chryssy83 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 You can see past posts for info...here's a brief timeline: 1. Breakup (his doing) after 3.5 years together 2. Get back together next day (his doing) 3. Few weeks later, break up again (again, his doing) 4. Two weeks no contact 5. Phone message from me 6. Returned call from him 7. Received pricey gift in mail (from him) 8. MANY calls from him 9. Both reveal we've been out with other people 10. More phone calls from him 11. Promises to keep talking 12. Insane email accusing me of SOMETHING--I don't know what He has NEVER been crazy like this before. Calls me three times in a row to ask why I don't want to talk to him or tell me he's too busy to talk. Then STOP CALLING. Email accusing me of doing SOMETHING, but I don't know what. Which I respond to by saying I don't know what he's talking about. I doubt he'll respond. BUT--if he was just angry with me and never wanted to talk again, why send the email at all? Why not just stop talking? I knew I loved him. He wasn't sure we could be married forever. I wanted him back but I haven't freaked out this time. He seems REALLY insecure. Keeps saying I wouldn't love him anymore if we got married. But now he says that he's not sure I ever cared about him at all and sends a nasty email. Does he need to get mad in order to move on? Is he just paranoid since I'm not begging him to get back with me like I have before? Is he just unhappy with life/unstable enough that he needs to keep arguing? When we talked I tried to stay upbeat. People on here said "oh, he doesn't want you, let it go." But then he just keeps calling, and I know I probably shouldn't answer but it's like there is something wrong with him and it hurts me to know that he's upset... Is he trying to manipulate me or string me along in case he decides later he wants me back? Sending a hateful email that implies he would not like to talk to me again doesn't seem like a way to accomplish that. Is he trying to pick a fight or see if he can make me emotional? I'm actually proud of myself for being social, getting back into my educational stuff, etc. I have only been really upset 3 or 4 times since January started, which is pretty good given the situation. I'm not even that upset tonight, just really confused. What does this sound like? This isn't your typical "please tell me he wants me back" thread...I can't handle his drama even though I love him to pieces. But I thought men weren't supposed to be so dramatic like this!!! Help?
amaysngrace Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I think if you went out and dated other guys in the two weeks you were broken up that would drive him crazy. Especially after 3 and a half years together. He probably thinks you guys meant nothing at all to you if you could forget about him so easily and move on to date others. Just because he said he did doesn't mean he dated others. Maybe he was trying to feel you out. And you hurt him by telling him that.
lorr Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Chryssy do not make his issues your concern. The both of you have broken up so its none of his or your business who you go out with and date. If the unpleasant emails and phonecalls are bothering you then you need to be firm by telling him to not contact you anymore and to leave you alone. Or you can think about changing your email/phone number. It seems that when he does call and email you, you automatically respond to him and that is not what you should be doing. If anything you are just giving him more unnecessary and unwanted attention. You say that you are proud of being social and getting back into educational stuff,these activities should be keeping you busy and preoccupied meaning that you wouldn't have the time or energy to respond to his nonsense. If he is insecure, mad,paranoid or whatever then he needs to work out his problems in his own time rather than dragging you into his mess.
Author chryssy83 Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 Thanks for your replies. I know it hurts to hear that I went out with other people. It hurts me to think that he has, as well. But he went out with other people during past short break-ups....I think he's just shocked that this time is different. In the past, I always waited for him...for days, weeks, months, whatever. But we can't just do that over and over. I only told him I had been out because I asked him if he had. He volunteered information that he had been out with someone else in response to my question. I guess I didn't know based on his response that he would care to know what I had done. I'm just a brutally honest, up-front person and I felt weird about us both just avoiding the topic. Maybe that was inconsiderate of his feelings? My first instinct is like you said, lorr...it's none of my business what he does and it's none of his what I do. But he is genuinely upset and I know his "support system" isn't nearly as strong as mine. He doesn't have a lot of close friends, whereas I have people from a decade ago who were willing to drive hours just to have lunch and talk even though the friendships have been neglected over the years. I feel bad for him, and I want him to be okay. It's hard that I can't be the one who is there to help him. I have not responded to all of his calls and emails. Some I never responded to (i.e. if they seemed to just be ways to make contact without any real purpose vs. "hey I have a question I need to ask about x"). Maybe I should have been more hestitant in my responses. I know he's hurt by all of this, but I can't get over the fact that he chose this. If he hadn't broken up with me, everything would still be just like it was. My friend read the email I sent him, and she agreed that it was just a clear statement that I don't know what he's talking about, that I'm sorry he's upset about something but I can't respond without knowing what it is, and that he is very wrong in thinking that I haven't ever cared for him when that's obviously not the case. The weather here and where he is will be very bad this weekend, so he probably won't have much social interaction if it's as bad as they say it will be. That makes me sad, too, as I feel like he's in need of someone to help him stabilize his feelings about this whole situation right now. It's so frustrating that I can't help, but I can't. I appreciate the opportunity to just vent here....I am hurting because he is hurting, and I had terrible dreams all night (not about him, but about a lack of control or situations where I struggled to comfort someone who was injured, etc.). I hate this so much!!
