Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 This woman and I met and had an instant connection. I didn't believe in love at first sight until I met her. It's like we knew each other forever. After a couple of months being just friends and occasionally talking, I found out she was married, but very unhappy. She had already asked her husband for a divorce and was in the process of going through it when we met. So we started dating while she was separated, but still divorcing. We had a great connection, did everything together, and were best friends. I have been married, dated, and been in a long term relationship. I have never had a psychic connection like she and I have. I truly believe we are soulmates. Well, after a six months of dating, she starts saying how she was scared because she was jumping from one relationship to another, but that she still loved me and wanted to be with me. Then the holidays come, and right after Thanksgiving, her and her soon to be ex-husband have a big fight. She goes over there to talk things out and never returns. She calls me the next day and says she was going back to him. That the pressures of kids being upset and holidays makes her think she should really be with him. All she did was talk about how much she hated him and all the ways they were opposite. I was very confused. I didn't contact her and she would contact me every few days for a couple weeks. She would tell me she really did love me, but she needed to do this. That I didn't understand the pressure she was under. I waited over 3 weeks more for her to contact me and she texted me out of the blue to tell me she misses me. After that, we started talking on the phone a bit because I wanted some questions answered. She tells me she loves me, and is miserable where she is, but she needs to figure things out and doesn't know where life is going to take her. She says she's confused. Here's my question.. she never calls or texts me. The last week, I have been the one calling her. She always answers and talks to me alot when I do call. Last night, she tells me it is probably best if we don't talk anymore so her "husband" doesn't find out and get upset. But then she sends me mixed signals because she says she would always answer my calls, doesn't regret us happening at all and loves me. Should I just go away? Should I wait for her to call me? Should I continue being friends with her and holding out hope that she may someday get her divorce and we can be together? Am I just being played for her ego?
oyster Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Should I continue being friends with her and holding out hope that she may someday get her divorce and we can be together? Am I just being played for her ego? dude, get register so I can follow your story. your story is very similar to mine, read the "NC purpose - open question" thread. Start No Contact with her. She is in guilt mode and has chosen the known turf of confortable misery rather than happiness. Don't walk, run. Set bounderaries, start dating others.
sadbuttrue Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 dont call her. she has made her choice. she should not be able to have her H and keep you waiting in the wings in case something goes wrong again and she wants another man's shoulder to cry on. it would be hard to continue to be her friend with the feelings you have. she would just be using you. sorry
sapphire0903 Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I was / am in your shoes. I know it is difficult to let go. Same advice was given to me ..........let go, don't try to be friends, no contact For me, I continue to be his friend, but I am also dating. (he knows) I do love him, and it is hard sometimes to "just be friends", however I would much rather have this person in my life in some way than not at all. Not necessarily in hopes that one day he will get his divorce, but because he is a genuine friend. Each person and relationship is different, however, she has decided to give the marriage another try, you must respect this decision. If not, then I would expect it to lead to alot more heartache, resentment, hurt feelings,..........nothing good. I had told my friend, that he can contact me, that I will not call him any longer, and that if I am available, I would have dinner with him, visit with him, but anything else, would be accepting less than I want. There have been a few times that we have crossed this line,early on........missing one another, but over time and distancing from each other, it has become easier. Just wanted you to know, you are not by yourself in this, ...........Good Luck!
syz Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Plain and simple she doesn't love you enough. Do you want her to be with you and still thinking of him or do you want her to be with him and still thinking of you?...either way her heart obviously wasn't as totally free and clear as she lead you to believe or wanted to believe herself or she wouldn't be back there. I held out hope that I would eventually be chosen as well and waited around without trying to wait around you know? But in the end it was a mess, she was confused, and I figured out that if she felt for me what I felt for her there wouldn't be any confusion at all...our heart clouds our head at times when we need our head the most. Move on. Simple not easy. Oh yeah and I tried the being friends thing...dumb dumb dumb. I kept getting roped back in and it accomplished nothing but delaying my healing and my life.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 You calling her is feeding her ego. Whatever she tells you about her husband, she more than likely is exaggerating, making it sound worse than it really is...To keep you IN her life in some sort of way. The best thing you can do for yourself, as painful as it will be for you, is end it. Tell her to work things out with her husband and leave you alone. Ask her to respect YOUR wishes. Ignore her calls/emails/Text messages... If you don't do this, you will be waiting and wanting a woman who is married and not going to leave her husband and family for you. Go read some other threads in this section and see what you're up against if you continue to allow her to treat you like crap. Say goodbye to her, grieve and let go of her. Find a woman who is single and will only love YOU.
