sb129 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I am glad you like your job- thats great news! Because it means you DO have positive things in your life. Sorry to hear about your experiences with antidepressants, they affect us all differently- i guess I must have really needed them, maybe it was placebo effect, who knows. Is there anyone who can professionally help you with the PTSD? I don't know much about it personally, but a good friend is a psychologist in Australasia, she may know. Great thing about this is the anonymity- if you want me to find out for you, just say the word and I will PM you. Chin up chick.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 What is PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I've read estimates that some 40% of our troops returning from Iraq exhibit some symptoms of this. For many people, it doesn't hit until some time (years even) after, regardless, the debilitating effects are what Carbine describes... Mr. Lucky
Ladyjane14 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 For the last four years, all i've really cared about is a synthetic ****ing goddamn substance that promises me it will ease my pain for just another day. Just another week. Month. Year. There's your problem, girlie. The downside of self-medicating is that what goes up... must come down. It becomes an endless cycle, and the lows just keep getting lower. So do the highs, come to that. You've had folks from all around globe pretty much tell you that just ONE person falling through the cracks is one too many. But we don't have the power... YOU have it. You've got to make it happen. Please, get some help and put this thing behind you. You sound like a terrific person. Lord knows, we can't spare any good ones. If you need help getting your gumption up... consider posting a thread on the addiction board.
crazy_grl Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Carbine, if anyone is laughing at you right now, they're a sick, heartless f*#k. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I'm so happy for you that that jerk is out of your life. I know you're hurting over it now, but eventually you'll realize how lucky you are that he's gone. You're not the only one to feel this way and to have this kind of childhood trauma. I suggest you read the book "The Courage to Heal". It can be painful to read at times, because it forces you to face the issues from your past, but it's well worth it. I can't even describe to you how good it feels to see in black and white how other people have been affected in exactly the same way and to see that you're not just some crazy, hopelessly screwed-up girl. Nothing was more helpful and eye-opening to me than that book. There are people who have lived through a lot worse than you have, and though it took them a lot more work than someone who didn't have to experience what they did, they managed to live healthy and happy lives. BUT I bet none of them did it all on their own. They had help learning how to deal with it. You can't expect to be able to heal yourself without someone showing you how. (And if your therapists are just handing you drugs and expecting you to be cured, then they're completely incompetant.) Hugs to you, Carbine.
puddleofmud Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I know this may sound odd, but nothing matters right now: not what happened in the past, not what happened with your relationship. ALL that matters is what you are feeling right this very MOMENT. I feel this is true because you are self-medicating for relief to endure moment by moment...you are not a bad person because you have found no succesful or consistent help nor anchor in life and you are simple OVER-WHELMED a this MOMENT and that is perfectly all right! Factually, it is a beautiful thing that you are so self-aware. Truly evil persons are not at all self-aware thus you are lovely person with so much to offer this sorry world. With that said--what will make you feel better right now? Aside from whatever you have been doing (and no one is or should be judging you for that)--what would you like to see happen on a SHORT term basis to make you feel better? Too much has happened and you've too much to address about EVERYTHING--it's too much for you to think in long-term goals right now. No one could do that. No one expects you to do that... And you know what, baby doll, you don't have to! Please ask us what you want RIGHT NOW? What I would like for you is for you to be safe! Do you feel that you have enough "fight" left in you to do what you need to be safe for just today and tonight? I feel you may as your fighting Spirit seems very evident--you are still having strong feelings and emotions and as horrid as they seem these feelings are telling you that you are ALIVE and that you know that you need something, even if you aren't sure WHAT that something may be. If you do not what can be done to make you feel safe within yourself so you may survive the next few hours? Can you make a "plan" about HOW you will get throught the next 24 hours? If not how about for an hour? Sounds silly, but being so hurt one does feel like minutes are a life time, doesn't it? It's HUMAN and not a down-fall just about your personality. You cannot control what has happened and that really REALLY sucks and you have every right to feel every thing you are feeling! You do not need lectures, you do not need to re-hash, you do not need to bleed. You need to feel safe within your darling little self so you may rest and begin to recover in the way you feel YOU need--not what someone else says you need. What YOU feel you need... Everything else will come in time and you have so MUCH time which is such a blessing for you! I am envious that you are 25! So let us know what can be done to help you this MOMENT, OK? Nothing else is required of you--just what you need right now... And if you get through "right now" and what you need changes tomorrow than that's perfectly all right, too! Tomorrow is another day--the heck with it! It'll come and you'll still be here, so don't worry about it right now, OK? So how do you feel about just making it until tomorrow? Do you think you can do it? What can we do to help you get there? As a personal note I understand, personally, your feelings about the things you have spoken...I have been through the similar and I can't tell you HOW to deal with this, only that I truly understand, that I care, and that I am available to help you by any means I have. I am sending you all my heart-felt energy that all that is kind and loving will embrace you. I do feel that you are kind and loving as you have been very tolerant of others who were not--so I feel that you DO have that wonderful ability about yourself! Also, on a personal note: your current feelings of self-loathing may be much more about how loving you are as opposed to how ugly you feel! You are now entering a GREAT life of grace, humility and sincere heart-felt strength. That is what life is offering you. The world NEEDS you and someday when you aren't so tired--you will WANT with all your might and all your heart to take that world by the hand. You are leaving life as you knew it--this is the "end of the world as you know it"--and that is terribly frightening.... you don't have to feel "fine" about it. All you have to do is be open to the chance--just for a MOMENT--that you can do this. Please stay in touch. Please let us know how you PLAN to get through the next few hours and what may be done to support you. Bless you, sweetheart, stay strong and open even when it hurts. Hope to correspond more with you soon, OK! Kisses and big Hugs to you!
