JavaJungle Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Hello everybody and thanks for taking your time... In September '06 I met the most wonderful girl. I believe in destiny because I was not supposed to be in that place and neither was she... At first we were e-mailing and then calling each other until we decided to meet again for a weekend. We fell in love and everything was going great. We are both from Europe, but I'm in N.Y. for business and flying back to Europe every two weeks for about 10 days. We have this incredible connection and attraction for each other and we’re both very passioned . She told me that nobody has touched her the way I'm touching her and it's the same for me. Also, she said that the way we’re making love she never experienced before and something like this is not re-producible…/ (She's 35 and I'm 45 years old. We started talking and planning some small steps for the future and I have found another job in Europe end of this month which still involves some travel but far less than what I'm doing now. We decided this together in order to get to know each other better. She told me that she would like to have a family and kids and I could see myself too getting married... (never been married before and neither has she) She also introduced me to her family in December... Early January her ex boyfriend calls her up and tells her that he misses her and that he loves her.....This guy is divorced with two kids and she has been living with him for one year. The kids never accepted her and he also cheated on her a few times. He's a liar and a cheater. He's been calling some times prior to his phone call in January while she was with me but she didn't care. They had a stormy relationship since the beginning they met and finally in August last year she decided to leave him. (she couldn't take it anymore) A month later in September we met, fell in love....and she moved out of his apartment. I'm aware that everything went quite fast but she told me that she didn't leave him for me but that she decided already in August to leave him. However she told me that if she wouldn't have met me they would have probably kept on leaving and getting back with each other for a few more months... Now my problem: When he called her beginning of January he must have changed his attitude toward her because she told me that she never heard him talking like this. Two days later she tells me on the phone while I was at the airport that she's confused about his call and that she'd like to look inside herself. Last Saturday I called her and I ask her if she would like to end our relationship. She said no, that she needed to look inside her because the conversation with her ex has changed every thing and that she's confused. Since then I have not heard from hear....before last Saturday there has not been one day without a phone call since we have met!!! She always told me that there was no communication between them and that she couldn't trust him either...I think that for a healthy relationship there must be both of that...! At the beginning of their relationship her ex went to Brasil (he tells her for business reasons) and 6 month later she finds on his laptop in a secret file, pictures of a naked girl he had sex with in his hotel room in Brasil....! I think that says enough!!! MY QUESTION IS: WE HAD A GREAT TIME WITH EACHOTHER AND SHE WAS IN LOVE (OR STILL IS I DON'T KNOW), THINKING ABOUT BUILDING A FUTURE TOGETHER......AND NOW SHE PUTTS EVERYTHING IN QUESTION BECAUSE OFF HIS PHONE CALL....? I CAN'T IMMAGINE HER GETTING BACK WITH THIS GUY!? DO I...? I DECIDET NOT TO CALL HER ANYMORE SINCE SHE NEEDS TIME AND IS CONFUSED. ALSO, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM BETWEEN HER AND ME IT'S A PROBLEM SHE NEEDS TO SOLVE ON HER OWN. APPRECIATE ANY ADDVISE I CAN GET.... THANK YOU SO MUCH.... jj
Porn_Guy Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I CAN'T IMMAGINE HER GETTING BACK WITH THIS GUY!? Whhy not???
Guest Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Early January her ex boyfriend calls her up and tells her that he misses her and that he loves her.....This guy is divorced with two kids and she has been living with him for one year. The kids never accepted her and he also cheated on her a few times. He's a liar and a cheater. OK WHY IS HE CALLING HER IF THEY ARE ALREADY LIVING TOGETHER FOR A YEAR?
Guest Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Well, That Would Be All I Needed To Know - When Someone Can Not Make A Decision Between Two People, A Clear One, Then Neither Are The Right One So, When My Exgf Told Me That Same Thing I Told Her Ok, Go To It But He's The One U Will Have To Count On I Think There Is Nothing That Will Make Someone Lose That 'feeling' Then Being Told - Hmmmm, Let Me See, A Or B So, Her And I Are Friends Now And Taking It Slow
Author JavaJungle Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 They lived together until September '06, then she moved back to her own place...
MagnoliaJane Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 As hard as this seems, you have to get out of the picture for a while, which means absolutely NC. It is clear she needs to confront her own skeletons in the closet for now. That is heartbreaking for you, yes. But unfortunately it is the only way to go. It is important that you set up boundaries and respect yourself enough to hold on to these. I know that is much easier said than done. I know you are feeling devastated and you believe she is the only one who can made it right. But that is wrong! You are the only one who can make it right for yourself. By continuing your life today as it was before you met her. You owe that to yourself, just as much as she apparently owes it to herself to come to terms with her ex and her life before she met you. Keep your distance. Be patient. Eventually it will make her wonder about you. Don't make her issues your priority. Life, infortunately, is all about dealing with surprises. Sometimes the surprises are very unpleasant, or very hurtful. Still, we have to deal with them. Remember, it is HER issue, not yours. Discover again who YOU are. It will make you much better prepared if and when the relationship between you and her move forward in the future.
