My ex is becoming an alcoholic

[ShoeGirl]

(I posted this yesterday in another section but I haven't got any replies and not too many people have looked at it, I thought people would might respond more here)

 

I'm not sure what to do here and I would like to know what you think... sorry that this is so long... I would really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this

 

My ex and I broke up in October, and I haven't really talked to him since then, only twice I think and they were both really strange conversations.

 

When we were together (2.5 years) he would drink on occasion and when he did he drank a lot, so much that if we were at parties I would have to try and stay pretty sober so that I could take care of him when he got out of control. It seems that he doesn't know how to drink in moderation, for him it is either completely sober or belligerently drunk. After we broke up we had one last "date" which consisted of dinner and us talking for several hours about everything that happened, trying to get questions answered. During this conversation I brought up his drinking habits and he said that he knew what he was doing and that he would be more conscience of it and take it easy.

 

Well I am still good friends with one of his roommates. She called me a few weeks ago and was really upset and told me that she didn't want to drag me into the middle of everything but needed advice... apparently he is now drinking 4-5 nights a week and each time getting belligerently drunk. She tried to confront him about it and he acted like there was no problem, he has never admitted to her that he knows he drinks a lot. I told her what I thought and suggested that she try and talk to him when no one else is home to maybe make him more comfortable and hope she can get somewhere with him.

 

Now another of his roommates has come to me asking about the same thing and what she can do. I asked if she has talked to the other roommate, which she hadn't. I told her to go talk to the other roommate then call me back because I had already given my advice to the first one who called me. They called back and said that as far as either of them know I am the only person who has been able to get him to admit that he has a problem with drinking. They have asked me to confront him again when I am in town next (I live 5 hours away and won't be back there for at least another month).

 

I am not too comfortable seeing him or talking to him because he acts so strange when I have seem him and talking to him is incredibly awkward. I would love to help him, the last thing I want is to see him ruin his life by drinking so much, but I don't know if he will even listen to me or if it will be really awkward.

 

My other problem is that I have recently started dating a guy who would rather me not talk to my ex (my ex used to call and text me constantly... which finally stopped about a week ago) I haven't talked to my new guy about this particular situation and I don't want to make a big deal about it until I figure out if I even want to confront my ex. I think that he will understand my reasons for wanting to help but I don't think he will be all that comfortable with it.

 

I don't know what to do. Should I put aside the awkwardness and try and talk to him or should I just stay out of it?

[Guest]

I would stay out of the situation. While it must be hard to see your friends (his roommates) and your ex being hurt.. the one thing I have learned dating an alcoholic is that there is VERY little you can do to rectify the situation.

 

If you confront him and accuse him of being an alcoholic and ruining his relationship with his roommates - it could push him even further and have the opposite effect. If he is going to get help and correct his behavior, it has to come from inside. He has to see the effects of his drinking on his relationships and make a decision to change.

 

People do not like being told what to do, especially people who are addicted to something. I honestly think that if you went to see him and you are involved with this other man, it would come across as patronizing and make him feel as if he was a child needing to be taken care of. While this may be true - it could again push him further into alcoholism.

 

If you truly care for this guy I would let him know that if he is in a situation in which he needs genuine help you will be there for him as a friend. His roommates I think need to get themselves out of this situation unless they are very very close friends with him.

 

I know it sounds bleak and rather mean, but it is the truth.. I dated an alcoholic once and I could never get him to sober up. He still drinks to this day and I just stay out of it .. it is his business and he will sober up when he decides to. Or he may not.. unfortunately it is a problem that is VERY widespread in this country.

 

Hope this helps.. Best of luck.. I'm sorry you're in this awkward situation..

[norajane]

I would stay out of it...he's not going to take too kindly to his roommates tattling to you, and then you stepping in to confront him. It's not likely that you'd get through to him, either. Alcoholics often have to hit rock bottom before they get help.

 

Perhaps his roommates could suggest that someone in his family start paying attention to what's happening with him.

[ShoeGirl]

Thanks guest and norajane!

 

I have decided not to confrint him at this point, I am however willing to give his roommates advice based on what I know and they don't.

 

Guest-

his roommates are very good friends of his, they have all been friends since 7th grade and are all now almost done with college, they won't be going anywhere anytime soon. If it comes to me confronting him in the future I think (as do his roommates) that I am the most likely to get through to him because he has admitted to me that he has a problem, he denies having a problem to everyone else.