NoIDidn't Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I will probably get flamed for this, but here goes anyway. I think that a lot of the draw of a MM is the fact that he is already M, meaning he's not a commitment-phobe. Counterintuitive maybe, but he did get M once, maybe he will do it again if the next woman makes a better W. Before I got M, I used to think something along these lines. Many of my friends have had this conversation and it seems they felt the same, up until too got M. Anyone else have an opinion on this?
Freedom Now Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Well, I am a different breed, so I would disagree with that statement in regards to MY life. I found it decidedly INconvenient when I found out he was married. Bummer.... and I thought he was THE ONE. Bummer....
Author NoIDidn't Posted January 10, 2007 Author Posted January 10, 2007 Thanks FN. I needed to edit the post to say "until they too got married". But the forum only allows for edits to the last post on a thread. Bummer.... LOL!
Touche Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I will probably get flamed for this, but here goes anyway. I think that a lot of the draw of a MM is the fact that he is already M, meaning he's not a commitment-phobe. Counterintuitive maybe, but he did get M once, maybe he will do it again if the next woman makes a better W. Before I got M, I used to think something along these lines. Many of my friends have had this conversation and it seems they felt the same, up until too got M. Anyone else have an opinion on this? If the next woman makes a better wife? Yeah, that's why most of them cheat because their wives aren't good enough. And how will he know that the woman he's cheating with will make a better wife than the last one? And wouldn't it be the right thing to do for the man to separate and divorce BEFORE finding his next wife? Why do so many women think these guys are such catches?
travellingman Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 And how will he know that the woman he's cheating with will make a better wife than the last one? Touche! How ya been! Reality is that a large number of men just aren't suited for lifetime commitments.
Touche Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Touche! How ya been! Reality is that a large number of men just aren't suited for lifetime commitments. Hey, TM! Good to see you again. So what's this about a "large number" of men aren't suited for lifetime commitments? Speak for yourself! Seriously though, I don't know about that. Every b/f I've ever had wanted marriage (not necessarily with ME (lol) but..). And they were all loyal...so I don't know about that. That's been MY experience though. From what I've been seeing on LS I haven't had the typical experience in life..either that or people who have had similar experiences with men just don't post on here?
Romeo Must Die Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Is this a trick question? I think I hear game show music playing in the background. da da da da... da ta da...
Touche Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Is this a trick question? I think I hear game show music playing in the background. da da da da... da ta da... Uhm...what's the question again?
pricillia Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Uck... LOL If a MM approached me It will really gross me out, there is no allure in this at all. There is this guy at work and everyone loves him, he is new, and married... he drools over all the girls, not sure if anyone else notices but I do, the way he flirts ect, bordering on sexual harrassment. He comes on to me just a little too much, I would like to punch him in the face, but I just try to avoid him... Has anyone ever seen a sexual harrassment video... the guy who has no clue what he is doing well that is what he reminds me of. Women do not look for this type of relationship, at least I didn't
Touche Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Uck... LOL If a MM approached me It will really gross me out, there is no allure in this at all. There is this guy at work and everyone loves him, he is new, and married... he drools over all the girls, not sure if anyone else notices but I do, the way he flirts ect, bordering on sexual harrassment. He comes on to me just a little too much, I would like to punch him in the face, but I just try to avoid him... Has anyone ever seen a sexual harrassment video... the guy who has no clue what he is doing well that is what he reminds me of. Women do not look for this type of relationship, at least I didn't Sadly though, many do. Many women "get off" on the flattery and the attention...no matter what the marital status of the man.
pricillia Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Sadly though, many do. Many women "get off" on the flattery and the attention...no matter what the marital status of the man. I know some do look for this no matter what... I think they are called attention whores, not being mean just saying that they always need the attention of all the men in a room, married or not. They may see it as a challenge to see if they can actually get what they want. For me I hate the flattery and attention unless it is from someone that I feel the same way about, and for me that takes time. I get an impression right off the bat if someone is just trying a little to hard... We know what your intentions are..it is annoying and frustrating. For instance he im's me every morning, I reply nicely but today I just ignored him, he does not say anything over im's that would be considered troublesome but he is too touchy feely... SO F*****G ANNOYING... THERE ARE MEN THAT JUST CROSS THE LINE... PISSES ME OFF!
Touche Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I know some do look for this no matter what... I think they are called attention whores, not being mean just saying that they always need the attention of all the men in a room, married or not. They may see it as a challenge to see if they can actually get what they want. For me I hate the flattery and attention unless it is from someone that I feel the same way about, and for me that takes time. I get an impression right off the bat if someone is just trying a little to hard... We know what your intentions are..it is annoying and frustrating. For instance he im's me every morning, I reply nicely but today I just ignored him, he does not say anything over im's that would be considered troublesome but he is too touchy feely... SO F*****G ANNOYING... THERE ARE MEN THAT JUST CROSS THE LINE... PISSES ME OFF! Wow, what a change in attitude, P! Where did THAT come from? You know what though? Your anger is a GOOD thing. It means you're on your way to getting over him and on your way to true healing. And guess what else? You're on your way to being open and emotionally available for a man who will want YOU and not other. And I think you deserve nothing less.
