Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Dear Community, This is a very long letter. I come to you out of desperation of needing someone to talk to about my problem, since I dare not talk to anyone I know in person. I have a huge problem and frankly don't even know where to start, so I will start from the very beginning years ago. WHO I AM: I am presently 23 years old. In high school(11-16) I was a tomboy and my body was riddled with eczema, boys would approach me romantically very seldom, when they got close enough to realize my skin condition they promptly backed away. This was the way it was all through Primary AND high school, as a result I learned to toughen up, I usually only relate or have any desire whatsoever to relate to males as friends-only and never allowing myself to become too emotionally attached. As a tomboy, even now that I have become more feminine in appearance. it appears that I have also picked up a lot of "dominant" habits. As a result, I find it very annoying to relate to males that "talk down" to me, stereotype me as feminine in my way of thinking, speak to me in a commanding manner or pressure me into things. That said, I left for college in the U.S when I was 17 years old, I had NEVER had a boyfriend or even kissed, and you know what? I never cared, it was the least thing on my mind. Throughout college my eczema had cleared up I had ample opportunity but was never interested. With no intention to brag I am a nice looking girl, throughout my life I had found a way to take my mind off being hurt just because of who I am/how I appear and picked up "nerdy" hobbies that can be done in isolation from people, such as playing video games, drawing and modeling 3D characters etc. Now that my eczema is gone, and the ugly ducking has turned into a swan, apparently I do not look like the kind of person that would partake in such activities, be considered smart, or be genuine and non-slutty. MEETING BACK UP WITH A COLLEAGUE: On returning back home at the age of 22 after college, I was immediately pursued by one person in particular, this person was the ONLY one in high school that crushed on me regardless of the fact that I was basically covered in scales. I had always remembered him for that, of course in high school I could never imagine how he could look past that when others couldn't and didn't think he was genuine and didn't give him a chance.. plus he was a bit annoying as a teenager. He said he had been calling my house for four years wondering what happened to me, and that he was desperately into me in high school, he fantasized about me etc. I was so enthralled by the fact that he was the only one that saw past my skin condition and had still been pursuing me for 4 years after school that I suppose my feminine side took over, I decided I would spend more time with him. WHAT OUR INTENTIONS WERE: He did however make it perfectly clear on the night we met up again that his intentions were to be in a relationship with me, I on the other hand had other plans and made them perfectly clear myself. I will be returning to the U.S next year, I have loans to repay and would like to make a life there, I have never experienced boyfriends, flings, casual sex or any of that stuff nor do I have interest in it, so I am not ready for a relationship at this point in time, I find you attractive but I do not believe I can become emotionally attached to the extent that you would like and as a result you will most likely end up getting hurt. This is what I told him basically. He said he understood. We have been talking for about 7 months now, we have already had sexual relations, I have grown to care for him but I cannot seem to care for him enough to call him my boyfriend. I have no interest in anyone else, have not been having sex with anyone else, and am not thinking about anyone else. I don't know what is holding me back, perhaps I am a lesbian and don't know it, but my feelings seem to be hitting a wall and not getting any farther. He has admitted he is now in love with me, I am extremely saddened by it because since I cannot share his feelings he will definitely end up getting hurt, something I do not want to do. PROBLEMS ARISE: As far as I am concerned we are not compatible, though I care for him I simply cannot even see myself in a relationship with him, I compare our relationship to a "Friends with benefits" and it was not intended to be this way. About one week into our "courting" I tried to put a stop to it, I could already see him becoming attached, but he wouldn't have it, I felt terrible and allowed him to continue "courting" me. He would usually call three times a day, if I didn't answer he would become annoyed, usually accusing me of being out with someone else. Even though I've made it clear I do not want to be in a relationship, it seems I am in one and am a bit confused as to how I got here. I respect him 100% I do not talk to other guys romantically or have sexual relations with anyone else. I am a