juk Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Well it's been 3 months now since my wife left after an heated argument. Things have not been right for almost a year now but before that things were perfect for 9 years. We were classed as the "match made in heaven" by many folk and we were a very proud couple with a beautiful little boy. Anyway she has been very nasty towards me in the first few weeks of leaving, saying really hurtful things and acting like a child (she's 33) We have been in contact nearly everyday (tried N/C and changed my number, only lasted 3 days then i couldn't handle it anymore so rang) I have moved into a nice house in a different town with a friend, i have changed jobs and starting to find out about myself again. Dressing the way i like, listening to the music i like, you get the picture. Now my W is all over me again touchy touchy and wanting to kiss (didn't for 10 weeks) She said "i have been thinking that although the spark in our marriage had died if i find another man and that spark dies in time, i will be left in the same position but our son will be with a man who is not he's real dad" Well that's pretty obvious really. She doesn't want to live with me again (full time) for a while and wants to take things slowly. I really think she's playing me and now realizes the grass is not greener on the other side. I really don't know if i can trust her, i used to 100% but i have a gut feeling that if we get back together and take things slowly but someone "better" comes along i will be dumped again and left heartbroken. I know my W and some of her divorced friends have been drinking in bars where London City stock brokers drink, maybe im being paranoid or maybe they are in there looking for MR Right? It's really confusing and i have never been so ill in my life over the last 3 months, i want to heal and feel better, i see her as the fix to my feeling so crap about myself and want to get back with her just so i can feel good again but it's going to be a very dangerous game.
Woggle Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Don't go back to her. She is just mad that you are actually enjoying life without her and it is a blow to her ego. It has nothing to do with love and if you trust her again she will hurt you again. Make you have equal parenting rights and cut your losses. It will be worse for your son to see the two of you constantly go back and forth.
Author juk Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Woggle my stomach has knotted up again after reading what you put. Is it not possible that couples do get back together because they genuinely miss each other and have made a mistake? I can honestly say with hand on my heart my life is going to be crap for years if i don't get back with her. I love that woman and our son so much i can't put it into words. Our life together before the breakup was good like i say for 9 years but the last year things got bad, i didn't want to socialize much, was to wrapped up in work, didnt give her or our son much attention. I spoke to her sometimes like someone i hated not someone i loved. I should of treasured them both and showed a hell of alot more love and attention but i didn't. She even said to me yesterday i know now you wouldnt talk to me the way you did because you know the consequences. I messed up and realize know how much they both mean to me (always did but didn't show it, big difference) How can i give up on something that used to be so perfect? Maybe she is starting to see the "old me" the man she feel in love with, the man who could look after himself and had a social life and could have fun, i became boring and was way to content with my life, now she can see i have changed maybe that's why she's interested again?...
Woggle Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I was looking back at your other posts and I see that she had an affair pretty much because she did not have a dating life in high school and now was attractive and wanted attention from men? Am I getting this right? If so it is not your fault and don't think for a minute she won't do this again. I hate to say this but she does not love you and it is possible she never did. There are millions of other men going through this and it is just typical woman behavior. You need to learn to be happy without her. Life is much bigger than just one woman.
Author juk Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Yes your right there are issues with her when she was younger. Now she does have this thing with neading/craving attention, i should of gave her alot more attention but didnt. I dont want to spend the rest of my life thinking it was my fault. I have been told woman need to be given attention quite a bit, whether you have been together 1 year or 10 years. I could of shown so much more but i didnt, hell i didnt even know if she was in the house or not half the time because i was so wrapped up in my computer work. You say maybe she never really loved me, or for along time at least. If you could see our wedding video we were the most "in love" couple you could imagine. She also then was looking her best in years. I hear what your saying and it's hard to accpet. After the attention i got from her yesterdfay, the nice meal we had toghether with our son, i was on top of the world, now i feel crap again.
Woggle Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Yes your right there are issues with her when she was younger. Now she does have this thing with neading/craving n, i should of gave her alot more attention but didnt. I dont want to spend the rea of my life thinking it was my fault. You say maybe she never really loved me, or for along time at least. If you could see our wedding video we were the most "in love" couple you could imagine. She also then was looking her best in years. I hear what your saying and it's hard to accpet. After the attention i got from her yesterdfay, the nice meal we had toghether with our son, i was on top of the world, now i feel crap again. Of course you looked in love because many women are great actresses. Plus she was probably just getting off on the high of the wedding. Maybe she really did love you but she has changed since then. Most women change for the worse after marriage. My ex and I look so in love in our old pics but last year she tried to kill me so it can switch very easily. If she really does want to get back together stop blaming yourself for her cheating and don't make it easy for her. If she still blames you for the affair that is not a good sign. You sound like a nice guy who has found out the hard way how some women can be. Also remember it is not your fault.
