IraqiGuy Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I WAS with this great girl that stuck with me while I was in Iraq and I messed up bad. I have been back and I don't know if it is PWSD but I have been going out with friends that are either current or former Marines that are now cops and it is a big male bonding bar culture where I would get wasted. They would ask me if I have been having bad dreams and I reply that I must be one cold hearted bastard, no dreams, but I drink until I am sick 3 to 4 times a night. Beside that, when I get drunk, I flirt with the girls at the bars. One I gave my phone number to and she texted messaged me on going out for some drinks. I went and had drinks with her and got so wasted that I ended up sleeping it off in my car. That was two months ago. Since then, I have been deactivated, have got my gun and badge, went back to work and everything was fine. We were talking about marrage and fixing the house I own to make it family friendly. I even got a new cell phone because the old one wasn't working. Well my now ex came by two night ago when I wasn't there and read that text and dumped me the next day. I know now from reading some of the topics that I will get responses about: 1) What a horrible untrustworthy guy I am. 2) The evils of drinking Please, I KNOW I SCREWED UP. I want her back and am looking for answers. I never realized how special she was until I lost her. I sent her flowers to her work tomorrow. I need realistic answers.
Pyro Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I WAS with this great girl that stuck with me while I was in Iraq and I messed up bad. I have been back and I don't know if it is PWSD but I have been going out with friends that are either current or former Marines that are now cops and it is a big male bonding bar culture where I would get wasted. They would ask me if I have been having bad dreams and I reply that I must be one cold hearted bastard, no dreams, but I drink until I am sick 3 to 4 times a night. Beside that, when I get drunk, I flirt with the girls at the bars. One I gave my phone number to and she texted messaged me on going out for some drinks. I went and had drinks with her and got so wasted that I ended up sleeping it off in my car. That was two months ago. Since then, I have been deactivated, have got my gun and badge, went back to work and everything was fine. We were talking about marrage and fixing the house I own to make it family friendly. I even got a new cell phone because the old one wasn't working. Well my now ex came by two night ago when I wasn't there and read that text and dumped me the next day. I know now from reading some of the topics that I will get responses about: 1) What a horrible untrustworthy guy I am. 2) The evils of drinking Please, I KNOW I SCREWED UP. I want her back and am looking for answers. I never realized how special she was until I lost her. I sent her flowers to her work tomorrow. I need realistic answers. She does have the right to be pissed. You flirted and gave out your number to a waitress. The ball is in her court now. Maybe she is just angry and will cool down but at the same time, her trust in you has been affected, so you will have to wait and see. You seem sorry for what you did, so I hope that things work out for the best.
Author IraqiGuy Posted January 11, 2007 Author Posted January 11, 2007 She does have the right to be pissed. You flirted and gave out your number to a waitress. The ball is in her court now. Maybe she is just angry and will cool down but at the same time, her trust in you has been affected, so you will have to wait and see. You seem sorry for what you did, so I hope that things work out for the best. Thank You Sir for your quick response. Instead of going out to a bar, I am new to this website. Trust is a big issue with her. She has been cheated on with past boyfriends which is why she went through my phone,( my house, old letters etc) which I do not blame her for. As a matter of fact, except for that text message of a girl wanting to hook up with me, my life has been an open book to her. She told me it's over because she can never trust me again.
Pyro Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Thank You Sir for your quick response. Instead of going out to a bar, I am new to this website. Trust is a big issue with her. She has been cheated on with past boyfriends which is why she went through my phone,( my house, old letters etc) which I do not blame her for. As a matter of fact, except for that text message of a girl wanting to hook up with me, my life has been an open book to her. She told me it's over because she can never trust me again. Try and talk to her, but this has been a problem for her in the past, so you can't get mad at her if she doesn't want to reconcile. I really do hope that things work out but once the trust is gone, it is very difficult to get back, impossible for some.
Author IraqiGuy Posted January 11, 2007 Author Posted January 11, 2007 Try and talk to her, but this has been a problem for her in the past, so you can't get mad at her if she doesn't want to reconcile. I really do hope that things work out but once the trust is gone, it is very difficult to get back, impossible for some. That is the impression I got from her last phone call. I am going to wait till her temper cools down. I leave for the next few days for reserve training. I know I want her back. I just need to know how to go about it.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 IraqiGuy....as a man, I'll tell you I have never cheated and never will...And I despise cheaters. To keep my own emotions in check I trust in the "once a cheater always a cheater" rule. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt. So here it goes. You want her back and want to prove to her she is the one and only? Then going out and drinking with friends is OVER!! Going to bars or clubs is OVER!! This is what I tell my wife and if she wants to act like a single woman, she can pack her bags and leave without my kids. So you need to do some major sucking up to this woman and prove to her you don't need that single, barfly life any longer. If you are not willing to do that and anything else she requests....then leave her alone.
phoenician cutie Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I totally agree with crumb on this one! If you really want to get her back, you are going to need to change your lifestyle. The bar scene is nothing but trouble... the drinking and the women are too much temptation. Stay as far away as possible from that scene. Once she sees that you are staying clear of that, maybe, just maybe... she will start to trust you again. It will definetly take some time. A lot of time, considering she's been hurt before. You are lucky to even get a second chance.... so IF you do get one... Dont blow it!!!!!
