Guest Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I found out my BF/Fiance was talking on the phone for over 17 hours last month and about 100 texts with this girl, that come to find out is married. He works with her, and he insists that they became friends and really hit it off, but nothing physical ever happened. I don't know if I believe it or not, I want too. He does admit to it being highly inappropriate becoming so attached to someone other than me, and they are not talking on the phone anymore. This I know. Its all very stressful and I don't know what to believe. Well this girl is married and her husband doesn't even know about this 'friendship.' Should I tell him? I don't know him, or even who he is, but if I could find out, would you? I just feel so angry about this, and want to lash out!
Sup Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Yes, you should tell her husband, for all you know, they've been having sex. Of course your boyfriend's gonna say we're not sleeping together, "It's just friends" PLEEASE!
Wantingtogetitright Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Do not tell her or her husband it is NONE of your business. Concentrate on your own relationship. Do you trust what he is telling you? If not end it. No trust no relationship. If you do trust he is being honest, discuss it more, find out why it happened, what was missing in yiur relationship that this happened etc etc.
bklk1227 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Could be because my wife just did the same thing to me but I think both parties in an affair, whether physical or emotional, should know that there are consequences for what they are doing. In my case the OM didn't have a g/f or W but he did live home with his parents... So his mom got a call. Make sure your H cuts off ALL contact with her. Good Luck... B
norajane Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Affairs thrive in secrecy, so if you expose her to her husband, it's likely he'll also have some things to discuss with her and will likely keep his eye on her. But if you do it, be prepared for your bf/fiancee - which is it, bf or fiancee? - to get really angry with you do for doing so.
bklk1227 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Good point Norajane... You BF will not take it very well when/if you expose the affair. My marriage is much worse now and heading for divorce since I exposed to more people than just the two of them...
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Do not tell her or her husband it is NONE of your business. Concentrate on your own relationship. Do you trust what he is telling you? If not end it. No trust no relationship. If you do trust he is being honest, discuss it more, find out why it happened, what was missing in yiur relationship that this happened etc etc. How is it NONE of her business? Her soon to be husband is CHEATING on her with another woman who is married. Most betrayed spouses (even those who aren't married yet do this) usually tell the spouse of the cheater too. It stops the affair! By exposing it, they have less chance of continuing the affair.
Curmudgeon Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 By exposing it, they have less chance of continuing the affair. But to what end? Would you really want the "cheater" after all? I say, "Butt out!" The spouse may have already figured it out like you did anyway. Just drop the cheater and get on with your life.
Fun2BMe Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 You're not obligated to tell her husband, but if you were in his shoes, wouldn't you want to be told if your spouse was sending 100 texts and talking on the phone for 17 hours with another person who was attracted to them? It's kind of like when you see a driver without their headlights on, you signal to them to turn it on out of courtesy even though you don't have to, you don't want to leave them in the dark.
Wantingtogetitright Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 How is it NONE of her business? Her soon to be husband is CHEATING on her with another woman who is married. Most betrayed spouses (even those who aren't married yet do this) usually tell the spouse of the cheater too. It stops the affair! By exposing it, they have less chance of continuing the affair. her business is the two of them. exposure should not be what ends the affair or lessens the chance of it continuing, it is his realising what he has and wanting that more than anything else and doing all he can to make up for his infidfelity and for her to forgive him and for the 2 of them to work on their own relationship to get it right and ensure nothing like this will ever happen again. If they aren't going to work it out then it is just her lashing out and hurting other peopek as she is hurt. If the woman is a serial cheater then her husband will find out eventually, maybe her husband cheats onher too, maybe they have an open marriage, who knows, whichever way other peoples relationships are nobody elses business but theirs.
Lostgurl Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Do you trust what your fiancee is saying is the complete and honest truth? I don't even talk on the phone with my best female friend for 17 hrs a month. There is obviously an attraction here. What will happen after the two of you marry? If this issue is indeed reslolved one way or another? Can you trust him? That in MO, Is the bottom line. It will eat you up inside if there isn't any trust especially after this incident.
Woggle Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Be prepared for her husband to get very angry with your fiance. remember to tell him not to do anything stupid in the heat of anger. Both you and her husband should dump the cheaters.
