Boyfriend's "issues"

[Guest]

I am getting so depressed over this. Can anyone identify and offer advice? I love my boyfriend with all my heart. But he has enormous problems dealing with emotional issues/feelings/arguments. He just can't seem to deal with any kind of argument or emotion. When it comes to emotional stuff, he does make an effort, but can't manage more than about 5 minutes of conversation and finds it very difficult. He can't say he loves me (I know he does love me, it's ok that he doesn't say it, but that's just an example of how 'stuck' he is with emotional stuff).

 

As for discussing problems in our relationship, no matter what I do or how I say things, he gets extremely upset. It means that I can't tell him about any problem I have in the relationship, no matter how gentle I am about it. Invariably, he will get extremely defensive. During an argument, he won't be able to look at me at all.

 

Afterwards, he withdraws, tells me he needs his space, might not speak to me for a few days. A lot of the time, this is over what I have considered to be some tiny, insignificant issue that I just wanted to clear the air over. Afterwards, I am always the one who has to apologise and grovel, and he always insists that any problems are 100% my fault. I don't want to break up with him, I love him, and despite the above, he's such an amazing person. But he's an emotional cripple. I want to stress that I'm not blaming him, this is not his fault, he's had some life experiences that I don't really want to go into here. But, has anyone been through this kind of thing with their partner? Is there hope for change, with trust and love and time? I'd do anything for this man, but after two and a half years together, and several short-term breakups in between, I'm getting desperate for answers.

[Mezzi]

Maybe he needs some counselling.

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't know about his past, but even a physical cripple gets some kind of help. It shouldn't be different because he is an emotional cripple. Sometimes problems are very deep seated and time without any help dealing with the problem doesn't generally make it better.

 

Two and a half years is a long time investment for things to not have improved. Surely by now he could trust you enough to at least be able to share "I love you" with you. I hear you say that it's not a problem because you know he loves you, but geez. Everything wrong is 100% your fault? that doesn't sound like there is much give and take, and without that what do you have? Space and silence would be difficult within a marriage or long term relationship for me.

 

I would be getting desperate to get out of this relationship.

[Guest]

Maybe he needs some counselling.

 

I agree, 100%. He sure does. But I doubt I could ever get him to go. He would have to admit he had a problem, something he finds extraordinarily difficult. He finds it easier to blame me and my style of communication rather than the fact that we cannot talk about anything without him freaking out. Actually, I know exactly what would happen. I would suggest counselling, either together or just him. He would then decide, on the spot, that the two of us were clearly not working out, because I have this issue with him.

 

He would then say that maybe we should break up, and then he wouldn't speak to me for a week. Finally, I would go over to his apartment and, after about an hour of talking to him, convince him that I still wanted to be with him. I think - I don't want to label him, and I'm not saying he's got this thing - but he has some traits of Avoidant Personality Disorder. He doesn't act like this in all aspects of his life, but I'm assuming he did this with his previous partners as well. My gut feeling is that he is *terrified* of being hurt and rejected. I try to tell him over and over how much I love and value him, but I don't know that it has any effect.