Author chryssy83 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Has anyone else ever been in/heard of a situation where the dumper becomes hostile toward the dumpee because he/she isn't "upset enough" or goes on a date following the breakup? I'm thinking he thinks I went out with a particular person...but I didn't and I can't for the life of me figure out why HE would think that. He didn't respond to my response, and I'm concerned now that he may spread negative things about me in my hometown since he apparently believes I did something wrong. He was never like this before. Has anyone ever had an ex who did a complete 180 like this??
D-Lish Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I think it's pretty apparant he's not over the relationship. It's also obvious that he's got some major issues with commitment....especially seeing there is a pattern of break-up, make-up going on here. What you've managed to do is shift the power in your favour by not waiting for him or chasing after him. He's wondering why you are playing aloof instead of remaining interested... Do you think he leaves because he's insecure and he wants you to come after him? I wouldn't worry about what he says to others about you. You can't control his behaviour, nor can you control what he says. If he wants to create drama, then let him. He does seem a tad unstable. Both with his ability to commit as well as his anger and accusations. It seems as if he's angry because you're not chasing him this time. You're doing the right thing by stepping away from the relationship. His break-up, make-up- push-pull behaviour must be frustrating for you to deal with. D
upsetnhurt Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 You have done a great job healing yourself from your relationship with him. The next step is to remove yourself completely from the current situation you find yourself in. Something tells me that you are kidding yourself by stating that the only reason you have contact with him is because you hate seeing him hurt. You seem so worried about him, yet please realize that the more you communicate with him, the more you yourself are hurting him. Cutting off all contact might hurt him a bit now, yet it will allow him to get started on the healing process much more quickly and ultimately will allow him to find happiness again. I tend to think your current communication with him may very well be because you still are somewhat attached to him and still debating what you want in the future with him and thus like keeping any communication alive until you decide. Are you sure you are being honest with yourself about why you are still involved in this mess? Know that until you completely remove yourself from this situation you won't be able to give 100% of yourself towards any goals that you may have in the future. Best of luck.
Author chryssy83 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 I tend to think your current communication with him may very well be because you still are somewhat attached to him and still debating what you want in the future with him and thus like keeping any communication alive until you decide. Are you sure you are being honest with yourself about why you are still involved in this mess? I won't lie...I communicated with him in part because I was hoping he'd change his mind. I asked whether he was still sure this was the right decision, he said it wasn't a fair question but wouldn't answer. At one point, he even responded to the fact I had gone out with some friends to a bar with such surprise that I responded, well, what did you think I would be doing? And he said "you just don't seem as upset as I am--you seem fine." I said "Oh, I am NOT fine...but did you really think I would just sit in my apartment for a month and pine?" And he said (a tad hopefully, perhaps?) "Pine for what?" I just said "you know what. You made this choice." He IS insecure for sure. He does have fear of commitment issues, I think. I can't be in a relationship with him when I take my certification tests this semester/summer for my job because I can't count on him. That's not to mention the fact that apparently he's not willing to take any steps toward a relationship now. It was like he kept wanting me to say that's what I wanted. I don't know whether he wanted that to feel better and shoot me down, or if he wanted it because he really did think he had made a mistake. But my feeling was, if he wanted to be together he should get his ass to my front door, not just hint around about it on the phone! I don't think I believe there is only one right person out there for everyone. In terms of compatibility and attraction, I can't imagine a better fit for me than him. Part of me still wants him bad SO BAD, and part of me is scared for him because he's being completely irrational right now and it's not like him. Oh, and then there is the part of me that is furious with him for putting us in this position in the first place!!! Still no response from him--whatever he imagines I did must be pretty bad (or at least it is to him). But I guess the ball is in his court and I just have to keep trudging along. I am so unhappy with this whole situation, and now we're all iced in so I'll just be here thinking about it all weekend (thankfully with electricity so far, so I still have my beloved computer!!).
