strangeway Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 My Dilemma? My BF seems to be holding buying a house, having a child, progressing the relationship further on what I do...or rather, what I dont do. Meaning....when I dont clean exactly up to his standards, he starts telling me that I am not ready for a house...When I dont cook that nite, he tells me that I am not ready for a child because it is clear that the child would suffer greatly in a messy house with no food. Is this normal? Am I being lazy or selfish? I am just so tired of having this stuff held over my head all the time, dangling the carrot as they say, that I begin to grow listless and have started thinking "why bother"? Also, if you would please input your advice and on this situation: We live in a tiny efficiency. We dont have a stove. We have a little 2 burner hot plate thing that plugs into the wall (and frequently blows fuses when I use both burners at once and the microwave) that I supposed to cook full course meals on. Its very taxing and more than a little daunting especially when the entire counter space is less than 4 feet long, and it takes more than 2 hours to cook and I work a full 8 hours, Im tired, frustrated, and not in the mood... His response? "What about when we have a baby, are you not going to be in the mood to feed him either"? The only time I get a break is on the weekends, however, even that has turned into an argument and I end up cooking at least once or twice throughout the weekend. I think that the heavy cooking should wait until after we get a house, or at least cut down a bit, like a break in the week. He thinks that it shouldnt and wont accept less. Also, to make things more difficult, the food cant be already prepared nonsense, such as canned pasta, beans, rice...doesnt have to be from scratch, but has to be homemade at least...another problem is that it is very difficult to cook any meats on that burner, it takes so long! I tried out one of those George Forman things (takes less than 10 minutes to cook meat and it frees up my time and patience considerably) but he HATES the way the meat tastes because it drains the fat out. I cant use a crock pot because it cant stay on for the full 8 hours while I am away, as the fuse might blow or he thinks its not safe, so no go. what do you think?
Jeffrey Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Ask him simply: Does he want a mother or an equitable and loving PARTNER in life? Sounds to me like he wants a mother.
norajane Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 He sounds like a demanding, inconsiderate ass, actually. This is a taste of what married life with him will be like. His demands and his belittling you will only get worse.
Mustang Sally Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Last time I checked, it was the 21st century... Does he plan on contributing anything with the cooking, cleaning, and childcare? If so, then maybe he should get started NOW and find out how challenging that can be with only a HOTPLATE to use. If not, get outta there, sister. You don't need an extra child, and one that's full grown, to boot.
Walk Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I have a problem with what you described... You work all day and then spend a couple hours preparing meals and stuff, does he spend an equivalent time on household chores or maintence on "relationship" things after work? Or does he work a greater number of hours than you do per day? He demeans and insults you, yet he is unwilling to put forth even close to the same amount of effort as he demands from you. You seem to understand this isn't fair. But you don't seem quite certain. As if you have to ask others to validate if your view on reality is right. This statement in particular says a lot: I am just so tired of having this stuff held over my head all the time, dangling the carrot as they say, that I begin to grow listless and have started thinking "why bother"? Mentally being beaten down. It points toward depression, a feeling of hopelessness, a feeling of not being capable or having belief in yourself. These aren't good signs. I don't want to say this.. but your bf is holding these things over your head because he has no intention of following through on them. He doesnt' want them like you want them. So he uses it against you. Uses it to get what he wants from you. Manipulates you until you will work harder, do more, try harder to show him that you are "good enough". But it won't be enough... because he doesn't really care if you get married or have kids. He wants you to do the work so he won't have to. The harder you try, the more he'll find to fault. You can't win. Your post made it seem as though you've tried to comprimise with him before, and yet you're still left doing more then your share. He doesn't want equal, he wants to do as little as possible, and as long as he can manipulate you by demeaning you then he will. My suggestion is that you stand firm on what YOU need in life. Demand it. Don't back down. You need a man who is capable and willing to work just as hard as you are. You need a man who wants what you want out of life. You need a man who respects and cares for you, not part of the time, but ALL the time. Someone who can comprimise with you, help you, and want to make you feel capable and good about yourself. At this point, I'm surprised you have anything at all left in you to give toward those you love. What happens when you do have children? Will you be run so ragged that you'll never have time to play with them, spend time with them? You'll be so busy cooking, cleaning and making "him" happy, that your children will suffer. Stand up for yourself. Would you want your daughter to be in the same situation you are in? And if not, then you need to change things so that you can be the role model you want to portray to your daughter. i wouldn't want my daughter to grow up as a maid for some guy. I'd want her to have equal say, a strong voice, feel respected and loved, and energized by her relationship... not beat down and sinking into depression over it.
