erika2610 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 :mad: Why didn' tyou guy's say that in the first place?!?! Nevermind my previous post. Disregard. THe bigger picture is he's married and you AREN"T going to get what you want as long you stay with him. I don't even know what to say... THat was underhanded and sneaky Marielle. You should've stated that he's your MM up front. Not made it seem like you were both fighting for a future together and some small things were getting miscommunicated. You are short-sighted and narrow minded. YOU HAVE NO FUTURE with him. YOU are NOT his priority in life. Either accept it, or find someone who can make you numero uno in their life. Your "relationship" is doomed no matter what you do. Talk, don't talk.. doesn't matter. I knew. I didn't say anything, because I was waiting for her to at some point, hopefully. And I also had a feeling that if I did, it would turn into what the OW forum has turned into. I didn't know at first though, I thought she maybe just had a boyfriend as well as her MM. I don't think that's the case though.
Sevenmack Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Since, as it turns out, that he's married and you're merely his paramour, you don't really deserve much in the way of time. He's using you and in all honesty, is probably done with you. You're sleeping with someone that's never going to be committed to you and quite likely, isn't even fulfilling his committments to his wife. To put it bluntly: You get what you deserve.
littlekitty Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I knew. I didn't say anything, because I was waiting for her to at some point, hopefully. And I also had a feeling that if I did, it would turn into what the OW forum has turned into. I didn't know at first though, I thought she maybe just had a boyfriend as well as her MM. I don't think that's the case though. That was considerate of you Erika. But I think it's only fair to have the whole 'real' picture when you're trying to give someone advice. Sure hold back some things if you must, but calling him a boyfriend when he's really a MM is withholding information that completely changes the picture, and the advice she should receive. No one has to bitch her out.... it just changes the advice and opinions we should offer.
Walk Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 He's not necessarily doing it so it can be a benefit to his partner in the future, he's doing it because the act of overcoming the challenge drives him. If she is only supporting him because she sees a potential benefit to her in the future, then I suggest a re-think. The benefit should be that her man is happy fulfilling his ambitions and she is there for him I thought about what you said, and I realized I don't agree with it. Not sure if you'll check this thread again, but I'd love to discuss this with you if you do. I understand that a person should be striving to better their partner's life in order to help the person be happier and feel more fulfilled... but isn't there always a "me" aspect in that? Just for the sake of discussion... my bf's supporting me in finishing my college career. This was my "dream" and I feel it'll make me a better person in the future. However, right now, I'm preoccupied, stressed out, limited time to interact with my bf and I'm usually too tired to want to have indepth discussions about things he enjoys. I am less available for him. He receives less by me going to college. His reward for helping me is that I can receive a higher income to contribute toward the relationship, I'll be happier and feel more satisfied in life, and I can hopefully find a position I will enjoy more often than not. Creating a better time together in the future. Now.. if he felt that I would break up with him after graduation... Would he continue to fight so hard to ensure I meet my goal if he has no prospect for reward later? Should I expect my SO to give unconditionally so that *I* can get what I want? Would you bust ass over the course of many years to ensure a person was happy if you didn't get anything out of it? I'm feeling like crap now... 'cause I really don't think I would. I don't want anything huge in return, not wads of cash, or expensive items... but I do expect some appreciation, and to reap the benefits of a happier SO in the future. I expect something in return... maybe that makes me a bad person. But I tried the whole martyr thing.. and I ended up bitter and resentful. What's your opinon on this?
erika2610 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 That was considerate of you Erika. But I think it's only fair to have the whole 'real' picture when you're trying to give someone advice. Sure hold back some things if you must, but calling him a boyfriend when he's really a MM is withholding information that completely changes the picture, and the advice she should receive. No one has to bitch her out.... it just changes the advice and opinions we should offer. Oh I totally understand. Like I said, I was just hoping at some point she would say her 'boyfriend' was actually a MM. I don't know why she didn't state it in the first place. Maybe she was just afraid she would get jumped on, as people have been going at each other in the OW forum.
littlekitty Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Oh I totally understand. Like I said, I was just hoping at some point she would say her 'boyfriend' was actually a MM. I don't know why she didn't state it in the first place. Maybe she was just afraid she would get jumped on, as people have been going at each other in the OW forum. Yeah it seems to get awful b*tchy in there...! I don't tend to visit too often... don't like the atmosphere!!
erika2610 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Yeah it seems to get awful b*tchy in there...! I don't tend to visit too often... don't like the atmosphere!! Just a tad b*tchy. Posters stalk other posters, just to pick fights with em. Fun is. So I can see why somebody who posts in that forum, and sees the nastiness that goes on, even gets caught up in it sometimes, would be hesitant to say she was an OW outside of that forum, ya know? Not that I'm defending her totally about not being 100% truthful in her original post. Just that I can see why maybe she wouldn't. If that makes any sense whatsoever.
littlekitty Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Just a tad b*tchy. Posters stalk other posters, just to pick fights with em. Fun is. So I can see why somebody who posts in that forum, and sees the nastiness that goes on, even gets caught up in it sometimes, would be hesitant to say she was an OW outside of that forum, ya know? Not that I'm defending her totally about not being 100% truthful in her original post. Just that I can see why maybe she wouldn't. If that makes any sense whatsoever. It does yes! I hear what you're saying!
erika2610 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 It does yes! I hear what you're saying! Woohoo! It's nice to know I'm not a total blathering mess between being sick and just getting home from work. Anyway, let's see if she even comes back to this thread now.
littlekitty Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Woohoo! It's nice to know I'm not a total blathering mess between being sick and just getting home from work. Anyway, let's see if she even comes back to this thread now. I'm guessing she may not, which is a shame if I'm right. As I'd have liked her to have answered some of the questions here. But yep, for a blathering mess, your making pretty good sense!
