LegalEyz Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 After weeks of unkept promises by my H, I finally got the nerve to tell him it's time to go. He is moving into his own apartment immediately. Can I ask, Now What???? What should I expect, do, not do. I'm already feeling alone, sad and bad for him because I feel he NEEDS me.
Delarocha Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 After weeks of unkept promises by my H, I finally got the nerve to tell him it's time to go. He is moving into his own apartment immediately. Can I ask, Now What???? What should I expect, do, not do. I'm already feeling alone, sad and bad for him because I feel he NEEDS me. The only thing you can do is let him figure out that he does not NEED you. I am in a very similar situation (except I am the husband, and my wife is moving out.) We have realized that there is no hope for us even staying friends if she continues living here. I have realized recently that my depression and my out of control emotions are still quite prevalent, and it has put an undue amount of pressure and guilt on my wife. However, I also realize that I do not NEED her in my life. I guess my point is that you feeling guilty is not fair to either of you. You are doing what you think is right, and in the end both of your lives will go on regardless. You and your H will never have a healthy relationship if either one of you NEED the other for happiness. Although I am extremely depressed, and not so happy about life in general... I can recognize that it's time in my life to learn to live with myself. Be happy with myself... Learn to relate to other people (strangers) in a more confident non co-dependent way. In time your H will see these things. He will get tired of being sad and dependent on YOU for his happiness. Don't let your guilt drag you down.
ilmw Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 The only thing you can do is let him figure out that he does not NEED you. I am in a very similar situation (except I am the husband, and my wife is moving out.) We have realized that there is no hope for us even staying friends if she continues living here. I have realized recently that my depression and my out of control emotions are still quite prevalent, and it has put an undue amount of pressure and guilt on my wife. However, I also realize that I do not NEED her in my life. I guess my point is that you feeling guilty is not fair to either of you. You are doing what you think is right, and in the end both of your lives will go on regardless. You and your H will never have a healthy relationship if either one of you NEED the other for happiness. Although I am extremely depressed, and not so happy about life in general... I can recognize that it's time in my life to learn to live with myself. Be happy with myself... Learn to relate to other people (strangers) in a more confident non co-dependent way. In time your H will see these things. He will get tired of being sad and dependent on YOU for his happiness. Don't let your guilt drag you down. Del... I gotta say that is the best and most insightful post I have read of yours... awsome... Sounds like you are getting your head in gear..
PWSX3 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 The only thing you can do is let him figure out that he does not NEED you. I am in a very similar situation (except I am the husband, and my wife is moving out.) We have realized that there is no hope for us even staying friends if she continues living here. I have realized recently that my depression and my out of control emotions are still quite prevalent, and it has put an undue amount of pressure and guilt on my wife. However, I also realize that I do not NEED her in my life. I guess my point is that you feeling guilty is not fair to either of you. You are doing what you think is right, and in the end both of your lives will go on regardless. You and your H will never have a healthy relationship if either one of you NEED the other for happiness. Although I am extremely depressed, and not so happy about life in general... I can recognize that it's time in my life to learn to live with myself. Be happy with myself... Learn to relate to other people (strangers) in a more confident non co-dependent way. In time your H will see these things. He will get tired of being sad and dependent on YOU for his happiness. Don't let your guilt drag you down. This is SO TRUE!!! I hate to say it, but my W moving out was the best thing for me. I am learning I can live by myself and just like Delarocha said, you have to be able to do things for yourself and you also have to be happy with yourself. This is something someone sent me a few weeks ago and it's so true. It's not your partner's job to make your life fulfilling and enjoyable. That's your job, your partner is just there to share those moments with you. You can't help him figure out what he wants, he will have to figure that out himself. As for what to do, pick up some books and start learning, go do something that maybe for some reason you weren't able to do before. Join a craft class or a cooking class (and if you fix Mexican food bring it to my house:D:laugh:) but I feel doing something that makes you learn will give you confedence for other things.
