Lostandfound Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Something I have been thinking about, and trying to fathom out reading some of the posts on here, the above question. Now i know its situation specific, and of course this is not meant to be sexist, at all. The other thing, is NC, does it work in other cultures, for example in non english speaking countries, and non christian , non catholic environments, or has anyone had a relationship with someone where either party does not speak fluently the language of the other, for eg, one is french and one is english, neither speak the opposite language brilliantly, but enought to communicate but willing to improve Of course the other thing to consider, is the fact that there millions and millions and millions of people who break up in the world, and get back together again and have not even read this web site, or even thought about NC, or dont even know what it is. Of course the other thing to cosider is the reason for the break up, I have ran a little mental survey on here, and found that the majority of our female friends on here, have ended a relationship, but have also on some ocassions got back on talking terms at least, where as we have out male friends who have been dumped, and the ex wants nothing to do with them, There must be something in this. Debate, please?
insomnie Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I've been wondering about all this as well, espeically about the gender differences regarding second chances. Maybe I am wrong, but it seems, judging by a lot of these threads, that women that get NC'ed by their exboyfriends become curious faster, and are more likely to be "mainpulated" into coming back. I've yet to read a thread where the girl goes NC and the guy become curious, contacts her again, and eventually comes begging for a second chance, but I would LOVE to be wrong about that. Would love to hear more opinions.
lorr Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Hey how you doin? This should be an interesting debate:laugh: Wow where do I start?I'm just going to add my 2p First of all this is my opinion and I don't want to offend anyone. But I think it stems down to the fact that when a woman gets dumped or does the dumping (although we may not realise it) we tend to have better coping strategies.We tend not to bottle things up, meaning that we are just emotionally expressive and in touch with our feelings.Our reaction is to lean quite heavily on family/friends basically whoever will listen and talk to those about how we feel and what we feel about the ex. Once the pain and hurt is out of our systems we'll find that we are able to move on more quickly. We even look alot better after a breakup, and as we start feeling better about ourselves our confidence improves dramatically. We then start finding ways of experimenting with our image(new hairstyle,new wardrobe, and a whole new social network of friends). I can't speak for all men, but I think some men have a harder time dealing with a breakup, and have trouble keeping it together.I don't think you'll find alot of men who will get together with their friends,where they will cry, scream,bitch and do anything to let it all out(which is common amongst women). Men tend to throw themselves into work or try to do anything to get their minds of the breakup, and are better at hiding how they feel. As opposed to when some women dump men, she may give you obvious messages and signals that she is not happy in the relationship and when she expresses her feelings and concerns many a time a guy will just miss them.The woman starts to get angry and resentful and by then its too late and she will want out.In this aspect the man did not see it coming even though the writings were on the wall. ** Just to stress again that what I've posted is entirely my opinion, and is not to cause offense or upset to anyone**
Distracted Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Well, as it has been repeatedly on this site, NC is not a magic tonic- and if it’s being used solely to win the ex back whether that ex is a he or she- it often leads to disappointed because it doesn’t “work”. However what NC is suppose to do has more to do with personal dignity, healing and moving on and not manipulation. But in a more light hearted intellectual spirit… If NC is being used to manipulate an ex (even with good intentions), I think it works better on girls. We are predisposed to need to talk things out more than men and we have a stronger need to know what is going on in the lives of those around us. If we continue talking to the ex- and he tells us what is going on in his life all the time… we aren’t losing that aspect of the relationship. If we see him we can judge how he is doing without us and we don’t wonder about it. If that person is still part of our lives and either he doesn’t seem too upset about the split… then he didn’t really care about us in the first place… or if he is needy and clingy and we run away screaming. But if he walks away from us, he seems more confident and alluring- we wonder how he is doing, has he moved on, did we do the right thing, etc. With men I think there is more of an element of out of sight out of mind- they are better at compartmentalizing than women. If he never sees us or has contact with us, he doesn’t see how well we are doing without him and how desirable we still are… so a combination of mostly NC, occasional sightings, and the appearance of interest by other men (not in a slutty way though), is a more effective manipulator of men than pure NC. That being said… manipulating someone into wanting you back is certainly not a sure fire solution to getting back together for more than a night or two. From my experience what truly causes the second chance is based on is recognition by both parties that breaking up was a mistake- not because one party played head games. A few years ago a guy broke up with me after 9 months together and we did not speak or see each other for 3 months. After 3 months I was well on my way to healing but I got a new job- one that he had been really supportive of me getting, and I felt like reaching out and letting him know. He responded instantly to my e-mail… asked me to lunch… we had a few more dates and we ended up back together for a year and half. Of course because we never worked on the issues that broke us apart the first time so we were doomed to repeat them but the point is merely based on this experience, I will say that if I had maintained NC with him, he would have assumed that I didn’t want to see or hear from him ever again and that I had moved on. And he was absolutely miserable during those 3 months, so I don't care how much he realize he loved me... there are lot of people out there who will assume they are hated by you and not chance being hurt and rejected by contacting you. So breaking NC may be a needed thing as much as keeping it up… but with the warning that if your attempts to reach out are rejected it will set you back several weeks in the healing process.
