soinlove07 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Hello everyone! I have never been on this kind of forum before but I was seeking out others like me who find themselves in a relationship with a married partner. I'm not looking for judgement or anything, just a place where I can come to talk to others like myself and get support. I'm sure many of you like myself never thought they would get into a relationship with someone that was already married. I saw others I knew go through it and I always told myself I would never be the other woman...but never say never. My situation is very interesting. I have been in my relationship for 2 1/2 years. My MM lives in Hawaii and I live on the mainland... we are thousands of miles apart and he has traveled to the mainland once to be with me and is going to be traveling again to see me in a couple of months. It will make it almost a year between visits. We met on the internet and became best friends and then out of that friendship grew a deep love that neither one of us expected. Not a day goes by that we don't talk 2 or more times on the phone as well as email. We have a special day every month that we celebrate as "our" day. We email each other e-cards, mail regular cards, send gifts on special holidays... he's even sent me a dozen and 1/2 to 2 dozen roses on special occasions. We talk to each other about anything and everything... we both have expressed just how much in love we are. We have tried 4 times to "do the right thing" but always come back to each other. Tears on both sides have been shed when we tried to say goodbye. It tore our hearts to pieces when we even thought about being out of each other's lives. His W and he don't really have a relationship anymore. He has wanted to leave her but feels obligated to stay as she has no family other than their 2 grown children (both adults) and she does have some emotional problems. When he was here with me last time, there was a moment we just held each other and cried wishing there was someway we could be together. He has expressed that he wants to marry me as I want to marry him but he's afraid of what would happen to his W and what his chilren would think of him if he left their mother. When he and I are apart, it is agonizing on us both. Not a day goes by that we don't miss each other. And so we carry on as we have been for almost 3 years. We are very much a part of each other now. I don't know what the future holds but all we can do is take it one day at a time. Thanks for letting me vent... I needed to express what has been going on to others that are dealing with something similar.
Author soinlove07 Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 Oh and as an FYI, we have not slept together though when we first spent time together which was last year, we wanted to but he wanted to show me his love by not having sex. He wanted me to know that our relationship was real not just about sex. Now with him coming back we may... we are just excited of the thought of seeing each other again. We have missed each other a lot.
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Remember this...Fact is - He lies to his wife, so don't fool yourself into believing won't lie to you as well. You really don't know what goes on between him and his wife...Fact is too, it's a LD (long distance) relationship, so there's ALOT in his life you don't know about - Meaning, stuff he may not tell you about. Is he worth it? It seems to me that you're settling for less here. You do deserve a man, (single one, not a married one) who will love you, be there for you all the time, not just when "he" has time for you... If he really loved you enough he would move heaven and earth to be with you. He would divorce his wife, sort out something fair with her and still be a part of his children's life...Look for his actions, not his words. Sadly for you, his actions (or shall I say non-action) are showing you what the relationship is. Just an affair. Don't expect him to leave his wife, why would he? He has a wife at home, a house, his children, then he has you on the side. Why on earth would he want to give up TWO women?? The guys got it made in the shade. Think about what it is you want out of life. Children? Marriage? You won't get it with the MM you're with now.
puddleofmud Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 So sorry to be the bad guy here, but you've rarely been together in reality. One may wish to formally "date" someone on a regular basis to get to know them well enough to wish to actually commit or marry. What do you value in a partner? Have you been together enough to explore how you handle finances, sexual issues, friends of yours he cannot stand and vs. versa, how he relates to his family (parents, siblings) and vs. versa, who cleans and who cooks, how children should be disciplined, how much to tip the waitress and the other million things that go along with a partnership other than passion? If you feel that a continual honey-moon is what you wish then by all means--have that! If you wish a life with him then that may be a whole other issue--as your "life-style" as a couple is not one that is productive to a life that is one of partnership. Even should he be telling you the absolute truth regarding his marriage you are still not allowed a discovery phase via courtship. OUT IN THE OPEN CONSISTENT DAILY PHYSICAL courtship is something that allows one to seek discovery about their intended partner, especially one considered for "life". Please do what you feel best for you as you are SINGLE and available to all aspects of the dating "pool" and quite a few men would be there for you other than once a year--emotionally and physically! Any man can pick up the phone and order flowers, and some even deliver them in PERSON!
