dropdeadlegs Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I think I understand what you are feeling. Within a few months I would expect to be a bigger part of his life (meaning both time and details) but I tend to want to know very quickly if my time is well spent with a man. I'm not looking for marriage, but I am looking for a partner - someone to grow old with. In your position I would also be feeling some insecurity and anxiety. The fact that he is very busy with a demanding schedule now AND will be leaving the area for a year would bother me quite a bit. (When would I ever fit in to his schedule?) But I also don't think I would be a good candidate for a LDR and would want someone in my area. My BF once considered moving to the next county and I was like "oh, please, that's so far to drive!" I'm not saying it would have broken us up, but I admit I like the convenience of him living 12 minutes away! I don't have any advice. I just wanted you to know that someone possibly understands your feelings and fears. Good luck!
Art_Critic Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 If you are not happy with having him in your life then throw him back in the pond But if he makes a positive impact in your life then he should be a keeper..
kitten chick Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 thanks for the validation dropdeadlegs, that's how i'm feeling. I'm not looking for some serious kind of commitment but if I'm starting to develop feelings for someone then I want to know that they're not jerking me around. I talked to him before and I think he really had no idea that I wasn't completely happy. He said he felt blindsided and wanted to talk tomorrow. So we'll see what happens but he was talking in the past tense so I have a feeling he doesn't want to give me any more than he already has. We'll see.
kitten chick Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 We talked this morning. I don't even know where to start but our relationship is going at a snails pace which is probably really good for me. The only problem is I don't know how to take a relationship slowly. It's a struggle for me. I made it clear to him that a lot of this is coming from my issues and from me just being scared. I'm going to start seeing a therapist and he's sticking with me while I figure all of this out which I greatly appreciate and have let him know so. As far as throwing him back if I'm not happy with him in my life, well that doesn't really work for me. I don't know if it's me making me unhappy, him making me unhappy, or one of my other life problems making me unhappy.
blind_otter Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 As far as throwing him back if I'm not happy with him in my life, well that doesn't really work for me. I don't know if it's me making me unhappy, him making me unhappy, or one of my other life problems making me unhappy. If this is the situation, then it is probably best to wait until you've figured out the source of your unhappiness. I wish you all the best.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 As far as throwing him back if I'm not happy with him in my life, well that doesn't really work for me. I don't know if it's me making me unhappy, him making me unhappy, or one of my other life problems making me unhappy. Talking to the therapist will help with that. All I can tell ya about the rest - Be honest. Don't hold back. There's no reason not to communicate ALL your thoughts and feelings. That is what relationships are about, serious or not. It does sound like he likes you, so I say GO for it and see where it goes. I suggest this though, put yourself first. Don't always just think of him...Keep your life busy too, that way you're not just relying on him. Don't expect TOO much, that way you won't be disappointed...
kitten chick Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Thank you B_O and WWIU. I actually do keep busy, most of my down time sadly is at the office. I'm not good at talking about my feelings and I'm even worse when I'm confused about how I'm feeling, like right now.
kitten chick Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Just thought I would come back to give an update. Things are going well with my bf and I. I did see the therapist and she said that she sees this all the time. The man isn't really committing so the woman holds back until it ends up in an emotional freakout. It seems to be likened to the freakout a man will have when the woman wants him to commit and he's not ready. (I know there is a gender bias here and it could happen the other way around.) Oh she also seemed to think that I was going to need to do a lot of teaching to show him how to be in a mature relationship. No idea how to do that. It's still tough for me to deal with the lack of attention from him, sometimes I won't hear from him for days. It keeps me distanced emotionally (good or bad thing, i don't know) but I have a very full life so I've had no problem keeping busy. He's a good guy and I have a great time with him so I'm just going to try to be patient and take the time he can give me for now.
Art_Critic Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Things are going well with my bf and I. He's a good guy and I have a great time with him so I'm just going to try to be patient and take the time he can give me for now. Super !.. Training him.. that should come natural once he steps in with both feet..and that will happen..
kitten chick Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I guess this is my final update. My boyfriend broke up with me two days ago. I can honestly say that I did everything right and this is a case of him not having the maturity to understand and process his feelings and emotions. I actually feel kinda sad for him but it just shows me that he's not the right person for me. Everything had been going great, I met his friends, we were spending a lot of time together, he was finally opening up to me...and then this just came out of nowhere, he told me he had just decided it on his way to see me but everything before that was ok. He said some not so nice things to me but it's definitely over. I'm sad right now but it's for the best.
kitten chick Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Thanks TB. I would say it's his loss too.