riobikini Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Guest, if I had been your best friend back six months ago when you met her, I would have cautioned you *not* to date a woman going thru the motions of a separation, a divorce, or a serious break. So much for coulda, shoulda, woulda's. (Smile) Anyone going through any of those things is dealing with confused emotions, high drama (that they sometimes hide) and a whole lotta stuff that just puts you (and keeps you) in the *middle*, or hanging on a string of some sort. It doesn't matter about your "connection", how you feel, what you think, or how much you want to be with this woman: you're the guy who's "dispensable" in this scenario. Think it's "safe" to date one of these freshly divorced people after waiting a few months or a year? Chances are they need longer than that to get their head on straight and be able to contribute anything worthwhile to a relationship of any substance or meaning. If you venture out there and dive in before the dust has settled, chances are greater you're only going to wind up as fodder for some cute divorcee's cannibalistic dating routine. And that's just what happened to you. (Others take note.) Best you can do now is close the book on that experience, stay as far away as possible, and promise yourself to never fall into the transitioning relationship trap again. Good luck and take care. (Smile) -Rio
Texan Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Chances are they need longer than that to get their head on straight and be able to contribute anything worthwhile to a relationship of any substance or meaning. Absolutely true... I realized that myself after my divorce a little less than 4 years ago... it takes time to heal... to accept the loss... Kudos to Rio for saying it far better than I could.
norajane Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Should I just go away?Yes. Go away and find someone who can fully be yours. Last night, she tells me it is probably best if we don't talk anymore so her "husband" doesn't find out and get upset. She just told you what is most important to her. Believe her. Save yourself more grief and lost time you'll never get back. Why did you put "husband" in quotes - he is her husband, they are still married.
kimi2362 Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 This woman and I met and had an instant connection. I didn't believe in love at first sight until I met her. It's like we knew each other forever. After a couple of months being just friends and occasionally talking, I found out she was married, but very unhappy. She had already asked her husband for a divorce and was in the process of going through it when we met. So we started dating while she was separated, but still divorcing. We had a great connection, did everything together, and were best friends. I have been married, dated, and been in a long term relationship. I have never had a psychic connection like she and I have. I truly believe we are soulmates. Well, after a six months of dating, she starts saying how she was scared because she was jumping from one relationship to another, but that she still loved me and wanted to be with me. Then the holidays come, and right after Thanksgiving, her and her soon to be ex-husband have a big fight. She goes over there to talk things out and never returns. She calls me the next day and says she was going back to him. That the pressures of kids being upset and holidays makes her think she should really be with him. All she did was talk about how much she hated him and all the ways they were opposite. I was very confused. I didn't contact her and she would contact me every few days for a couple weeks. She would tell me she really did love me, but she needed to do this. That I didn't understand the pressure she was under. I waited over 3 weeks more for her to contact me and she texted me out of the blue to tell me she misses me. After that, we started talking on the phone a bit because I wanted some questions answered. She tells me she loves me, and is miserable where she is, but she needs to figure things out and doesn't know where life is going to take her. She says she's confused. Here's my question.. she never calls or texts me. The last week, I have been the one calling her. She always answers and talks to me alot when I do call. Last night, she tells me it is probably best if we don't talk anymore so her "husband" doesn't find out and get upset. But then she sends me mixed signals because she says she would always answer my calls, doesn't regret us happening at all and loves me. Should I just go away? Should I wait for her to call me? Should I continue being friends with her and holding out hope that she may someday get her divorce and we can be together? Am I just being played for her ego? The sooner you decide to walk away the better off you will be. It appears to me that when she is having a bad day or a wild hair up her ass, then she will contact you, you are her cushion and when she feels secure in knowing that she can turn to you for comfort she will contact you again. This will be ongoing as long as you allow it. Do yourself a favor...move on. You deserve better.
frannie Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I agree with most of what's being said here. In addition to oyster's posts, I would suggest you look up threads by an OM called BKRPM as he has been in a similar situation to yours for a long time now. Best of luck.
Recommended Posts