OW insight? She's with my ex now, so why the harassment?

[yellowrose]

I caught my now ex-husband in an affair (again--his 4th) about 4 years ago. 2 years ago we were divorced after very long and painful court proceedings. Things were OK, generally pretty quiet after that. He didn't pay a dime of support and we argued over that, but outside of that no court activity.

 

THEN my daughter came home one day and told me that the former OW, now his fiance, was bragging that she was "setting a trap" for me. My daughter was very upset by this and so was I. The past year and a half have been filled with calls from her, calls from the police, bogus court filings that always get dismissed (but still cost me several hundred dollars a pop to respond to), and a LOT of strife.

 

The long and the short of it is:

 

She had an affair with my now ex-husband. I lost my family, my home, and a lot of peace of mind. She's engaged to him now, living in my former home, playing house with my daughter.

 

So why is she being so aggressive toward ME? I've never done anything to this girl, if anything I've tried (and man was this hard) to extend the olive branch saying, "We're going to be around each other for the next 18 years. It'll be best for everyone involved if we try to be civil." She replied with, "I don't have to do any such thing." and hung up on me.

 

I'm being put through the ringer here and it's not my fault! She got what she wanted and so did he. So why is she acting like this? God I hope she's not jealous! There's no reason to be. I'm engaged now and living with a wonderful guy. Is this some sort of psycho territorial thing? But it's hurting my daughter so much! The least of the trouble is the THOUSANDS of dollars she's costing me in legal fees to fight her off!

 

Why is she doing this? And what's more, why is he going along with it? Why does she hate me so much? I never even met this girl before we were well past our divorce. Yet she comes up to me in the hallway at my daughter's school and SCREAMS at me, "You need to leave!!! You don't belong here!!!"

 

I don't understand.

 

-yr

[Marielle]

I caught my now ex-husband in an affair (again--his 4th) about 4 years ago. 2 years ago we were divorced after very long and painful court proceedings. Things were OK, generally pretty quiet after that. He didn't pay a dime of support and we argued over that, but outside of that no court activity.

 

THEN my daughter came home one day and told me that the former OW, now his fiance, was bragging that she was "setting a trap" for me. My daughter was very upset by this and so was I. The past year and a half have been filled with calls from her, calls from the police, bogus court filings that always get dismissed (but still cost me several hundred dollars a pop to respond to), and a LOT of strife.

 

The long and the short of it is:

 

She had an affair with my now ex-husband. I lost my family, my home, and a lot of peace of mind. She's engaged to him now, living in my former home, playing house with my daughter.

 

So why is she being so aggressive toward ME? I've never done anything to this girl, if anything I've tried (and man was this hard) to extend the olive branch saying, "We're going to be around each other for the next 18 years. It'll be best for everyone involved if we try to be civil." She replied with, "I don't have to do any such thing." and hung up on me.

 

I'm being put through the ringer here and it's not my fault! She got what she wanted and so did he. So why is she acting like this? God I hope she's not jealous! There's no reason to be. I'm engaged now and living with a wonderful guy. Is this some sort of psycho territorial thing? But it's hurting my daughter so much! The least of the trouble is the THOUSANDS of dollars she's costing me in legal fees to fight her off!

 

Why is she doing this? And what's more, why is he going along with it? Why does she hate me so much? I never even met this girl before we were well past our divorce. Yet she comes up to me in the hallway at my daughter's school and SCREAMS at me, "You need to leave!!! You don't belong here!!!"

 

I don't understand.

 

-yr

 

How can she do that??? WHy? I really don't understand, what a horrible situation, that person deserves the worst! She 's crazy...

Great that you found a great guy!

 

All the best for you

[Romeo Must Die]

Ah, She must be sisters with Romeo's OW. I have found that confronting them does absolutely no good, and neither does ignoring them either, for that matter.

 

The OW like this one feel (how shall I put this) entitled to run your life into the ground? Did she help drive your divorce too? Is she territorial? Aggressive? Competitive? Laughing haughty bitch type? Yeah, I understand sweetie. I know the one. Those kind of affair partners are always about the betrayed wife. It's fu*cked up. It's just the way it is. It's a fact that can't be changed. It's absolutely insane.