Author Carbine Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Like BTDT has said what are some of the things that give you joy? I would like to know Things have given me joy in the past but that's irrelevant now. These things that i've loved have always ended up hurting me, and now when I think of them I just feel sad and bitter. Is there anyone who can professionally help you with the PTSD? I don't know much about it personally, but a good friend is a psychologist in Australasia, she may know. Great thing about this is the anonymity- if you want me to find out for you, just say the word and I will PM you. There was only one psychiatrist who I felt comfortable with. He was very highly recommended, and a kind decent person. He was the one who diagnosed me with CPTSD. He also realised that he couldn't help me, it was the unspoken acknowledgement between us that I was beyond help. What is PTSD? It's what Mr Lucky described. It's commonly known to affect war veterans, and only recently have they acknowledged that rape victims suffer exactly the same thing to the same extent. M Mr Lucky is spot on when he says it's debilitating. How bad can stress be? you're probably asking yourself. Well, remember the feeling of walking into your final exam? Maybe it's different for you, but for me it was the feeling of being flooded with adrenaline, you're shaking uncontrollably, wanting to vomit from the intensity of the fear/stress/anxiety. You feel light headed and unable to think straight because you're breathing shallowly, clenching your stomach and back muscles, simply unable to relax. It's like that every waking second. Going in to pay a bill, standing in line to catch the train. It's destroyed me, it takes every scrap of energy and drive from you and empties you of everything. ALL that matters is what you are feeling right this very MOMENT. With that said--what will make you feel better right now? Aside from whatever you have been doing (and no one is or should be judging you for that)--what would you like to see happen on a SHORT term basis to make you feel better? I only want him back now. Nothing else matters. Please ask us what you want RIGHT NOW? To be curled up in his arms. To hear him telling me that he won't leave me and that he loves me. What I would like for you is for you to be safe! Do you feel that you have enough "fight" left in you to do what you need to be safe for just today and tonight No, my fight's gone. I have no spirit, no soul, nothing left inside but a f***king black empty void. If you do not what can be done to make you feel safe within yourself so you may survive the next few hours? Can you make a "plan" about HOW you will get throught the next 24 hours? If not how about for an hour? I don't want to survive anymore. I want out. The next hour, or 24 hours and probably the rest of my life will be lived on riding the neverending rollercoaster of self-medication. It's all I have left now. I can't face this life any other way, it would drive me crazy in the end. So let us know what can be done to help you this MOMENT, OK? Nothing. I am facing up to the fact that i'm beyond help. Ive tried everything to help myself, asked everyone, persisted and persisted and persisted till i'm blue in the face. I haven't got the energy to try anymore. So how do you feel about just making it until tomorrow? Do you think you can do it? I don't have a choice. I'll keep surviving, waking up to the same thing tomorrow and the next day and for the rest of my life. As a personal note I understand, personally, your feelings about the things you have spoken...I have been through the similar and I can't tell you HOW to deal with this, only that I truly understand, that I care, and that I am available to help you by any means I have. I am sending you all my heart-felt energy that all that is kind and loving will embrace you. I do feel that you are kind and loving as you have been very tolerant of others who were not--so I feel that you DO have that wonderful ability about yourself! Please stay in touch. Please let us know how you PLAN to get through the next few hours and what may be done to support you. Bless you, sweetheart, stay strong and open even when it hurts. Hope to correspond more with you soon, OK! Kisses and big Hugs to you! I appreciate your help, but you're just wasting your time on me. Yesterday I thought I could see a future, but that was just the rage pushing me through. Its worn off now, and all i want is to go to sleep and not have to wake up in the morning
sb129 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I am really worried about you Carbine. I have never met you, but I thinking about you alot. I don't think you are beyond help. Please don't give up. That sick **** has won if you give up. You are more of a fighter than that girl. You are worth millions times more than that lowlife ex of yours and the other scum of the earth individual that hurt you. Please please please try to see that.
