Ell Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Firstly HI, and please no one make me feel any worse than I already do because I probably can't take it. I'll try to explain the situation as briefly as possible. I had a guy friend I got to know a few months before I moved away, I moved away and got married. We were just friends, I think we both had feelings for eachother but it was only about a year 1/2 ago we told eachother that. We decided nomatter what our feelings that the friendship would come first. I have Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety along with social phobia so i'm a bit messed up you could say... due to a ****ty childhood. I don't like to talk about it, or my problems, I also self harm and hide it from everyone except my husband and very few friends. I told this one friend everything, he was always there for me, was non judgemental and when I had a breakdown he'd be on the other end of the phone or on the internet. But he went back to school and decided he needed to work really hard, which I understand and I want him to succeed... but at the same time I felt he wasn't caring about me like he should, I know part of that is the BPD and feeling rejected easy, but even thinking logically... he wasn't treating me like he should, the whole world and our friendship couldn't, or can't revolve around him like he thinks it should. It's got to the point where I feel like I can't confide in him because we're distant. He doesn't feel we are, but I definitley feel it. My marriage isn't all that, my husbands wonderful but a workaholic and doesn't understand my problems or issues like this friend did, but all we've done recently is argue. He never used to argue because he knows it can push me to breaking point, ie. cutting myself or other self harming actions. It's not like I would abuse him and he'd just take it, but if he thought I was getting upset too easy he'd calm the situation and be sympathetic. Anyway, he says he still loves me, I know he still wants to talk to me, I had plans to visit home and see him next month and he was excited about that but nowhere near as excited as I felt he should be, I have to book expensive flights and he felt it should revolve around his school work and deadlines! I've walked away from him a few times before, blocked him online and not taken his calls but we've made up a few months later. But tonight is different, I told him once we stop talking i'm gone unless he can fix it and he basically threw his arms up in defeat, so I said we're done.. i'm gone, and I MEAN it, it's over. I threw out all the gifts he has sent me while i've been gone. I blocked and deleted him from my messengers so I can't see when he's online and be tempted to make up, I deleted him out of my phone so I can't be tempted to call or text... etc. I think it's for the best, I can't watch OUR friendship deteriorate to nothing like past ones have, but those were ones that never meant much to begin with. We really did love eachother.... I'm so so so sad, I feel like my heart's been ripped out but I feel it's the best thing to do, now he can do his work without worrying about me and I won't feel rejected or like he doesn't care like he used to. I'm just really sad... my husband is late home AGAIN from work, and I guess i'm just looking for some comfort. I've lost the one person I could REALLY rely on... and it's because he stopped being that person. I'm depressed.
CardPlay3r Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Well, I don't know what to say about the particular situation with your friend if he really stop caring about you or you imagined it...maybe he felt you were too clingy or it was affecting him emotionally if you unloaded too much on him. What you need to do in the first place is get counselling for all your problems, are you doing that?
Author Ell Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Thanks for the reply... I have had had counselling with different people and it hasn't helped, i'm thinking of trying again tho... Well, I see why you might think that but he WANTED to be here for me and wanted me to talk to him, I actually didn't unload that much on him... it was a 2 way friendship. I'm actually the person who listens to my friends problems and hides my own, I could just turn to him when things got serious... when I don't other people. I'm not sure what happened, I'm pretty sure he wanted to be with me and couldn't, and I guess the distance helped tear us apart too. He sent me a text today like nothings happened... he just doesn't think there's an issue. I'm not saying anything back. Maybe I am imagining a lot of it, I know it's part of BPD... What a head f*ck! Thanks for your reply anyway
Recommended Posts