 

You have your ex-husband to thank for bringing this creature into your life and for giving her a residence in your former marital home. Something tells me though that their engagement is "conditional" on them being together. It wont last. He will not want to have a wife who is mentally insane, he'll quit on her too. It's all just a matter of time. You'll see. She'll do herself in. You just gotta give her enough rope to hang herself.

 

Just remember, now that she is engaged to your ex-husband there is a new vacancy open for her former position.

 

[whichwayisup]

Hopefully your husband will step in and make his soon to be bitchy wife realize that YOU are part of their life forever, and get her to back off, leave you alone. It's crazy and your exH should be aware of what's going on!

 

Your daughter (and I feel for you both here) must be really upset by this. How old is she?

[BenThereDunThat]

"Just remember, now that she is engaged to your ex-husband there is a new vacancy open for her former position."

 

LOVE that quote, RMD.

 

OP, I'm sorry you're going through that and even sorrier that your exH would even think about being with such a heartless, petty, INSECURE woman.

 

Anyone who acts that way has some deep, deep insecurity issues that the average person can't even begin to comprehend. In my experience, women who act this way have some major Daddy issues. Not always the case, I know, but something to think about.

 

There's no joy in getting "one over on someone." That's not LOVE, that's not COMMITMENT. That's an illness.

[Ladyjane14]

You're looking for OW insight and although I can't help you with that.... I'm thinking what you're dealing with is probably symptomatic of insecurity in the affair couple. Most of these things go 'BOOM' within the first few years you know.

 

When all is said and done, alot of these affair couples really aren't all that happy together. Usually they don't have as much in common as they originally thought, and then of course... REAL LIFE starts intruding. There are bills to pay and laundry to do, just like in any other domestic arrangement.

 

The excitement is gone.

 

Unbeknownst to you.... YOU were the one providing it. You were the glue that held them together. Presenting them with a common foe gave them a tandem goal to strive for. It provided them with a sense of unity. They were two underdogs against the world, two soldiers at war.

 

All that's gone now. That is, unless they periodically start some sh*t with you. Without YOU... they only have each other to deal with.

 

Peacetime sucks I guess.

[NoIDidn't]

LJ, once again a great post. Man, what can I do to be like you!

 

To the OP: did you lose custody of your daughter, or do you have joint custody. Maybe therapy for her is in order, 'cause this situation is likely to cause her some serious trust issues later in life.

 

I will I could offer you more, other than this ((yellowrose)). I really dislike drama queens. Drama queens suck.

[frannie]

I'm sorry, I am clueless on this one.

 

I may be an OW, but I have no idea about some other kinds of nutty behaviour.

 

One thing I'm concerned about: your daughter... is she young, I assume from your 18-year comment..? What is going on with the exOW getting her involved like this, and as you say, why is your exH allowing it? Something seems very odd here. When she said 'setting a trap' is this some kind of threat? I really hate it when people get children involved. Does he have custody? There's not enough information here...

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why is she doing this?

Why does she hate me so much?

 

Because she is threatened by your position - you were the legitimate wife, she was simply the OW who ended up with someone else's husband. She probably deep down feels that no one will ever see her the way that they saw you. She feels deep down that people will never see her as anything but the OW who took someone else's life away from them. She fears that she will never truly be 'mother' to your daughter, she will never truly be 'wife' to your ex, she will never truly be 'daughter in law' to your ex's parents: she probably feels she will always just be seen as the "second best whore" who bottom fed her way into someone else's marriage and took what was rightly someone else's.

 

Is she really those things? Who knows? What matters is that it is what she fears that other people think about her - and fear is a powerful thing. Look at what she ended up with: a fiance who is a serial cheater. If you were entering a relationship with someone who you KNOW is a cheater, wouldn't you be scared too? She's afraid of people's perceptions of her. She is afraid of her future. Her fear takes the form of anger.

 

Its not good enough that she ended up with the leftovers - she wants to actually erase you - make it so that you never happened. It frustrates and angers her that she can't do that - so she turns her anger and frustration onto the one person who she can never be: you.

[puddleofmud]

How disturbing! So sorry your child is going through this!

I feel everyone is right on the dime about this one--YOU are the one on the pedestal and this person will never feel loved (due their own so called "issues") which should not have to be your problem. But since you have a child involved:

I can only give some personal advice here:

There is no reasoning with a disturbed individual--nothing you do/say will make any thing better. Who knows or can understand what a crazy person does or why? That is why it's called "crazy".