flowergirl Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Dear, Dear Carbine, God Bless You!! I will pray very hard for you, girl, because I know what it's like to go through childhood problems and feel that life is just a continual series of blows against you. It feels like greyness, and it' s hard to see past it sometimes, but the fact you can talk about it means a lot, and that you're far stronger than you think. Take care, girl, and keep posting to let us know you're ok.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 funny you should mention Bachelor parties.....I dated a girl long ago that I could have been serious with. We even talked about marriage and all that. But slowly there was things she'd say that I just didn't like. And one of them was a discussion we found ourselves in somehow about what is acceptable regarding bachelor/bachelorette parties. She said she was definitely going to have a stripper at her party....well then we got into a debate about it and I told her that I didn't think that was acceptable. Why would you need to have a stripper if you have found the person that you want to be with? To me it is disrespectful. She said that if we ever got married, that it would be a one time thing and I'd just have to put up with it. Thats when I decided this isn't the girl for me...I broke up with her the following week.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Ok, now this is much more serious than porn! These girls are touchable and I know that not all, but a few, if you pay them extra will do whatever deed with your man or the men at the party. Having said that, it's your man's responsibility to say no thanks. I look at strippers like a complete waste of time, money, and feelings. Carbine now I can relate to your feelings on this one. The code of silence is indeed a male thing. They stick up for each other and one doesn't run out on the herd so to speak and gossip about his buddy getting a blow job from the stripper or a hand job. Things can go awry at these things. They go awry with male strippers at a bachelorette party too. From what I understand, male strippers who take it all off, usually get sucked off by the ladies at the party.
sb129 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 What??? I have never heard that!!! The one and only time I have been at a party with a stripper he was so bad he was comical. And I think he was gay. Read the full post, Crumb. Its kinda gone beyond that issue now anyway.
Author Carbine Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 I am really worried about you Carbine. I have never met you, but I thinking about you alot. I don't think you are beyond help. Please don't give up. Thanks sb, but it's not worth the worry. I promise you that I won't commit suicide. That seems to be all people genuinely worry about. I can't promise you anything else. However, I can almost guarantee I'll live the rest of my life never being at peace. I'll never meet the man of my dreams, fall in love, further my career, or fulfill my dreams. Maybe I see things differently from most people, but the concept of death does not phase me. It's the notion of survival that worries me. How will I survive? By never again allowing myself to hope, to dream. By bearing this goddamn f***ing pain in the hope that I'll eventually become so desensitised or numb that I don't feel it anymore. By enduring these mind-numbing, dead end jobs until I'm forced to descend into something worse in order to feed myself. But hey, I may only have to pose on a street corner a few nights a week, because there's no need for me to try and afford good, healthy food anymore. I don't want another boyfriend, so I can let myself go now. And when I come home at night, there will be no light left on to welcome me, nobody to kiss me hello and ask if I'd like a coffee, nobody to curl up with at night, and nobody to wake up next to when the whole unbearable process starts over again. But it's not worth worrying about is it? As long as I survive, it should make everyone happy. That sick **** has won if you give up. You are more of a fighter than that girl. He's already won. He won because he was an adult playing a game with a 6-year old. He won because he made up all the rules. He won because he followed the only rule he didn't make himself, which was not getting caught. He won because he's probably dead now and there's no such thing as heaven or hell. He's won with every tear i've cried, every friend I've lost, every breath i've taken from this godforsaken glass pipe and every night I've spent staring into the soulless black night wondering how much more of this I can take. And he'll keep winning because the WINNER TAKES ALL. He's taken my dignity, my childhood, my freedom and my spirit. He's taken my soul. As I said, I do not believe in the afterlife. I do not believe that you're paid back 10-fold or that what goes around comes around. If I had just a bit of faith that he'd die and then be paid back by the universe for what he did to me, then maybe, just maybe, it would be enough for me to want to go on and make something of my life. But I'm a Nihilist. I have no faith. You know, I remember something that I read during history class when I was at school. We were studying the ancient Egyptian Deities and their notions of life, death etc. One thing I remember with absolute clarity is what they believed happens to the soul when a person dies. The