Turned down a meeting....

[notmakingsense]

So... if some of you have followed my last posts, my exgf (who I dumped) has been contacting me with calls about nothing in particular -- simple, light "hi messages to check in on me. I dumped, but I was forced into the role because of her lack of commitment. I chose to dump her on a day when she wasn't returning phone calls -- so I did it by e-mail.

 

In her last call to me, she made a comment about the e-mail dump -- kind of in a joking way. That got me thinking today, so I decided to send her an e-mail today (I know, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID) and offered to talk to her about what happened if she wanted to. Yes, I know, this was a thinly veiled attempt at getting her to apologize and make things right.

 

Anyway, she responded that she thinks about me all the time, and misses me because I was such a big part of her life. She told me that If I wanted to get together with her -- unrelated to the breakup, that she'd love to.

 

So, to add insult to the injury of contacting her in the first place, I replied that I really could not meet her now without getting serious because I was still dealing with feelings related to the breakup, and that it will take me a while before I could ever meet her just for fun.

 

She replied back... "Ok, take care"

 

So, crap. Me, of all people -- Mr. "No Contact". And, I just gave her all the power back because I let her know that I'm the little victim, pining away at home -- unable to even meet because of my feelings.

 

Why am I posting this? So all of you can once again LEARN FROM MY EXPERIENCE!!! No contact is always better. Really.

[johnnytable]

You did okay and learned from your experience, don't worry about that.

 

Whether or not she has power is in your mind. Eventually she will have zero power (still in your mind) as you will be back to yourself again. As we know, NC really helps with this!

[MagnoliaJane]

NMS,

 

You did what comes natural to human beings, you reached out. Don't beat yourself up for that! This is not a power game. But remember, don't look at her through your mind. She obviously sees things differently. She's still in her "no commitment way". IMO, NC does not miraculously "change" somebody. Nor does calling. She will only change if it comes from within her, because she WANTS to. Obviously she's comfortable with the way she is, and she gives you a choice: my way or no way.

 

So, you've learned something valuable by reaching out. It may not be what you would want to learn, but there it is.

 

My CP ex is trying to come back too. Off course, on HIS terms.

 

Hang in there!

[princessa]

Hey I've read your story and I can relate with what just happened with my ex. He too, doesn't want to commit and doesn't want to make me a priority in his life. Just like your ex, he often used to call so say "hi" or talk about everything BUT the relationship. Everytime I'd dump him he'd come back and tell me how important I am to him and that would just make me melt and go back to him, trying to make him understand that I desperately need him to make some changes.

 

I thought he just didn't understand, I thought that maybe if I had been more undestanding of him, then maybe he'd be able to be understanding of me. Nah, the bottom line is that these people understand everything perfectly, but they just don't want to change. They just can't make you a priority. Sure they might love you, but they only wanna keep you around on their own terms. And that's just selfish. Don't let her have her way with you. You know what you want from her, and you've made it clear, so stick to your guns.

 

If you really feel bad that she's had the last word in this last phone conversation, don't. Let me tell you, you could really go meet her and have a "closure" discussion. But you will only come to that same exact conclusion with her, where you say "look I want you to be committed and make me a priority", and she'd be like "what? I thought we met just to have fun.. well, see you next time". And even if she manages to grow the balls to give you a precise answer, it will obviously be not what you want to hear. If she was ready for serious stuff I think she'd make it explicit. So you already know that the outcome of such a discussion will not move you any forward in your healing process. Yes it does feel good to have the last word, but essentially it will set you back a bit in terms of left-over feelings and pain. So you judge what you'd rather have. Also if you talk to her again you'll run the additional risk of falling back in. So I'd say stay away.

 

I feel you though, being the dumper sucks. But at least we can console ourselves by knowing that we've had enough self-respect to show them that we deserve to be treated better.

[notmakingsense]

You did okay and learned from your experience, don't worry about that.

 

Whether or not she has power is in your mind. Eventually she will have zero power (still in your mind) as you will be back to yourself again. As we know, NC really helps with this!

Thanks for the support JT! It is all in my mind.... NC will help. I know.