Author JavaJungle Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Thank you MagnoliaJane....appreciate your thoughts and you're absolutely right, although it feels like a knife has entered your heart.... Thanks again, JJ
shockandawed Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Java, I too understand all to well the knife feeling. Magnolia is right, NC works!! Learn from my mistakes. This is her problem and not yours. Accept that she is not over the ex, nothing you did wrong, let it burn and then start rebuilding. NC does work. We are going to get those knifes out bro!!
Author JavaJungle Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Hi shockandawed, Thanks for the your support. Sorry for the question but I'm new here, NC means no call, right..? Thanks, JJ
shockandawed Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Yes, No Contact There are tons of threads on here relating to it. There is a link someone posted I will try to find. The key is you have to use it for the purpose of healing yourself. It can cause your SO to begin wondering what is up and initiate. But by following it, it keeps you in control, regardless. I am a peacekeeper and hate fights. Everytime we would get into it, she would shut down and I would go on and on to try to resolve. Once I left her alone, she would come out of it. This time is obviously different, but she knows she can get me back no matter what because I keep sending that message through actions. I know how hard it is, and the constant feeling that you want to reach out and hopefully end this pain. But she has to resolve her feelings. If you are constantly contacting her, she will not be in any hurry to resolve. Its the knowing she can take her time because you keep lurking around. She might feel like she has to rush to consider her ex or he will disappear. Learn from my mistakes!!!
Author JavaJungle Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Well said, Thank you with all my heart... JJ
MagnoliaJane Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 No call puts the ball into your ex's court and it is now up to her to make the first move towards YOU. NC shows you have a spine. Perhaps you are afraid that NC means she thinks you don't care. You can show her you care when she contacts you. Not by throwing 'I love you's' to her head. I would do it in a more subtle way. There are so many ways you can show indirectly you care... The hardest thing is to wait for her to make the first move, because there is always a chance she will never do that. However, at least then you've got your self-esteem intact (imagine begging and pleading and being put aside anyway?). You can always follow-up with a call to her yourself, but ONLY after the necessary amount of time has passed by. That does not mean next week, or within two weeks. These kind of things require more time... In the meanwhile, think of ways to be happy without her. They do exist. I guess you were a happy person before you met her? Reconnect with that part. For now. If your ex is confused about her own ghosts from the past she will not be able to handle an unhappy man (you). Show her the stable person you are. It is a wonderful trait to be a well-grounded man who doesn't need to call a prostitute to his suite when on a trip abroad. Nothing wrong with single men who do it, but all these cheaters are so pitiful. I guess deep down they know that too, that's why they keep so quiet about it ...
Author JavaJungle Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Hello MagnoliaJane, Yes, you're very right.... Asking her last Saturday if she wants to break up she told me no, but that she needed to look into herself! I told her what I had to say, telling her how I feel and that I'd like to build a future with her! As you say the ball is in her court! And I will not call her...!!! Thanks for the grounded man... indeed, I don't need a prostitute in my bed when I love a very special person...what's even worse: why up-loading the pictures on your laptop...? If that's the kind of future she wants with her ex, well, then bon voyage... I can hear it like it was yesterday, she always said: TRUST is one of the most important ingrediants in a healthy relationship...I can only agree. I was happy before, when I was single and I thought I was even happier with her... Well, che sara', sara'...whatever will be, will be.... Thanks again from my heart. JJ
cuddles4u Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 stick with others-Apply NC NC=means no contact at all by phone, email, text, IM, etc.
D-Lish Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Sounds as if she really wasn't over her ex. As much as a prick as he obviously was, for some ridiculous reason, she is still drawn to him. Don't take that personally- I know you are probably the guy who would treat her right, respect her, never cheat, etc. Here's the problem... when a person has a low self esteem, they tend to gravitate towards those who fulfill that notion. Here's the ridiculous part... if you started treating her like crap... she's probably want you more. Sounds crazy... sounds stupid... but it's probably the case. We tend to choose partners based on how we feel about ourselves. I know when I'm feeling good about me, that I date worthy men. When I feel bad about myself...I date ass-h*les. Does that make sense? Sometimes women date men that treat them badly... that has everything to do with how they value/don't value themselves.
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