person stands before one of the deities, Anubis, the keeper of the Underworld. Anubis weighs up the persons soul next to a feather in order to judge their sins,guilt and purity over a lifetime. If the heart is lighter than the feather, the soul is allowed to pass on to the afterlife. If the heart weighs more than the feather, the soul is eaten by a monster with a crocodile's head and a lion's body and forced to remain forever in limbo. I didn't believe the story then, but for some reason it still sent shivers down my spine, frightened me, and disturbed me so much that I've never ever forgotten it. 13 years later, my beliefs have not changed, but remembering the story of Anubis and the monster is enough to leave me feeling cold. The concepts of Heaven and Hell mean nothing to me, but god, how i wish with all my heart that the fairytale were true, and that, when that b*stard molesting rapist piece of s*** died and left this world, there was only the snapping of a crocodile's teeth waiting to meet him on the other side.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 But you're not six anymore, Carbine. You can either choose to 'buy in' that people are nothing more than the sum of their experiences and choose to stagnate as a scared six-year old.... or you can choose to make something more of your life. As far as religion goes... believing costs you nothing. Believe in whatever comforts you. And if you're wrong and it turns out there really isn't anything more after this life... you'll never know it. If it comforts you to imagine the devil roasting your tormentor on a spit in perpetuity, what's the pricetag on that? You know, in alot of ways, you've just taken up where he left off... torturing some hapless kid. Why not love and protect that inner child instead? Why not show her a better way to live?
Author Carbine Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 But you're not six anymore, Carbine. You can either choose to 'buy in' that people are nothing more than the sum of their experiences and choose to stagnate as a scared six-year old.... or you can choose to make something more of your life. But I'm not living as a six year old. I'm 25. I've studied. I've travelled. I've had friends and enemies. I don't live life trying to learn something from a situation, or not learn something from a situation. I take from it what I take from it. If it changes my life for the better, great. If im worse off, well I'm worse off. If it doesnt do anything at all, as is the case with most experiences i've had, then what can i do about it? If not a sum of past experiences, then what ARE we? What's the secret ingredient? I'm not saying you're wrong, but the way I see it, from a rational, logical stance, I can't see how it's anything else other than our genes and history that make us who we are. As far as religion goes... believing costs you nothing. Believe in whatever comforts you what about the disapointment in being let down constantly? To me, that's a cost.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Carbine...this pity party needs to stop now...take control of your life...get into a substance abuse program...there are people who love you...look how many people WHO HAVE NEVER MET YOU care about what happens to you... I'm sorry for all the messed up things that have happened to you...but now it is time for you to make it better...CHOOSE to GET BETTER... Let me tell you, 25 isn't anywhere near the end...you haven't even touched the surface...now is a time when you start to change and become a grown woman...
Ladyjane14 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 But I'm not living as a six year old. I'm 25. Of course you are. But your emotional response isn't equal to your age or your eduacational experience. You seem to be seeing alot of things through that scared little girl's lens. If not a sum of past experiences, then what ARE we? What's the secret ingredient? CHOICES. We are also the sum of our choices. Bad things happen. They happen to EVERYBODY at some point or another. No one gets out of here alive. No one gets to keep all they love and care about on this earth. It's what you do, your choice of action, in dealing with it that makes life worthwhile or not. You've had some rough experiences, true enough. But there are folks who've had it worse. And if you think about the people you respect, your list is NOT going to be comprised of people who just rolled up in a ball and said "whatever". what about the disapointment in being let down constantly? To me, that's a cost. If you expect that some Higher Power is going to come swooping down out of the sky to make everything all right again... then you haven't spent much time in the development of your personal philosophy. Of course, you'd be disappointed. I'm not telling you that it's necessary to develop a RELIGION per se. But you do need to have some kind of philosophy if you're going to be happy.... something that YOU believe in. Your own personal take on "the meaning of life". What I believe in is only REALLY meaningful to me. Everybody else needs to get their own. But when you've got nothing, the world will only appear as chaos to you. Now... I'm going to be honest.... In light of your addiction, I have to wonder if it's not just a little bit handy to be living in that state of chaos . If nothing matters anyway, it stands to reason that there's nothing to stop you from continuing to feed the beast.
