serial muse Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 So, I have kind of a philosophical question. I've been dating my current BF for about 6 months. We're doing great, but he has an ex-gf who is having trouble letting go. It's not a recent breakup - they broke up about 2 years ago. They had dated for 2 years. He ended it. The reason he ended it, he told me, is that basically he just never fell in love with her, and after 2 years, he knew that he wasn't going to. It just wasn't there. I suppose he tried in several different ways to let her know he wasn't happy and that it wasn't the relationship for him - they even went to couples counseling. But in the end, he never could bring himself to tell her the flat truth - that he just didn't love her. He says that he didn't want to hurt her, and he still feels a lot of guilt. More than a year passed between their breakup and the time when he and I started dating. But during that time, she contacted him periodically, wanting to get back together, not understanding, and eventually saying she wants to be "friends." Only, she is clearly still very attached, and has made it very clear to him that she's "hurt". When he told her he had met me and that we were quite serious, she got upset and wanted to know why he didn't want to try again with her. Sigh. I empathize with her pain - I've been broken up with by someone I had strong feelings for, and it sucks. But it's going on two years now, and she's not letting go; she calls and emails about how hurt she is that he's not working to have a friendship with her. He doesn't really want to, but he's choking up with guilt, and basically is not dealing well with things. He says he doesn't know what to do to get her to understand that it's over and she should move on, because no matter what he says it's going to hurt her. So, here's my question. I agree - there's nothing he can say that won't hurt. Because someone not wanting to be with you plain hurts. But I kind of think that if he were direct with her about WHY it's over for them, she'd at least understand and wouldn't want to hang around anymore, waiting. So, I think he should just tell her, as gently as possible, that the reason he ended it is because he just didn't love her. I've had someone do that for me, when I couldn't understand why it wasn't working out - and it was really very freeing. It hurt like hell, but it's incontrovertible. It's like a lightbulb going off. And while, yes, I want her to go away , I also think it might be good for her to know the truth. Okay. Any opinions on this? I'm not going to advise him - it's his choice. But I'd like to know what other people think about saying "I don't love you" to someone who doesn't want to let go. Too cruel? Or painful but honest, and ultimately freeing?
blind_otter Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I agree with you. The truth will set her free, even though the truth is really painful to deal with. It's liberating. She's chained herself to a defunct relationship for over a year now and it's time for your BF to grab his gonads and do the deed that he couldn't do when the originally broke up.
CaliGuy Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 He's doing more damage by not being honest. Yes, it's going to sting but it will help her move on. She's hung on because as far as she knows, he did love her. And she's clinging to that hope. He needs to come clean. It will relieve his guilt and allow her to move on.
amaysngrace Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 It works. It most definitely works to let people know where they stand in a relationship even if it's outside the door. If he's gentle about it she may actually appreciate hearing those words from him. It will give her closure and allow her to move on. I actually think it's the right thing to do.
Author serial muse Posted January 11, 2007 Author Posted January 11, 2007 Oh, thanks thanks thanks you guys. I was feeling pretty guilty about thinking this myself, because of course I just couldn't be sure of my own motives here. No one wants to be the ugly jealous harridan she-devil girlfriend. But my instinct is the same - the truth shall set you free. I think you're right - as far as she knows, he did love her (even if he never said so - one tends to interpret things how one wants to, unless given clear, alternate information), and so she's horribly confused. I think he needs to make it clear to her what his new reality is, in a way that leaves no room for doubt. He's a big wuss, but I love him. And yeah, I'm (sickly) relieved that he has no qualms about telling me he loves me too. Heh.
amaysngrace Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I've been dating my current BF for about 6 months. This is off-topic but I always thought you were a guy. Did I tell you that before?
sunangel Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I definately think he should tell her the truth..... If she hasn't gone away after this long than she obviously isn't going anywhere! He's with you now, and this other girl calling so much isin't gonna help your relationship. So he needs to be a man and handle that! Not all women are strong enough to just let go when a guy splits. It's pathetic but true..... Good Luck
Author serial muse Posted January 11, 2007 Author Posted January 11, 2007 This is off-topic but I always thought you were a guy. Did I tell you that before? Ha! Funny. No, I didn't hear that before. I'm all woman though.
