robkris8079 Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I am about to be divorced in several weeks. My STB EX left me for someone else. I am 26 been married for over 3 years. I was engaged to her for 18 months and exclusively dating her for a few years before that. So basicaly only her for 7 years. I didn't do too much dating before her either. Anyway while trying to cope with my loss I started working on myself. Dressing nicer, working out, eating right, doing things that made me happy. Now I feel I'm ready to get back in the game. I'm not rushing anything but I feel ready. I guess all the working on me is getting noticed by others because for the first time in my life I find myself with multiple people giving me their numbers or saying we should go out or meet up. My real question here is, how the hell does all this work? Can I go out with multiple people? Do you tell all up front that you date other people? I have no idea what I'm doing. I was just a kid last time I had to do this. I don't and won't hurt anyones feelings. I'm not that kinda guy. But I was committed to one person for over 7 years and that got me nowhere. Should I be committed to one person now? If so what the hell is the diff between that and being married?
Walk Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 After I got out of my marriage I dated multiple people at the same time. I feel that it's okay as long as you aren't being intimate with any of them. The moment sex enters the picture, then you need to cut the rest loose and stick with just the one partner. A woman is going to feel a stronger emotional attachment to you after sex, and it's really cruel to continue dating others after you've crossed that threshold with someone. As far as telling them up front that I was dating others.. I didn't offer the information, but I didn't hide it. If they asked what I was doing the other night, and I was out with Jack, then I said that. If I was at home, then I said that. But I didn't feel that in a extremely casual dating situation that I had to make a big to do about telling them where we stood. Again, that's assuming there's no sex involved. I did feel that anything involving heavy petting should prompt me to tell the guy that I was keeping options open. Just so he wasn't left expecting more than I was willing to give at the time.
Ukwizard Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Hi Robkris, Interesting question you have. Almost the same as mine, Why date som many?On this thread http:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1047914&posted=1#post1047914 Except on my thread, one or two others ripped me when they should be answering the question. Your questions, My real question here is, how the hell does all this work? Can I go out with multiple people? Do you tell all up front that you date other people?The answer to your question is, no. No you can`t date multiple people at the same time. lol You can date someone you like, and try to make a go of it to see if it works. If it doesn`t, and the realtionship doesn`t make you happy, and talking about it doesn`t chnage anything then yes, move on and go out dating again. You sound like my ex. She was married for 10 years, and her earlier years she hardly dated anyone. When she separated from her husband, she waited only about a month before she started dating. A lot of people on LS say you should wait a little longer to find out what you want. The fact is. Dating around will leave you single and alone in the end. Not always though. I m saying by dating around, and not trying to get the "relationship equilibruim" for what each individual wants in their relationship. They will end up being single, by possibly by-passing a potential partner. My ex dated 8 men after she separated with her ex husband. I was number 3. Also the longest at 7 months. To answer your other question. It does hurt other people, and ultimately yourself. I know my ex is blaming the men she is seeing, and when she turns to alcohol, she`ll blame herself. I wouldn`t tell anyone that I m dating around. Thats not fair. It almost implies you want an open relationship. Try NOT to date around. Date one partner at a time, and not at the same time if thats what you mean. Try to find someone that really likes you for who you are. Take time over one another to see if the raltionship will work. Don`t just write someone off for something they`ve not said, or done. All this multiple dating may give you an opportunity to see whats out there, but its also a possibility of by-passing a potential partner. Think hard. Just look at my ex. Shes had 8 diffent men in 22 months. After one of her relationship ends. She`ll not reflect from her past experiences. She`d jump straight into another relationship. Right, now she`s single. All this dating, and writing people off due to the slightest problem. She`ll not learn.