[notmakingsense]

NMS,

 

You did what comes natural to human beings, you reached out. Don't beat yourself up for that! This is not a power game. But remember, don't look at her through your mind. She obviously sees things differently. She's still in her "no commitment way". IMO, NC does not miraculously "change" somebody. Nor does calling. She will only change if it comes from within her, because she WANTS to. Obviously she's comfortable with the way she is, and she gives you a choice: my way or no way.

 

So, you've learned something valuable by reaching out. It may not be what you would want to learn, but there it is.

 

My CP ex is trying to come back too. Off course, on HIS terms.

 

Hang in there!

This is so true.... I guess I was thinking that the NC had caused her to re-think her ways with me. I was wrong. She's still not in to commitment, and she's happy being with me as long as it doesn't have the trappings of a real committed relationship.

 

Thanks for the support NJ -- looks we are in the same boat here.

[notmakingsense]

Hey I've read your story and I can relate with what just happened with my ex. He too, doesn't want to commit and doesn't want to make me a priority in his life. Just like your ex, he often used to call so say "hi" or talk about everything BUT the relationship. Everytime I'd dump him he'd come back and tell me how important I am to him and that would just make me melt and go back to him, trying to make him understand that I desperately need him to make some changes.

 

I thought he just didn't understand, I thought that maybe if I had been more undestanding of him, then maybe he'd be able to be understanding of me. Nah, the bottom line is that these people understand everything perfectly, but they just don't want to change. They just can't make you a priority. Sure they might love you, but they only wanna keep you around on their own terms. And that's just selfish. Don't let her have her way with you. You know what you want from her, and you've made it clear, so stick to your guns.

 

Other than the genders being reverse, we could be dating the same person! What is maddening about my ex is that I know that she's capabile of a comitted relationship -- she was in a 17 year marriage before she met me! I have a harder time getting over it because I internalize things and make them my fault, as in "She was able to get married before, so her commitment problem is just with me."

 

If you really feel bad that she's had the last word in this last phone conversation, don't. Let me tell you, you could really go meet her and have a "closure" discussion. But you will only come to that same exact conclusion with her, where you say "look I want you to be committed and make me a priority", and she'd be like "what? I thought we met just to have fun.. well, see you next time". And even if she manages to grow the balls to give you a precise answer, it will obviously be not what you want to hear. If she was ready for serious stuff I think she'd make it explicit. So you already know that the outcome of such a discussion will not move you any forward in your healing process. Yes it does feel good to have the last word, but essentially it will set you back a bit in terms of left-over feelings and pain. So you judge what you'd rather have. Also if you talk to her again you'll run the additional risk of falling back in. So I'd say stay away.

 

I feel you though, being the dumper sucks. But at least we can console ourselves by knowing that we've had enough self-respect to show them that we deserve to be treated better.

 

This is SO TRUE! princessa -- you put this so well, and I know it is true because I've gone down that road before! I actually don't trust myself at all. I am so far gone for this woman, that I absolutely don't trust myself to handle a meeting with her. This is why I turned her down last night. I melt every time. This same situation happened last year. She tried to talk me in to a FWB situation, I went for it, then 2 weeks later felt like crap again.

 

I'm desperately trying to break this toxic cycle with her. I'm doing the best I ever have before and sometimes that makes me feel good. I don't want to destroy my progress by a failed meeting with her.

[CaliGuy]

NMS, "feces occuri"

 

It happens. We all make mistakes. I can tell that during the course of your messages that she was just wanting to make sure you're still on a string. When she said she wanted to meet with you but not talk about the relationship, that was a test.

 

Unfortunately you failed it. But that's ok, you've learned a valuable lesson. Don't contact her anymore and move on with your life. You know she's not right for you and in time that fact will become clear to you.

[princessa]

I have a harder time getting over it because I internalize things and make them my fault, as in "She was able to get married before, so her commitment problem is just with me."