Speedo Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 As opposed to when some women dump men, she may give you obvious messages and signals that she is not happy in the relationship and when she expresses her feelings and concerns many a time a guy will just miss them.The woman starts to get angry and resentful and by then its too late and she will want out.In this aspect the man did not see it coming even though the writings were on the wall. Good Lord...this is right on the money about women. The problem is that these "obvious messages and signals" most of the time are not so fricken obvious. Girls can yap to their friends about all of the insecurities, dislikes and problems with their bf to their girlfriends, but rarely will they sit the bf down and explain their situation...until just like you said. It's too late. Why do girls allow these things to fester and "hint" at things instead of coming right out and saying it? Guys typically will tell you straight up "I don't like this or that." We get it out of the way on a case by case basis. I've noticed that girls will wait until they can't take it any longer and then spring every little detail of things we've done/haven't done all at once. (to a shocked boyfriend who had no idea I might add.) Obviously this isn't EVERY case, but I find this to be typical. My advice to girls is to not assume that we're picking up on all of the "hints." If your'e not hitting us over the head with a hammer we probably arent realizing the severity of your issues.
climbergirl Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 If your'e not hitting us over the head with a hammer we probably arent realizing the severity of your issues. That's the problem. It (whatever it is) does bother us, but we try to bring it up in a diplomatic way....and the delivery may be too obscure where our bf doesn't think it's that *serious*. If any woman says, "this bothers me", take it seriously..........she's not f*cking kidding! A lot of men tend to bring up issues during an argument, which can be blown off by a woman as a statement just 'said in anger'.
Speedo Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 If any woman says, "this bothers me", take it seriously..........she's not f*cking kidding! quote] Hmm...I learned this the hard way. But I do wish the "diplomatic" approach was a little more convincing. I think us guys only take it as seriously as it is presented. So, if something is really bothering a girl, she may not present it to us in a way that makes us realize the severity of it. Everybody gets a little bugged here and there, but if it's something serious, it should be presented as "I'm not ****ing around.
funkify Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I've been wondering about all this as well, espeically about the gender differences regarding second chances. Maybe I am wrong, but it seems, judging by a lot of these threads, that women that get NC'ed by their exboyfriends become curious faster, and are more likely to be "mainpulated" into coming back. I've yet to read a thread where the girl goes NC and the guy become curious, contacts her again, and eventually comes begging for a second chance, but I would LOVE to be wrong about that. Would love to hear more opinions. Yes, first time I broke up with my ex he came literally begging back even though he knew I was seeing someone else at the time. Needless to say, it eventually worked bc he promised to change and we got back together. He didn't change all that much though so the rship was on and off for a while but the other times I broke it off he didn't beg me anymore.
funkify Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 As opposed to when some women dump men, she may give you obvious messages and signals that she is not happy in the relationship and when she expresses her feelings and concerns many a time a guy will just miss them.The woman starts to get angry and resentful and by then its too late and she will want out.In this aspect the man did not see it coming even though the writings were on the wall. SO SO true! I actually told my ex numerous times of things that bothered me and even mentioned, "I can't take this anymore" "My patience is ending" thinking they were pretty clear hints that if he didn't change quickly he was going to get dumped. After we broke up he told me "I didn't think you were serious/it bothered you that much". What the?
SuziwithaQ Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I was talking to a girl at work about my situation. She and her guy were going through some rocky times. He told here he just didn't know if he was ready for the relationship and what was to come next, etc. Didn't know if he could fully commit (eerily close to my current situation). She broke up with him. Told him not to contact her. She wouldn't answer calls, etc. Eventually, he convinced her to talk to him again--he had realized his big mistake and now their engaged. Like Insomnie, I am hopeful that this strategy would work, but I realize that if I do go NC I have to really be prepared to let him go--I never thought of it as manipulation, but I guess those of you who express that have a point. If you go NC--be prepared for the end. If he doesn't come back, I will heal--but if he does, then he came there really wanting the relationship. I may or may not want him back at that point I guess, but right now I hope that things will work out between us. Good debate.
