Thegamejr Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 This is my 1st post on here and I'm really confused and dont know what to do about my situation. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 months and everything seemed to be going fine. In the beginning we had some problems because she had a trust issue with guys and she didnt want to get hurt again. But I've done nothing to make her think I'd hurt her or break her heart and I'm the first guy she's ever completely trusted. But the one problem we've always had was about this guy she goes to school with. She liked himlast year before we were going out and nothing came of it because he was with someone else, so she got over him. But this year they started talking again and he liked her and wanted her to be with him. They kept talking and he eventually tried to kiss her even though he knew she had a boyfriend. The more they talked, she started to like him too and I was getting uncomfortable with it because I knew he had other things on his mind. We had some big fights about him and she eventually stopped talking to him because he was ruining our relationship. And he acted like a jerk about it too and spread rumors about her just because she didnt want to be with him. Well about a week ago she went on a ski trip with her school and he was there. He apologized for everything and she accepted and they were friends again. During that time I got mad over a stupid thing that I shouldnt have gotten mad over, and took it out on her because she was the only person i talked to so she got mad at me and barely talked to me the rest of the weekend. The entire time she was away, she spent with him and she likes him a lot now, and he still wants to get her away from me. When she got back, she told me everything that happened and that she was very confused about what to do. So I tried to reassure her of everything we had and of what we've been through. After a few days, she told me that she didnt want to lose me because I was different from all the other guys who hurt her in the past. So she chose me, but she said she wasnt ready to tell the other guy yet because she doesnt want to hurt him and doesnt want anyone mad at her. I love her very much and I know she loves me, this is very hard between us right now because she'd gotten so used to being around him all the time in school lately that it feels weird between us. We've spoken on the subjec many times and she knows that the way to make everything better would be to stop talking to him so that her feelings for him will go away, but when I tell her that she gets mad at me because she says I'm trying to rush her. She's depressed all the time now and she crys a lot. I dont want her to go through any of this pain anymore because I feel it too. Just knowing that she feels like this everyday makes me feel horrible also. I dont know what to do anymore. I love her so much and I dont want to lose her, but I cant take her being depressed anymore. She knows how to solve the problem, but she doesnt want to stop talking to him. Any suggestions on what I or she could do?
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 So she chose me, but she said she wasnt ready to tell the other guy yet because she doesnt want to hurt him and doesnt want anyone mad at her. She loves you, but it seems she's allowed herself to become emotionally attached to him, hense the "I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him mad at me" line. Until she decides WHO she wants, she is going to feel depressed and confused. And, you need to decide what you are willing to put up with. My suggestion (don't think you're gonna like it though) is break up with her. She can't keep him as a friend and still talk to him because of the feelings involved! She knows this too, so you need to take control and make the choice FOR her. If you don't, she will continue to be "friends" with him and keep you as her boyfriend, and that's not fair to you. I'm sure it will hurt breaking up with her, but what is worse for you? Staying with her when she's confused about her feelings, or wanting another guy, or ending it and healing, so you don't feel like you're in competition with her affection.
binsta Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Im sorry to hear of your situation. Its a terrible position to be in, although I must say that I agree with whichwayisup on the fact that maybe you should break up with this girl.. (at least thats what I would do if I was in your position.) Theres a few things I have learnt along the way, one being I wont settle for anything less than I deserve. No matter how much I love somebody, If i have done all I can do to resolve a situation in which is sacrificing a relationship, and its still not working, ill walk away. You deserve better. You deserve somebody that wants you and you only, thats what a commited relationship is. If she truly loves you, she would put you on a pedistool (sorry im a shocking speller), and not want (or think romantically) about anybody else. When Im in love (and im not sure if this is the same for everyone), even the thought of kissing somebody else makes me feel sick. I know it hurts, and you really love her, but you need to put yourself first. I hope this does not come across too blunt, but it makes me so angry when people do this to people they 'love'. Take care, and I wish you all the best.
dunnowat2du Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 hi I had a similiar situation happen to me, my girlfriend said she had feelings for another guy, she told him about the feelings. well anyway she then told me this, and at one time i asked her if she had feelings for someone else, and thats why she stopped likeing him because she knew it was wrong. but then said "you wouldnt go out with a girl like me anyway" i took that as, if he said he would she would dump me. if he said no, i was the backup plan. see i think your girlfriend does love you very much, but even when your going out with someone, sometimes you can still like other people. she needs to understand what she has, and what she loves. this guy could turn out to be a jerk, and could end up hurting her. and u know what shed come crawling back to you. i know its hard but if you do decide to break up with her, if she wants you back, she will realize it and ask for you back. if she doesnt, it just wasnt meant to be. good luck!
Walk Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I've done a lot of probably wrong things in my life.. and I've had feelings for other guys while dating someone else... Not once though has it sunk me into a depression where I cried a lot. I also cheated on my exh.. I had feelings for the other guy. I also slept with him. Now THAT sunk me into a depression and I cried a lot. But that was mostly guilt. I think she cheated on you during the ski trip. Maybe not full blown sex, but something that crossed the line past just "flirting". I agree with WWIU's post to a T. She is giving you perfect advice. Take it. Plus, you've been with her a little less than a year? And she's already in love with someone else...?!?! You can't get ride of this problem by just telling her not to contact him anymore. I don't know how to explain it to you.. Do you know what unrequited love is?
ls3360 Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I'm not so certain that you should break up, but that's what everyone here is suggesting and I understand why. They really are looking out for you. It sounds like you're a better friend to her than this other guy. I doubt the other guy feels badly for her suffering like you do. And unlike him, I doubt you'd start bad rumors about her if she didn't go out with you. If you do break up, don't wait for her, but please try to stay friends. She seems to have a bad "picker". You might be the only decent guy she ever meets. You can be the reminder that there really are nice guys out there if she would stop picking the bad ones.
ls3360 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I'm still having doubts about the recommendations people have made here. I'm not ready to make a contrary suggestion, but I'd like to at least present a different view and see what people think And he acted like a jerk about it too and spread rumors about her just because she didnt want to be with him. she told me that she didnt want to lose me because I was different from all the other guys who hurt her in the past. So she chose me As I mentioned in the previous post, it sounds like you're a better person for her than the other guy. And it sounds like she's picked you. It would be a pity to give her up now. Especially to someone that isn't good for her. You really have good reason to make sure that she settles with you. You both have good reason for this. The other guy isn't deterred because she has a boy friend. I'm thinking you shouldn't be deterred because she has a suitor. If you are, and you don't have reason to think she'll learn her lesson and return to you if you let her go, then I'm thinking you should "fight" for her now. You're going to see situations like this in business throughout your life. If you walk away, you always lose and the "bad guys" rule your life, but if you fight, you're going to win some. It's not just business either. We see this all the time in politics. Candidates have to fight for the hearts and minds of the public or they or their position will fail. (Yes, I'm oversimplifying.) And you see it in the savannas of Africa in the defense of mating herds. If the bull walks away when threatened, his genes will not be passed on. When you face a pivotal situation like this where you or something important to you is threaten and have a reasonable chance of successfully defending, then stand up and fight for what's important to you. This is a classic tenet of life and you shouldn't get in the habit of walking away. At this point I'm not suggesting any particular "winning" tactics. In fact I'm not suggesting anything at all. I just want peoples' feedback. Can people understand where I'm coming from here? Might it be reasonable to take a risk and fight?
Hitman10000 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Yo man, right now I am playing Cake's "Friend is a Four Letter Word" , here's a glass of some Jack Daniels... Oooh look there's a hot chick right there waiting for you.
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