Walk Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 The fact is. Dating around will leave you single and alone in the end. Not always though. I m saying by dating around, and not trying to get the "relationship equilibruim" for what each individual wants in their relationship. They will end up being single, by possibly by-passing a potential partner. I think you're wrong. How are you defining "relationship"? At what stage does "relationship equilibruim" come into play? Would you define a relationship starting the moment I agree to go on a first date with you? Or does it occur when both people discuss and agree to it? Who decides when you are in a relationship, and what are the criteria? I don't believe a person is in a relationship until it's discussed and agreed on by both parties. Until then, it's just having fun and hanging out. So no "relationship equilibrum" would be in play for what I'm talking about. Just to clarify my above post in case it was unclear.. I'm not talking about dating multiple people for numerous months with the intention of getting serious with all of them. But dating multiple people on a casual and fun basis for a few weeks, or a handful of dates, to determine whether they are compatible with me. Most times you don't get 5 people to go out with you in one week, you meet them in a staggered time frame. So one person might be on date 3, another on date 1, another in the stages of planning.... When I realize a person isn't compatible, I tell them. If I meet someone interesting, I ask them out. (prior to agreeing to be in a relationship with anyone. After agreeing, then I don't date others at all. That's wrong in my view.)
Author robkris8079 Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 I'm not serious or intimate with anyone right now. I guess I can hang out with both? There has been no talk of exclusivity or even a relationship at this point. It's just been hanging out. Today I'm suppose to do lunch with one and then go out tonight with the other. I'm so dam confused. I realized that I can't handle two relationships and that it's not fair to them or myself. I won't be able to be "me" with either if I'm juggling two. I might be jumping the gun anyway. I mean I don't even know if both want a relationship with me. One just might want to be friends? Does a girl that gives you her number automatically want something more than friendship. I'm just gonna take everything at a snails pace. It is what it is, what ever happens happens!
Walk Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Does a girl that gives you her number automatically want something more than friendship.! Probably... but I never equated giving a guy my number to instantly in a "monogamous long term relationship" with him. It was more of a "hey, he's cute.. wonder what he's like". If it goes, it goes.. if not, oh well.
dgiirl Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 The fact is. Dating around will leave you single and alone in the end. Not always though. I m saying by dating around, and not trying to get the "relationship equilibruim" for what each individual wants in their relationship. They will end up being single, by possibly by-passing a potential partner. I've been separated from my exh for 2 years now and i'm still single So I dont really see the harm in dating multiple people as long as it's just the initial stages where it's just hanging out. Once it becomes more serious, then you either have to choose between them or be completely honest in stating that you are dating multiple people. But if you are still only going on the first initial dates, you are not exclusive nor should one assume you are. I might be jumping the gun anyway. I mean I don't even know if both want a relationship with me. One just might want to be friends? Does a girl that gives you her number automatically want something more than friendship. I'm just gonna take everything at a snails pace. It is what it is, what ever happens happens! Go slow! Right now, you are just hanging out with friends. You might not be ready to date, but that doesn't mean you cant get out and enjoy time with friends. In your case, it's plausible that if the girl's knew of your situation, they might be giving you their numbers just for friendship. When my coworkers found out about my separation, every single one of them offered to hang out and spend time with me. Go out and have fun! You deserve it
Author robkris8079 Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 Well one girl did know my situation before we started hanging out. The other one didn't know anything when she gave me her number. But she found out by someone else (which made it look like I was hiding it which I'm not). But she still texted me and wants to meet up. This leads me to another question. Do I have to introduce myself as "Hi, I'm Robert who is about to be divorced and have a 1-1/2" year old". I have no issues telling anyone about my daughter or even my marriage. I'm very proud of how I handle both situations. If some one doesn't want me because I have a daughter or even because I'm soon to be divorced then screw them. This is my life right now, take it or leave it! So far no one really seems mind that I'm gonna be divorced or that I have a daughter. Actually I think me having custody of my daughter is something woman like?
