The right choice?

[Dio]

Where to start..

I'm a married man (10yrs) and I have been with my wife for 15yrs. I have 2 lovely daughters aged 8 and 9yrs. The love in my marriage has always been there since the start. Not the blazing type of love you see in the movies, more a slow steady constant love.

 

I didnt have any problems with my wife. We had regular 'good' sex (if a little unvaried) and got on well. She is a good person, the type that puts others first and has a lot of friends etc. If someone would have asked if I was happily married I would have said 'Yes' most like without reservations.

 

Despite all this, about 15 months ago I got involved with someone at work. Id call it an accident but that feels like a bit of a cop out. This OW was someone I had always had a soft spot for. My wife suspected because I talked abut her alot. I found her attractive and liked her personality, we got on really well at work (I have worked with her for 7 yrs). She was also married and had been with her husband for about 7yrs.

 

The problems began one night when I was home alone. Sat on my computer drinking some red wine. This other woman came online on MSN. We had chattted before online but nothing sinister. The conversation got a bit lewd and she and I ended up saying something that (I'll spare the details) led to Cyber sex.

 

At the time this was very exciting. We were embarresed the next day at work but that didnt stop us arranging to do it again. This went on for a couple of weeks and emotions began that were more than sexual. Thinks turned physical when she rubbed her leg up mine whilst sat working together. Then she planned a 'first kiss'. I'm ashamed to say looking back that I stupidly went along with all this. Things kind of escalated from there.

 

During the following months our feelings became really strong for one another. The OW eventually left her husband despite the fact that I told her not to. I tried to convince her to stay and even leave me to sort it out with him. She said it had got to the stage where even if 'we' finished, she would still leave her husband and did so.

 

During all this time I felt like I was in love with two women. I couldnt seperate my emotions and I couldnt choose which side of the fence I wanted to be on. The love I had with this OW was like the sort of love you see in the movies though, passionate, touchy, sensual.

 

Since she left her husband and moved into her own house about 2 months ago things seemed to go up a notch with this OW. We grew closer and I started to feel seperated from my wife. I even started to talk about leaving my wife. My wife new something was wrong but I denied it or made up excuses.

 

1st Jan 2007 I woke up with an incredible calm feeling that I could leave my wife and wanted to spend the rest of my life with this OW. It was like a moment of clarity. I even sent her a txt saying everything would be fine. I then went to see her.

 

About 2 hours later while I was with this OW the wife rang. I obviously ignored it. It kept ringing. I had a voicemail on my phone with her crying and saying she knew I was having an affair. She had found an email and the MSN logs.

 

At this stage I didnt know what to do. I talked on the phone and told her I loved them both. She asked me to go home to talk and I did. She was destroyed and it killed me seeing her that way. I comforted her and we had alot of tears (both ways). I cant explain how I felt. I dont know if it was love, guilt or what. I convinced her it was over between me and this OW even though in my mind it wasnt. I still hadnt made a choice. I was buying myself time.

 

I had 2 days off work to be with my wife and kids. The kids knew something was wrong and I wanted to reasure them things were fine at home. I had no contact with the OW for a few days. I felt bad about this but there was no way to contact her. When I did finally see her at work, I discovered she had been through a similar hell of her own. Even more stupidly I tried to console her too, still not knowing what I wanted.

 

I have now broke it off with the OW but am hoping I have made the right choice. We had all these dreams and fantasies of how we would live out our lives. The OW says I'm weak for taking the easy option of staying with the wife and not following them. She says that even though we have agreed not to see each other. She loves me so much and she will be there if I change my mind. No matter how long it takes.

 

The thing is, right now, I feel numb. I cant muster any sort of significant feelings for either of them. It seems so weird. Its like my heart just gave up on the dilema and thought sod it.

 

I know one thing. I couldnt continue to lie to my wife and I couldnt continue to keep the OW stringing along. I'm relieved in a sense that its done with. I wont be doing affairs again now in hindsight. I worry though now that I may have just left the love of my life.

[Ladyjane14]

The knee-jerk reaction of a betrayed spouse is usually to try and repair the marriage. This presents you with a very small window of opportunity to get on board and be an honest man again. I would suggest to you that you use it wisely.