Delarocha Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 This is SO TRUE!!! I hate to say it, but my W moving out was the best thing for me. I am learning I can live by myself and just like Delarocha said, you have to be able to do things for yourself and you also have to be happy with yourself. This is something someone sent me a few weeks ago and it's so true. It's not your partner's job to make your life fulfilling and enjoyable. That's your job, your partner is just there to share those moments with you. You can't help him figure out what he wants, he will have to figure that out himself. As for what to do, pick up some books and start learning, go do something that maybe for some reason you weren't able to do before. Join a craft class or a cooking class (and if you fix Mexican food bring it to my house:D:laugh:) but I feel doing something that makes you learn will give you confedence for other things. Now, the key is... I understand these things when I say them out loud. I believe them. Now, I just need to FULLY feel them. I AM starting to feel them, but I am a long ways from being whole. So, the old saying 'easier said than done' holds true. But, I guess it's like anything else. You know if you go to the gym you'll be healthier than you are now, but you have to regularly behave in a way that actually reflects that belief (Actually working out.) Start doing small things for yourself. I have found cooking dinner for myself really takes my mind off everything but making a tasty meal. Start going to places you would never have tried before. Now that I am saying these things out loud, I think I want to take a cooking class. Might be a good way to meet new people AND actually learn how to cook a few things other than my standby (Chicken w/ anything).
Author LegalEyz Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 Thank you all for your great words. I am still having a difficult time with the whole thing. He still hasn't left and wants to talk tonight. I've been trying to stay away going by family/friends but as each day goes by I'm growing weaker and weaker .. I know exactly what to expect from this conversation and I know my weakness will let him stay. I want to be strong for ME, and I want to start doing for ME. I just don't know how and I believe he knows that about me after 10 years of marriage. How can I handle this the best way possible??? I feel like a child who cannot make her own decisions. Any advise???
Delarocha Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Thank you all for your great words. I am still having a difficult time with the whole thing. He still hasn't left and wants to talk tonight. I've been trying to stay away going by family/friends but as each day goes by I'm growing weaker and weaker .. I know exactly what to expect from this conversation and I know my weakness will let him stay. I want to be strong for ME, and I want to start doing for ME. I just don't know how and I believe he knows that about me after 10 years of marriage. How can I handle this the best way possible??? I feel like a child who cannot make her own decisions. Any advise??? LegalEyz, it seems you KNOW what you want to do and are afraid that once you get in an actual discussion you will allow yourself to be swayed? (That is what I gather from this post) I would suggest you do the following. When you get some time before having your discussion write out your feelings. Write down what you REALLY want and need. Explain the reasons behind each course of action you have decided on and make it clear that you intend on following through, and make it clear you expect he will follow through. Hell, maybe even explain WHY you had to write a letter to make sure your thoughts and decisions didn't get changed during the discussion. Then, when it's time for the discussion you can read this letter out loud to him without interruption. The timing is all up to you. Maybe you guys talk first and then you read it. Maybe you decide to only read it if you feel yourself getting weak. Maybe you hold true to your decisions and don't even have to pick it up. I think having thought your feelings out will have two benefits. 1.) You will KNOW what you want and having that piece of paper there will remind you not to be weak. 2.) If you do start to get weak, you can reach down, pick that letter up, and read your thoughts out loud. I know in the heat of the moment we tend to want to please. I think the natural tendency is to work towards resolution, regardless of if it's what we really want. You have acknowledged this weakness in yourself, which is great!.. You have another bullet point to work on. However, it doesn't mean you cannot try to do immediate things to help you overcome. You have a strength in your ability to post on this message board your true feelings and decisions. Use that strength of writing to help you overcome your other weaknesses.
Author LegalEyz Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 Awesome advise. I will need the time to put my feelings into perspective and that is exactly what I am going to do. Thank you so much. I need to be strong for ME .. I'm tired of being so weak to someone that takes advantage of this weakness. I will let you know how it works. <<fingers crossed>>
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