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Posted

I broke up with my ex a couple of days ago and just reflecting back on our nearly 2-year relationship.. something that he always used to say just boggles my mind... "you deserve better"... at the beginning of our relationship I could kind of understand why he was saying it, considering how he was in a though situation and didn't have much to offer. But recently he got a new job and things were going generally well for him... and even as he was trying to convince me that he still loves me and to be his friend and to not cut him off from my life.. he still stuttered that same phrase.. "you deserve better"... this time I wholeheartedly agreed.

 

What I'm wondering is why tell somebody "you deserve better".......instead of putting in the effort to give that person the best of you?? Why hold on to them with all you can and yet still have the "you deserve better but I'm not gonna try" mentality?? I mean my ex did have low self esteem.. but is that it?

Posted
I mean my ex did have low self esteem.. but is that it?

nope....this is just a line he's feeding you. I put this stmt in the same category as "Its not you, its me..."

Posted
What I'm wondering is why tell somebody "you deserve better".......instead of putting in the effort to give that person the best of you?? Why hold on to them with all you can and yet still have the "you deserve better but I'm not gonna try" mentality?? I mean my ex did have low self esteem.. but is that it?

 

I think it's a stupid, cheesy thing to say. It's a way to yank a complimentary protesting ego boost out of you, but it doesn't work. It's a self-esteem thing. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy. It's another way to say, "you're going to discover who I really am someday and then you'll break up with me." And that's pretty much how it works out.

Posted

Maybe because he knows he's given you his best and he also knows that it's not good enough.

Posted

well, sometimes its about ralizing u have hurt someone u love deeply and they did nothing to deserve that so telling them that simply means u are sorry and will not hurt them again and hope they find someone who treats them right. i am going thru this process right now, where, i have to do something i don't want to - but its best for her. sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go.

Posted

I agree with those that said it means he prob doesn't think he's good enough. I've heard it recently myself, and while it's nice of them to be so nice about how great we are and that we deserve someone just as great, it still sucks.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through a breakup, and hope you find strength soon.

Posted

re:

 

Princessa: " What does "you deserve better" mean? "

 

 

Princessa, you asked for opinions.

 

Your ex bf only wanted good things for you.

 

Some of them he probably knew would be a struggle to obtain for you.

 

But whatever it was he saw in you that made him fall in love with you, also caused him to see you in a light that made you worthy of wonderful things.

 

And those "things" were not necessarily *material* things, either; he was likely also referring to how he felt you should always be treated in a social, emotional, and a physical sense.

 

Princessa, I guess I could share a couple of examples of what your ex bf could have meant when he said, " You deserve better".

 

My own father said those words to my mother during tight money in their early years of marriage.

 

My uncle said those words to his wife in the first quiet moment after they found (together) that he had cancer because he knew she'd worry her ownself to death over him.

 

My cousin who carried on a year-and-a-half long affair with a woman 10 years his wife's junior said those words when he finally came to tell her that he was leaving her and wanted an end to their 15 year marriage.

 

Those words have different and specific meaning for each circumstance that prompts them and for every individual who utters them.

 

I hope this explaination is enough, as it's the best I can do with it, for now.

 

-Rio

Posted

I HAVE SOME EXAMPLES TOO:

 

my bros wife has a serious illness but didn't tell him and just left because she felt that she would be a burden when that was the last thing she would be

 

a friends gf left when they hit a rough patch and was pregnant and never told him about it because she told he wouldn't want to raise a child when that was the last thing he would say

 

my sis became addicted to herion and emotionally abused her bf and decided that she hurt him so much that it was best for her to move away

 

my father watched my mother packup and move away because she wanted to find out about life on her own and he gave her enuff cash to live whereever she wanted and told her she doesn't have to pay it back just to find the happiness she was searching for

 

i took a year off work and worked quietly in the shadows to help heal a good friend and once she was better i told her that her letting me do that made all the difference and then i disapeared and let her live her life

Posted

I think it means I cannot or, more likely, choose not to live up to your standards. I agree that it sounds like a whiney cop-out. Only in the movies would this be a romantic thing to say. And even then it's a bit smarmy.

Posted

I am sorry about your situation. My ex told me the same thing when he decided to break up with me; you are wonderful, very special, and deserve someone who can make you happy in the same way that you make me....

 

As many said above, it is nice for him to feel the way. It is certainly nicer than you ugly stupid bixxx, I should have someone better than you, kind comment.

 

I recall our first argument occasion. He said that he is not sure whether or not he can ever be a BF I want. I told him who you think I want. He could not answer, but clearly stated that he is not happy knowing that he dissapoints me and also does not like to be reminded his is not a good BF once a while. Although he wants me to be happy, he cannot or does not want to try anything for him to change to be with me. He would rather not change and not be with me...... As true for all human, he wants to be happy, too. He was not completely happy with me. That's my take.

Posted
I think it means I cannot or, more likely, choose not to live up to your standards.

Well put. The whole toilet seat thing is a major dilemma, though.

Although he wants me to be happy, he cannot or does not want to try anything for him to change to be with me. He would rather not change and not be with me...... As true for all human, he wants to be happy, too. He was not completely happy with me. That's my take.

That's very pretty thinking. I actually like it.

 

And finally (drum roll), it means you're screwed.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t109522/

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Posted
It's a self-esteem thing. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy. It's another way to say, "you're going to discover who I really am someday and then you'll break up with me." And that's pretty much how it works out.

 

I do believe in the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy. But I've also had some moments where I myself was afraid that I wasn't good enough, or that I would screw up, that I would be abandoned if a loved one discovered certain things about me. Nevertheless I had always forced myself to confront these fears. It's one thing to have a fear, but it's another one to let it take over and become a self-fulfilling prophecy...