Author IraqiGuy Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 IraqiGuy....as a man, I'll tell you I have never cheated and never will...And I despise cheaters. To keep my own emotions in check I trust in the "once a cheater always a cheater" rule. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt. So here it goes. You want her back and want to prove to her she is the one and only? Then going out and drinking with friends is OVER!! Going to bars or clubs is OVER!! This is what I tell my wife and if she wants to act like a single woman, she can pack her bags and leave without my kids. So you need to do some major sucking up to this woman and prove to her you don't need that single, barfly life any longer. If you are not willing to do that and anything else she requests....then leave her alone. Give up hanging out with guys I went to combat with...OK The Law Enforcement\Military world is huge on male bonding. There is a bond, a brotherhood where we would (and some have) risked our lives for each other and that bond is something the public doesn't see or understand. This is a horrible fact but unfortunately much of that male bonding involves bars and drinking. It is actually very therapeutic to talk to your peers about your experiences and hear theres and know you are not the only one, and doing that while drinking is a fact and part of it. Other than that, great advice about not acting single anymore. I'll incorporate that part.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Give up hanging out with guys I went to combat with...OK The Law Enforcement\Military world is huge on male bonding. There is a bond, a brotherhood where we would (and some have) risked our lives for each other and that bond is something the public doesn't see or understand. This is a horrible fact but unfortunately much of that male bonding involves bars and drinking.. Then she'll never trust you fully and you are showing that she isn't that important to you. Maybe you should set her free.
stace79 Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 As a girl, I can tell you right now that if I were your ex and I just read this response, it would be done. There is no "I'll do anything to get her back, EXCEPT..." It doesn't work that way. You want her back? Then you will do what you have to do, no if's, and's or but's. It sounds to me like you just said that you would do anything to get her back, EXCEPT stop going out drinking at bars, which is what got you in this mess in the first place. Going out drinking at bars and clubs is something single people do. Give up hanging out with guys I went to combat with...OK The Law Enforcement\Military world is huge on male bonding. There is a bond, a brotherhood where we would (and some have) risked our lives for each other and that bond is something the public doesn't see or understand. This is a horrible fact but unfortunately much of that male bonding involves bars and drinking. It is actually very therapeutic to talk to your peers about your experiences and hear theres and know you are not the only one, and doing that while drinking is a fact and part of it. Other than that, great advice about not acting single anymore. I'll incorporate that part.
guin_girl Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I do understand the male bonding thing. But not every military guy comes back and hangs out at the bars and they certainly do not drink themselves into oblivion... And I do know that the military does offer counseling to help those that need assistance re acclimating to "regular" life. I would suggest that you look into this, and this can show her that you do realize you made a mistake and that you do want to change. As a woman who has been cheated on, unfortunately we do have trust issues and it's so hard not to project that distrust onto the next guy, but when you prove her right, your "battle" will be much harder to convince her otherwise. Good luck.
bluetuesday Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 hey iraqiguy a sucky situation for you both. i'm sorry this happened. the brutal fact is, you can do nothing to get her to change her mind. all you can realistically do is change yourself FOR YOURSELF, and hope she sees the changes and makes the decision on her own to come back to you. for any change to be real and permanent, you cannot make it about HER. if you want to remove yourself from the whole bar/bonding culture, you can do it. there is no one forcing you to be part of that world if what you genuinely want is something else. i know going to war must forge very deep bonds between servicemen and women - but don't mistake those bonds for a cage that keeps you from being who you really are, if indeed you are someone who wants to be free of them. those bonds are necessary in iraq because you live and die by them and their strength protects and sustains you, i understand that. but you're home now and safe and free to choose who you want to be. in my opinion, it's not the going to bars with your buddies that's the problem and i don't think you necessarily need to give that up. lots of guys do it to relax and in itself it's okay if that's how you want to spend your time. it's the getting wasted and flirting that is the problem. but if you cannot do one without the other, you have a hard choice to make - one that will dictate how the rest of your life progresses. the need to maintain a bond with people who have been through hell with you is totally understandable, but allowing that to be the root of self-destructive behaviour is not. if those buddies won't accept or respect you because you won't get wasted with them anymore, ask yourself why you'd want to retain them in your life now the need for the protection and sustenance that was necessary in iraq, is over. you have no debt to these friends. they helped you, you helped them. and it's over now. anything else is an illusion. so is retaining a destructive pattern of behaviour with people who know what you've been through MORE important than living a life in which you get to keep the woman you love? it seems that you cannot have it both ways. you need to decide if getting your life to the point where you become a man who doesn't need to get off his face or pick up women feels right to you. if it does, do it. if it doesn't, you have your answer about this woman - and others who might love you and want to be with you in future. these are big questions but your life will become clearer once you answer them. all actions have a motivation that is rooted in either love (and for that read freedom, peace, compassion etc) or fear (aggression, mistrust, control etc). so find out why you feel the need to act the way you do. do you need the continued approval of these men? do you need a way to block out whatever horrors you've seen in iraq? seek professional help getting this answer by all means and i wish you all the best with it. the bottom line is this. people who are happy and secure in their relationships and in themselves don't feel the need to prove themselves by following their friends into behaviour that damages themselves or those close to them. and they don't take steps to cheat on partners they claim to love. you did both of these things. you cannot undo them, you can only learn from them and make better choices in future. if this girl sees that you acknowledge your mistakes - and acknowledging them mean being willing to stop them happening again, not just saying sorry - and if she sees that you are prepared to use those mistakes to improve yourself and take all reasonable steps to commit yourself to a life in which you don't want to do anything to hurt her, she may come back to you. you seem genuine from your post and knowing you screwed up is a great start. but it's having the balls to take the next step that will prove to this woman whether you're worth waiting around for a second time, or not.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 As a girl, I can tell you right now that if I were your ex and I just read this response, it would be done. There is no "I'll do anything to get her back, EXCEPT...". You are exactly right. You do whatever it takes if you want them back. unless the EXCEPT part is "ill do anything EXCEPT cut out one of my testes"....or something like that.
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