riobikini Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 re: SM: "... think it might be good for her to know the truth. Okay. Any opinions on this? I'm not going to advise him - it's his choice. But I'd like to know what other people think about saying "I don't love you" to someone who doesn't want to let go. Too cruel? Or painful but honest, and ultimately freeing?" Sm, I believe there's a "right" way and a "wrong" way to go about doing just about anything. But when the "right" way doesn't cut the proverbial mustard -it might be time to change or adjust tactics and strategy. Not -mind you- dive headfirst into doing every mean, evil esteem-robbing thing you can think of to make them realize your resolve in ending the relationship -but, rather, being tactfully point-blank in your statements -with added emphasis, if needed. And back up your statements with actions that *prove* your resolve. That's not being cruel: it's actually exposing truth that otherwise would never be acknowledged, and is kind in origin and nature in the long term. And though it creates an expected, inevitable wound, it's certainly not one that can't heal. *Firmly* and *clearly* stating the facts is like excising an infected wound or lancing a painful boil: you have to cut first to drain the guck and nasty mush. When it's done, *leave them alone* to tend their own wound: you may have been forced to excise it, but *only they* are in charge of their own healing. Hope this helps. -Rio
amaysngrace Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 *Firmly* and *clearly* stating the facts is like excising an infected wound or lancing a painful boil: you have to cut first to drain the guck and nasty mush. Geez Rio did you have to be so graphic? Now everytime Serial Muse thinks of this woman she's going to envision an infected wound with weeping pus.
riobikini Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 LOL, AM. Sometimes, it requires it. :laugh: BTW -good to see you in the boards. Hope you're doing well. -Rio
paris38 Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I see what you're saying about the truth, but can't he just do strict NC with her? Or email her back and tell her he doesn't feel it's healthy for her to keep contact since they have been broken up for almost 2 years now? This exgirlfriend has problems if she is still hanging onto him when he has told her he is in a serious relationship with someone else. I think NC is the way to go, personally, if she has friends and family, they have already told her he obviously doesn't love her and she should move on. This post has helped me, thanks. I have been on and off communicating with a guy, sometimes at his initiation, sometimes at mine, but there had been no clear sign of getting back together and I do not want to be your boyfriend's exgirlfriend a year from now, that would be scary. It helped me see what I must look like when I do contact him, although I have begun a strict NC on him.
amaysngrace Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 BTW -good to see you in the boards. Hope you're doing well. It's nice to see you too. Happy New Year!
heartbroken1234 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I think you are being very blinded by this whole thing and the lines your guy is feeding you. Personally, the guy should be honest and just tell her he doesn't love her. But at the same time, when he's not being honest w/ her, how do you know he is with you? Maybe he is feeding you lots of lies and bullcrap. I'm a guy by the way so my opinion is very true I think. He is just telling you what you want to hear. And obviously... you're probably only hearing his side of the story. You aren't hearing what he's saying and possibly doing w/ her behind ur back. Yes, you do need to trust someone, especially if you "love" them. But think about it, you are witnessing him lying to someone else first hand, why wouldn't he do that to you? You might say to yourself, "because he loves me..." Well... why is he lying to her? Because he doesn't want to hurt her, maybe everything he is saying, doing, etc for you is to not hurt you and he feels stuck in a situation! Sorry to be such a pessimist, but I've had a lot of bad experiences with people and their ex's. You never know what is truly being said and done when it's just them two! Think about that for a bit...