 

I'm sorry that you're going through a breakup, and hope you find strength soon.

 

Thank you..

 

 

Princessa, you asked for opinions.

 

Your ex bf only wanted good things for you.

 

Some of them he probably knew would be a struggle to obtain for you.

 

But whatever it was he saw in you that made him fall in love with you, also caused him to see you in a light that made you worthy of wonderful things.

 

And those "things" were not necessarily *material* things, either; he was likely also referring to how he felt you should always be treated in a social, emotional, and a physical sense.

 

I agree with this. I have no doubt in my mind that he only wanted good things for me. Thanks for sharing these examples, I understand that it can mean many different things depending on the circumstances. I think the common denominator in all of these situations was that the man was somehow forced to put his woman in a bad situation that she didn't deserve to be in, because of something beyond his own control. It could be a sickness, financial troubles, or his own personal truth resurfacing through the realization that he belonged with somebody else.

 

I guess the question that I can't make peace with in this case then is what was that thing that was beyond my ex's control that made him powerless to providing me with the things he really thought I deserve.

 

I think it means I cannot or, more likely, choose not to live up to your standards.

 

These hit really close to home.. But if you know that you'd rather live your life a certain way, and that this will cause your woman to have less that what she deserves in your eyes, how can you still call that love? I thought love was supposed to be compromise and sharing? I thought love would make it unbearable to see your loved one being miserable? And even if you did try to meet your SO's expectations, and somewhat failed, "you deserve better" sounds like an excuse not to try anymore. I thought love didn't give up? Or am I delusional?

 

me and also does not like to be reminded his is not a good BF once a while. Although he wants me to be happy, he cannot or does not want to try anything for him to change to be with me. He would rather not change and not be with me...... As true for all human, he wants to be happy, too. He was not completely happy with me. That's my take.

 

You know your situation sounds like mine. My ex had major issues as well, and wasn't happy with himself as a person. He tried to change but all he saw in himself was failure. That was with regards to his life. I too, added some sort of pressure on him to be better.. better in the way he treated me. He did say that he was miserable being reminded of all of these expectaions of mine that he couldn't meet. And that's understandable. I can also understand people being miserable despite their efforts, and even snapping once in a while, but I guess I'm just too stubborn to be able to understand people who quit. Call me a dreamer but I think if there's one thing worth fighting for it should be love :o

Posted
You know your situation sounds like mine. My ex had major issues as well, and wasn't happy with himself as a person. He tried to change but all he saw in himself was failure. That was with regards to his life. I too, added some sort of pressure on him to be better.. better in the way he treated me. He did say that he was miserable being reminded of all of these expectaions of mine that he couldn't meet. And that's understandable. I can also understand people being miserable despite their efforts, and even snapping once in a while, but I guess I'm just too stubborn to be able to understand people who quit. Call me a dreamer but I think if there's one thing worth fighting for it should be love :o

Excellent post, princessa! I believe that,too. I feel that if more people spent time trying to communicate and work on their relationship problems, then relationships nowadays wouldn't be disposable.

 

The majority of advice I ever seem to get about me wanting to hang to the man that I love, is to walk away. I just don't agree with that idea. Sure, in some instances it's the only option. But, if there is still a ray of hope, then hang on to it! Call me a dreamer, too.

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Posted
Excellent post, princessa! I believe that,too. I feel that if more people spent time trying to communicate and work on their relationship problems, then relationships nowadays wouldn't be disposable.

 

The majority of advice I ever seem to get about me wanting to hang to the man that I love, is to walk away. I just don't agree with that idea. Sure, in some instances it's the only option. But, if there is still a ray of hope, then hang on to it! Call me a dreamer, too.

 

I do believe that you should work as hard as you can on the relationship, provided you trust that both your and you SO's intentions are sincere. But there also has to be a balance between not giving up and teaching him the way you want to be treated, which sometimes calls for us to walk out. Also sometimes there's an imbalance in the motivation between the partners, which sometimes calls for the most motivated partner to force themselves to sit back and do nothing in order to make the other person realize that they should be putting in effort as well. It gets hard to tell where you've done enough and where you've done so much that it was detrimental to the relationship.

Posted
I do believe that you should work as hard as you can on the relationship, provided you trust that both your and you SO's intentions are sincere. But there also has to be a balance between not giving up and teaching him the way you want to be treated, which sometimes calls for us to walk out. Also sometimes there's an imbalance in the motivation between the partners, which sometimes calls for the most motivated partner to force themselves to sit back and do nothing in order to make the other person realize that they should be putting in effort as well. It gets hard to tell where you've done enough and where you've done so much that it was detrimental to the relationship.

Exactly! All I am saying is that each relationship is different. Relationships are never just black and white. There are areas shaded with gray. I am just tired of all the quick advice to give up and incorporate NC.

Posted

my ex would also say that to me..he would also say "I don't deserve you" and I know he had no self esteem issues (at least for how long I knew him I didn't notice any 2 years) and it would piss me off when he would say that because I thought he was an amazing person and I was totally in love with him. He had a history of girls who had cheated on him and since then just started going out and getting laid and not looking for anything serious because he had developed trust issues and didn't think any woman was honest and stuff. Anyway, from reading some of the posts, I think it does depend on the relationship, individual, and what experiences they have been through. I also was a virgin when I met him and had never been in a relationship. He had slept with 8 girls or so and I started to think he began saying that because he wasn't a virgin and had more partners and stuff. I don't knowit can be very consfusing...but one poster who mentioned earlier something like..eventually you will break up with me or something...I found that to be true.

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