Author Carbine Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 No doubt I've managed to offend people on here, once again i've f**ked up. I should probably leave the forum now, as offending others and trying to beg for pity was never my intention.
puddleofmud Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 So what do you WANT? Please do not disregard those who gave caring responses--that may be what you perceive as "pity" but does not mean that any one deemed you as pitiful, now does it? I am not going to spar with you about that because it is useless and being argumentative just for the sake of arguement works for no one. If you wish to ask advice (you have) it may be taken or left. You are the one who asked--take it or leave it. However, it is not any of us who decides as to the actions of your life. It is up to you to OWN your actions and your life. You asked for opinions what you do with them is completely about and under your control. Either you just need attention or you wish to co-join with others who seek the same as you: a need for self-understanding. It is up to you as to whether or not you wish to continue via this forum but it is unfair to blame others who have been most kind to you as to your reactions about how you feel, especially considering that some are hurting as you are! If you feel that this forum is no longer meeting your purpose than you have every means to leave. You don't have to be here any more that anyone who cared enough to respond to you "had" to do so. Persons here offered prayers, advice and heart-felt kindness. Should you choose to leave I would humbly ask that you remember to pray for them in return...
sb129 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 You haven't offended anyone OR F***kED up carbine. But that attitude is what is one of your biggest hindrances. Ladyjane is being very supportive, she is showing you what maybe called TOUGH love. I agree with her!! While we know you are hurting and we know its pretty bad for you right now, constant self flagellation and selfpity is only going to end up being more destructive. YOU have the power to make you own happiness. Its not anyone elses responsibility. You ARE strong enough to make it happen. The best years of your life are waiting for you if you adopt this philosophy. TAKE CHARGE..... Read this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t109735/ there are a few relevant points that you may find helpful.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Read the posts again, Carbine. And this time try using a softer voice. Whenever I'm in doubt about the intention of a poster, I apply Maya Angelou's voice to it. Sometimes when I've done this, I realize that it was my own mood which initially affected my interpretation of the post. Nobody's yelling at you, sweetie. It's just imperative though that you see through to the other side of this pity party. You're standing in your own way, blocking the path to healing.
Ripples Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Carbine, I'd like to reiterate what LJ is saying about the inner child. She's your baby, no one else but you, can look after her anymore. Isn't that wonderful? You have the opportunity, having reached rock bottom (maybe not for the first time) to rebuild your life in a way that makes it a healthy one. Do you believe that you have control over your own life?
Jersey Shortie Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I tend to believe bachelor parties are more for his friends and less to do with bachelor himself. There is certain amount of peer pressure and tradition involved here. What guy enjoys having his friends goad him constantly or call him pussy whipped ad nauseam. Normally, it's just an excuse for guys to get into a drunken stupor and act like asses. It's a difficult decision for the groom-to-be. On one hand he has an angry, jealous, controlling woman to contend with on the other he risk losing face with his friends. Overall it's a lose-lose situation for the guy. Well, from a man's perspective, what is more important? Do you care more of your friends opinions or your woman's? Because while your friends might think you are pussy-whipped, your woman is thinking your dick-whipped. Regardless, we aren't 12 years old anymore and if you area grown man succumbing it peer pressure, I would question how much of a man you really are. Would men like it if women excused their behavior because of what their female friends wanted? I can deny my wife the right to work but I don't... I think some women would actually dig that. Men who prioritize they're own random 'wants' ahead of the 'needs' of a prospective partner, always have the option to remain single. It's just not possible to make a woman happy when objectifying other women is a bigger priority in your life. So if the "freedom" to objectify females is of the greatest import to a guy, where are his "balls" when he decides to tie some poor girl down, like a big dead albatross around her neck? It's not like he can't say 'no'. I think that was very well stated. It's like men "have" to be in a relationship. If you aren't in a relationship you can go to all the strippers you want and you won't be hurting anyone else in the process. That is a valid option that men should exercise if that is what they want. Men who frequent strip clubs may be objectifying women as sex toys, but it's a two way street, Ladies, due to the fact those strippers are objectifying men as walking ATM's. Then I feel both sad for the strippers and the men that go see them to be honest. They both seem to have little respect for themselves by purposely putting themselves in a situation where they are only being used for another's selfish gratification for a few minutes of attention. Like is so much more then that. But it requires that you put a little effort into it beyond your own wants.
Author Carbine Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 I don't know what to say anymore. All I want is to get him back. Please, please PLEASE help bring him back to me. Please.
Ripples Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 And how would that help you? How would that help the damaged child within you? No, Carbine, no one who cares about you will help you do any such thing.
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