notmakingsense Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Well, as it has been repeatedly on this site, NC is not a magic tonic- and if it’s being used solely to win the ex back whether that ex is a he or she- it often leads to disappointed because it doesn’t “work”. However what NC is suppose to do has more to do with personal dignity, healing and moving on and not manipulation. But in a more light hearted intellectual spirit… If NC is being used to manipulate an ex (even with good intentions), I think it works better on girls. We are predisposed to need to talk things out more than men and we have a stronger need to know what is going on in the lives of those around us. If we continue talking to the ex- and he tells us what is going on in his life all the time… we aren’t losing that aspect of the relationship. If we see him we can judge how he is doing without us and we don’t wonder about it. If that person is still part of our lives and either he doesn’t seem too upset about the split… then he didn’t really care about us in the first place… or if he is needy and clingy and we run away screaming. But if he walks away from us, he seems more confident and alluring- we wonder how he is doing, has he moved on, did we do the right thing, etc. With men I think there is more of an element of out of sight out of mind- they are better at compartmentalizing than women. If he never sees us or has contact with us, he doesn’t see how well we are doing without him and how desirable we still are… so a combination of mostly NC, occasional sightings, and the appearance of interest by other men (not in a slutty way though), is a more effective manipulator of men than pure NC. That being said… manipulating someone into wanting you back is certainly not a sure fire solution to getting back together for more than a night or two. From my experience what truly causes the second chance is based on is recognition by both parties that breaking up was a mistake- not because one party played head games. A few years ago a guy broke up with me after 9 months together and we did not speak or see each other for 3 months. After 3 months I was well on my way to healing but I got a new job- one that he had been really supportive of me getting, and I felt like reaching out and letting him know. He responded instantly to my e-mail… asked me to lunch… we had a few more dates and we ended up back together for a year and half. Of course because we never worked on the issues that broke us apart the first time so we were doomed to repeat them but the point is merely based on this experience, I will say that if I had maintained NC with him, he would have assumed that I didn’t want to see or hear from him ever again and that I had moved on. And he was absolutely miserable during those 3 months, so I don't care how much he realize he loved me... there are lot of people out there who will assume they are hated by you and not chance being hurt and rejected by contacting you. So breaking NC may be a needed thing as much as keeping it up… but with the warning that if your attempts to reach out are rejected it will set you back several weeks in the healing process. Spot on Distracted! I couldn't have summed up my opinion on this better.
cuddles4u Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 interesting post:p distracted covered most of it! I think it depends on the individual, feelings, experiences, the list goes on
Fun2BMe Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I think on the whole men tend to be more forgiving so when a girl does NC to a man, although he is able to move on faster and get over the ex, should she contact him he is open to talking and 'breaking' NC. Women get hurt more deeply (ok, even if it's even w/ men) and if she is not talking to a boy, it is less likely for her to do so should he contact her. He has to demonstrate how sorry he is to convince her that he is 'safe' to talk to again. Plus she has been 'brainwashed' by all her friends to avoid him like the plague.
Guest Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Hey how you doin? This should be an interesting debate:laugh: Wow where do I start?I'm just going to add my 2p First of all this is my opinion and I don't want to offend anyone. But I think it stems down to the fact that when a woman gets dumped or does the dumping (although we may not realise it) we tend to have better coping strategies.We tend not to bottle things up, meaning that we are just emotionally expressive and in touch with our feelings.Our reaction is to lean quite heavily on family/friends basically whoever will listen and talk to those about how we feel and what we feel about the ex. Once the pain and hurt is out of our systems we'll find that we are able to move on more quickly. We even look alot better after a breakup, and as we start feeling better about ourselves our confidence improves dramatically. We then start finding ways of experimenting with our image(new hairstyle,new wardrobe, and a whole new social network of friends). I can't speak for all men, but I think some men have a harder time dealing with a breakup, and have trouble keeping it together.I don't think you'll find alot of men who will get together with their friends,where they will cry, scream,bitch and do anything to let it all out(which is common amongst women). Men tend to throw themselves into work or try to do anything to get their minds of the breakup, and are better at hiding how they feel. As opposed to when some women dump men, she may give you obvious messages and signals that she is not happy in the relationship and when she expresses her feelings and concerns many a time a guy will just miss them.The woman starts to get angry and resentful and by then its too late and she will want out.In this aspect the man did not see it coming even though the writings were on the wall. ** Just to stress again that what I've posted is entirely my opinion, and is not to cause offense or upset to anyone** I TOTALLY AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAID!!!!!!
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