; communication basically re-started..."all anxieties tranquilized...all boredoms amused..." Cons: Presuming he doesnt say "No," I dont really see any! Show me please! An I just wishing and hoping, and not seeing some obvious pitfall/pratfall? Has anyone else done this? It just seems to undermine the whole raison d'etre of NC. you don't need to ask him if you can call because that just puts him up on a pedestal. remember that your time and needs are just as important as his. after a break up, it's usually best to wait a while before calling and to let the person who ended the relationship initiate most of the contact. emotions can cause people to say things they don't really mean or might later regret, so give yourself time to figure out exactly what you want to say and why, and to prepare for things not turning out how you'd like if/when he contacts you, keep the conversations light and try not to discuss the relationship unless he brings it up. you should show him that you can live without him because he's already shown you that by breaking up. if he wants to salvage the relationship, then he'll contact you and he'll bring it up. if he doesn't contact you, then that will at least let you know at this point he doesn't want to get back together and it gives you all the more reason to not tell him what you had wanted to.
shockandawed Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Silentflix, Read my story. I know exactly where you are at. After she broke up with me in Dec, I tried for about a week to resolve the problem, no avail. I went a week with NC, then broke, she took the IM but got crappy fast and said some harsh and hurtful things. Went another week, then she sent me a nice email about the engagement ring being dismantled. Wanted to meet me near my home and give it to me. I replied that I would simply prefer she leave it at the jeweler and I would pick it up there. She kept making excuses as why not to until finally asking me if I was afraid to see her. I took that as a sign. I ended up cracking that night and calling her. We talked over an hour, very pleasant. Of course, I went into how do I save this mode. She agreed to think about things but said she wanted time. Next night I took a rose and card and gave it to her as she left a swim meet and left. Talked briefly on the phone again that night, nothing heavy. Saw her online yesterday, IM went from good to telling me she has moved on. The point is the NC was working, I was slowly healing, She cracked and gave a little opening, I jumped back in and she closed it again. The IMs last week were hurtful, it bothered me that was how it ended. Everything we shared reduced to some unjustifiable slams. I got the so called good closure this time, and guess what? It still sucks. Back to the hard depression. There is nothing you can gain right now with contact other than letting him know you are still waiting in the wings. I wished I had stayed the course. Show me it works!!!!
Author Silentflix Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 I'd typed: "all boredom amused," that's just a movie quote. Philly Blunt, right could only help hardeharhar. Yes he broke up with me, but I just want...I know I could get him back on just a habit level, maybe not as a reinvigorated love thing...though it could happen, but it sure wont happen if neither of us makes a move toward connecting on any level at all. Then at least I could see him again at close range and then if I thought coldly and cynically enough I could break up with *him* this time, and then at least I could have anger and contempt feelings and not hurt and bewildered victim feelings. Wt ju reckon then I read: It still sucks. Back to the hard depression. There is nothing you can gain right now with contact other than letting him know you are still waiting in the wings. I wished I had stayed the course. Show me it works!!!! It is a really hard course to stay. Except for going to work and coming here online and going to sleep early Im doing everything to keep busy - the gym, working, drawing, reading, being with friends, aimlessly driving around -- but I find myself doing all of it with him, or for him, or talking to him while Im doing it, or like he's "there" when Im doing it...etc. Im just trying to avoid suffering I guess.
magichands Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Then at least I could see him again at close range and then if I thought coldly and cynically enough I could break up with *him* this time, and then at least I could have anger and contempt feelings and not hurt and bewildered victim feelings. Wt ju reckon I reckon you're a control freak.
Author Silentflix Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 well, in my situation i've asked - therefore i have recovered to the point where i can and want she has not - so she still needs time that's ok i'll kewl with it What do you mean, you mean...you asked her to be open to talking with you, and she was, and that helped you recover, but she still wants time to consider getting back together...?
Author Silentflix Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 I reckon you're a control freak. Well, no...which set of those feelings wd be easier for you to live with? Your feelings controlled, or controlling your own feelings? I understand that "only you control your feelings." Well, I'm trying to. I really hope Im not coming across as difficult or argumentative, or blind. AM I being blind, somehow? Okay, I know you're patiently explaining that I am, but...cant you see my POV? Isn't it just so practical and rational? ("I dont want to make trouble. All I want is a drink." -- MM, All About Eve)
magichands Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 ("I dont want to make trouble. All I want is a drink." -- MM, All About Eve) Haha. Then chill. I was making reference to the idea that you want a "connection" with him just long enough for you to be the one calling it quits. On your terms. Human nature, perhaps. Sensible, no. I offer you these sensitive, heartfelt words. Here we go. Get over it.
shockandawed Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Avoiding suffering is the primary reason any of us break NC. I had two thoughts when I did. Either I can reach out one last time, or at least have our last conversation civil. I really wanted to hear her say it was for real. Like I said, I did at least get the civil closure. I am hurting as much as when she logged off by saying she was embarrased of me. I know too well the trying to stay busy, yet they are with you in your head 24/7. Its horrible and you will do anything to stop it, even cave in and call. It doesn't help. Vent all you want on here anytime you feel the urge to call. We will get you through it.
hrtbroken99 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I would not recommend that you break the NC stick to it hang in there...its tough
Author Silentflix Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 Just woke up from a long nap and feel quite a bit stronger, like waking up healthy again after being sick. He's further away. I'm so glad I didn't call! Thank you for your patient advice. Thank you so much for sharing your story Shockandawed. I hope you're feeling stronger too, are you? I used up much of the afternoon talking to two friends, really taxing the patience of one by basically dragging her around in the same "yes, but" circle over and over trying to get her to say what I wanted to hear. She never did. The other gave me the guy's point of view (or at least, his): that the boy likes to go after the girl, not the other way around, that men appreciate an independent woman better than one who comes across as clingy/weak/needy. (He also added nice comforting stuff like "It's his loss," "Plenty of fish in the sea," listed all the guy's bad points for me until I was laughing, etc.) I'm really glad no one said "Go ahead and call if you want to." Now even if I'm not *really* completely over him yet, at least he doesn't know that. Now if spring would just hurry up and get here. Actually I look forward to being all the way past this by spring, and to be doing the things I wanted to do all the time I was with him and never did because I was giving him and "us" all my energy. Thanks again:D This is such a valuable place.
Author Silentflix Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 Wow, mom, that's real sweet of you. I appreciate your help.
magichands Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 It's his loss. Plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe they're just the ones that have been thrown back, though.
shockandawed Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Thank you so much for sharing your story Shockandawed. I hope you're feeling stronger too, are you? Well, I don't know about stronger. I did manage to go watch the football game at a friends bar this afternoon and then hang out with a few old friends at a swank bar downtown. Mind kept drifting, especially everytime I would see a couple together. Tomorrow night will start really hurting because I know her daughter goes to her Dads for the following week. My mind will be racing thinking about how she is spending her free evenings. Hang in there SF!!!!
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