NoIDidn't Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Welcome....hope you find what you are looking for. Not many here have internet only As.
Author soinlove07 Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 puddleofmud, I did a quick reply thinking it would post on the forum but it didn't... I'm just learning this place. But anyway, it's okay to be the "bad guy". I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I know that there is pretty much no future between my MM and me. I feel I deserve better... it's just been very hard for either one of us to let the other go. I am trying to leave my heart open to the possibilities of finding my own single guy... sometimes this whole thing is confusing and I am sure I sound like a fool.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 He wanted to show YOU his love by NOT having sex with you? Did you ask for that? Is that something you requested? That someone who you have not seen in a year and probably won't see you for another year won't make love to you to show you his love? Girl, what are you getting out of this R? Hope this isn't harsh, I just can't see what need he is possibly fulfilling... Welcome to the OW Forum...
Author soinlove07 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 What am I getting out of this R? A love on every level. Believe me... we both wanted to make love to each other but since we had just finally met face to face for the first time, he was afraid that if we did, that I might think that is all he wanted from me which he doesn't. We enjoyed many things while he was here! We just loved being in each other's company. There is a deep connection with each other as if we have known each other for a long time. Having passion is only one aspect of our relationship and there is a lot of it there we just controled it the first time we met... well mostly controled it . When he comes back, I think it will be a different story. We already feel as one on a spiritual and heart level but both desire to share that oneness on a physical level. We are such a long distance from each other but not a day goes by that we don't connect. We are there for each other in everything. But there are definitely plenty of cons do go with the pros in this R.
bonehead Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 His W and he don't really have a relationship anymore. He has wanted to leave her but feels obligated to stay as she has no family other than their 2 grown children (both adults) and she does have some emotional problems Every wife has emotional problems!!!!! ( Most the time its called their husband ) Sorry had to say it Hate to say it but he is leaving something out. Either that our he likes the emotional problems she has. I was married for 13 years to a woman who had emotional and mental issues. It took a couple tries but I did try and leave. Once I did, I couldnt believe the relief. IF what he is saying about her is true, my money is going to be on him using you as a crutch. My situation is very interesting. I have been in my relationship for 2 1/2 years. My MM lives in Hawaii and I live on the mainland... we are thousands of miles apart and he has traveled to the mainland once to be with me and is going to be traveling again to see me in a couple of months. It will make it almost a year between visits. We met on the internet and became best friends and then out of that friendship grew a deep love that neither one of us expected. Not a day goes by that we don't talk 2 or more times on the phone as well as email. My biggest issue with internet or phone relationships is that the other person is free to be exactly what you want, atleast in your mind. The manipulation is so much easier because there is no way of seeing the truth.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 What am I getting out of this R? A love on every level. When he comes back, I think it will be a different story. We are such a long distance from each other but not a day goes by that we don't connect. We are there for each other in everything. It actually sounds like this is more of a friendship on his level and that you are reading way more into it... What if it isn't a different story? Does he say,"I love you"? You say a love on every level, not physical, emotional on your part, but what about him? Either he sees you as just a friend, or he wants you to stroke his ego without him having to do anything... The only way I can see this being ok with you is if you are with someone else and someone else is meeting other needs....Is that case?
Author soinlove07 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 Yes GreenEyedLady... he says "I love you" to me. He said it first. He's told me how much in love with me he is and there are times where he will say "I love you" right in the middle of our conversations and I have done that too. We talk about our deepest feelings, and express those feelings. We physically expressed those feelings when he was here... we just didn't go "all the way" as the expression goes. See I have yet to be with anyone... I have waited and he wasn't ready to take that from me. It was his way of showing me love and respect and that is the way I took it. There is a lot of love between us that goes past friendship. The first time we saw each other, I never knew anyone could look at me with such love in their eyes. The light in them, the smile and the happiness in both of us. No... this love is not one sided. It runs very deep on both our sides. I can honestly say that I'm not imagining his love for me. He has expressed it in many wonderful ways. He's a beautiful human being and it's hard to say just how much in a forum. But anyway...
