Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 We've all had this happen to us before. You're dating someone, things are going well, and next thing you know... they're gone. Disappeared. Maybe you pushed them away. Maybe you didn't. Maybe they died. Maybe they moved. You never know. With the last guy I was dating, I just kinda decided that I felt like I was putting in the effort and wanted to see if he was really all that into me. He was perpetually "busy." Anyway, when I called, he answered or called back within a few hours, but I realized he wasn't ever calling me. So one day I just stopped calling.... and he never called. It's been like 3 weeks now. I wonder what happened, if I did something wrong, if the timing was off, if he met someone else, if the spark was simply lacking, whatever. Sometimes I'm tempted to call him or email him and just casually ask, "What happened?" with no pressure, just so I KNOW. Part of me thinks he wouldn't respond at all, and the other part of me is terrified of what he'd say. Should I do it in this instance? Do you ever ask, "What happened?"
Porn_Guy Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 i've pulled the "disappearing trick" many times....very rarely is it that women will contact me to ask why. they may contact me but they won't ask what happened or why. the way i look at it is if we don't have an agreement or exclusivity arrangement then I don't need to give any reason or any notice.
monkey00 Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Should I do it in this instance? Do you ever ask, "What happened?" you could but is there a point? to move on for most people it's simply easier to get closure from either or both sides that 'its over'. Asking for an explanation is like choking a chicken - basically you'd have to do that to get any real answer.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 PG - I don't think I needed "notice" or anything, I'm just really curious in this instance. I mean, literally, if I didn't have ways of knowing he was alive, I might have actually thought he was dead. Things were going THAT WELL between us up until my final call. Part of the reason for me doing it would also to end it-end it. I've had soooo many guys just casually RE-appear, thinking they can, and that irritates me. When you're done with me, I'm done with you... and I kinda want him to know that. In a very polite way, of course.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Star Gazer, is this the booty call guy? I never saw the outcome of that post as to whether you allowed him to come over or not. Anyway, if this is the same guy, I would assume that he wanted only one thing. If that's the case, he isn't worthy of your attention, is he? I can understand wanting to know what went wrong. I've had a few disappear simply because when they called I wasn't able to talk and said I would have to talk to them later. I was glad they never called again, and I didn't call either one back myself. I felt like both of them wanted to see me for reasons that weren't what I was interested in (one was obviously looking for a mother for his daughter, the other wanted a hot chick for his friends to ooh and aah over.) I don't think I would call or email to ask him what changed unless I casually ran into him somewhere and got into a conversation. Then I might bring it up.
Sand&Water Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 RE: The Disappearing Act is not cool. When men do disappear without a trace, the respect I have for them definitely goes out the window. This is why, I intend to test this out in the next few weeks on someone. IF he truly is interested he will contact me. Otherwise, it is his loss. The grate lies in the endings: "Talk to you soon" he would say -is intensely open-ended making the drive to pursue much more captivating, and toxic. Things pan out in a strange way, sometime. When the disappearing act occurs, then just take it as is. Move on. It is much more peaceful. Sand&Water
Porn_Guy Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 PG - I don't think I needed "notice" or anything, I'm just really curious in this instance. I mean, literally, if I didn't have ways of knowing he was alive, I might have actually thought he was dead. Things were going THAT WELL between us up until my final call. like i said earlier....if you two had an agreement to be a couple then you may deserve an explanation and you should ask for one. But...if there was no agreement then all bets are off.
Genji Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Star Gazer you sound like a great girl honestly. I see exactly where you're coming from. I walked away from someone in a very similar situation. I wouldn't call it disappearing. I didn't end the situation and left it open because the girl was doing what the guy is doing to you: - Not putting in the effort - Taking people for granted - Not returning phone calls The girl I walked away from didn't seem bothered or asked me anything about "what happend" so I assume she doesn't care. Star Gazer, DO NOT ask this guy what happend. You sound like an awesome girl putting in the effort and this guy sounds like a dumbass for not seeing that. If anything HE should be asking YOU what happend.
Storyrider Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 like i said earlier....if you two had an agreement to be a couple then you may deserve an explanation and you should ask for one. But...if there was no agreement then all bets are off. It is just common curtesy to say goodbye to someone if you don't plan on contacting them again, whether a friend, a lover, or even a wrong number on the phone. You don't just disappear. I think this is one of those "should have learned in kindergarten" thingies...
Porn_Guy Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 It is just common curtesy to say goodbye to someone if you don't plan on contacting them again, whether a friend, a lover, or even a wrong number on the phone.... who said???