Author chryssy83 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 We're totally iced in here...and it just gives me so much time to think. Yes, I want him to be happy...but I wish so bad he could be happy with ME!!! Why would he break up with me and then have such a hard time with the end of the relationship? I wouldn't break up with someone unless I was ready to have them out of my life!
upsetnhurt Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 That is his problem entirely. Unfortunately in life one has to live and make due with the decisions they make. You just need to remember that he made a decision to live life without you and felt that at that time he would be happier in the long run doing so. That alone would be enough for me to walk away. How will you feel knowing that he would have rather invested time in meeting strangers than to have attempted to work out any issues with you. Won't you feel like you were his second choice and he is settling? I realize you are hurting, yet are you really hurting cause you think you lost the "one" or are you just sad because you hate the feeling of being alone at the moment?
Author chryssy83 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Honestly? I really really miss him. I'm not unhappy being alone, it's not that bad. I get to do whatever I want and I have more time to focus on myself, so it isn't so bad. But I miss him a ton. I miss talking to him and seeing him and thinking about him as mine. I miss being able to think about our future together. I don't know why he got all mad at me, and that hurts me a lot, too. It doesn't make sense that now I feel like I'm the one who broke up with him. If I thought there was a way we could work through this, I would definitely still want to...I don't understand how he's making me the bad guy here.
Author chryssy83 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 So today he sent me a text message wishing me good luck on a project I have today at school. The last email made it sound like he didn't want to talk ever again because I'm a bad person....can someone please tell me what he thinks he's doing?
DatingQuestions Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Men are confusing! Well, it just sounds like he still has feelings for you. He needs to get in touch with his own feelings first. I would say give him space and time so that he gets a good chance to think about what he wants. In the mean time, you should go on with your life and try to enjoy having 24 hours to yourself! I know it's hard when you miss someone, but just try to live one day at a time, and make that one day worthwhile!
Author chryssy83 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 I had a missed call from him yesterday. He didn't leave a message, and I didn't call back. I think I deserve an apology for the accusatory email before I'm interested in just chatting with him.....what do you all think?
Guest Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 IMO i think he's just trying to get you to react to the things he's doing and like what some of the others have said, he badly needs to sort out his thoughts and feelings.. But i think u r doing a very good job by not reacting strongly to his actions (the email, etc). He chose to break up with u so i think he has to deal with the consequences of his decisions.. The fact that the breakup was his choice must have hurt u a lot.. so i think you should really be focusing your thoughts on yourself and getting over this episode.. It's bad enough that he's chosen to break up with you and now u actually have to feel sorry for him hurting u in the first place.. Chryssy i feel that perhaps u should just tell him real honestly, that he needs to sort out his thoughts and emotions and until that is done, he shouldn't be calling you. And i know you know that is the way to go - NC (at least for a while). I know u are hoping that it's not over yet.. But you got to take control of the situation.. Ask yourself honestly what is it that you want at this stage.. make a decision and stick with it.. i promise you no matter what he does or says, it's not going to affect you much.. i'm not saying you can't care for him but you really got to put yourself in first place.. Because it's pretty obvious he doesn't know what he wants.. remember what he wants is beyond your control.. what YOU want IS NOT.. Sorry for the long post.. i've just got over a pretty bad breakup which dragged on for months.. NC, contact, NC again, contact again, emails, .. It was like a rollercoaster.. all because i had hopes for reconciliation when it was obvious things wouldn't work out even if we reconciled.. If i was decisive and stuck by my decision, i would have saved myself from a lot of tears.. Now that i'm out of it, i can see things from another perspective.. and i hope my perspective of your issue can help you. Stay strong Chryssy.
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