SarahAnn Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I would suggest telling her husband. There is no reason to keep a relationship or friendship with someone of the opposite sex from your partner unless there is something inappropriate going on. Exposure if the best way to make sure your fiance doesn't do this again (if you choose to stay with him). He needs to know there are consequences for his actions and the married woman he was talking with needs to know this as well. I know some people say its none of your business but it became your business when the MW and your fiance decided to sneak around and hide their contact from you and her husband. Also if I were the husband I would want to know.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I disagree that it is none of your business. ANYONE who directly or indirectly acts or makes any decisions that in ANYWAY affect my life just became my business. I would consider myself lucky that I this happened before you married him. I would tell the husband or provide a way for him to find out. You can always do it anonymously.
luvtoto Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I still remember the morning when I got that phone call. It was the OW's husband. That's how I was informed that my bf was cheating on me with his wife. He told me that they work together and have been cheating for six months or so. He also told me that this past weekend, they went away together. I thought my x was spending the weekend at his mom's house. I was completely in the dark during their entire affair! Thank God for the OW's husband telling me about it. I am sure it was part revenge on his part, but I didn't care. At least I knew the truth.
typical Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 It's kind of like when you see a driver without their headlights on, you signal to them to turn it on out of courtesy even though you don't have to, you don't want to leave them in the dark. I liked that analogy. OF COURSE you should tell the husband. Think of it as part of human consideration. And if someone doesnt like it, then F*** them. They should have thought about that before they came messing around in your life. Of course, I would do it as tactfully as possible. And if you still cant bring yourself to do it, write a note and mail it.
luvtoto Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 To this day, I am still friends with the OW's husband that called me. He was a great guy. I feel it would have been wrong of him to keep that information to himself, for whatever reason. Let me tell you though, I didn't believe his information at first when he called. I thought he was lying or mis-informed. I almost immediately hated him. Later that day, my bf confirmed the whole affair. There was no denying it.
Kinger25 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I think if I were in your situation I would tell the Husband. Having said that thought, you dont know whether they actually had sex or not so its difficult to define to her H exactly what was going on. Its a bit of a risk to be honest because he might already know that his W talks to your F and he might be fine with it. You might ring him and expose it and make yourself look like a fool when he turns round to you and says "yeah I know they talk. Whats the big deal?" On the other hand, he may blow his fuse and you never quite know what sort of person you are dealing with. Diffiuclt. How do YOU feel about the whole thing? Do you feel as though it were an affair? I know that I would be really hurt / angry if it were my BF. I think you need to discuss things with your F first before you do something that you may later regret. See if you can get to the root of all of this with your F and work out exactly what went on, why he did it and where you go from here. THAT would be my priority if I were in your shoes. If you still dont feel satisfied after you talk to him then yes, I would consider informing OW's Husband
Craig Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I think that in order to free yourself from the bonds of secrecy you need to tell her husband--his reaction, whatever it is doesn't matter. My point is that right now you are a prisoner of your bf's secret. For your own sake and your own future you need to gather the strength to show yourself and other people that you will not waste your emotional energy on matters like this. It may be difficult to bring yourself to make the call but I think you will be better off if you do. Your bf may be angry but for what? Not for his inappropriate contact with a married woman but for being found out and exposed. Not your problem. On the other hand what if you just let it slide? Well, you'll carry doubt with you for the rest of your time with your bf. He may tell a good story but the doubt will be there and that doubt will definitely reduce your enjoyment of the relationship. If honesty in the relationship is what you seek and I'm sure both you and your bf would say "yes that is what we seek" then there is nothing wrong with telling the husband of his friend of your concerns. After all if they are doing nothing wrong then there is nothing to hide...
Romeo Must Die Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 As far as funny things WS say, I think the OW is married line (excuses they give us) is so cliche at this point that I'm thinking, we should collect all of them and write a book! We'll call it WS Stupid Pet Tricks or WS Translated to English. You know we could be filthy rich right now. lol As one might already guess, OW's not exactly a sweet little Tweety Bird. They tell the OW they made a mistake marrying BW. Being married is an big inconvinience for some people (WS). An inconvinience. right, or more to the point, "for the love of god, will you just possibly TRY to put up SOME kind of an effort and try to remember you are married and keep your pants on." thats the mistake. Am I making it inconvinient for you? lol. Its real inconvinient for me too, being married to a cheater. Sheesh.
