Aloros Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 28. We've known one another for over a year, and have been dating for six months - picture perfect. He's been so good to me, affectionate, loving, generous. When I have a problem, he just assumes he's along for the ride to help me out. We have a good deal in common and think very much alike. It's his first serious relationship in five years, and last night I found out why. He confessed to me that he has two children, by two different mothers. He was in a relationship with both mothers, and both mothers lied to him about being on birth control. He has a nine-year-old son and a five-year-old daughter. The mother of the daughter moved away and is getting married. He pays her child support. The mother of the son is messed up - in and out of jail - and not around. The son is in the care of his grandparents. My bf sees his son once every few months, his daughter not at all. He's deeply ashamed, and only one friend knows, and that friend knows only about one child. I'm so confused. I never wanted to date someone with children. I'm so in love with him, and I was convinced this was it. Now I'm just confused. I think of two children out there, both probably with his beautiful eyes and his hair, and it breaks my heart a little. I want children MAYBE in 6-10 years, and he's understandably reluctant. He says he knew if he got into another serious relationship, he'd probably have to have another kid down the line. I don't want it to be like that.
Art_Critic Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 How do you date someone for a year and keep that from them ?? No character.. dump him.. I think at this point it has very little to do with whether or not you want kids.. lying by omission is also a character flaw that is something worth dumping over.. it isn't like this was a 2 week deal.. it has been a whole year that he has been keeping this from you. And from now on ask up front if they have any kids..
Author Aloros Posted January 10, 2007 Author Posted January 10, 2007 We've been dating six months. Knew one another on a chit-chat in the hallway, have lunch once in a while basis for over a year.
blind_otter Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 That's a big secret to keep and you really have to sit down and ask yourself if this is a deal breaker for you or not. Did you ask him up front if he had any children, or did you assume that he didn't from his behavior? Does he pay child support for the son? The red flag to me, is that he's ashamed of his own children. That seems a bit odd.
amaysngrace Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I think he's embarrassed about the way things turned out with his relationships with his children. I agree he should have said something sooner but I can see why he wouldn't feel comfortable bringing it up. He's not proud of the way it is. Think about it. From the moment of conception these pregnancies were not viewed as happy news. That in itself makes them seem embarrassing, like someone messed up. He didn't step up as a dad and that probably embarrasses him a lot too. But his having children is probably not an issue he's most likely to discuss with anyone. It's been hush-hush from Day One. It's stigmatized. You should do your best to reassure him that you accept that he has kids and that they're a part of him. Maybe tell him you wish he'd told you sooner or something so he knows for next time, but I think this may be the worst thing about him you're going to uncover. Or based on his deception you should show him the door. It's really up to you if you can handle it or not.
Author Aloros Posted January 10, 2007 Author Posted January 10, 2007 I never asked him if he had children. He's college-educated, with a Master's degree. People our age that we hang out with are most of the same. None have one illegitimate child, much less two. I knew he'd never been married. I just assumed that he didn't. It does bother me that he's so secretive about it. They're kids, they're getting older - how would it make them feel to know their father doesn't want people to know they exist? He's private by nature, I know, but kids are kind of a big deal.
Author Aloros Posted January 10, 2007 Author Posted January 10, 2007 I told him that I understood, that I still loved him, but that it was unfair of him to tell me six months into the relationship. I feel bad in that he was just dealt a bad hand. The first one he should have known better than to date her, but he was 19. She got pregnant to try and trap him into marriage. The second he tried to make things work becuase he really didn't want to be an absentee dad again. She broke it off and started seeing other people. I can understand he's ashamed, and it's not the deception that bothers me so much as there are two children out there that are his, not mine, and they are never going to go away. I'm not at a point where I'm ready to deal with children (my friends even make fun of me for how awkward I am around them), and if something happens to the grandparents or the parents, he'll most likely end up with custody. I just don't know that I'm cut out for it.
RecordProducer Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 The son is in the care of his grandparents. My bf sees his son once every few months, his daughter not at all. He's deeply ashamed, and only one friend knows, and that friend knows only about one child. I will try to keep my words to describe your boyfriend mild: he is the worst scum-bag ever. He has two children that he never or barely sees and is ashamed of them. The fact that he hid them from you is not the big deal in this situation; it's rather WHY he hid them. You don't forget about your kids just because you didn't want them in the first place. They are little children who need a father and they are abandoned. Can you imagine the pain they feel growing without a father? Imagine if YOUR father didn't want to see you ever and were ashamed of having you! Would you think of him as a good person? Obviously he is paying child support because he is legally obliged to it. But he is depriving his own children from the most important thing: love. Your boyfriend is a selfish, immature person. He is not a good person. He did it once, he did it twice, and he will do it again. Many people in this world have become parents at young age, but they didn't abandon their kids. many people, especially fathers, did. But that's what makes a difference between a good person and a scum-bag. Frankly, I would be ashamed to date a person who is ashamed of the fact that he has children and feels the need to hide that fact from everyone, even his best friends and lovers. They are children, for heaven's sake, not some horrible diseases!