There is little your ex can do to control this, either, other than run for the proverbial hills..and you can't control his reactions.

Thus, you must be the "rock" of sanity for yourself and your child. Children are not stupid--they know where and when to place their trust.

Other, than that--guess all you could do is find some legal help possibly using your child's teachers at the school where this has been witnessed or anything else that provides "ammunition"?

Be the CALM party and don't engage in the "crazy".

Probably much easier said than done so hang in there, sweetheart!

[yellowrose]

Its not good enough that she ended up with the leftovers - she wants to actually erase you - make it so that you never happened. It frustrates and angers her that she can't do that - so she turns her anger and frustration onto the one person who she can never be: you.

 

Oh my GOSH you guys are good. This comment really rang with me though. This is exactly what I've been feeling. -That she wants to erase me.

 

I put this post up a while ago and got just so swamped at work that I haven't had a chance to check back in. Thank you all so much for your funny and insightful feedback. I do feel much better.

 

I guess the long and the short of it is that I just have to hang in there and pay as little attention to it all as possible.

 

Some more info-- We have joint custody, the OW is about 27-28 (I'm in my mid-late 30's).

 

She's got to be feeling very insecure. I know I would. How could you not?

 

Thank you all again!

 

-yr

[whichwayisup]

Rise above it. She's obviously having insecure moments and she may have her own trust issues with him. How could she not seeing as how they got together? Maybe she thinks he'll cheat on her...

 

Kill her with kindness...Don't be her friend, but definately DO NOT let her know what she is doing pisses you off or upsets you. Eventually she has to take it down a notch and cool down. Especially because of your kids, you WILL be in her life forever.

 

What is your exH doing about this though? He needs to take bull by the horns here and get her to see that YOUR CHILD comes first, so she has to stop doing what she's doing to you. It's not healthy nor is it fair for your child.

[yellowrose]

What is your exH doing about this though? He needs to take bull by the horns here and get her to see that YOUR CHILD comes first, so she has to stop doing what she's doing to you. It's not healthy nor is it fair for your child.

 

He's the one executing all of this crap. Left on his own, he's a jerk but a semi-passive one. Her uncle is a lawyer, so she's been turning the knife in the Ex's back to keep filing all of these bogus motions that keep getting dismissed.

 

She's the one who has the real issue with me and he goes along with it because they're united in their cause. The two of them against me, the evil ex-wife. (???)

 

That's a sad, sad thing to be the foundation of their relationship. I can tell you one thing, my fiance and I don't sit around thinking of ways to screw with my ex!

 

The only thing I'm doing today though is laying on the couch nursing the flu.

:::achoo!:::

 

Ugh.

 

Hope all of you are healthy and snot-free!

 

-yr

[Meredith63]

"The man who marries his mistress leaves a vacancy for that position."

 

Based upon that quote, as an XOW I am hesitant to post a reply to you, especially if that is really the way you feel. But - ignoring that....

 

Clearly the woman is either not happy, not satisfied or feels insecure (probably all three).

 

I've been married to my xMM for many years now, his XW is of no consequence to either one of us. She doesn't give us any trouble, we certainly don't give her any. I am happy, living my life with the man I love and not interested in anyone outside of he and I.

 

That being said, living well IS the best revenge. Obviously "your OW" has problems. Is there really just no way to ignore what is happening? You've said the police have been involved? It's just hard to imagine what really could be happening that she has the grounds to call the police and you need to spend money to defend yourself...

 

Not doubting your story, but - is there no way to just set a good example for your daughter and rise above it/her?

[yellowrose]

On my birthday she went into a police station and told them I had been calling her and threatening her. They called me and when I asked what exactly she had provided them with to warrant such a call, they said nothing-that they called as a courtesy. I said, "Precisely" and asked them if they found it at all cooincidental that they were calling me at 5:30 on my birthday on behalf of my ex-husband's girlfriend and he apologized.

 

It's stuff like that. She's essentially stopped now because she's run out of cops to believe her. Now she just waits for me by my car after school functions and screams at me that I don't belong there and no one wants me there. Big scene in front of a bunch of new kindergarten parents. Completely white trash and incredibly embarassing. She's 10 years younger than I am but even at her age I wouln't have acted this way.

