kitten chick Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I really need to talk to him. NC is not an option right now but I've taken a few days to gain some perspective. Seeing that he is such a dolt I'm sure he'll need more time. Do I wait for him to contact me? (which may never happen) or do I contact him? If I'm contacting him, how long should I wait?
magichands Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I really need to talk to him. How sweet.
kitten chick Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 How sweet. Thanks, I fancy myself a sweet one. I love it that you just get me.
the_total_package Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 You are only going to get emotional and say things over the phone, and he is not wanting a confrontation right now. He doesn't want to talk to you. Otherwise he would call you. he broke up with you essentially because he doesn't want to hear from you and doesn't want to spend time with you. If you contact him right now, you will only regret the results it has. Get over this guy and move on, he gave you closure when he said he wanted to break up. you saw the signs when you were with him, he wasn't giving you intimacy you needed, this can't be a total shock to you to learn that he really wasn't in love with you. He broke up with you, that hurts, but that doesn't make him a bad guy, just the wrong guy for you. So please....don't bother him right now. Closure really means you just want another excuse to see him and think you can win him over with some perfume and hot outfit, but it doesn't work. Over is over.
kitten chick Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Thank you for your, uh, honesty? I actually was shocked because intimacy was starting to develop in our relationship. He was opening up to me and spending more time with me since I first started posting. I didn't think he was in love with me, nor I him, but I thought we were heading in the right direction. I'm not trying to win him back, it's probably clearer to me than it is to him that we're not right for each other. I need someone who is much more self aware and in control of their reactions. And I most certainly didn't say he was a bad guy, I don't think he is. I think he's a good guy who is very confused and still has a lot of growing up to do. With that said, he was an important part of my life for a short time and I don't wish to see him just disappear with out us both coming to a resolution. I know why he broke up with me, he will come back to me eventually if he's not too embarassed by his behavior. I don't like to just end things without resolution, it's not how I work and it's not how any of my past relationships have ended. It may not be right for you or many others but it is for me. So I will talk to him at some point. Perhaps you are right in that now might not be the best time for me to contact him. Patience has never been my strong suit but I will try to be patient and wait a few weeks before I talk to him again.
the_total_package Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 broke up with you that he doesn't have feelings for you. A guy just doesn't say that for no reason.
kitten chick Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 well then enlighten me total package. i would love to hear why a guy says that. i'll hold the opinions of those who know him (and us together) in reserve until I hear what you have to say. by the way, I'll add that he had told me many times in the past that he had feelings for me and when he broke up with me and I asked him if he was lying he said very emphatically no of course not. He's confused and shut down because of disappointments in his life unrelated to me. That's why he believes he doesn't have feelings for me. He's shut down
the_total_package Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 he means it. At one time, when you were together, he probably did have feelings for you. I would possibly believe you if you hadn't earlier in the thread said he would go for days without you hearing from him, and when a guy is really into you, he calls at least once a day because he really wants to talk to you. And being busy is not an excuse if a guy is really into you. You know what book would be good for you for the next relationship? He's Just Not That Into You. I read it and it totally help me get over an ex, it was liberating and I was ready to move on and look forward to the next dating experience without continuing to make excuses for the guy breaking up with you. Cause when a guy breaks up with you...he's just not into you, that's one of the big rules. (it's written from a guy's point of view, too!)
kitten chick Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Oy, that book is horse*****. He was calling me every day and he told me he had feelings for me 2 days before he broke up with me. He told me himself that he didn't even decide that he wanted to break up until that day. It was a knee jerk reaction. I don't doubt that he thought he didn't have feelings for me that day and maybe he still does. Maybe something happened that made him feel that way like a conversation with a friend, I don't know. The one thing I do know is that everyone around us thought he was completely into me even when I had a hard time believing it myself. I know how he was with his past girlfriends and I know that he's more of a distant person. I think what he gave me was probably more than he's given most girls in his past. He's a sad and confused person and he is just emotionally unavailable to me and everyone else...he all but said that himself. I can't be with someone emotionally unavailable and that is why I think we shouldn't be together. I think that when he starts to unwind he's going to find himself being shut down a bit less and will start to feel differently about our relationship. That's what I think and that's what everyone who knows us thinks, including two friends who also happen to be therapists.
the_total_package Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 women in the book He's Just Not That Into You. They are always making excuses for the guy and trying to analyze his behavior after the fact. It's easier to move on and free yourself from this guy...who told you he didn't want to be with you. I had a guy breakup with me when I thought things were actually going a lot better. It turns out, he was really trying to make things work, but deep down he just didn't feel it and wanted to break up after those couple 'good' weeks. It was just his last ditch attempt to see if he felt anything and wanted to stay together. I think that could be what happened to you when you say he was starting to open up more and things were starting to get better. It's freeing to let go; if you keep making excuses for his behavior and feelings, you are prolonging the pain for yourself. I'm just trying to help!
kitten chick Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 ...It turns out, he was really trying to make things work, but deep down he just didn't feel it and wanted to break up after those couple 'good' weeks. It was just his last ditch attempt to see if he felt anything and wanted to stay together... Just out of curiosity, how do you know this? Well I appreciate your help, I don't particularly like to take my advice from pop culture books. But it certainly is possible that my guy was acting/feeling the same way as yours. Anything is possible. Life is a lot about how we perceive things. This is what I've been told by the people who professionally analyze people and relationships and this is what I choose to believe. I'm sure it's not 100% right but it's how I perceive things right now. I will let go eventually, the breakup was only a couple of days ago and it has barely even had time to sink in yet.
