Is there anything at all I can do?

[toosad36]

I'm 37 y/o and I dated the same girl (32 y/o) for 4 years and was engaged for 9 months. She broke off the engagment 2 months prior to the wedding. I had committment issues and we broke up twice for about 2 months each time because she wanted to get married and start a family. I went into a depression the second time we broke up because I really thought that we were over. I just felt in my gut that I didn't want to marry her eventhough I thoroughly enjoyed being a couple with her. After we got back together the 2nd time mostly from me trying to get her back - we got back under the assumption that we would get engaged - My depression went away when we got back together although it took nearly 7 months for me to finally "give in" and get engaged. I was miserable inside being engaged to her and was fearful of making the wrong decision. I did not embrace the wedding process and brought her down during the engagement period. She decided to plan the wedding with minimal input from me. I hadn't asked my groomsment to be in the wedding and never did register. We had the invitiations made up but the wedding was called off just prior to having the invitations sent out. I didn't want the wedding at the time and basically "gave her the gun". She left about 4 months ago. Initially I tried to get her to re-think her decision by talking to her in person. She said that she canceled everything and was moving to NY and that she wasn't mad. I followed up with a couple of emails saying how scared I was and that it was wedding gitters and that a lot of men get scared of getting married. No response to my voicemail or emails. I followed up a couple of weeks later with an email saying that basically said I hope you're doing well - I love you and always will and I respect your decision.....You left some things at my house that I'm sure you would like back - let me know what is easiest for you to get them back to you.....and that I'd like to pay my share of lost deposits". Again no response except from her parents who wished me well and told me that there was $16k in lost deposits. I proceded to write several checks for $2k each totaling $8k. All of the checks have been cashed - No follow-up thank you from her parents or acknowledgement. I proceded to give her the space that she probably wanted and needed and did not initiate any further contact until about a month ago my best friend's wife got an email from her asking to coordinate receipt of some of her things before she left town. She couldn't have emailed me? I complied and brought her stuff to my friends house so she didn't have to go through me. Her cousin emailed me for her tax return and I sent it. I finally saw her at a party around Christmas and she was walking around with another guy (I don't think it was a bf but I don't know) and the few times I saw her she walked in the other direction. It was very uncomfortable seeing her as it was I'm sure for her to see me. What upset me more than anything was that she didn't even want to say hello and give me a hug after 5 years. I knew that she was moving within the next week and I really wanted to see her and talk to her before she left. I sent a really nice email asking if its not to much trouble that it would mean alot to me to meet for a cup of coffee, but if not that I hope that you'll email me once you get settled in NY and that we've spent too much time together to not communicate. I wasn't surprised that she didn't want to meet for coffee but again she did not even respond. IThis was 2 1/2 weeks ago. I didn't say that I want to get back together in the email but I do and I want to make this work eventhough I felt unbelievable relief when she left 4 months ago. My friends think that there is nothing else that I can do and that I have no more cards left to play. I miss her terribly and it hurts to be ignored and to spend 5 years and now its completely over. She has moved cities and I still hold out hope that she'll contact me and one day we'll get this right. I just wish I knew what she was doing and thinking. Is she having as difficult a time as I am? Has she already moved on and isn't looking back? Does she hate me or think that I am "poison" for her? I continue to respect her space and I don't want to be a stalker (hell she's already moved cities) but I want to communicate with her and maybe revist us especially since dating is much harder than i had imagined. Is there anything I can do now or in the future. Its been 4 months since we've had NC. Do I have any cards at all left to play. Has she moved on - Am I an idiot for thinking of contacting her again? I don't wnt to be a thorn in her side but I don't want her to forget about me and I want a second or even third chance.

Thanks so much for listening - Any advice or questions you have would be greatly appreciated.

[norajane]

Oh, trust me - she's NOT going to forget about you any time soon. But she won't be thinking of you with fondness and a hope to get back together.

 

I don't think you have any cards to play. You yanked her chain for 5 years, and she has finally accepted that you have issues and there's no point in getting back together with you because those same issues will still be there the next time you get close to marriage.

 

The only thing you can do now is go to a therapist and figure out why you're phobic about commitment and why you behaved this way in your relationship, and why you couldn't bring yourself to get married. You have to work through those issues so the next time you fall in love, you won't treat the new lady in the same old way that ruined this relationship.

 

Getting her back...I'm just not seeing it. Maybe if she has no luck at all in falling in love with someone else in a couple years, AND you've gone through therapy and aren't so fearful of marriage, it might be possible...but I wouldn't bet on it.

[Nanachu]

Toosad36,

 

I am very sorry for your situation. Let me share my situation as mine seems to be similar to your ex GF. I broke up with my ex who I was together 5 years. We moved in and were about to get married. We had issues in our relationship, but more importantly he had his own issues (e.g., unsure about his career, low motivation for his current work, kind of being lazy, a huge student load, etc..). He wanted to change not for me, for himself, but he could not. His issue of-course impacted our relationship as he was not happy with himself. I finally made up my decision to leave him.

 

I was pretty upset at him and like your ex I did not pick up his calls or reply back to his emails saying "I love you and I miss us." Well, but for a while, I still had a feeling for him and kind of hoped that we would get back together. But, I could not take him unless he fixes his issues by himself. One day (about 2 months after the break-up), we bumped in and decided to meet some other day to talk about us. I was casually seeing other guys at that time. However, I was actually hoping to find him changed and take him back...

 

Well, shortly after I met him, I knew he has not changed a bit. His issues were right there. Loosing me was not big enough. He looked miserable and I could tell that he missed me and he still loves me a lot. However, that was not good enough. I need to see his change not by his saying, by his action. I did not see it. It was a final call for me.

 

So, I think that it is very important for you to really think about your commitment issue. I am not saying you need to change it for her. If you do not feel that you want to change that for yourself, it won't last. Also, if you have not changed, she can see it and you guys will repeat the same getting-back and breaking-up. I am assuming that your ex does not want to waste her time any more for someone who has a commitment issue. You may not be happy after all if you are not married kind while she is. I recommend you think about what you really want for your life.

 

Good luck.