 

It may seem to you that you have a choice to make between these two women. In reality, a long-term relationship sprung from an extra-marital affair only has about a 1-3% chance of survival.

 

There's a significant amount of trauma and grief to deal with due to the loss of the former spouse and family dynamic. And the trust issues between the affair partners are daunting. In a case where both were committed to other partners during the affair, they now have a history of willfull deceit that the new partner is completely aware of. Odds are... you'll have the very bitch of a time trying to make it work with OW and probably still won't get it done. In which case, you have a lifetime ahead of you to miss your wife and wish you'd done differently.

 

Recovering a marriage after a case of infidelity takes on average about 2 years. It's not any easy process either. But... I can promise you that a fully recovered marriage is an even better relationship than the one you had before. Affairs are painful. But when we survive them, we learn alot and can apply that knowlege to the relationship for the rest of our lives.

 

My advice to you for what it's worth.... put your very best effort into marital recovery, and never see or speak to the OW again. Your sympathy is misplaced. She knew the score, regardless of whatever 'truths of the moment' you might have told each other.

[whichwayisup]

It seems you would have continued this affair as long as your wife didn't catch you, read the emails/MSN. Before she busted you, YOU had complete control - Meaning, your wife and your OW...Your wife confronted you and then you had to make a choice...

 

You picked your wife because you DO love her, you made a life with her. You two created children together.

 

The OW woke up feelings in you that you got addicted to. As much as you may feel alot for the OW, you have NO clue once the honeymoon phase is over, reality sets in, life sets in with the good, bad and the ugly, how things would be with her. Your wife is the sure bet, deep down you know this, but question what life 'could' have been like with the OW.

 

Get yourself into one on one therapy and work through your feelings and emotions, then get to marriage counselling with your wife and sort things out.

 

I feel bad for you, your wife, your children and the OW. Pain all around, suffering and saddness. The thing is, you let it happen, you chose to cheat on your wife, break your vows...Unfortunately the consquences of your actions are a harsh reality of the fallout of your affair.

 

I wish you the best, keep posting and I hope life gets easier.

[Dio]

Thankyou for your replies Whichway and Ladyjane. It really helps to have someone to talk to as I havnt spoken to anyone about it really. Your comments really helped.

 

My wife is really suffering at the moment. I cant believe what it has done to her. But despite all this, she says she loves me and doesnt hate me (she does hate what I have done of course). I feel so bad for her.

 

I have talked with the OW since I split with her last week. There was no physical contact and we agreed to keep it that way. We both acknowledge that the feelings we had wont just dissapear. It's going to be really hard as I have to work with her.

 

As I write this, my wife has gone out and left me on my own for the first time since she found out. Im going to go out on my motorbike which is what I used to do when I went to see the OW. My wife knows this and she is sick with worry. She knows I'm tempted to go over to see her and to be honest I am a bit. I have promised her that I wont and I'm not going to.

 

The most horrible thing about all this is the way my wife found out. She had to read all the intimate emails we sent to each other. My wife wants what I had with her. I hope I can dig those feelings up again and feel like that for my wife and I hope I am strong enough to let the feelings for the OW go. I admit to be craving contact with her right now. I know that a phone call or txt from me would make her feel great but I know its not right.

 

Whats weird is that I know that if my wife had shown me the door, I think I'd have chased her. Its like that old 'you dont know what you have lost until you loose it' thing.

 

One last thing. This is probably too much information but I have had sex with my wife more times than I can count since all this. Its felt right and its been fantastic. Oddly, even during the affair I never stopped enjoying it with her.

 

I wish I understood men lol.. and thats being one. Sorry if this email doesnt make much sense. Im just pouring my thoughts out.

Its helping

 

I'll update this as things happen. Wish me luck.

[Hard2Think]

I've posted here before and have been lurking in and out ever since. You situation is pretty similar to mine : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94408/?highlight=Hard2Think

 

I don't even know where to begin to tell you what you can expect. Right now the amazing sex you're having with W is going to continue for a few days at most .. then the rollercoaster ride begins.

 

Get ready to have her hate you pretty soon, She's going to call you names, go into hysterics, and even demand that you leave the house. And best of all, you'll get those hours and hours of painful interrogation about every detail of your relationship with her.