 

I feel the same with my ex, and although I don't internalize stuff, I do second-guess myself all the time and make up excuses for him. Well I used to. It's natural to want to better yourself for the sake of being in peace with somebody you love. But ultimately you owe it to yourself to look after your own interests. Yes we all have lots of faults, but not EVERYTHING is your fault. And it doesn't really matter whose fault it is. What matters is (A) do you both want the same thing, and (B) does SHE work as hard as you on making things right. In my case the answer to both of these was pretty much no.. no matter how much I believe that his intentions were pure.... I don't know I guess love just ain't enough....

 

 

I'm desperately trying to break this toxic cycle with her. I'm doing the best I ever have before and sometimes that makes me feel good. I don't want to destroy my progress by a failed meeting with her.

 

Then don't.. we have to stay strong... my ex also tried a million times to convince me to be friends with him (respectfully, w/o benefits).. I know that he wants to have me around, but I think that if he can't commit to something serious and make me happy, then he doesn't deserve to access the privileges of being around me. It sucks but ultimately I say to myself... He always has a choice.. He picked the break up instead of a commitment to me... which then means that not seeing me at all will make him less miserable than being committed to me.... It sucks and I will never for the life of me understand that logic, but that's how it is. Maybe they're still hopeful that they'll be able to suck us back in on their own terms? I don't know, but I've decided not to let him have his way with me. I deserve to have at least some control over what happens with my love life, and I've decided to move on cause it's what's best for me. And that's what we should both keep in mind. If you can't get somebody to let you have your way once in a while, then what's the point. We're not their entertainment damnit.

[princessa]

NMS, "feces occuri"

 

It happens. We all make mistakes. I can tell that during the course of your messages that she was just wanting to make sure you're still on a string. When she said she wanted to meet with you but not talk about the relationship, that was a test.

 

Unfortunately you failed it. But that's ok, you've learned a valuable lesson. Don't contact her anymore and move on with your life. You know she's not right for you and in time that fact will become clear to you.

 

You're talking as if these people are malicious players hearbreakers. I have a problem with that bc the same thing happened to me and I know for a fact that my ex had good intentions.... The "she wants to have you on a string" explanation really doesn't make any sense to me.

[notmakingsense]

I feel the same with my ex, and although I don't internalize stuff, I do second-guess myself all the time and make up excuses for him. Well I used to. It's natural to want to better yourself for the sake of being in peace with somebody you love. But ultimately you owe it to yourself to look after your own interests. Yes we all have lots of faults, but not EVERYTHING is your fault. And it doesn't really matter whose fault it is. What matters is (A) do you both want the same thing, and (B) does SHE work as hard as you on making things right. In my case the answer to both of these was pretty much no.. no matter how much I believe that his intentions were pure.... I don't know I guess love just ain't enough....

 

It is true... love isn't enough. I do really believe that she loves me, but we don't want the same things now, and she definitely isn't willing to work as hard on the relationship as me. It sucks, but it is life I guess.

 

Then don't.. we have to stay strong... my ex also tried a million times to convince me to be friends with him (respectfully, w/o benefits).. I know that he wants to have me around, but I think that if he can't commit to something serious and make me happy, then he doesn't deserve to access the privileges of being around me. It sucks but ultimately I say to myself... He always has a choice.. He picked the break up instead of a commitment to me... which then means that not seeing me at all will make him less miserable than being committed to me.... It sucks and I will never for the life of me understand that logic, but that's how it is. Maybe they're still hopeful that they'll be able to suck us back in on their own terms? I don't know, but I've decided not to let him have his way with me. I deserve to have at least some control over what happens with my love life, and I've decided to move on cause it's what's best for me. And that's what we should both keep in mind. If you can't get somebody to let you have your way once in a while, then what's the point. We're not their entertainment damnit.

 

Boy our exes do think the same way! I don't understand it either. Like you, I do deserve to have some control over my own love life. I should expect more, and the more I keep things hanging on with her, the longer I'm blocking myself mentally from meeting someone who is better for me.

 

Ugh.

[notmakingsense]

You're talking as if these people are malicious players hearbreakers. I have a problem with that bc the same thing happened to me and I know for a fact that my ex had good intentions.... The "she wants to have you on a string" explanation really doesn't make any sense to me.