very genuine person, I do not like to hurt people, I do unto others as I would have them do unto me. It hurts when he accuses me of being with others when the reason I didn't answer the phone is because i was taking a piss or ran to the store.. His last girlfriend cheated on him, so obviously he has some trust issues, but there are issues I am not willing to put up with. I don't like when he calls me up and asks "Did you have any visitors today?" or sees a damp beach pants on the bed and asks "So you went to the beach with a guy today?" or brings up so called hypothetical situations "Well ya know some girls would decide they would cheat cause they know when their boyfriends would be home, but the boyfriend might drop my unexpectedly" He has dropped by unexpectedly before and walked straight into my room checking to see if I had anyone in there.. Like I said, I understand why he has trust issues because of his last girlfriend, but I have done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment and these kind of questions, they offend and hurt me, but according to him he has every right to be concerned because I am showing the "same signs" his ex girlfriend was showing while she was cheating. We are constantly arguing now, he usually brings up an issue or I bring it up and it starts as a discussion, if it flares into an argument, he tends to bring up other insignificant things. For instance; as ridiculous as this sounds and as embarrassed as I am to type it..for a whole week he had never wanted a blanket, he said it was making him hot. I had even asked him the night before we had an argument "Do you want any blanket?", to which he replied "Nah." On the night of the argument I was all cozy in the blanket, we argued and he started throwing a tantrum bringing up issues that had nothing to do with the topic at hand, then he says "And you wouldn't even give me any blanket, hogging it for yourself." I thought he never wanted blanket! This seems childish and petty but this is simply an example, this is the kind of thing that happens when we argue EVERY TIME, that is one of the reasons I don't think we are compatible. My way of thinking is in a very judge-like manner for lack of better words, I handle the issue at hand and do not throw in facts that do not contribute to the issue. Lately I have learned that no matter what I say he doesn't seem to listen, I would usually go ahead and be "feminine" and ask him "What did I just ask you" he would say "I can't remember, I didn't register it" How can you discuss an issue if you do not take in what one side is saying to you? He does this time and time again, it has just become so frustrating that when I speak nothing I say "registers" that I have just decided not to say anything at all, over my dead body will he turn me into a nag. I found the fact that he doesn't really register what I say to him even more true because we argue about the SAME things OVER AND OVER again. If something upsets him he will discuss it with me. For instance; he gets very annoyed when I assume things about his emotional state, he talked to me about it and from that time till now, I no longer assume he is angry, sad or annoyed. I ask first. This in my opinion is a healthy way to address problems in a relationship, sit, talk, and try to accommodate that person. You do not have to change who you are but you must think about how you handle certain things that affect how that person feels. I however, do not get the same benefits. When something upsets me and I calmly try to discuss it with him, it ALWAYS turns into an argument, he gets hotheaded and offended and I often cannot get two words in, I will wait for him to finish and ask him if I could please speak, he would say go ahead, next thing you know he's cutting me off three words into my sentence. After a while the water calms and it seems he finally understands, I usually have to use analogies of some sort to get him to see where I am coming from, the smoke clears and we're happy. Not for long, the very next night or whenever I see him again he does the SAME THING AGAIN! The same thing that I said I have a problem with him doing he goes ahead and does. He has openly admitted to me that he pushes my buttons on purpose to see how much I can take, he didn't have to tell me this, I am a fairly intelligent person and good judge of character, I could see that is what he was doing because i failed to believe that he could be as oblivious and incapable of seeing where I am coming from in certain very straight forward situations. This utterly annoys me, I am not a science experiment, I do not like being a test subject, I have REAL feelings and do not like to be played with. It is building up so frustration that lately I have just become extremely distant and in need of as much space away from him as I can get. He does not allow me my space, if I would like to be alone he follows around, he calls. I understand that he cares, but it seems so overbearing, I feel very claustrophobic. Just