 

Then some time later, it'll all seem like everything's ok again and she'll be the loving wife you had before - but then, before you know it, it's back to the dark times again.

 

I'm 6 months into it, and it's far from over for me.

 

My advice:

 

1) LS is great in that the people here kept me focused in those bad times and also in times when I was angry at her and faltering in my commitment to stick it out. So post here often and read other people's threads.

 

Some people have been there and know what you're going through (like me). They can help keep you in the right track.

 

Others are the betrayed, and you need to listen to them too - even if they may be harsh with you. They can give you great insight into what your wife is going through and what she needs from you.

 

Then there are those who mean well, but who have no experience with infidelity. They may lash out or take the opportunity to tell everyone how faithful they are when faced with the same situations. Don't fight with them, just ignore them.

 

2) Go to the bookstore and get "Not just friends", so you can get an idea of what to expect in the times ahead. Also download the PDF from http://www.aftertheaffair.net . These resources will maybe help you avoid mistakes, such as arguing with her or justifying your affair while she's lashing out.

 

3) Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com . They have some good resources on infidelity. Also check out http://www.survivinginfidelity.com

and http://www.sideroad.com/Marriage/surviving_infidelity.html

 

4) And I hope it goes with without saying, but you really need to change jobs and never see nor contact OW from here on in. Nothing is going to progress with your wife until that happens.

 

Good luck, pal - you're going to need it.

[whichwayisup]

H2T! Do an update on your situation. Nice to see ya poke in and say hey AND to reachout to someone and help them...You're a wiser one now and can help others with their situations!

[whichwayisup]

Thankyou for your replies Whichway and Ladyjane. It really helps to have someone to talk to as I havnt spoken to anyone about it really. Your comments really helped.

 

My wife is really suffering at the moment. I cant believe what it has done to her. But despite all this, she says she loves me and doesnt hate me (she does hate what I have done of course). I feel so bad for her.

 

I have talked with the OW since I split with her last week. There was no physical contact and we agreed to keep it that way. We both acknowledge that the feelings we had wont just dissapear. It's going to be really hard as I have to work with her.

 

As I write this, my wife has gone out and left me on my own for the first time since she found out. Im going to go out on my motorbike which is what I used to do when I went to see the OW. My wife knows this and she is sick with worry. She knows I'm tempted to go over to see her and to be honest I am a bit. I have promised her that I wont and I'm not going to.

 

The most horrible thing about all this is the way my wife found out. She had to read all the intimate emails we sent to each other. My wife wants what I had with her. I hope I can dig those feelings up again and feel like that for my wife and I hope I am strong enough to let the feelings for the OW go. I admit to be craving contact with her right now. I know that a phone call or txt from me would make her feel great but I know its not right.

 

Whats weird is that I know that if my wife had shown me the door, I think I'd have chased her. Its like that old 'you dont know what you have lost until you loose it' thing.

 

One last thing. This is probably too much information but I have had sex with my wife more times than I can count since all this. Its felt right and its been fantastic. Oddly, even during the affair I never stopped enjoying it with her.

 

I wish I understood men lol.. and thats being one. Sorry if this email doesnt make much sense. Im just pouring my thoughts out.

Its helping

 

I'll update this as things happen. Wish me luck.

 

Listen to H2T...

 

Just so you know, there's no such thing as too much detail on LS. When you're up for some laughs, go check out the other area's of this place, you'll see what I mean!

 

My suggestion to you is please do NOT give into temptation even if it kills ya. Your wife has given you an inch, it's a test to see if she can leave you alone and know she can trust you...Don't blow it baby! Do all that you can to prove to your wife that you can and will be trustworthy again. Be an open book in everyway.

 

She feels like she needs to compete with the OW, which is why the sex is incredible right now. She needs to feel loved and desired by you, almost like she wants to make your forget the OW existed. Go with it........And make sure you do special things for your wife OUTSIDE of the bedroom too. Actions are just as important as words right now.

 

For you getting over the addictive feelings and desire for the OW, go to one on one counselling. Your wife doesn't need to know that you still have feelings, or thoughts of the OW. The sooner you let go of the OW out of your mind and heart, the sooner you can recapture that love and deep desire for your wife. It may not be as intense as it was with the OW, but it will be deeper because it's your wife. Long lasting love, intimate connection. Hope that makes sense.