dgiirl Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Well one girl did know my situation before we started hanging out. The other one didn't know anything when she gave me her number. But she found out by someone else (which made it look like I was hiding it which I'm not). But she still texted me and wants to meet up. This leads me to another question. Do I have to introduce myself as "Hi, I'm Robert who is about to be divorced and have a 1-1/2" year old". I have no issues telling anyone about my daughter or even my marriage. I'm very proud of how I handle both situations. If some one doesn't want me because I have a daughter or even because I'm soon to be divorced then screw them. This is my life right now, take it or leave it! So far no one really seems mind that I'm gonna be divorced or that I have a daughter. Actually I think me having custody of my daughter is something woman like? Initially, while I was still separated, I told guys who I met online. I just wanted that info out of the way asap. But at the same time, the pain was still fresh and I probably wasnt ready to date. So them knowing that piece of information helped explain my quirkiness. They all seemed to appreciate my honesty and all seemed to be ok with it, except one who was pretty judgemental after not even asking me any questions about what happen. After 2 years, I'm finally divorced. I've also given up on dating, and the pain isnt as fresh. I dont define myself as a married/separated woman anymore. I dont see my ex as a husband anymore. I dont see my commitment to him as I use to. I have changed and there's MORE to me now than just that experience. That experience is now becoming my past and the past deserves to be left in the past. I dont think i'll be as forthcoming about my past with every single person I meet. I wont hide the information, but I'll share it with only people i think who deserve to know. ie, i wont mention it on first dates, but maybe after the 10th or something. But in my case, I dont have any kids. My ex and I do not communicate. Although I was married to him, our relationship/breakup is not much different than an ex bf/gf. However, in your case, you have a little girl. You will always have a little girl. And I think this is important information that potential mates need to know. And it's even more important for you to know if they are ok with you having a daughter. IMO, it's better to get the info out on the table asap so that you dont develop any feelings for them. I'd rather know what kind of person i'm dealing with before it goes any further. Your daughter is nothing to be ashamed about. It's not a burden in your life. It's not a cross you have to bare. Be proud of your daughter and dont hide her existence in fear of what a potential mate might think. When you make new friends, do they know you have a daughter? How do you tell them of her? I think you should use the same methods as you do with friends with potential mates. It's just casual conversation that gets mentioned early on in the meeting process. If you make it a big issue, they'll see it as a big issue. If you just mention it as matter of fact, they'll see that you have no "baggage" about your past.
Guest Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 After I got out of my marriage I dated multiple people at the same time. I feel that it's okay as long as you aren't being intimate with any of them. The moment sex enters the picture, then you need to cut the rest loose and stick with just the one partner. A woman is going to feel a stronger emotional attachment to you after sex, and it's really cruel to continue dating others after you've crossed that threshold with someone. As far as telling them up front that I was dating others.. I didn't offer the information, but I didn't hide it. If they asked what I was doing the other night, and I was out with Jack, then I said that. If I was at home, then I said that. But I didn't feel that in a extremely casual dating situation that I had to make a big to do about telling them where we stood. Again, that's assuming there's no sex involved. I did feel that anything involving heavy petting should prompt me to tell the guy that I was keeping options open. Just so he wasn't left expecting more than I was willing to give at the time. i don't multitask. the moment i start showing interest in someone - that's it. that's just me. my choice. i was went someone years ago - and learned to ask that question right away. its funny because most people think its men that do that when its ususally women and if u get a vague answer you know they are. so, i ask all the time. if a woman wants to 'date' others while dating u then they know they are not into u or just wanna have some fun. nothing wrong with that if both agree - but i'm mr. boring longterm if a woman tells me she wants to do that i say be my guest - and they would know that after they've done the 'getting it out of their system' that i would probably be a tough sell because that means they decided to experience things without u - u were not as important as their desire to self fullfillment no probs with that - everyone is different it would take a pretty special someone for me to get back with someone that decided to do that - in fact, i never have yet. but i was never in love before either
Rooster_DAR Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I am in the same boat as you are, but I have a jump start. I have been dating multiple women, and even been intimate with a couple of them. Unfortunately the other posters are right, it's became a bit of a pain in the ass since sex is now involved. I happend to be out at a club this weekend and I ran into both of them and it got messy really quickly. The other girl I dated had all of her friends there and when they saw me with my new date, her friends attacked me in the middle of the dance floor. Honesty? Believe me it does not work after intimacy has been initiated. I even told the other girl I was dating that I am dating someone else and I did'nt want her to feel uncomfortable if she ran into me with my new date. She told me that's fine and we could just be friends. That did not work at all, complete disaster. The only advice I could give is juggle your resources carefully, and keep your dates from running into you together. BTW..it's not bad to date more than one person IMO.