Author juk Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Thanks Woggle, As my mum said to me "you didn't do things right, but you didn't do anything wrong" What she means by that is, i could of done things alot different but i didn't hurt anyone just beacuse i was working so hard. Maybe it's a lesson to be learned. I will let you know in a few weeks time what happens.
lindya Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I know my W and some of her divorced friends have been drinking in bars where London City stock brokers drink, maybe im being paranoid or maybe they are in there looking for MR Right? Good luck to her if she thinks she'll find Mr Right in amongst the throng of barrow boys splashing their bonuses around... Woggle my stomach has knotted up again after reading what you put. Is it not possible that couples do get back together because they genuinely miss each other and have made a mistake? Woggle has a lot of unresolved issues about women, and therefore tends to give advice that demonises the female party in any relationship break-up. Maybe she is starting to see the "old me" the man she feel in love with, the man who could look after himself and had a social life and could have fun, i became boring and was way to content with my life, now she can see i have changed maybe that's why she's interested again?... That seems very possible. On the other hand... if you get straight back into a relationship with her the moment she says that's what she wants, how long will you be able to sustain the "old you" who she fell in love with? At the moment you still seem very focused on her perception of you (ie "is she now seeing in me the man she originally fell in love with?"). That's understandable, but it might also be a sign that you haven't yet got everything you can from this period of separation in terms of rediscovering yourself as a man rather than simply as a husband and father. Put it like this. Your wife has proved to you, through her actions, that she has a flaky side. After this situation, even if the two of you get back together it might be that you never feel 100% certain of your future with her. Yet you might decide that despite all that, she's the woman for you...and you do want to try again with her. If you decide to try again, and those are the circumstances (ie she'll always have the potential to be a bit flaky) then maybe the only way you can make it work long term is by having a degree of confidence and self containment that makes you honestly able to say "I want to be with you, but I won't fall apart if it doesn't work out. I don't want you to leave, but the exit will never be blocked if you decide you want to leave." The problem with that is, of course, that it leaves you in a permanent state of uncertainty about your relationship. On the other hand, much as people need to convince themselves that there are certain things they can rely on...I can't see that anything is ever certain (except for the usual - death and taxes). No friendship, no relationship and no significant other. All I'd advise is that if you do get back with your wife, be very clear with yourself that you can cope with that uncertainty being very much in your face....possibly for the rest of your married life. Some people can, and some people are arguably stronger or more enlightened as a result of their ability to accept and deal with that level of blatant uncertainty. I don't think anyone can tell you the right thing to do here...it's more a question of who you want to be (both as a man and as a father) and whether getting back with your wife will help you to be that person.
Guest Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Well it's been 3 months now since my wife left after an heated argument. Things have not been right for almost a year now but before that things were perfect for 9 years. We were classed as the "match made in heaven" by many folk and we were a very proud couple with a beautiful little boy. Anyway she has been very nasty towards me in the first few weeks of leaving, saying really hurtful things and acting like a child (she's 33) We have been in contact nearly everyday (tried N/C and changed my number, only lasted 3 days then i couldn't handle it anymore so rang) I have moved into a nice house in a different town with a friend, i have changed jobs and starting to find out about myself again. Dressing the way i like, listening to the music i like, you get the picture. Now my W is all over me again touchy touchy and wanting to kiss (didn't for 10 weeks) She said "i have been thinking that although the spark in our marriage had died if i find another man and that spark dies in time, i will be left in the same position but our son will be with a man who is not he's real dad" Well that's pretty obvious really. She doesn't want to live with me again (full time) for a while and wants to take things slowly. I really think she's playing me and now realizes the grass is not greener on the other side. I really don't know if i can trust her, i used to 100% but i have a gut feeling that if we get back together and take things slowly but someone "better" comes along i will be dumped again and left heartbroken. I know my W and some of her divorced friends have been drinking in bars where London City stock brokers drink, maybe im being paranoid or maybe they are in there looking for MR Right? It's really confusing and i have never been so ill in my life over the last 3 months, i want to heal and feel better, i see her as the fix to my feeling so crap about myself and want to get back with her just so i can feel good again but it's going to be a very dangerous game. "i will be left in the same position but our son will be with a man who is not he's real dad" Well that's pretty obvious really. " this isn't about u and her - its about her past - she's projecting and trying to compensate for what she lost. she did that with mom too. that's why she calls me mom when i make her mad. honestly, like i've told her, its not hard to take back the power - i did it this summer and if i can she can plus, if she's divorced and we figure things out maybe we could looking into adoption - like make her part of the family and still have a bio-dad, and just a great male role model
Author juk Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 if you get straight back into a relationship with her the moment she says that's what she wants, how long will you be able to sustain the "old you" who she fell in love with. I have no choice in that matter. I have had to change my lifestyle as im not in a family environment anymore. If we do get back together it's not going to be a matter of me moving straight back in with her and my son. She wants to leave things as they are living separately, date again and become boyfriend and girlfriend rather that husband and wife. Sounds a little strange but i can see where she's coming from. She wants to fall in love again and wants to be excited to see me when i take her out. Moving straight back in could be a disaster that's why im happy to take things slowly like this. To sum up lindya the bottom half of your post i would call that not taking things for granted (which i certainly did) As you say not many things in life are forever and im going to have to be able to cope with that even if it doesn't work out in the future. You know i could go and meet a woman tomorrow, get to know her and think she's the most honest woman in the world and get hurt by her a few months/years later. No one can say for 100% sure that they are going to be with their partner forever. But you can sure learn from mistakes and try and keeps things on track. Guest, im a little lost by your post.
lindya Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Guest, im a little lost by your post. I think that particular guest keeps mistaken this for a Ouija board rather than a message board. There are a number of similar random posts scattered around.
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