 

Keep posting and good luck!

[Ladyjane14]

And I hope it goes with without saying, but you really need to change jobs and never see nor contact OW from here on in. Nothing is going to progress with your wife until that happens.

 

Great to see a post from you H2T!!! :bunny:

 

Check out this part TWICE, Dio. H2T's exactly right. You can't make progress while you're straddling the fence, and your wife can't make progress while she feels threatened by OW. It's got to be complete and total NC. Nothing else works.

[Guest]

Sorry to bring this up but the original question is "Is it the Right Choice". If you're feelings are so deep for the OW and you're already worried that you cant feel the same for your wife - well, isnt there an issue that maybe you're losing your new love and you're not entirely sure whether your love for your W will be sustained?

 

As for the OW, maybe she says she will wait for you but at the same time, she's not going to wait for the rest of her life for you to turn up at her door.

 

My question is - what if your love for OW is something you can never recapture?

 

Someone on this post said that you should be an "open book" with your wife. I think that still stands. I think being honest with her is admitting your feelings for the OW and telling your W that you still have feelings and that you need to figure them out.

 

IMHO I think you should be by YOURSELF for a while - without OW and without W. Then, you're not just making a go of your marriage because you think its the right thing to do. I wouldnt be happy being a W that is second best - I'd rather my H decided truthfully that being with me is what he truly truly wants. This is all such a "knee-jerk" reaction - your W is hurt and therefore you feel you need to console her but what about 6 months down the line? When the interrogation is still going on, OW looks like she might have met someone else, you feel like the feelings your OW stirred within you are lying dormant and cant be summoned for your wife. How will you feel then?

[Dio]

Tnx for the advice H2T! Seems like I have a rocky road ahead of me whatever I do.

 

Unfortunately my wife has discovered this site and thread. This kind of makes it hard for me to talk about it anymore as I cant say what I would like to say without it being read.

 

Wish us luck!

[Hard2Think]

Ahh .. that's too bad. Yes, good luck to both of you!

Tnx for the advice H2T! Seems like I have a rocky road ahead of me whatever I do.

 

Unfortunately my wife has discovered this site and thread. This kind of makes it hard for me to talk about it anymore as I cant say what I would like to say without it being read.

 

Wish us luck!

[Mz. Pixie]

Then there are those who mean well, but who have no experience with infidelity. They may lash out or take the opportunity to tell everyone how faithful they are when faced with the same situations. Don't fight with them, just ignore them.

 

 

WORD! I had to crack up when I read this, H2T!!!

[Woggle]

You sir are a moron. You are married to a good woman and good women are very hard to find yet you are risking it all for some woman who just cheated on her husband for a cheap thrill and that is all you are to her. If you left your wife for this other woman she would drop you so fast your head would spin and you would deserve it. Your wife deserves much better than this.

[Guest]

Dio, I am sorry you can't post more, I am the BW of a man who is in your position somewhat. It has been helpful for me to follow your story.

 

He had the same claims of being in love with 2 women. I have read some of his emails to her, and know he feels like he may be missing 'the love of his life' by not going with her. This hurts the most, but I feel it is part of the 'addiction' to the new romance. We have been together 18 years, and he knows it is not right to compare a new feeling with the 'comfortable' old feeling.

 

They met like you did, and he even did the motorbike thing with her. I do have a hard time seeing him ride it now. He chose to finally break it off with her 5 weeks ago, but it is very rocky right now!

I would like to see how you handled future feelings about this/OW.

 

we have not been to any counseling, but I think I am going to suggest it this week. I know he has started on an emotional downslide, feeling he made have made a wrong choice, and I do not know what to do about it. I am guessing it is just part of the breakup emotions. and if he can stay away from her, it will go away.

 

well, off to read other posts, I have been reading here for a few months, and it has helped my sanity, there are alot of very wise people on board here! this is first post though.

[Dio]

Hello guest

 

I said I wouldnt post but I feel the need to. I'll say what i can given the circumstances...

 

I can only imagine what you (and my wife) are going through. I can give you my perspective of course and it might help or it might not; but at least it might help to understand.