Author serial muse Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 I think you are being very blinded by this whole thing and the lines your guy is feeding you. Personally, the guy should be honest and just tell her he doesn't love her. But at the same time, when he's not being honest w/ her, how do you know he is with you? Maybe he is feeding you lots of lies and bullcrap. I'm a guy by the way so my opinion is very true I think. He is just telling you what you want to hear. And obviously... you're probably only hearing his side of the story. You aren't hearing what he's saying and possibly doing w/ her behind ur back. Yes, you do need to trust someone, especially if you "love" them. But think about it, you are witnessing him lying to someone else first hand, why wouldn't he do that to you? You might say to yourself, "because he loves me..." Well... why is he lying to her? Because he doesn't want to hurt her, maybe everything he is saying, doing, etc for you is to not hurt you and he feels stuck in a situation! Sorry to be such a pessimist, but I've had a lot of bad experiences with people and their ex's. You never know what is truly being said and done when it's just them two! Think about that for a bit... hey heartbroken, thanks for your response. of course, i've wondered whether he's just telling me what i want to hear in this situation - you don't know my backstory, but believe me, given my own history, i'm waaay ahead of you on that one. and i agree that one of my primary concerns is that he has lied to her. and yes, i was initially very concerned that he was lying to me about how he felt about her, or what their current status is. however, there's a lot more to this story than i had time to write here, but suffice it to say that i do have good reason to believe him when he says that he's not actually interested in her (which has nothing to do with him telling me he loves me, by the way). i do think that the guilt is the motivating force. which is not to say that i am cool with the lying. i suppose that's a philosophical question for another thread, but i think it's an interesting point: everyone lies at some point (usually to cover their asses, but sometimes to spare others' feelings too). so there is a certain amount of "live with it" that has to happen. we all do it, and it's a bit severe to say that it always means the worst - in a long-term relationship, if two people go without ever telling any lies to each other to spare each others' feelings or avoid a fight, etc., they should be awarded medals of honor. and many of the people who come to this website have also been on the wrong end of cheating or of being lied to in other ways, so there is a bit of a "dump him/her" credo that happens here when someone posts anything to do with dishonesty. but on the other hand, i myself have been lied to UGLY - my exH cheated - and so it's definitely a trigger for me (which is why i say i'm way ahead of you, heartbroken - there isn't much you could say in the pessimistic sense that i haven't already thought of, believe me). because sometimes, it does mean the worst. so the question is, is that a reasonable perspective? or is it skewed to the most pessimistic side by the many broken hearts (sorry heartbroken ) who come here?
magichands Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 , there's a lot more to this story than i had time to write here, We're thankful for small mercies.
Author serial muse Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 We're thankful for small mercies. eh. bite me, peanut breath. you're welcome.
magichands Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 eh. bite me, peanut breath. There's not much left, why bother. And your head would be entirely unsatisfying. By the way, I don't love you, and I'm not sure I ever did. Well, maybe... briefly... once. But I was only attached for just long enough to complete the fantasy.
Author serial muse Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 There's not much left, why bother. And your head would be entirely unsatisfying. By the way, I don't love you, and I'm not sure I ever did. Well, maybe... briefly... once. But I was only attached for just long enough to complete the fantasy. oh ick. i didn't need to know about the fantasy.
dgiirl Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I think it's a fairly cruel thing to do. My exh said that he never loved me and never wanted to get married but was scared to hurt me. This after 8 years of marriage, out of the blue he comes home and tells me he wants a divorce. Thanks asshat for wasting my life. It almost destroyed me. However, in my case, he didnt say this 2 years later, he said it the day he left after having "lunch" with a "friend" 3 times. I dont think your bf needs to say anything mean to her but to implement strict NC. If he wants to say something, just say something along the lines of "I'm sorry it didnt work out, but I am no longer in love with you. It's been over two years and we both need to move on. We have to stop contacting each other so that we can move on"
magichands Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Thanks asshat for wasting my life. It's true, then. After all the pain and hardship, you look back on those times with a special fondness. Kind of makes me thankful for something too, but I really can't think of anything. Screw you all.
kandi r Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Your boyfriend NEEDS to be upfront with her or else you NEED to get the hell out.. My ex told me flat out I DONT LOVE YOU and MOVE ON. that killed every piece of me when those words came at me.STill i was stubborn and begged for it to work, why? well because I WAS in love, I WAS happy, but he had different thoughts and feelings and even though my ex may have cared for me HE did not love me the way i did towards him. It did not work. My ex was adament about the break up and when it was final, trust me he walked away. So to me your b/f needs to be upfront if not then he may have mixed emotions..SO if you have been hurt before and you know game when you see, think twice. If someone does not want someone. THEY WILL LET IT BE KNOWN AND STAND BY IT...good luck darlin
Recommended Posts