Sand&Water Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 RE: Guest, Your situation falls under The Good Samaritan Category. Thereafter, the propagating question becomes: What does it mean to be a Good Samaritan? Act as a Good Samaritan only to shelter your own relationship? OR Act as a Good Samaritan in the hopes of announcing the affair and salvaging the other party's relationship? The Good Samaritan is often, understated. The concept becomes dilute in the midst of the moment, and sadly, even the strongest people have difficulty upholding the act. The main focus of attention is not on your relationship. It is on the break-out. Entail, and without making a ruckus, you have the right to tell the other man. I believe you should tell her husband. He deserves to know what is happening, and you being as a voice, can somehow offer salvation on both his and your part. From that point forward, keep your BF/Fiance on a short string. Let him cut all contact, and IF he doesn't cooperate, then walk away. Sand&Water
RecordProducer Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 For all I know, her husband is cheating on her and treats her like crap. You don't know her situation at home and don't stick your nose inot it. Don't be vindictive. It's your BF who hurt you, not her. If she had this type of relationship with someone else, you certainly wouldn't call her husband. But it became personal when she did it with your own BF. If you can't stand the pain, ditch the BF. He is 100% to blame. She may be replaced by another one tomorrow, but he is the one who owed fidelity to you and betrayed you. I believe they didn't have sex. Many EA don't end up in bed. Many people involved in EA consider themselves faithful and wouldn't cross the boundaries of it and take it to the next level. Either break up or work it out. Her husband will probably not be so hurt by the EA, as long as it ended. Men just don't seem to consider it cheating like us women. My husband saw an email of a male friend of mine where he sent me "wet kisses" and didn't even comment it. He said many times that he trusts me and as long as somebody's penis doesn't enter my vagina or hand or mouth, I can flirt with guys all I want. So by contacting him, you will only humiliate yourself and turn up as the bad guy.
UsedtaLoveher Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 It is none of your business. You don't even know the specifics. If you feel compelled to alert this person make sure it is because you are positive this person would want to be alerted, and at that, only after you are sure it is more than phone calls and texts.
Fun2BMe Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 It is none of your business. You don't even know the specifics. If you feel compelled to alert this person make sure it is because you are positive this person would want to be alerted, and at that, only after you are sure it is more than phone calls and texts. If you think texts and phone calls are not a big deal, then why the fuss over not telling her husband? Why set the bar at "sex is worth telling" but anything less than sex is not worth telling, when most spouses including the OP would have a problem even with the amount of texts and calls done in secrecy, proving they have something worth hiding. The husband can respond by: "I don't care." (least likely) ........................................."I've been suspecting something was up, thanks for bringing this to my attention, what else do you know? She had cheated on me before and promised not to do it again, and here she goes behind my back flirting with someone else again" ........................................."I found out about it too but didn't think I should tell you (or didn't know if he had a SO). ........................................."I also have evidence that they have had sex, I read some of their texts that exposed this fact. I don't know if I can trust her again and if I should file for divorce" The point is, that the OP can "mind her own business" by burrying her head in the sand, or contact the husband to be better informed by whatever additional information he is able to provide her with, instead of relying on only what her bf who was dishonestly keeping this from her, chooses to reveal to her. Regardless of doing a favor and good deed to the husband, she should take steps to get more information from him, at the risk of whatever it costs his marriage. Too bad his wife was doing something outside the limits of acceptable boundaries, but it isn't the OP's job to keep the other person's marriage together at the cost of choosing to keep herself in the dark and going by what her lying fiance feeds her with.
RecordProducer Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 The point is, that the OP can "mind her own business" by burrying her head in the sand, or contact the husband to be better informed by whatever additional information he is able to provide her with, instead of relying on only what her bf who was dishonestly keeping this from her, chooses to reveal to her. Regardless of doing a favor and good deed to the husband, she should take steps to get more information from him, at the risk of whatever it costs his marriage. Too bad his wife was doing something outside the limits of acceptable boundaries, but it isn't the OP's job to keep the other person's marriage together at the cost of choosing to keep herself in the dark and going by what her lying fiance feeds her with. How would you feel if someone told your BF things that you don't want him to know? Do you maintain this attitude at any cost?
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