 

I have ups and downs as you might think. As an example:

 

I did go out on my bike on Sunday and after posting on here I had absolutely no temptation to go and see the OW. I knew I could make it work with me and the W and had an overwhelming sense of relief that I could life out a happy future with her and the kids in a normal environment. I enjoyed my bike ride, I came home before her and she could see I was happy when she walked in. She could tell I was ok.

 

But.. about 3 hours later though while watching TV I had a deep sense of sadness and loss. It came from nowhere. I wasnt thinking about the OW and it wasnt something that triggered it. My wife immediately picked up on my change of feelings and thought the worse. I told her that I wasnt thinking about her (I wasnt) but couldnt give her any reason because I didnt understand it myself.

 

I think it probably is an addiction with the OW. As I said to my W the other night, that romance stage only lasts a short time after which reality sets in and whether your right for each other or not. I had that romance with my wife too when we first met. It did change and it evolved and stood the test of time for 15yrs.

 

The only thing I know anymore is that I dont know anything. I was ready to leave my wife but when push came to shove I stayed with her. I had this future (yes call it fantasy) played out in my head with this OW but now it seems all blurry and unreal. Have I just forgot or was it ever real?

 

I know what I'm 'not' doing and that is taking control of my life and situation. I'm just flowing down stream without and means of directing my life. I know I need to change that.

 

I wish I could go somewhere, for a week on my own and search my soul. The unfortunate thing is that I have to see both women every day. Which makes things very confusing not to mention traumatic for my wife who hates it when I leave for work and cant wait till im home.

 

I dont know if its good advice or not but maybe sending him away somewhere with a single flight ticket for a long weekend without a phone might make things clearer for him. It's hard to see the moon in a pool of water until all the ripples die down. Maybe time away from everthing would help.

 

It seems that like me he has made his choice. He 'has' stayed with you and is still with you. He will feel sad about the OW occasionally but try and get him to talk about it. You need to try and get him to be honest and let him feel he can tell you things without upsetting you. I talked with my wife about feelings for the OW a few nights ago and I felt better for it. It seemed to help dissolve the feelings to an extent.

 

I wish you luck and I hope it all works out for you both. Keep posting

[Hard2Think]

The wiser thing to do at this point, Dio, is to take a 2 week vacation + and any available sick time right now and use that time to find another job. You really need to get away from work for your wife's sake and for the sake of the recovery of your marriage.

 

The worst thing you could do at this point is leave incommunicado from your wife right now. She'll think nothing but the worst and in the end - it won't help you clear your thoughts any. Better you stay home away from work for some. Or better yet - both of you go on a trip out of town for a while.

[scubafish]

Dio, (I am the guest from above), I realized posts showup quicker when you are registered, so I did!

 

Thank you for coming back to post again. You have a very easy way of speaking/writing. I appreciate the thoughts after bike ride. I feel like I can believe him a little more when he says the same thing. He can go from happy with me, to sad in a flash, it does hurt because I know the sad is about her.

 

Your comments about floating down a stream are pretty exactly on, with some of the things he said. He was able to get away, he travels for work occasionally. He would tell me before these trips that he hoped to spend the time away getting in touch. but honestly, it never happened. The most he spent away was 2 weeks. It could be because he still could talk to both of us. He tried 10 days in Mexico, where he had no access, but even that didn't help.

 

We do talk about his feelings for her, (which some say is not a good thing to do), but we have been together for 18 years, I guess I feel secure enough to hear it. I know he has thought ahead to what life with her would be like, and that there are some large issues he feels he cannot deal with in future. Of course, she tells him that it will not matter, that they are so 'meant for each other' that it will overcome all obstacles. He is realist enough to know this is not true, but he is addicted to the way she makes him feel and he says when he was with her, she could make him believe it. But then when he was with me, he could see reality again.

I guess this is what brought about the breakup , but I hope he keeps remembering those 'large issues' as he going through this.

 

There is a poster I remember seeing , wish I could have bought it then-

It was 2 pups sitting next to each , looking out on an ocean. Caption read something like "True Love is not gazing at each other, but looking forward together". I have been able to get over some of the pain by looking forward to what a great future we will have once we have come through this. I realize now that we had not been meeting each others needs, and once we can work through this emotional withdrawal, I can find out how to be the one to make him feel what he had felt with her.