pricillia Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Wow, what a change in attitude, P! Where did THAT come from? You know what though? Your anger is a GOOD thing. It means you're on your way to getting over him and on your way to true healing. And guess what else? You're on your way to being open and emotionally available for a man who will want YOU and not other. And I think you deserve nothing less. There is no change in attitude Touch, I have never appreciated any advances that were creepy. This is from a MM at work, my day time job... this has nothing to do with the current MM situation... I became friends with current MM first and he never layed a hand on me. ( his situation with me is different) In no way am I interested in a MM in general and MM who flirt with women and think that it is welcome it is not... grrrr give me a break... This guy is nice but let me tell you he crosses the line, too touchy feely and he looks me up and down like I am a peice of meat... Married or not I do not like the unwanted advances, if a man wants to get to know me they have to be friends first, and it has to be genuine. Wait let be rephrase that If a man wants to get to know me the above sentance implies that I would want to be with a MM but that is not what I meant. What I am saying is oh what the heck who knows what I am saying do not mean to thread jack, just an experience I have been having at work that is really starting to get to me.
Touche Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I'm really sorry that I didn't articulate what I wanted to say in a clear manner. I never meant to imply that you welcomed the advances of MM. I said that many women do though. I didn't ever say that you did, P. I know you don't. Heck, you didn't even know that the one you're trying to extracate yourself from now was married when you met him! So, GRRR back to you! And we all know what you're saying. You want the "real deal." A man who is interested in you for YOU. And that means for all of you. Not your body or just your looks. Not as a "piece on the side." We know what you mean. What women would want anything less than that, right?
pricillia Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I'm really sorry that I didn't articulate what I wanted to say in a clear manner. I never meant to imply that you welcomed the advances of MM. I said that many women do though. I didn't ever say that you did, P. I know you don't. Heck, you didn't even know that the one you're trying to extracate yourself from now was married when you met him! So, GRRR back to you! And we all know what you're saying. You want the "real deal." A man who is interested in you for YOU. And that means for all of you. Not your body or just your looks. Not as a "piece on the side." We know what you mean. What women would want anything less than that, right? right... In general I usually don't go looking, I am friendly and warm, but I guess men in general lately are starting to bug me... not all just certian types. I am not grrring at you just feeling very emotional right now. sorry continue with original posting...
Touche Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 right... In general I usually don't go looking, I am friendly and warm, but I guess men in general lately are starting to bug me... not all just certian types. I am not grrring at you just feeling very emotional right now. sorry continue with original posting... Hey, I know the feeling regarding men starting to bug you! Sorry, you're not feeling like yourself, P. Why not start a thread and vent about it a bit? I'm sure you'll find lots of support here. Try not to get too down, ok? It's all uphill from here, you know?
silktricks Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I don't agree that the draw is that they are not a commitment phobe - based only upon my own experience. When I was an OW (many many moons ago), I was drawn to a married man because I knew he was not available. In other words, I was the commitment phobe. I don't think there is ANY one shoe fits all description. Each case is separate, and has its own reasons.
Author NoIDidn't Posted January 11, 2007 Author Posted January 11, 2007 I don't agree that the draw is that they are not a commitment phobe - based only upon my own experience. When I was an OW (many many moons ago), I was drawn to a married man because I knew he was not available. In other words, I was the commitment phobe. I don't think there is ANY one shoe fits all description. Each case is separate, and has its own reasons. This thread took a totally different tone, but I understand that happens. Thanks for answering the question. And I agree 100%. I would date guys just to say I was, but I didn't want a commitment. And unavailable guys fit the bill, even though I usually didn't know up front that they were already in a committed relationship (not married, but committed). I also think I used to fit the "attention whore" label, though nobody ever called me that to my face. I loved male attention, but I didn't want anything beyond that. But I was young. Thank G-d, I'm not that person anymore. Well, at least not most days.
Touche Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 This thread took a totally different tone, but I understand that happens. Thanks for answering the question. And I agree 100%. I would date guys just to say I was, but I didn't want a commitment. And unavailable guys fit the bill, even though I usually didn't know up front that they were already in a committed relationship (not married, but committed). I also think I used to fit the "attention whore" label, though nobody ever called me that to my face. I loved male attention, but I didn't want anything beyond that. But I was young. Thank G-d, I'm not that person anymore. Well, at least not most days. Wow, I can really respect (and I must admit, relate somewhat) to this kind of honesty. I admire you for knowing, and acknowleging, your weaknesses.
frannie Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I think that a lot of the draw of a MM is the fact that he is already M, meaning he's not a commitment-phobe. Counterintuitive maybe, but he did get M once, maybe he will do it again if the next woman makes a better W. Before I got M, I used to think something along these lines. Many of my friends have had this conversation and it seems they felt the same, up until too got M. Anyone else have an opinion on this? Hmm... well whenever I'm approached by a married man I just think: yuk... you're serious about this??? I don't think the kind of person who gets married and then trawls about for women to mess around with is any kind of person I'd want to spend time with. Nothing about it says 'commitment'... rather the opposite. But you weren't exactly talking about that, I suppose... but the fact that a particular man who you like and get on with and in all other respects seems like a person you'd like to spend a lifetime with IS ALSO married... and let me admit this, then. Yes, I did feel slightly like that: that he's gone through with it, and tried, however badly, to make a go of marriage in a time when it's not necessarily the expected thing to do (I'm in the UK). That has to say something for him that's positive. But it's not really 'part of the draw' as you put it... just something positive, along with a lot of other qualities.