Seen_It_All Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 It's a real shame you're wasting your life being some married man's emotional crutch. His wife has emotional problems and there's nothing left to the marriage you say? And you know this...how? Oh, yes..because he TOLD you that. Good thing married men never lie or this would be an issue. I don't believe his crock of sh*t story about wanting to prove his devotion by not having sex with you. It simply sounds like he's enjoying the attention of another female and 'dancing around the pit.' Meaning, he's doing everything BUT having sex. In his warped little mind, this means he's not really cheating. Imagine that - you may have found a very rare breed of man that actually has a conscience. I'm truly floored. I guess he thinks all the other silly nonsense going on is innocent. However, I'm sure his wife would think otherwise. You can keep wasting your life on a pen-pal/text message/IM chat-box/ecard/telephone/PO Box relationship and being an emotional crutch for a bored married man, or actually move ahead and form a productive relationship with someone you can value. It's not rocket science. I hate seeing people waste their lives on such unproductive and pointless 'relationships.'
lovelorcet Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 My situation is very interesting. I have been in my relationship for 2 1/2 years. My MM lives in Hawaii and I live on the mainland... we are thousands of miles apart and he has traveled to the mainland once to be with me and is going to be traveling again to see me in a couple of months. It will make it almost a year between visits. We met on the internet and became best friends and then out of that friendship grew a deep love that neither one of us expected. Not a day goes by that we don't talk 2 or more times on the phone as well as email. Actually, it really isn't that interesting at all, more like a dime a dozen. Keep wasting your time if you wish...
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 It's a real shame you're wasting your life being some married man's emotional crutch. His wife has emotional problems and there's nothing left to the marriage you say? And you know this...how? Oh, yes..because he TOLD you that. Good thing married men never lie or this would be an issue. I don't believe his crock of sh*t story about wanting to prove his devotion by not having sex with you. It simply sounds like he's enjoying the attention of another female and 'dancing around the pit.' Meaning, he's doing everything BUT having sex. In his warped little mind, this means he's not really cheating. Imagine that - you may have found a very rare breed of man that actually has a conscience. I'm truly floored. I guess he thinks all the other silly nonsense going on is innocent. However, I'm sure his wife would think otherwise. You can keep wasting your life on a pen-pal/text message/IM chat-box/ecard/telephone/PO Box relationship and being an emotional crutch for a bored married man, or actually move ahead and form a productive relationship with someone you can value. It's not rocket science. I hate seeing people waste their lives on such unproductive and pointless 'relationships.' Great post reply!! A love on every level It isn't love on every level. If it was, in all honesty, he would be having sex with you and be divorcing his wife. Don't fool yourself into believing this man is honourable and a saint. He may care for you alot, but it doesn't change the fact he's still married and has no plans to end his marriage. Your relationship aka affair, is what it is, so if you're happy with how things are now, accept it and go on settling and being second best to someone. You DO deserve a love on all levels, but you ain't gonna get it with this guy. Ever. Take a step back from your situation and see what most are trying to say to you. If you bestfriend was in your shoes I'm sure you would be seeing her situation in the same light we see yours.
frannie Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 His W and he don't really have a relationship anymore. He has wanted to leave her but feels obligated to stay as she has no family other than their 2 grown children (both adults) and she does have some emotional problems. When he was here with me last time, there was a moment we just held each other and cried wishing there was someway we could be together. He has expressed that he wants to marry me as I want to marry him but he's afraid of what would happen to his W and what his chilren would think of him if he left their mother. Hello there. I know you're getting a lot of emotional connection out of this relationship but... there's so much that you're missing... and so much that he doesn't seem inclined to ever give you. It just seems so odd that you would accept this, and I'm wondering why? If their children are grown, he has less reason than usual not to leave his situation. So she has 'emotional problems' and might be lonely if he left her... well... what about you? Are you going to put your life on hold for the sake of another woman being lonely..? Do you really think that is all there is holding him there... a feeling of he must stay because she'll be lonely..? ... and for how many years will this be enough for you..? I'm just wondering why... why you would settle for so little real contact with him when there's almost no chance of this getting any better, ever?
Author soinlove07 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Thank you all for your honest opinions about my situation. I will remember all of this as I move forward.
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