 

You may want to check out this site.-

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

 

I like to read through it, because it talks about how to figure out what was really missing, and fixing it, so that your realtionship with spouse will be even better than it ever was before. They promote that an affair is a chance to get back what was missing, and they do make you feel there is hope and great love with your spouse in future.

 

They make a point of getting away, but do it with your spouse, to get through the 'withdrawal' period. I think being alone during this time is counterproductive, you are going to be craving that addiction feeling, because you will be lonely. Maybe that is why it never worked for my husband.

 

It also comments, that you will stay in a state of 'perpetual withdrawal' , and not be able to start the rebuilding process with your wife, if you have contact with the OW at all. I am not sure how you can do that with having to work with her.

 

well, I posted alot more than I meant, I guess it does help to write out feelings.

[Dio]

Thanks H2T and Scuba for your replies...

 

I agree that having to work with the OW is going to be a major issue. Unfortunately, due to the nature of my work it would be hard for me to change jobs or move away from where I am.

 

At first I thought the whole NC thing was purely to keep temptation out of my way. I'm sure I am strong enough to handle that part despite how hard it may be. I realise now that its not solely for my benefit and that my wife needs to know I'm not around her and can 'know' that shes no longer a threat. It is really hard on my wife knowing I see this OW every day.

 

Its a roller-coaster ride at home at the moment as you will know and expect. I'll keep posting and let you now how things go. In the meantime I wish you well.

[Ladyjane14]

I agree that having to work with the OW is going to be a major issue. Unfortunately, due to the nature of my work it would be hard for me to change jobs or move away from where I am.

 

This is more than a "major issue", Dio. It's imperative that you enforce NC. Your marriage will NOT survive if your wife is spun up about the OW all the time. A betrayed spouse is often experiencing what could be described as obsessive thoughts about the adultery partner. It's a fairly typical response. The OW can't be on the radar screen AT ALL.

 

Going as far as changing jobs or transferring to another location are worthy of consideration at this point. I've seen folks who stayed together for TWO YEARS after an affair, crash and burn on this very thing.

[whichwayisup]

It won't be easy, especially because you two work together...You and the OW may be OK, keep it professional and you won't fall back into her arms, but how the heck is your wife supposed to trust? She's going to be upset that you see the OW daily, converse with her about ANYTHING, work related issues, whatever. There isn't anything you can do to make it better for her, you can tell your wife 100x you don't love or want the OW, she isn't going to feel that trust until the OW is GONE out of the picture in everyway possible.

 

Someone recently, Thumbingmyway-His wife had an affair and the OM was a distant co-worker, and that was hard enough on them both - Not too long ago his wife landed a wonderful job somewhere else, so now no more OM, ever.

 

See what my point is? LJ is right, so maybe it is time to look into transferring or finding another job.

[InaPanic]

Dio, I have also had an affair & cheated on my husband. I am very thankful my OM did not live anywhere near me much less work with me. I went completely nuts like a crack addict. I have no doubt now looking back that it was full fledged addiction. I think you may be going thru that some. The up & down emotions. Being happy & feeling like all is right with the world one minute & then the next feeling like life just sucks. I went thru this sooo much. Now, a few months down the road i don't have the highs & lows so much...it's more stable but there are still feelings of despair somedays & joy on others. I know you miss the OW. I hate that you can no longer be open & honest on here. I did NOT want my husband to find out about this site. Not to hide more from him but i needed this place & I needed the advice of these good (mostly good) people. Had i known he was reading what i wrote there is no way in hell i could have been honest. I dont' think he needed to know i was feeling withdrawal from OM & thinking about him often. What good would that have done? It would have only hurt him even more.

My husband has given me a second chance. He's given me more than enough rope to hang myself if i'd wanted. And trust me YES the desire was there a lot to contact OM. It wasnt' a clean break at all. But i think it's going to be very very hard on you working with this OW & still carrying some feelings for her. I also feel sad for her in this.

Were you meant to be with her? Who knows. Perhaps. But you are now married & have children. So i think you have to give your marriage a try. But if you are miserable or your wife is miserable i think you have to face that eventually.