Pyro Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 It is just common curtesy to say goodbye to someone if you don't plan on contacting them again, whether a friend, a lover, or even a wrong number on the phone. You don't just disappear. I think this is one of those "should have learned in kindergarten" thingies... I agree, but for someone to do that, it just shows what kind of person that they are and do you really want to be involved with someone like that? Not me, so good riddence if they do that.
upsetnhurt Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 StarGazer, There is definitely no need to contact him again. Be confident in yourself and know that it is his loss for whatever reasons he chose to disappear. I tend to think that you are questionning his actions so much because deep down you are not 100% happy or confident in yourself and you should be as you seem like a great person from what I have read in threads. Typically I find that most people who disappear do so because of problems they are dealing with themselves rather than it being anything to do with the person they are disappearing from. It could very well be old baggage he has yet to resolve (an ex), lack of confidence, depression, etc. Know that whichever reason it was it actually did you a favor as you have no need to get involved with someone who is not ready to give you 100% respect and deem your friendship a priority.
so gutted Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 This has happend to me at least once every month for the last 3 years. I havnt learnt. I met one guy on Monday lunchtime. He pursued meeting more then I did. During the meeting he said, let me down gently ( jokingly). He also asked me face to face if I wanted to meet him again, I said yes it would be good. He also said I will call you tonight. He hasnt called. For once Im not that bothered - because there were awkward silences followed by hardcore marraige talk.( so why say all that and disappear?) Part of me is a bit angry that again im getting the complete disappearing act, but i wont call him. Numerous times before I have called them, hounded them for explanations, i rarely got an answer and found myself more and more depressed and worthless. This is part and parcel of the online dating scene. I have had guys disappear that have met me once and some disappear that have met me 15 times. I give each guy 3 months - by then they are long gone. I dont know why, i wishi had the will power not to call them. My latest one, wont meet me in real life....just talks online.....even though he talks about a relationship - he wont meet....he has really wasted my time, led me on. when i asked him about meeting, i said do you exist etc ...he said we will meet soon.....guess what - he has either blocked me or is never online anymore. That has really P*ssed me off. why waste so much time online if u dont want to meet...he got me hooked........and run...
Porn_Guy Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 My latest one, wont meet me in real life....just talks online.....even though he talks about a relationship - he wont meet....he has really wasted my time, led me on. in actuality you've wasted your own time.
Guestabc123 Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I have pulled the disappearing act one too many times (mostly because I wasn't feeling any chemistry). It's also a spineless way of saying I am not that into you but I'm afraid to tell you because I might hurt your feelings so I'll just disappear. I admit. Like PG has said, if there's no exclusivity, then I don't need to explain anything.
agnf666 Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 This has happened to me 2 times now with the same guy. Now, the first time I let it go because he's grandfather apssed away (or so he claimed). Now, this time we talked 3 days before my 21st birthday and that was the last time that I have talked to him. He was suppose to come out with me and my friends that night but he never return my calls to go. So, I drunk called him on my birthday (lets just say it was a really mean voicemail that I left) and then I was done with him. I never called him agian to ask why, never emailed him either. He has not tried to contact me at all. So, he is known to do the disappearing act. I mean sometimes in a way it is better that way so you don't have to go through breaking up and hearing all those lame ass excuses that guys make... Rather then a guy just saying "Im just not interested in you anymore"... The come out with the "I'm too busy... or my favorite line that I have gotten "I'm starting a band and I won't have time to hang with you":lmao:
Storyrider Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 who said??? Porn_Guy, since we're not sure there is a higher power in this secular world, humans are responsible for creating a climate of mutual respect for one another. Sure, countries and world leaders can treat each other with respect, but if individuals don't do so, we are screwed.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 DropDeadLegs, just to be clear, this is not booty call guy. This is a different guy. I sensed disappearing guy was over long before I started flirting with booty call guy - we'll deal with him separately later. My count was off... disappearing guy actually disappeared about a month ago. He just came into my mind while dealing with booty call guy's BS. And PG, see the thing is that with disappearing guy, we actually DID have the exclusivity talk...at least to the extent that we decided to exclusively see each other and only sleep with one another. You might remember this - we were "exclusive" but not "boyfriend-girlfriend." Weird. Then I went on a trip. When I returned, I called him and we spoke. Called him again, we spoke. Called him again, we spoke. And then I stopped...and never heard from him again. During the "waiting for him to call period" I became distracted by booty call guy who was very very very very attentive and flirty and allathat jazz... and whaddyaknow, he has somewhat disappeared too.
magichands Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I'm wondering if this is as simple as not being able to hear the phone ring. Perhaps it's something of an overreaction to be walking around with your hands over your ears? Or you could always put your cell on vibrate. Just a thought.
Porn_Guy Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Sure, countries and world leaders can treat each other with respect, but if individuals don't do so, we are screwed. if there is no binding verbal contract then I don't need to explain anything....
Recommended Posts