Author robkris8079 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 I am not ashamed of my daughter in no way. When I first start talking to people wether it be a friend or potential mate I usually show a pic of my daughter right away. That usually gets the conversation rolling, then the person usually asks about the mother. So I tell. Rooster_DAR I don't think we are quite in the same boat. Because I am not intimate with either. Nor will I ever be with both of them. Once a relationship got to that level it's just the two of us at that point. Because there is no way in hell I want my partner doing things with someone else and then coming back to me. If I wanted that I would have kept the wife. And if the woman wants to do that than she is not the one for me. And I bet you these woman have that same mentality. As far as keeping dates seperate from each other... it's all too sneaky for me. I was just in a marriage where I was cheated on. There is a whole bunch of sneaky going on there. That's not me. I guess I can't date multiple people. I am having such a conflict with it. Wether it be right, wrong, justified, OK or an absolutely horrible thing it doesn't matter. So I'm gonna stick to one at a time. If I miss out on something else in the meantime OH well. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Rooster_DAR Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I am not ashamed of my daughter in no way. When I first start talking to people wether it be a friend or potential mate I usually show a pic of my daughter right away. That usually gets the conversation rolling, then the person usually asks about the mother. So I tell. Rooster_DAR I don't think we are quite in the same boat. Because I am not intimate with either. Nor will I ever be with both of them. Once a relationship got to that level it's just the two of us at that point. Because there is no way in hell I want my partner doing things with someone else and then coming back to me. If I wanted that I would have kept the wife. And if the woman wants to do that than she is not the one for me. And I bet you these woman have that same mentality. As far as keeping dates seperate from each other... it's all too sneaky for me. I was just in a marriage where I was cheated on. There is a whole bunch of sneaky going on there. That's not me. I guess I can't date multiple people. I am having such a conflict with it. Wether it be right, wrong, justified, OK or an absolutely horrible thing it doesn't matter. So I'm gonna stick to one at a time. If I miss out on something else in the meantime OH well. There are plenty of fish in the sea. When you are dating it's acceptable to see more than one person, there's nothing sneaky about it as long as the people your dating know this. Many people date multiple people, especially those who do not want a permanent relationship. FYI I was cheated on as well, and I don't condone sneaking around at all. Cheers!
Author robkris8079 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Sorry after I read it that came out wrong. I didn't mean to imply you condoned cheating. When you said keep them away from each other that just seemed sneaky. I don't want to be on the look out for the other when I'm with one. I want to be comfortable and allow her to feel the same way. I figure that's the only way to get to know them and see what or if anything is going to come out of the relationship. Thanks for all the info! Truly is one of the best forums on the net.
dgiirl Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I am not ashamed of my daughter in no way. When I first start talking to people wether it be a friend or potential mate I usually show a pic of my daughter right away. That usually gets the conversation rolling, then the person usually asks about the mother. So I tell. I think this is the best thing to do. I guess I can't date multiple people. I am having such a conflict with it. Wether it be right, wrong, justified, OK or an absolutely horrible thing it doesn't matter. So I'm gonna stick to one at a time. If I miss out on something else in the meantime OH well. There are plenty of fish in the sea. There's nothing wrong with just dating one person either. However, do realize that until there's an actual relationship, the women are free to casually date multiple people.
saturnalia Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I think it's OK until it becomes clear that one of the partners wants to be exclusive or you find yourselve engaging in deceptive dating practices in order to sustain the multiple "relationships." I have failed to heed this and felt guilty afterwards. Recently I was dating two men, and it quickly became way stressful. Took up way too much effort and concentration. It was an unusual situation because I liked both of them a great deal, however I made the decision to end it with one of them just this past weekend. Your conscious and your heart will NOT lie to you.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 When you are dating it's acceptable to see more than one person, there's nothing sneaky about it as long as the people your dating know this. Many people date multiple people, especially those who do not want a permanent relationship. I agree with Rooster...you've just been in a M with one woman...you won't possibly know what you want right away...when you chose her, you were different and your needs were different...going through a divorce changes the way you see things and people and will affect your choice of a partner...there's nothing wrong with being single...and there's nothing wrong with dating multiple people...not everyone wants to get married immediately...
mental_traveller Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Dating multiple people is fine and so is sleeping with multiple people, so long as you are up-front about it and honest. They can decide if it's for them or not. Just be aware that this will have an effect - some people will not want to see you want to date around, and more will not want to see you if you want to sleep around. If your goal is to have the best chance of getting another serious relationship leading to marriage, it's probably better to decide pretty quick if she could be in the serious category or not, and move on if she doesn't match up. As for me personally, if a woman told me she was dating around, I'd from then on only be interested in her for sex & a bit of a laugh, nothing serious.
