kitten chick Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Hi all...I've been dating someone for a few months now. I think he's a great guy and I always have a great time with him. He's everything that I've been looking for. My friends have all tried to give me advice but I'm not really getting enough to make a decision on what to do. My problem is that I feel a lack of intimacy in our relationship. Part of me thinks that I'm just being impatient and I need to give it time and part of me thinks that it's silly for me to wait for things to change. We don't get to spend a lot of time together because he's in a university program that's very demanding, but it's in my city so it's not long distance. I've also never met his friends but they mostly live far away. When I talk to him I never get details on what he's doing and I want to know not because I need to keep tabs on him but because I'm interested in his life and want to be a part of it. He's also not great about serious conversations nor is he great about talking on the phone. I just feel like he's not "with me" and it's an empty feeling. So I'm torn as to whether I wait for this great guy to take his wall down and let me in or to cut my losses and move on. Any advice would be appreciated.
amaysngrace Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 So that's where you been? Devoting all your time to an emotionally avoidant man huh? I have no advice to offer. Just wanted to say hey.
norajane Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 True intimacy takes a long time to develop into its full potential. If your bf is busy and stressed and you don't see each other often, it will take longer. If he's a private person to begin with, it will take even longer. If you're only a few months into the relationship, you're really at the getting-to-know you stage. And what you're discovering is this guy isn't one of those guys that bares all right away, nor does he become super-involved quickly (often a blessing - the ones that are involved really fast can either become uninvolved really fast, or they can be needy, clingy guys). I'd say if you like him and he likes you, and you enjoy each other, then give it some more time.
kitten chick Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 hi amaysngrace, nah i just needed a good long break from LS. I'll try to stop in sometimes though. thanks norajane. I think you were right about everything. He's a private person, he's busy and stressed and actually one of the things he likes about me is that when he's stressed I give him whatever space he needs. I also have a pretty full life myself and keep fairly busy. It is still a new relationship and I agree that in my past experience the guys that move too fast don't really make the greatest boyfriend material. So it seems like you're on the "put your patience on" side of the fence. I definitely appreciate your thoughts. Thank you
kitten chick Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Thanks Numbnuts! Yeah miss nj is pretty smart huh? So that's 2 for putting my patience pants on. One thing I forgot to mention which puts a bit of a kink in things, at the end of this year he's leaving the area but only for a year and then coming back. I think I feel a bit of pressure to have moved along enough by that time.
Pyro Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Holy crap. How are you KC? Norajane took the words out of my mouth.
kitten chick Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 3 for patience pants. I'm feeling a pattern develop. Ok so I feel a little more confident in staying and waiting for things to improve. Hi Riddler, I was expecting an "I told you so" I'm doing good
Pyro Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 3 for patience pants. I'm feeling a pattern develop. Ok so I feel a little more confident in staying and waiting for things to improve. Hi Riddler, I was expecting an "I told you so" I'm doing good Oh come on, do you really think that I am the type to rub it in your face? I am just glad to see you on here again. I was wondering about you. I hope that you are back to stay. BTW, told you so.
allina Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I don't know......... You say he gives you an "empty feeling" I think that's a little more than intimacy not yet developing. It's understandable that he is busy with his goals but I think that a few months in he could make up for his lack of time in other areas, which he doesn't seem to be doing. Maybe I'm just too demanding and paranoid but I'd be a little confused as well.
kitten chick Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 thanks allina...i think that while everyone else here has an opinion that matches where my head is, you're kind of hitting on how I'm "feeling". I'm a really paranoid person and I'm quick to react, that's why I question what I'm feeling and am trying to follow my head a bit. Following my heart hasn't taken me to great places in the past. I think he could be making up for it in other areas and he has done some nice things for me and he's very affectionate. He tries to be understanding and I think he tries to make some changes when I ask for them. He seems to be concerned about my happiness. For me, that is a rare find. So it's not like he isn't doing anything, I just don't know if it's enough.
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Hey KC!!!!! My sunshine! Just go with the flow with this guy. It sounds like you have a comfy thing going on and neither of you are in a rush to make it too serious. Enjoy your time with him and let whatever happens, happen as it will. Sometimes life gets in the way but always make sure YOU feel respected and liked by him. Don't be afraid to communicate with him...
allina Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 thanks allina...i think that while everyone else here has an opinion that matches where my head is, you're kind of hitting on how I'm "feeling". I'm a really paranoid person and I'm quick to react, that's why I question what I'm feeling and am trying to follow my head a bit. Following my heart hasn't taken me to great places in the past. I think he could be making up for it in other areas and he has done some nice things for me and he's very affectionate. He tries to be understanding and I think he tries to make some changes when I ask for them. He seems to be concerned about my happiness. For me, that is a rare find. So it's not like he isn't doing anything, I just don't know if it's enough. I'm glad you found someone that treats you well KC I think things will go well as long as he is infact active in this relationship and you feel more happiness than doubt and paranoia.