last night we had an argument which started as a discussion over what a split is, after watching The Devil Wears Prada. "See that!?" He exclaims, " And you women would try to justify that, they split up and shes kissing some dude!," "My idea of a split", I told him "is an agreement between two people to take time away from each other. During the split, they are free to do what they want but of course the choice is theres. Whether they want to date other people is up to them, whether they simply need some time by themselves is up to them. There is nothing wrong with dating other people in a split, it is not an area that can be judged as right or wrong by any pre-written law, it is solely up to the couple what they would like to do and how they would like to handle their splitting." To which he replied "I can't believe you're justifying something immoral, it's wrong to date other people, you're still in a relationship! I guess I can expect you to go ahead and date other people if we were to split then" That was hurtful to me, because if he doesn't know my character by now, dating people is the last thing on my mind, the issue was not about me and him, he just had to make it personal "I am not condoning her dating someone else, or against it, it is her choice to do and up to her boyfriend whet.." I was cut off here. "They should just not have a split then, just get rid of "split" all together and call it a break up" He said. Me: "I wasn't talking about her kissing a guy,it's not about justifying anything, I was defining split ..." CUT OFF Him: "Yes you are, I can expect you to get with another guy if we spit etc etc etc..." Me: "Why don't you just look up split in a dictionary then or google it?" Him: "That's YOUR definition of what a split is, I don't have to look it up, even though you're trying to say i'm unintelligent... huh? You saying I'm stupid, you've been saying that alot lately" Me: "When did i say you were stupid etc etc...?" Him: "You say it but indirectly etc etc etc..." Me: "Can I speak now?" Him: "Yea" Me: "I was just saying a split is.." CUT OFF! I just went silent. This happened last night, I decided that he doesn't listen to reason, he doesn't register what I say to him and he blows issues out of proportion. He doesn't seem to pick up the meat of the matter, and thinks on a completely different plane, it's as if he ONLY reads between lines and ignores the source that made the spaces between the lines. The splitting discussion was about a movie and for the rest of the night he made it a personal thing. I was so sick of it. I took the fan, and slept in my mothers room. He barged in later and tried to practically bully me into telling him what was wrong by turning on the lights every time I turned them back off ad tried to sleep. I was almost to breaking point, I had to keep telling myself to calm down. I simply did not want to say anything, anything I said at that point would have been full with anger and I would have probably regretted it later, I just wanted to be left alone to get my thoughts together, but he wouldn't leave me alone I felt like I was about to explode. CONCLUSION: So this rambling has come to it's end, I am thinking about telling him today that I no longer have the energy to be in this "relationship", this is the head reason I didn't want to be in one to begin with, I have not seen my male friends in about 5 months, because he gets jealous when they're around. I have to constantly report to him where I am going before I go and where I have been, I feel mentally exhausted when I talk to him, I feel like I am on a merry go round arguing about the same things over and over again. It is not a happy relationship. However I know he loves me, he is a giving man, he is goal oriented and would do anything.. or so he claims to make me happy. So with these conflicting thoughts I am having trouble making a decision about what I should do. That is why I have come to you. Your replies would be greatly appreciated.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Definately end it. You two are coming from two different frame of minds in this "friendship." He wants it to be MORE and you don't. Maybe you need to experiment with a woman, just to see if you are a lesbian? I don't know if you are one or not...But it does seem to me because of your past, you're afraid of getting too close emotionally incase you get hurt. You don't want to hurt anybody else, so the walls go up, but more out of protection for yourself. This man is unhealthy for you, so end it. For your sake and his. No point in staying in a relationship if you're both miserable..No matter what feelings are involved, it just creates drama and eventually resentment and anger. He also has no right to control you, or tell you who you can/can't be friends with. He has his own emotional baggage, ex's who cheated on him, and it's not fair that he is making you suffer for his own insecurities that he hasn't dealt with (yet). Good luck and keep posting!