Author strangeway Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 does he spend an equivalent time on household chores or maintence on "relationship" things after work? No, he usually sleeps until he eats, then he eats, and sleeps some more untill it is time to go to bed. When he isnt sleeping, he usually finds ways to be out of the house. Or does he work a greater number of hours than you do per day? You know, I think he actually works a half hour less than I do in a day, or at least he used to... I say "I think" because I can never quite get him to pin down exactly what time he gets off. I don't want to say this.. but your bf is holding these things over your head because he has no intention of following through on them. He doesnt' want them like you want them Walk, is there any reason why you feel like that? My suggestion is that you stand firm on what YOU need in life. Demand it. Don't back down I did just that when I told him that I had enough of cooking 7 days a week, and that I was going to take saturday and sunday off. That worked for two weeks and then it was forced on me again...because I would rather not feel miserable, I just gave in. Yesterday, when I came home, I was dead tired. I wanted a nap. He did too. I asked if he was hungry and he said no. We took our showers and then rested. 20 minutes later he is hungry. So I fix him something and I am not tired anymore so I start reading a book. I wake him up an hour later and tell him that he might not be able to sleep at night if he sleeps anymore. He went back to sleep. An hour and a half after that, I tell him again, that maybe he should wake up. He doesnt want to. I continue reading. At 11:00, I wake him up because I need to sleep and he is sprawled across the bed. He gets up, goes to the bathroom and then starts turning on the lights, opening mail, turning on the tv really loud (the TV is about 5ft away from the bed) and I ask him nicely to try to get back to sleep, but he ignores me. I go to the bathroom to cool off (I am getting mad at this point) and I stay there for 10 minutes. I go and lay down and try my best to sleep with all of that commotion, but I just cant. So at 12:00, I tell him that I need to work in the morning, could he please turn it off now? He starts screaming at me, mad as hell, and I bring up that it wasnt my decision to sleep the day away. I let him know that I woke him 2 times before and he didnt want to wake up, and he was still so pissed, yelling at me coldly to go to bed then, turns off the TV but I can feel his negative mean vibes, and I tell him to go outside to watch TV on the patio then (the efficiency is part of his Aunts house) if he cant sleep, but I need to sleep. He was dismissive, rude and brushed me off. I knowin this instance, I feel wrong, and I feel bad because I sort of feel like a mother disciplining a child, taking the TV away from him, but I just get so frustrated and angry.
Mustang Sally Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 You wrote: "because I would rather not feel miserable, I just gave in" I think the rest of us are seeing that you already are miserable. Why are you letting this oaf determine how you are going to let yourself feel about yourself with his insensitive behavior? I'm thinking that he can hardly be held responsible for treating you so poorly when you seem so willing to just let him do it. There are plenty of other (nicer more considerate) fish in the sea. Why are you letting this guy have this kind of hold on you? Maybe you need to see a councelor about your self-esteem issues.
blind_otter Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Um, you ARE like a mother disciplining her child because your BF is behaving like a child. I would run away as fast as I could. I just had a conversation with my SO about cooking. He noticed how tired I've been lately (PMS) and brought up that we should eat out more because I haven't been feeling well and he doesn't cook very many dishes, then he went and picked up food for us to eat for dinner on his way home from work. IMO, that's what a considerate partner would do if the cooking every day was too much for you. I'm just sayin.
Author strangeway Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 He noticed how tired I've been lately Just that he noticed made me feel really really good for you... I'm thinking that he can hardly be held responsible for treating you so poorly when you seem so willing to just let him do it. I think it was a little unecessary for you to imply that so apathetically. (note how I said "a little" unecessary) Of course things werent always like this between us. Often I feel lost and you know how confused you can get when these behaviours are coming from the one you love.
Mustang Sally Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Strangeway, Sorry that I sounded harsh. It's just that I believe that rarely can we control what others do or think but we can always control what we do or think. It's not your fault that this guy is (has turned into) a jerk, but it is up to you to decide when you've had enough. I'm trying to tell you that if it were me, that point would be reached by now. I think you are justified in telling him to either fix his behavior, or take a flying leap. Then you need to be prepared in case he is not willing to fix his behavior. Right now, you are allowing him to go on unchecked with this business because you are not standing up for yourself, in my opinion. Just make sure that you are ready for possibility that he says "forget it" because I'm betting he isn't going to change. Best of luck (truly) with you're situation, keep us updated.
TheDC Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 The guy sounds like an @$$hole. I say kick his ass to the curb. You need a partner not an overgrown child. Don't put up with it anymore just tell him to get lost. He'll be all sorry and want to work it out but he won't change. Sure he might try for a short while, but then he'll just slip back into his old routine.
orangehose Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Uhh, yeah. Not to sound judgmental, but this situation sounds like one of my worst nightmares. I understand it's hard to give up someone you love, but really, could you deal with this the rest of your life? Your posts already sound as though you're fed up (as I would be in your position).
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