- I need to say the words... can someone tell me what they think of this...

[Distracted]

I'm going out tomorrow with friends to a place that I am likely to run into my ex. We have not spoken in a few weeks. He has not said the words that he wants to break up, but its obvious that this is case.... Anyways, I have given up hope that he will say the words. We have lots of friends in common... he's not a bad guy. I'm not pinning my hopes on a second chance mostly because it would be a bad decision for me (he has financial issues) but I don't want to give up hanging out with friends we share and this is what I'm planning to say tonight. Any thoughts for me- other than maintain NC b/c that doesn't feel like a option until after a clean break.

 

"So I’m going to the bar tomorrow to watch the game and I figured you might be there and I really don’t want to wait and say what I have to say after I’ve had a couple of drinks. So I’m just going to get it over with now… Anyway- the fact is that I am hurt. I’m hurt that you couldn’t talk to me about what you were feeling and that you still can’t but I will get over that hurt. And the truth of our situation is we have many friends and places in common and the likelihood is that we will run into one another and I’d rather not things be as awkward as the currently are. So my point is only that I want you to know that I don’t wish you badly and in fact I hope the best for you- you are a great person and you deserve that and so do I. That's it, I just wanted to say what I had to say."

[Guest]

never worry about things like that - i am sure this person loves u and will never hurt u and wants u to enjoy time with yer friends - chances are they want to go there too because they wish u were still together. gawd, if i saw myexgf i would have to be careful not to get down on my knees and propose to her right on the stop - that would freak her out - i know

lol

 

my 2cents enjoy the time with yer friends. personally, when i see my exgf again, i would rather it just be us and i would ask if i can remove the 'ex' part - i hate saying that

[Lostandfound]

What makes you think you have broken up, if he hasnt told you, of course you havent spoken to him or seen him in some time, so you assume.

 

Have you considered that he may be haing a real bad time of it, and does not want to worry you with it.

 

I would either make contact with him, and say you are going to be there, and can you meet before hand for a chat, or dont send anything and just go and have a great time with your friends, he will see what he is missing im sure, but to send a mesage like that i think is not appropriate and will not get you what you want, closure or anything else.

[Distracted]

Thank you for the quick response Lost and Found. And there's a big part of me that agrees with you, but the reason I believe its over is that he's has told other people its over... he's appologized to my friends for hurting me. I really feel like he's just not brave enough to say the words to me. And he actually is having a very bad time of it right now... I just don't want to get into a situation where I'll end up saying something I regret because I waited until the heat of the moment to say it.... Given what's he's said indirectly isn't better to just make a clean break and get on with the healing process?

[Guest]

I am just curious as to what kind of financial issues this guy has and are you letting money drive your decision in this situation?

[Lostandfound]

but the reason I believe its over is that he's has told other people its over... he's appologized to my friends for hurting me. I really feel like he's just not brave enough to say the words to me. And he actually is having a very bad time of it right now... I just don't want to get into a situation where I'll end up saying something I regret because I waited until the heat of the moment to say it.... Given what's he's said indirectly isn't better to just make a clean break and get on with the healing process?

First of all, to tell all your friends its over before telling you is disgraceful, and you really are better off without him, i would not even give him the satisfaction of writing to him just go and enjoy yourself.

 

I thought my situation was bad enough broken up by sms, and then confirmed on a 20 second phone call, but to not be told, or find out via a third party, would have been better to write it on a post it note, and stick it on your front door

[Distracted]

Guest- he's recently lost his job and is having money issues obviously. He's never been very stable financially and I am pretty sucessful. I think the reason for the break-up is his ego. He has not borrowed any money from me and felt uncomfortable if I tried to pay for more than half of anything.

 

Lost and Found- I agree his method of break-up disgraceful. But at 27 he's only had one other relationship when he was a teenager and has a very hard time expressing feelings. I don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt me more...

 

So my problem is that I will have to see him repeatedly- I will NC him as much as possible but unless I commit to completely changing my life (which I don't feel I should have to do) complete NC is impossible. What are your suggestions for what I should do to end the awkwardness of breaking up without ever discussing it in any way what so ever.

[notmakingsense]

Since you recognize the fact that he is immature when it comes to communicating feelings, and you have recognized that the relationship won't work, and you want to keep things amicable -- I would leave the whole "I'm hurt" out of your talk with him.

 

Instead, I'd tell him that you recognize that he is uncomfortable in the relationship, and that you understand. You want for things not to be awkward, so put him at ease that all is forgiven and that life continues, and that you think that it will be fine eventually and that you even might turn out to be friends.

 

Saying this will ease the pressure, and probably will have the effect that you are moving on -- which will inspire some pursuit if he is still confused.

 

But - the main point is to ease the pressure so that it isn't awkward when you see him again.

[Distracted]

To be honest the whole reason I put the "hurt" part in is because one of the friends he appologized to...for hurting me... told him that there he didn't hurt me... that he wasn't that important to me. Which wasn't true. As I said, a second chance is really not what I'm after. but I guess I want him to know its ok to be vulnerable with women, even if its not me, and not make him think that I didn't mean what I said when I said I loved him. I know we are split up and that I shouldn't care, but I would rather he grow up from this experience than go backwards... Its funny I live in a big city but a little neighborhood so everyone knows what he has done... he's really getting the screws put to him right now by everyone, except me.

 

And as a side note... thank God for this site!

[Distracted]

I know some would disagree with me about the importance of closure, that it is really just an excuse to see the ex and attempt to rekindle something, but I think there is more to it than that. Over the weekend I finally talked to my ex... of course I had to be the one that made the effort to go to him and say something and I’m still angry about that, but now I’ve heard from his mouth why he doesn’t want to date me and somehow that’s freeing. I don’t have to imagine what he was thinking any more.

 

And its what I thought- he thought he was ready to be in a relationship but doesn’t want to be tied down and more honestly he couldn’t handle the fact that he’s unemployed and doesn’t have any money. And he said that when he said he loved me he meant it, but now he doesn’t. Although since that last time he said it was only a month before he left, its hard to believe, but its also a clear statement that doesn’t make me think he’s on the fence. But over all I think I handled it well- I told him I thought he was smarter and more capable than he gives himself credit for and that if he could only focus he could do anything he wanted… he said I sounded like his mother, which is probably part of the problem…

 

So now for the hard part... I think for me one of the hardest things about breaking up with someone is knowing that I’m going to have to start over with someone else… I’m tired of starting over… so tired in fact that I was entertaining the idea of a permanent life with a guy who doesn’t have the same values and focus that I do… I just have to keep in mind that you can’t find Mr. Right when you’re involved with Mr. Wrong so now that Mr. Wrong is gone I'm going to take a few weeks, cleanse my heart and maybe do some soul searching about why I choose to fall in love with men that need a life coach not a girlfriend before I start the frightening, hopefully rewarding process all over again.

[notmakingsense]

lol... I heard on a radio talk-show over the weekend that for the first time ever in recorded US history, more than 50% of "eligible" women are single. One of the reasons cited was that more women have their act together in terms of independance and living life on their own terms -- and they were rejecting more men that didn't have their act together as much as they did.

 

The Ozzie and Harriet days are truly over