Pretty Fly Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I thought about what you said, and I realized I don't agree with it. Not sure if you'll check this thread again, but I'd love to discuss this with you if you do. I understand that a person should be striving to better their partner's life in order to help the person be happier and feel more fulfilled... but isn't there always a "me" aspect in that? I'm not sure if one of us is misunderstanding the other. I wasn't saying "that a person should be striving to better their partner's life". I was saying a person should be striving to better their own life and their partner should be happy to be with them while they are doing it as the act of them doing it makes them the person that their partner wants to be with. Let me give a somewhat extreme example. Consider a guy who is a mountain climber. Climbing mountains is what he does and makes him the person he is. If he is with a woman, he doesn't want her telling him he can't climb mountains because when he's doing it he's not giving her attention. Climbing mountains is what makes him the man he is and the man he is is what attracted the woman in the first place. She should ideally be happy seeing him doing what makes him happy. And vice versa, obviously.
Walk Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I'm not sure if one of us is misunderstanding the other. heh.. probably me. She should ideally be happy seeing him doing what makes him happy. And vice versa, obviously. I get what you're saying now. Yeah, I agree with what you said. Kind of ironic though.. I think some women start nagging their guy to be less wild. And the men are confused why their wild (in bed) woman changed.
Author Marielle Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 I just checked my thread, was very busy. I can see what it generated. Let me explain myself to those who I have offended. I am not hiding anything, it's not like I am disguised coming from the south pole...I come from next door, the Ow forum! I know it's very easy to get recognized. If I wanted to hide something, I would change my user name or enter as a guest. My intention was to isolate this single issue wich has nothing to do with him still being married. Thats a complete different story. We are a couple and have fights like many couples. So my intention was to discuss about that specific issue. As for the OW forum I read a lot there but it's more about BS fighting against OW, so I didn t need to do that. Whoever likes to play sherlock Holmes...you ve got the wrong place!
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 If he cared about me ...Don't attach that to what he feels for you. If you set yourself up for the fall, you WILL fall. Men are men, forgetful at times and in all honesty (most) men are quite simple, so if he has upset you, it wasn't intentional.
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 my intention was to isolate this single issue wich has nothing to do with him still being married. Then who knows why he didn't call ya the next day...Maybe he had other things to deal with, seeing as he's married. (And me saying this isn't mean to piss you off, it's just the reality of your situation when you're the OW dating a MM. Don't expect him to BE there for you 100% of the time. If you do, you'll be disappointed alot.)
Author Marielle Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 WWIU I appreciate your kind and intelligent aproach and not beating me up. I do not expect him to be 100 % of the time with me...even if he was single. The fact that he didn't call has nothing to do with him being married, he was at work, I know for a fact. And knowing him, even if he was at home he would call me anyways. He apologised and stayed over last night..he is himself complaining that he doesn t spend as much time with me lately, and getting deppressed becasuse of that. HE lost weight and almost doesn;t shave. We do have a special R, he does not love his wife and is waiting till june to move out, (for different factors including a baby). I was hurt because he did not have the empathy of calling to see how I was. Last year he had a similar problem and I was busy, he called me and I replied 4hrs later: he was soooooo upset you wouldn t beleive it. I don t wish to start the conversation about mm- ow, because I have the other forum for that. I just post here sometimes when it is purely a R issue not having any rapport with the situation. I am sorry to provoke the reaction in some of you like I was trying to be sneaky...but I wasn t that at ALL. Maybe a bad move on my part: yes.
Walk Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I felt you left out 99% of the "little problems". If I post that my bf called me a bytch then I'm going to get a bunch of responses saying he's an ass. If I post saying he called me a bytch after I slashed his tires and broke all his head lights, I'm going to get a completely different set of responses. Which set of responses do you think would be more accurate? I'm not mad.. just felt like I was tricked sort of. You didn't have evil intentions in it, I understand that. I was just feeling really bad for you because others were hurling insults earlier, and then to find out you neglected to mention what I would consider pretty significant things.. well, it actually kind of hurt my feelings to be honest with you. Probably because I really identified with how you were feeling about the inital situation. But it's water under the bridge, ok. No hard feelings?? ************ I was hurt because he did not have the empathy of calling to see how I was. Last year he had a similar problem and I was busy, he called me and I replied 4hrs later: he was soooooo upset you wouldn t beleive it. It's kind of different because he had called you (in the example above), and you didn't reply for 4 hours. In the scenario you originally posted.. the last time you talked to him you told him you were fine and going to bed. There wasn't an implied directive for him to call you back later like there would be if you'd called him that morning and left a message. Did that make sense? Not sure if I said that right.. basically, he called implying he wanted to hear from you soon. You spoke with him and left him with the idea that you wanted alone time.
Author Marielle Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Well, Walk, I do understand where your coming from, and your example about B****calling leaving out 99% was actually very funny (and sadly a bit true) But I m glad you realized it was not intentional, it was my own way to try to rationalize the situation without biased BW insulting me, just singling (is that a word?) out this episode. Of course everything is related, because maybe if the R was normal, I would not have all these insecurities. But it's hard to undertand when you are not in my shoes. Thanks for your input;)
Walk Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 one last thought.. and I'm sure if you've kept the relationship going this long than you're probably already doing this.. but becaues of the dynamics of your relationship, the two of you are going to have to be a lot more proactive in your communications. And you're probably going to be stuck with the lions share of thinking up comprimises and solutions that will ensure you get what you need from him. Because you're important to him, he'll try to do that too... but he's really got way too much on his plate. The man needs to whittle down his obligations. But I'm sticking with my other post saying that you'll need to step forward with what you expect or need from him and when. Otherwise, your insecurities will all jump to the forefront at once, and you'll over react to simple things constantly.
Recommended Posts