Rooster_DAR Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I agree with Rooster...you've just been in a M with one woman...you won't possibly know what you want right away...when you chose her, you were different and your needs were different...going through a divorce changes the way you see things and people and will affect your choice of a partner...there's nothing wrong with being single...and there's nothing wrong with dating multiple people...not everyone wants to get married immediately... Yup, and that's the case with me. I do not want to jump into another serious relationship for a while, and the females I'm dating understand this. Now if we decide to commit, for me that's a whole different story. When I commit it's a true commitment, but that's not where I'm at right now.
Author robkris8079 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 Thanks for all the wonderful advice. I talked to one of the girls and she said she usually dates multiple people. I told her I am hanging out with alot of people. And if something should spark good. If not then I have alot of friends. She was OK with all of it and we are hanging soon. So basically I got all worked up for nothing!
stace79 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 The hard part is that not everyone agrees on when a relationship starts...I figure if I go out with a guy for four or five dates and I like him enough to keep dating, it's time to talk exclusivity. If I don't like you enough to go out four or five times, I'm off to the next person, and maybe we stay friends, maybe we don't. I think it all comes down to what you are looking for, and THAT is what you should be honest about: Are you just looking to meet new people, make out, have fun, etc? Or are you looking to find someone you can again establish a loving, caring relationship with? I think you're wrong. How are you defining "relationship"? At what stage does "relationship equilibruim" come into play? Would you define a relationship starting the moment I agree to go on a first date with you? Or does it occur when both people discuss and agree to it? Who decides when you are in a relationship, and what are the criteria? I don't believe a person is in a relationship until it's discussed and agreed on by both parties. Until then, it's just having fun and hanging out. So no "relationship equilibrum" would be in play for what I'm talking about. Just to clarify my above post in case it was unclear.. I'm not talking about dating multiple people for numerous months with the intention of getting serious with all of them. But dating multiple people on a casual and fun basis for a few weeks, or a handful of dates, to determine whether they are compatible with me. Most times you don't get 5 people to go out with you in one week, you meet them in a staggered time frame. So one person might be on date 3, another on date 1, another in the stages of planning.... When I realize a person isn't compatible, I tell them. If I meet someone interesting, I ask them out. (prior to agreeing to be in a relationship with anyone. After agreeing, then I don't date others at all. That's wrong in my view.)
Author robkris8079 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 I'm a sucker for the caring relationship. That is what I'm after in the end. But I'm not going on every date with every girl trying to turn it into that. Right now I guess I am just meeting new people and having fun. I've been out with this one girl over 5 times. Some times in a group a few time alone. There is some form of comunication every day. Wether it be a call, text or what ever. Not all initiated by me so no I'm not obsessing. It's a 50/50 split on whom contacts who. So would this be the time to be exclusive?
stace79 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I'm a sucker for the caring relationship. That is what I'm after in the end. But I'm not going on every date with every girl trying to turn it into that. Right now I guess I am just meeting new people and having fun. I've been out with this one girl over 5 times. Some times in a group a few time alone. There is some form of comunication every day. Wether it be a call, text or what ever. Not all initiated by me so no I'm not obsessing. It's a 50/50 split on whom contacts who. So would this be the time to be exclusive? If it was me you were dating, I would think the "talk" could be broached. If you have romantic feelings for the girl (more than friends), why not try it out? Make sure it really is what you want though...communication is the biggest thing. If you don't think you're ready yet, tell her you really like hanging out with her but you don't want to lead her on. Honesty is best right up front. Good luck. Seems like you are a nice guy looking out for everyone's feelings.
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