Pyro Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 I guess this is my final update. My boyfriend broke up with me two days ago. I can honestly say that I did everything right and this is a case of him not having the maturity to understand and process his feelings and emotions. I actually feel kinda sad for him but it just shows me that he's not the right person for me. Everything had been going great, I met his friends, we were spending a lot of time together, he was finally opening up to me...and then this just came out of nowhere, he told me he had just decided it on his way to see me but everything before that was ok. He said some not so nice things to me but it's definitely over. I'm sad right now but it's for the best. His loss indeed. I am glad to hear that you are dealing with this break-up better than you have in past break-ups. Hang in there, you'll be fine.
kitten chick Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 Thank you Riddler. I think I'm handling it normally. I'm sad and disappointed but I have my head on straight. I just need some time to get over it and move on to the next douchebag
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 In this case it really was HIM and not you. You didn't do anything wrong, and it's good and healthy that you recognize that. And, you're not blaming yourself wondering "WTF did I do wrong, why isn't he into me...." Yup, I agree, HIS loss. Hopefully the next one won't be a douchebag!
kitten chick Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 Thank you WWIU. It's just the hurtful things that he said when he broke up with me that are sticking with me and yet I still miss him. Kinda messed up. I'm a nice, caring, giving woman and I haven't learned to be a b!tch so of course the next one will be a douchebag
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 You don't have to become a bitch, just raise your standards and not put up with certain types of behaviour, that's all. Being firm and standing your ground isn't being a bitch. He probably said those awful things to you to make HIMSELF feel better. They aren't true so don't let any of what he said matter to you.
magichands Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 They aren't true so don't let any of what he said matter to you. They might contain an element of truth. Only kitten chick knows whether to ascribe any weight to such comments. I think the biggest mistake one can make is to fall for the "It's not me, it's you" syndrome. There are almost certainly issues on both sides. The thing you can both agree on, is that you were not meant to be together.
kitten chick Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 Well he didn't criticize me at all but he said he didn't have feelings for me and couldn't have feelings for me or anyone else (BS) but he wished he could. He told me that he thought we had differences that would be a problem in the future. He said he didn't care if he hurt me but then he retracted that. He said he feels like he pushed me into a relationship that he wasn't capable of. And some other things that I'll leave out but that was the gist of it. The kid couldn't even look me in the eye when he said it. I think he was full of it. I don't think he understands himself at all but it does hurt to think that I gave so much of myself to someone who didn't care about me and was just using me. I don't know how much of it is true or not but it is what it is. It certainly didn't help my trust issues but I do have more confidence in myself. I didn't fall for any "it's not me it's you" syndrome and I don't think there are issues on both sides but we aren't meant to be together, at least not now or any time in the near future.
kitten chick Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I think I still need some closure from him because it was so abrupt. I'm going out with my friends tonight but I'm still thinking of him and doubt i'll be much fun. I don't know when I should contact him with my thoughts and I don't know if I'm just setting myself up for disappointment.
tanbark813 Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 NC all the way, KC. Pick up some hot dude tonight and mount him.
kitten chick Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I don't want to do either My friends are making me get out of bed and I don't want to do that either. It's always harder at night.
johan Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Go out with your friends! It won't hurt you. You don't have to enjoy it, but give it a try. A distraction will do you some good. Your friends are doing the right thing. Don't make the same mistake I make and isolate yourself. And this guy might not have had what it takes, but some guy will. This is just a bump in the road.
kitten chick Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 No I know, I have to go out. They're expecting me. I do have great friends. I'm just feeling it right now. It happened so abruptly and he just disappeared so it's sinking in very slowly and hitting me in fits and spurts. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much and feel so empty. And I do really want to talk to him at some point. I'm a huge proponent of NC but I'm not at the point where I want to start that. I still need some closure from him. I'm sorry that you're feeling so alone Johan, you certainly have friends here. did any of that even make sense? ok i'm talking out of my arse now, i should go get some wine or whine or both. whatever makes me feel better.
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