ohno07 Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I’m currently living with my boyfriend. Everything is wonderful- he’s extremely honest, smart, fun, all the great things a woman looks for in a partner. The only problem that I have is that he keeps in touch with a lot of ex-girlfriends. Not just one or two, I’ve met around 8 or so and there’s still more. So, clearly he’s not a jerk or these ladies would not remain friends with him. However, I’m horribly uncomfortable with this and he just doesn’t understand. I do trust him, however, I’m quite familiar with the literature on the power of the situation- how no one can really predict what his/her actions will be in a given situation. There was an incident that I can’t seem to get over- there was a drinking game that he was engaged in that involved sexual content with a group of women with whom he had previous relations. I was right upstairs at that time. Now, I wonder what could have happened if I wasn’t there. Beer, sexual talk, and ex-girlfriends don’t mix in my head. He can’t seem to understand how inappropriate that was and I wonder what other behaviors he doesn’t find inappropriate. I feel that his intentions are innocent, but he’s putting himself in the line of temptations. Furthermore, another ex is in the same line of work and they see each other at conferences. They were at a party together and then walked back to the hotel together. I’m horribly uncomfortable with this particular situation. Yes, he could just be acting as a gentleman walking a girl home, but someone else could have had that job- there are other friends available for that. I feel like the crazy girlfriend when I bring up these matters. So, how do I handle this? Why does he have to remain friends with so many exes? I can understand one or two, but there’s just too many. I don’t understand his need to keep in touch. He attests that some are members of a larger group of friends and doesn’t see the point in dropping the ones with whom he’s had a romantic relationship. I have a group of friend that my ex is a part of, but I don’t talk to him, I talk to the rest. What do I do? I’m madly in love with him (marriage has been discussed) and I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship with jealously, but I don’t think I’m so abnormal with these feelings. How do I handle this?
CaliGuy Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 You either put your foot down and tell him to cut it out or you leave him. It seems to me you want to have healthy boundaries but don't know how to set them. You set a boundary by saying "I don't like your behavior and if it doesn't change then I'll have to make a choice to leave the relationship." You aren't making him stop, he has to decide to do that on his own but if he doesn't, he knows what the repercussions are.
Guest Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 You recently replied to a post of mine, saying that your situation was similar - you're right, even about the ex being in the same line of work and seeing each other at conferences!! Still, I think your situation is more extreme than mine! I'm probably not the best person to give advice on this, because of my own jealousy issues, but his behaviour just seems over the top to me, *especially* the game they were playing while you were upstairs. I agree - your feelings are certainly not abnormal, and I know very few women who'd be accepting of this. Anyway, feelings are feelings, and they aren't right or wrong. It's about how it affects you in the relationship. How have you tried to talk to him about this and how has he responded? When you say he doesn't understand, does he think you are possessive or jealous, or is he sympathetic? The reason I ask is because that will probably have a bearing on the outcome. If he's sympathetic, even if he doesn't understand, he might be open to negotiation, whereas if he thinks you are unreasonable, he might not be willing to change things. I'm also wondering what kind of relationship you have with these women and whether they know how you feel? In any case, even though they might be part of a larger group of friends, the fact that they appear to get singled out for special attention would be an issue for me. I sympathise. Like my b/f, yours is clearly not a jerk or these women wouldn't want to know him. In my situation, it's made me feel sometimes as if I must be the one in the wrong, the crazy one, the unrealistic one who has "issues", who can't accept an innocent friendship or two. But these aren't regular friendships. I know what you mean when you say that you trust him, but you still have these fears. That's the way I feel too. I know that my b/f's intentions are good, and loyal, but this is a situation where temptation is being openly displayed. It's not good.
Aussie65 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 I felt like I was reading my own words up until the part about the ex's playing the drinking game with him. I would have drawn the line well and truly there before even inviting them into our home. When I met my man,some weeks later he STILL had rather explicit pics of one of his ex's on his phone and I really went off about it but he could not see why and replied that they were his past and he wanted to take them off his phone and put them onto his computer but never got around to it....so in otherwords these saucy pics of his ex in a g-string and no top on in an uncompromising position was OK for him to keep and to top it off he still kept in touch with her! I later found out from his sister that this girl dumped him so maybe he wasn't toltally over her,either way....the girls had to go or it was me walking out that door. I removed many of the ones off his computer that he had been intimate with in the past......obviously from my latest posts I didn;t do a very good job as now he is talking to two women he met on a singles site before I met him!. This does upset me too so I know how you both must feel....if anything,THIS is pretty much our biggest problem in our relationship and he cannot see why yet he doesn't like the idea I get along so well with my ex husband that I had two children to.I told him....it's different...we had a family together.....you and these girls didn't and I don't call my ex all the time and vice versa like these ones do with him. I honestly don't know what advice to give you both only that I understand where your coming from and it's hard to trust completely knowing this is going on right?As much as they want you to trust them they do have to earn it. Why carry on so much baggage?Are they so insecure they need this attention from other women?When he speaks he often says things like " the other girls" referring to his previous relationships and has sometimes even called me by his ex wifes name lol...that really gets me going. I am no angel and have had my fair share of different men too in the past but I don't carry them into each relationship I have there after and still speak of them as an example all the time. Anyhow,I wish you the best of luck!
Guest Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 People often times deserve the benefit of the doubt how ever i have to agree ith you if you are with someone and you guys are in to each other there should be no reason why he is doing wat he is doing out of respect for you he should stop don't ignore the problem as it might hurt you later put an end to it talk with him tell him how you feel and give him a second chance if the behaviour continues put an end to the relationship.
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