 

He files frivilous motions with regard to our parenting agreement that always get dismissed, but they're expensive to respond to - and if you've ever gone through this stuff you know you don't have a choice, you have to respond. -At around $600-$1000 a pop. I'm on about the 8th motion in the past year and just praying that the judge is going to pop him on this nonsense soon. He fills the paperwork out himself, but I have to pay a lawyer to respond. Then the judge dismisses the motion because they're without merit. Stuff like, "She won't tell me who our daughter's doctor is." but he enrolled her in school and had to have taken her to the doctor to get her enrollment exam. It's just crap like that over and over and over.

 

I haven't filed a single motion against him even though he hasn't paid a dime for any of our daughter's daycare, health insurance, or expenses in nearly 2 years. Why? Because I want to be left alone to enjoy my life.

 

Oh yes, it's good to be the ex-wife.

 

-yr

[Karma24]

I haven't filed a single motion against him even though he hasn't paid a dime for any of our daughter's daycare, health insurance, or expenses in nearly 2 years. Why? Because I want to be left alone to enjoy my life.

 

 

But you AREN'T being left alone! I would be going after the MF for the daycare, insurance, and expenses.

 

Time to start getting dirty with the people spreading the dirt.

[coo coo ca choo]

I am an ex-OW and would never ever do anything like what is happening to you. This behaviour is disgusting, immature and completely destructive for you and for her. My ex asked me to marry him, I said no, he's gone crawling back to his wife because he is afraid to be alone. His wife is now calling me, my work and I think put a nail in my car tyre. I have gone to the police and am considering charges and/or a restraining order. When the police called her, she claimed I had been calling her (not true - don't know her number!) and was speaking to her husband (true - he's calling me). So it's kind of similar (but not so severe). I can't give you an insight as an OW doing the same thing, but I can give you some insight as someone who is going through something similar and is taking action. The worst thing is the sense of powerlessness. All this stuff is happening to you and you can try and extend the olive branch, you can try and be the big person and do the right thing for the kids, but there will be no reasoning with her.

 

What she is doing to you is harrassment (as you say), stalking and intimidation. A couple of things:-

 

* The bogus court actions, the fake allegations to the police are a serious form of intimidation, seem to be intended, as one poster said, to "erase" you from the life she wants with your ex and (perhaps) your daughter.

* Similarly, the phone calls, the waiting by your car are another form of intimidation. The yelling in public is designed to make you back off - and I would suggest remaining CALM, not responding and doing what you need to do.

* You have joint custody of your daughter. As her mother, you have an equal (if not greater) right to be a part of her life than your ex. The OW is not the mother of your daughter and has absolutely no right to be asserting any superior parental rights or any right above you to be present at her school.

 

However, I think you should begin to take some action for yourself and for the sake of your daughter. This behaviour is extremely serious and is obviously causing you great distress. I would suggest first of all going to the police and discussing what potential action you could take to prevent this behaviour. I suggest that you begin a sort of journal detailing the times she has called, what she has said to you, the times she has stood outside your car waiting for you, the times she has screamed at you in public and present that to the police in due course. Perhaps if she sees that you are serious, she will think twice before she acts like that again.

 

I also think that you should go to court or get your lawyer to write a letter at first instance to enforce the parenting agreement - namely that your ex pay the support the agreement requires him to do. Too many men don't pay child support, leaving their ex's with a burden that they may not be able to handle. I would also seek to change the parenting agreement because obviously the arrangement with your ex's fiance is potentially destructive for your daughter. As for the filing of bogus motions - if the OW's uncle, a lawyer, has assisted or acted on their behalf - this is a conflict of interest on account of his relationship with the OW and also a breach of his duties as a lawyer. If he is a part of this, he is wasting the court's time in an already clogged area of law.

 

At the end of the day, who cares if she is insecure, who cares if she is jealous - because that is her problem to deal with, not yours and certainly not your daughter's. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter. As for your ex-husband, passive aggressive is right word to describe him and he certainly is not the one calling the shots. If he is not prepared to stand up to his fiance in the interest of his family - which is always going to include you and your daughter.