the_total_package Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 and NC could actually have the effect you want. He could realize, if you leave him alone, that he really DOES want you back and does love you.
mattea Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 hi kc, sorry things went the way they did. sounds like you are reeling from a very confusing turn of events and understandably so! i just wanted to say something on the NC thing. i know this isn't a completely comparable situation, but i had a guy change on me quite unexpectedly and i was really lacking closure. i say it's not comparable because i don't think you were as invested as i was, but i'm not going to go into all that. point is, everyone kept telling me NC! NC!, partially because they thought he'd been a big a** but also because they thought i would just get experience further hurt and reopen the wound. i went 4 months without talking to him and making myself CRAZY because it was soooo hard for me not to call him up and get some closure but everyone was saying DON'T DO IT! then i talked to my therapist, who told me i actually should do it if i felt i really needed to. it was so freeing to have someone tell me that was actually an ok option! mainly, i think i needed him to know how it had made me feel and just to hear what he had to say after some time had gone by. you know what happened after i talked to him? it did kind of stir things up for about a week or so, but then i felt this incredible relief and things got so much better for me and it was easier to let go. i knew i wouldn't want to be with him again anyway after what happened, but it really helped me to have a voice and just get some clarity. i do think it would be better if you waited a little while to give him some time to figure out what happened for him and be able to articulate that to you, as well as to be clear on what you might want to say to him. maybe after a little time has gone by you won't feel the same need for closure, but if you do then that's ok too. good luck and hang in there.
kitten chick Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Thank you mattea. I had a similar experience with my last ex. I wrote about it on LS. I really wish I had spoken to him sooner. I will speak to this ex at some point in the near future. I want him to be sorry or have reflected on it and if he has i will feel better about everything that i gave him. If he hasn't then i know that it was definitely the right thing to do, having the relationship end, because he is most definitely not mature or self aware enough for me. And if he tells me he cheated on me well then i will believe it! He sprung this on me, I didn't even get to react.
kitten chick Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I can't believe I'm writing this and I already know the responses I'll get (if anyone responds) but I still need to get it out. I don't understand how you can spend so much time with someone and then just drop them. I haven't heard from him and it's already been 2 weeks. I don't know why I'm surprised, he was crap about calling me when we were going out, why would he call me after he dumped me? I think I'm just too caring, I couldn't do that to someone. I need to learn not to give a crap about people. I just want to scream WHY HASN'T HE CALLED ME?!?!?!
Art_Critic Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I need to learn not to give a crap about people. I just want to scream WHY HASN'T HE CALLED ME?!?!?! You need to stop blaming yourself and stop carrying his weight in the breakup.. You have said before that you didn't love him and there wasn't much there.. You are only feeling despondent because he broke up with you and it hurts to have it happen that way.. no matter how much you know that it wasn't meant to be it still hurts just the same... Would you be feeling the same way if a week or two would've gone by and you dumped him ?
johan Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I just want to scream WHY HASN'T HE CALLED ME?!?!?! Hey, Kittenchick. This is what happens when people break up. It's not personal at this point. It's better this way, if you're really looking to let go. A call from him would be more cruel than anything else. Maybe you think that you didn't matter to him. You can't tell, and it's better not to think about it. If you really mattered to him, it might be difficult for him to call you. If you didn't really matter to him, he might be inclined to lead you on somehow, or he might not feel that much pain when he contacted you. I loved my ex immensely, and I could never bring myself to call her after we broke up. I think it would mess me up, and I'd rather just not do that to myself.
kitten chick Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I'm sure I would feel better if I dumped him but who wouldn't prefer to be the dumper instead of the dumpee. Part of what's bothering me is the lack of an "ending" even though I know it's over, it's just made it hard for me to really let go. Maybe it's better to let things just fade away, I don't know. It's been hard because I haven't been able to grieve. Another part of what's bothering me is that he clearly wasn't telling me the truth when he broke up with me and I want to know the truth. I think he made it clear that I didn't matter to him so I'm not really surprised that I haven't heard from him, I probably started thinking that I would because everyone that knew the two of us together thinks that he'll still come running back at some point. Like I said, he's big on feeling guilt and he seemed to be tremendously guilty about being a bad boyfriend (his words, not mine) and about leading me on...which I still think is weird because it was obviously a snap decision.
johan Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Hey, Kitten. It's important to remember how you felt when you first broke up. You felt it was for the better and you thought it wasn't working. You weren't satisfied with him, but he's the one who decided to end it. So it doesn't matter who did the breaking up. You'd feel the same. And knowing the truth or getting "closure" isn't going to make any difference to how you feel. All you need to focus on is that it wasn't right. You weren't going to stay with him. And if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you then the reasons don't matter. That's all you need to know. Don't turn this on yourself and think it was a flaw in you or something you did wrong. You were yourself, and your job is to find someone who wants that. Don't get hung up on someone who doesn't. The reason doesn't matter. Just hang in there, and do all the things you were doing before. The pain will go away and you'll meet someone else. If you drag yourself into depression over this, because that's just punishing an limiting yourself for no good reason.
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