O'Malley Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I can understand he's ashamed, and it's not the deception that bothers me so much as there are two children out there that are his, not mine, and they are never going to go away. I'm not at a point where I'm ready to deal with children (my friends even make fun of me for how awkward I am around them), and if something happens to the grandparents or the parents, he'll most likely end up with custody. I just don't know that I'm cut out for it. I think this is the red flag for you as far as staying in a relationship with this guy. If you can't deal with dating a biological parent, one who doesn't even have a relationship with their kids, then don't . There's always the possibility that he may change his mind about wanting to be in his children's lives.
Guest Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Wow! RP is 100% correct! I did not have planned pregnancies either, but I chose to do the RIGHT thing. To give up my (single) life for my children's lives and well being, and you know what? I have become a much better person by taking responsibility for my actions. MY life has not suffered because of my children, it has been a much richer experience than it otherwise would have been. But that is just my subjective opinion. I would tell that guy to grow up and that it is NEVER too late to change and make amends and dump him and never look back.
Go_Chicago Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Hey there, I am not trying to high-jack your thread, but I have been in the exact situation to a T. You might be alarmed. Wonder if it was the same chap, lol. (Same age too!) Since I have been in the same situation, there are some things you NEED to question. First, why other than child-support, is this "Father" not par taking significantly in HIS children's lives? It has been 9 and 5 years since their births, why no improvements on his end? Second, when was he GOING to tell you, without you having mentioned that you did not think you could date someone who already had children? Makes you wonder what would have happened if you ended up pregnant! (there are ways to ensure that there is no pregnancy - it's called a condom: since when was it sheerly the woman's responsibility?) Read below... I fully agree that this man is THE sh*t-sucker on the side of a fish-tank: you should aim much higher! One who is immediately willing to tell you his story BECAUSE he has the respect for himself, his offspring, and you. Especially, seek the respect that YOU deserve. Here is a little background on mine: I was deeply involved with a Military service-member. I allowed myself to think that he had integrity, morals, honesty, and courage. Boy was I wrong!!! He claimed that first, the mother never notified him of her being pregnant until her official first trimester was over, therefore the children were NOT wanted by him (He, essentially, exonerated himself from being their father). Second, since he was "going-away" with the military a year after the birth he felt he could not be the 'qualified' father they deserved (ummm humm, cop-out and so disrespectful to those military members who have families serving in Iraq and Afghanistan), so he chose to "bow-out" as he so eloquently put it. Wow, very brave of him to leave them empty!. Third, he only told me of HIS child(s) once I was already established in a lengthy relationship with him that became emotional (fear of "loosing" me was his words - blah blah, how considerate of him to allow me to make a life-altering decision without the emotional turmoil added). Fourth, he ONLY told of his 'secret' to me because we had the same conversation you and yours did, IN PASSING. Side note: The same type of line, "no-one else knows except my mother, father, and my best-friend. I would like to keep it that way, but it is ultimately up to you" was used as well (part of the charismatic attribute - used to keep you quiet regarding his secret by making you feel special enough to know of the children while brainpatterning you emotionally, subconsciously, for you to not disrespect him by telling others). This man, whom I was involved with, was no 'intellectual fool' either; he was very diplomatic, charismatic, and educated. The omissions continued even after the initial 'bomb' drop. Trust, honesty, integrity and bravery - ALL GONE within a blink of an eye. He WAS the ultimate figure of selfishness. HUGE Red Flags!!!!!!!
bluechocolate Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 This guy has a lot of growing up to do. Do you want to date a child or a man?
Sand&Water Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 RE: Aloros, You know the answer. It is simple. You know what you should do. Again, simple. So, just do it. You know yourself -never lose control of what it means to be Aloros. Stop torturing yourself. Don't stay in the relationship for the wrong reasons -or rather, because of uncharted territory and love. Make a decision in confidence, knowing what you do will be for the greater good. He has yet to learn the ABCs of Life. I believe you should walk away. Regards, Sand&Water
Recommended Posts