kitten chick Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Eh Ok so he called me tonight, when he said he would. The conversation started out great, he was telling me about his work and school and other things going on in his life, in detail! As we were about to hang up he said i sounded upset and was everything ok. So I TRIED to tell him what I was feeling but I'm crap at expressing my feelings. I even write everything down before I speak about them and I'm still not any good at it. There was just a lot of stammering. I tried to get across the point that i want him to let me in and that i'm trying and this relationship is just not what i'm used to so i'm learning. He seemed to think that was a bad thing so i tried to explain that it's not bad or good i'm just learning. i think that everytime i pull this kind of stuff it worries him and i think it drives him away, i think. I don't know, it's all so confusing. And thank you WWIU for your advice *hugs*
norajane Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Yup, learning. Just tell him you're not so great at relationships and are still a work in progress, as most of us are. Tell him you'll do your best if he will.
johan Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Hello, stranger! I can see this both ways. It could be your insecurities and expectations causing you to question and wonder needlessly. Or it could be that you're picking up on a lack of enthusiasm on his part. I think the best thing to do is give it time and try to relax. Try not to over-commit your own emotions to the relationship until you feel sure you know his feelings. I don't think it's a bad idea to find a way to communicate how you're feeling with him. You might as well start figuring out what goes on in his head, and he might as well find out what goes on in yours. You're going to have to sooner or later. At some point you'll know what the right thing to do is. I hope to see you post that you've found real happiness with the guy.
kitten chick Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Thanks norajane, I think that is something I've said to him many times but it might help to reiterate it to him. Hi Johan Thanks for your advice. You're definitely right, i'm sure I need to relax and just go with the flow a little bit more. I think that he's about as enthusiastic as someone in who is under the amount of stress that he's under can be. And believe me, if I can find happiness with someone, ANYONE can. I'm hoping this goes in the happy direction too, thanks for your best wishes. Really, I should be thrilled that there's someone willing to see past all of my baggage from my last few relationships and put up with my anxiety and insecurity (not that he doesn't have his own). I'm going to make a better effort to just relax and keep trying to talk to him about things when they come up. I'm feeling a lot better about things today I'm sure in large part to the advice from all of you here. Thanks for everything and I'll let y'all know how things turn out
blind_otter Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I have no advice. I think you're on the right track. Just wanted to say Hi!!
kitten chick Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 thanks blind otter hope you're doing well
magichands Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Just wanted to say Hi!! You could have at least put it in italics.
kitten chick Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Alright so I'm trying not to rush things. We had a great time together this weekend but we didn't even spend 24 hours together. We were supposed to get together tomorrow after work just for dinner and then again this upcoming weekend. He called earlier saying that he was sorry but he wasn't going to be able to make it tomorrow night, just this weekend. He thought it would be too difficult for him schedule-wise. I understand I know his schedule is tough right now so I understand but it's really difficult for me to have this kind of a relationship. How do I talk to him about this without it feeling like I'm pressuring him to see me more often? If he can't see me more often what can we do for the relationship to develop further?...or will it always be casual? Because I 'm starting to develop strong feelings for him and, well, it's kinda scary especially seeing as I didn't want a boyfriend in the first place.
Art_Critic Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 How do I talk to him about this without it feeling like I'm pressuring him to see me more often? If he can't see me more often what can we do for the relationship to develop further?... I might not make the consensus here but I think that if you are in a relationship where you are only dating each other then you should just be able to have the talk with him. If you want to see him more then tell him.. maybe tell him how much you need him in your life. If you cannot speak up now with your simple needs ( yes that is what seeing someone more is ) then what will happen 2 years down the road when the big stuff hits ? If he can't come up with the time to give more of himself to you now then you either have to accept it and hope for the best and hope that he is being sincere or let him know what your needs are and see if he will meet them.. if he won't then look else where.. Personally you should have a nice sit down face to face talk with him at a time where you are feeling close to him.. not at a time where you are feeling pushed away. Snuggle up with him and let it rip... Just my 2 pennies.. for what they are worth... Also.. You need to remember that it is also YOUR relationship and not just his..If he isn't up for that then you have your answer.. Good to see you posting KC... LS isn't the same without you
kitten chick Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Thanks for your input. I guess it just keeps bringing me back to the same question, stay and see if it gets better or cut my losses now? I don't know the answer and I know that nobody else can give me the answer. I just don't know if it's possible at all that things will get better.
Porn_Guy Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Thanks for your input. I guess it just keeps bringing me back to the same question, stay and see if it gets better or cut my losses now? I don't know the answer and I know that nobody else can give me the answer. I just don't know if it's possible at all that things will get better. generally, KC, when you are even asking the question above the best recourse is to "cut and run" (as the bush admin says ) relationships of any kind either get better and move fwd over time or they get worse over time.
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