Spinderella Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Firstly, you may or may not be a lesbian, but you cannot base that conclusion on one unsatisfying relationship. I think that due to you not having any real life experience of relationships perhaps you have taken it more seriously than some would, which is not neccessarily a bad thing, after all, you are considering this guys feelings and thinking alot about this. However, actions speak louder than words, therefore, it didnt really matter what verbal warnings you were giving him when you were physically having a relationship with him. If you want him to take your words seriously, then you also would need to do the same, and take his words seriously, which were that he had deep feelings for you and wanted more than just a fwb. BUT, he is responsible for himself and he made the choice to enter this relationship despite your warnings and the inevitable outcome. I can identify with your situation extremely well. I have had quite a few relationships with men like this, and I analysed and analysed my feelings about them, and I warned them early on that I was not ready, I did everything that you did, and I wondered why I could not feel more for them, after all, they loved me so much, shouldn't I be happy? He sounds very similar to these men, who were very nice, but, also extremely immature. You seem to be at very different maturity levels, perhaps partly because he has not moved away like you have. He cannot hold you responsible for his ex gf's mistakes, you are not responsible for that, and perhaps you should state that clearly to him. Relationships are not about making the other person whole or healing the other person, each person is responsible for that, themselves. This is different to being unsympathetic of course. You have tried this relationship out, and why shouldnt you? After all, how would you know, without trying it? It has become clear that he is not ready for a relationship (I know you think it is the other way round, but, you sound perfectly ready whereas he does not). It would be better for him to heal himself from his last relationship before having another. You tried it, it didn't work, don't worry about it so much, and really, you should probably try to experience a few relationships so that you have some comparison.
Guest Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Dear, Spinderella and whichwayisup Thank you so much for your advice. I suppose I had always known it was an unhealthy relationship, I said it myself, that I was unhappy. I desperately needed someone else's opinion to help me confirm my beliefs, thank you so much. You have also brought up some very interesting facts that I did not think about and will be sure not to make the same mistakes in the future. It's really funny how if something like this had come up in a soap opera per say ; I'd practically be yelling at the television about how obvious it is that she should get rid of the guy When things actually happen to you it changes everything. I had a talk with him about 15 minutes ago, he seemed to have not taken it as horribly as I would have thought (however he was at work and insisted when he called that I tell him what I wanted to talk to him about in person later at that moment) but he did show some characteristics that further fueled my belief that I should not be with him Basically I explained how I would like to "break up," how emotionally exhausting our situation is, how I do not nor never have wanted a relationship and how everything is piling up into immense frustration. He said something along the lines of "Why don't you just say you don't want me around for the next 4 months before you return to the U.S so you can do whatever with whoever" Basically, meaning, my true reason for breaking it off was because I wanted to shag men. No matter what I do, this is the way he thinks of me, when I give him absolutely no reason to do so. I also posted this on another forum and was told to immediately get out, that this was emotional abuse, that it is just as unacceptable as physical abuse which it often escalates into in later years. I do feel after talking to him, though I know, from his character this situation is not resolved and he will call or drop by again- I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I thank you all again for your advice.
Guest Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 UPDATE: He called back like I knew he would. He had admitted to looking through my computer on several occasions; he claims that based on conversations he found that he thought were true (the conversations were from a script in one of my RPG games, where I was a male assassin so weren't real) that he came to the conclusion that I had been cheating. He of course never thought about bringing it up because he did not want to seem deceitful. It's quite ridiculous why I would place a conversation I supposedly didn't want anyone to read in the My Documents folder on a very easily accessed to everyone in the household laptop. He also admitted on sleeping with three different people besides myself during the 7 months we have been speaking while insisting on having sex without a condom (which I never gave into and thank God!), after spewing bilge about how he would never consider cheating on me because he knows how it feels, how he is so in love with me that even now we aren't official he would dare not think of it. In all, after shedding a few tears because I do or did care about him, this does make me breathe easier, now I know he couldn't possibly of cared as much as he let on and lied to me on many occasions. He is obviously not worthy of my compassion and consideration for his feelings, now I can finally get some sleep tonight with the decision I have made to end it. Thanks everyone
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