princessa Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 A couple of days ago I finally broke up with my bf. We've been together almost 2 years and loved eachother deeply. My major problem with the relationship was that he didn't make me a priority in his life. I had tried to break up with him before, but he'd always come back to me and tell me how much he loved me. Because I was growing resentful we had frequent fights and because he liked to run away from problems, nothing would get sloved. Finally I put my foot down and said I've had enough. I told him that if he really wanted this relationship then he should show me that he can put in the work to resolve some of our problems. After being supportive of him for 2 years in every way imaginable wihtout asking anything back, I thought I had done enough for this relationship and should just sit back. I suspected that I really was the only one holding the relationship up, and that if I stopped putting in the effort, it would collapse. So I explicitly told him what I expected of him, and how he could show me that he was willing to work on the relationship. Among other things, I was looking for a promise from him to make me a priority. Lately he had expressed some confusion about my saying that I've had enough of his nonchalant attitude towards our relationship. He said that he had lost motivation to work on our problems following all of our fights and some verbal abuse from my side. He said he didn't want to lose me, but wasn't able to handle my expectations of him, and wasn't able to make me promises. He said that he'd really love us to be friends and see where it goes from there. He even went as far as saying that he always loved me, but that we've had too many fights and abuse, and that he just didn't want a relationship anymore. To me this was the ultimate insult. Just how strong was his love for me?? When the tables were turned and he couldn't meet my needs because of his bad life's situation, I still stuck by him and decided to wait until things get better for him. I was the only one giving during nearly 2 years. All he did was take. And now that it's his turn to show me that he can hold up the relationship on his own for the two of us in a time of crisis... he gets put off by our past fights?? In reality it doesn't matter which excuse he prefers.. I think that what he said about not wanting a relationship pretty much sums it up: he only wants to do as he pleases, without any regard for me, without any promises, without any expectations from my side. He's always expresesd that he wants my company and affection no matter what. Well that's his needs. What about my needs to have a relationship? What about my needs to have a reliable man who's able to promise me to be by my side through the problems and the fights? I've done enough to catter to his needs throughout our relationship. In fact, that's all I've done. And now that I'm starting to express needs of my own he finds nothing else but lousy excuses in order to weasel himself out of meeting them. He has a selfish way of loving me. So I told him that since he didn't want a relationship then I will move on and will stop all contact with him. He begged me not to cut him off and to be his friend... I told him that he was selfish in asking me this. He tried to convince me to give him time and to just remain in contact many times... but I told him that for once he should maybe consider how miserable friendship might make me feel and to just leave me alone. He said he understood. I told him that he should cut the "i miss you" emails and text messages.. He said "I promise I won't bother you". Promise? This was the first and only promise he was actually able to make me??? Ooohhhhhh the irony. Anyway, I'm glad I've stuck to my guns in the end. If he can't give me what I need and has no interest in doing so, then what does it matter if he really loves me?? I'm glad that the misery of this unsolvable situation is over. I now have to deal with the left over feelings of being cheated by him and by life, of putting in so much effort without getting anything back, of always being the one to understand and trying to mend without getting any of it reciprocated. It's gonna be a long and lonely walk.
Guest Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Sounds eerily like my relationship. We broke up 4 months ago. It sucked bc I too felt so damn emotionally cheated. I made a dealine for myself to sulk. I dont know why exactly it seems to have worked, I guess I just felt that I gave him too much already. I dont know. What I do know, is that for now, I have stuck to my deadline. And you know what, this week, the week after my deadline, I have been asked out 2 times, and called a guy that I casually knew to go out. I feels great, mostly because I fantatsize about being with a man who knows that he wants to be in a relationship and knows he wants to have it with me. It may be a while til I find that, but I know now that I am no longer stuck in that $hitty place of wondering, it can happen. It is such a weight off my heart. I was haboring the thought that maybe we can get back together later, now I wonder why, but anyway...I was talkingto a woman in her early 40's about this and she looked me in the eyes, about to cry, and said: You cannot do that. I lost my chance to have children because I kept thinking maybe we'll get back together someday. That just blew me away. When it just isnt working, it doesnt matter why. Best to accept it and open yourself up to new possibilities.
Recommended Posts