BlueEyedGirl Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 For me, I'm not drawn to MM at all it's just that the man I'm so into happens to be married. I remember when I first met MM, I was going along to a job interview. I looked up the company website and the names and profiles of panel of people that were going to interview me. One of them was MM and I was instantly drawn to his little picture. The weird thing is, he is barely average looking, but there was just something about him. The first thing I thought was "I hope he isn't married!" Then my interview got canceled because his wife was sick and he had to go home. I got a sinking feeling when I heard about the wife. So being married was nothing but a HUGEEEEEEE minus.
Author NoIDidn't Posted January 11, 2007 Author Posted January 11, 2007 Hmm... well whenever I'm approached by a married man I just think: yuk... you're serious about this??? I don't think the kind of person who gets married and then trawls about for women to mess around with is any kind of person I'd want to spend time with. Nothing about it says 'commitment'... rather the opposite. But you weren't exactly talking about that, I suppose... but the fact that a particular man who you like and get on with and in all other respects seems like a person you'd like to spend a lifetime with IS ALSO married... and let me admit this, then. Yes, I did feel slightly like that: that he's gone through with it, and tried, however badly, to make a go of marriage in a time when it's not necessarily the expected thing to do (I'm in the UK). That has to say something for him that's positive. But it's not really 'part of the draw' as you put it... just something positive, along with a lot of other qualities. Thanks frannie, This is exactly the situation that I am talking about. When I first got married and returned to work after being out for it, the first person to hit on me was a married guy. I was like....EEEWWWWWWW! That's just nasty. When you know that the guy hitting on you, you have no prior relationship with, is married, it's gross. And, thanks for your honesty. One of the draws for me to my now H, was that he wasn't afraid of lifetime commitment. A married guy represents that to many.
riobikini Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Re: NoIDidn't: " I think that a lot of the draw of a MM is the fact that he is already M.." Actually, I think you are more correct than you may realize. The view that marriage conjures up in the mind of someone seeking to "touch base" or have some kind of contact with things like stability, responsibility, and a feeling of the kind of stereotypical contentment related to marriage is one side of the attraction. An attraction to those things that they may not even conciously realize they are seeking. And though that attraction is a strong one, instead, on the more apparrent surface they form a kind of addiction to the thrill of the fantasical drama and the continuous emotional diet derived from the relationship. That serves as the "instant gratification" factor often attributed to addictions -either those beginning, or those existing for a long time. But they were predisposed. Something, somewhere, at sometime -found in the logs of their background experiences- set them up for this vulnerability. So even strong people with higher moral standards are not immune if the experiences are hidden there. Developing those tendancies and patterns -allowing them to grow or take over- start to direct important actions, decisions, emotions, and become routine. This is where denial is born. And it only grows. This induces, facilitates, and promotes a flawed mal-directed adjusted mental concept wherein facts are rationalized, previously sound ideals and higher standards are willingly compromised and generally creates just the right environment for such a relationship so it can be personally accepted and survive: a relationship where there are virtually no boundaries, malformed or contradictory morals, and personal standards are further damaged, lessened, compromised. I personally believe that how critically someone can be affected (sucked in to the scene of these kinds of relationships) really depends on the length of time they have lived in the pattern, how deeply embedded the tendancies/patterns are, and how long certain predisposing issues making them vulnerable have existed, and been undealt with. And of course, the mere factor of denial (as well as naughty pride) is certainly strong enough to scoff this explaination. (Smile) Take care. -Rio
Author NoIDidn't Posted January 11, 2007 Author Posted January 11, 2007 Hey Rio!!! Thanks for gracing this thread with your much appreciated opinion. I think you hit on the nail for why I thought that way. But I have to thank my mom for the stability she offered in a parental relationship vs. my dad. I wanted that male attention, that man that was able to make a commitment to someone indefinitely attention. And I got it too. From some guy who was a player just like dad. Even dad noticed and became more active in my life before it got out of hand (at 14, thank G-d for that too). I think some people can sense that about a person. Sense a neediness about them. Neediness isn't always a sign of weakness, as usually portrayed. We all need balance and stability. But some guys, married and not, really prey on that in a woman.
riobikini Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 NoIDidn't, you are welcome. Everyone should come to this realization: Nearly anyone can become fodder for an affair if the timing and situation is right, but some are especially predisposed. Glad to hear you are doing well and understand *why* you were as you *were*. (Smile) -Rio
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