 

I agree with this sentiment in a way. I know my ex did not have "bad" intentions. I believe she genuinely cares for me. However, she is willing to walk away if I don't give her what she wants: an uncommitted relationship. She uses her check-ins to see if I've perhaps caved-in and am changing over to her line of thinking.

 

But... I once got a comment (from Mz Pixie I believe) that "She doesn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to have me". Sometimes I think that this is true -- in the past, whenever I start to actually move on and date other women -- she has this "radar" that causes her to come chasing after me really hard.

[CaliGuy]

You're talking as if these people are malicious players hearbreakers. I have a problem with that bc the same thing happened to me and I know for a fact that my ex had good intentions.... The "she wants to have you on a string" explanation really doesn't make any sense to me.

 

She added the caveat "No talking about the relationship" as a prerequisite to them meeting. That was a test.

 

See, in NMS's case, he was forced to dump her. He didn't want to, but he had to. She really forced his hand.

 

Most ex's when they contact you after long periods of NC do so just to see if you're hooked. They may not even do it intentionally but the reasons for contact, if they aren't seeking reconcilliation are unnecessary, really. What's the point? You can not be friends with someone you are in love with.

 

So why would an ex reach out to you when they don't want to be with you anymore? The only logical reason I can find is to make sure you're not with someone else and readily available should they need a "back up lover."

 

I just don't see the need to stay friends with an ex until you are completely indifferent towards them.

[princessa]

So why would an ex reach out to you when they don't want to be with you anymore? The only logical reason I can find is to make sure you're not with someone else and readily available should they need a "back up lover."

 

No the reason is that they still want to be with you. Just on their own terms. They want to have their way and I guess to see if you've changed your mind about your requests.

[CaliGuy]

I agree with this sentiment in a way. I know my ex did not have "bad" intentions. I believe she genuinely cares for me. However, she is willing to walk away if I don't give her what she wants: an uncommitted relationship. She uses her check-ins to see if I've perhaps caved-in and am changing over to her line of thinking.

 

In other words, as long as her needs are being met and yours are not, she is fine with being in a relationship with you.

 

That's selfish on her part. She isn't meeting your needs and you did the right thing. Find someone who can meet your needs and you meet hers.

 

But... I once got a comment (from Mz Pixie I believe) that "She doesn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to have me". Sometimes I think that this is true -- in the past, whenever I start to actually move on and date other women -- she has this "radar" that causes her to come chasing after me really hard.

 

Yep. So what. If she can't commit then she doesn't deserve your time. Someone else out there will be able to meet your needs. It's better you leave this "girl" behind and go find a woman. A real woman.

[CaliGuy]

No the reason is that they still want to be with you. Just on their own terms. They want to have their way and I guess to see if you've changed your mind about your requests.

 

Like I said, they want their needs met and could care less about yours.

 

That's not a good foundation for healthy relationship.

[princessa]

Like I said, they want their needs met and could care less about yours.

 

That's not a good foundation for healthy relationship.

 

Agreed.....

[notmakingsense]

Agreed as well..... I really appreciate all of your support. On LS, I often come across as the strong advisor, but its times like this that I really need the help and reminders of what is truly right.

[CaliGuy]

Agreed as well..... I really appreciate all of your support. On LS, I often come across as the strong advisor, but its times like this that I really need the help and reminders of what is truly right.

 

NMS, it's easy to give advice when you don't have an emotional attachment to the outcome. Much harder to follow when you do.

 

Just because we dispense advice does not mean we don't understand the difference between good or bad advice or that it's easy for us to take said advice.

 

Continue to give advice where you see fit. Many times myself I have been given great advice only to let my heart interfere with my head. It's natural. We want to do the right thing, we just don't/can't always follow through.

 

I've been called a hypocrite here on LS because I would give advice and then have a hard time taking it. Apparently those people felt that they were immune from the same problems we all face: Doing what is right vs doing what your heart draws you to.

 

It's ok, I am not angry about it. Advice is free and boundless. There's plenty here. Sometimes we take it, sometimes we don't. Either way, as long as we're learning that's the important part.

[MagnoliaJane]

Funny you mentioned the "radar" NMS. I came back home from a first date with somebody two weekends ago, and guess who had mailed me to ask to spend New Years Eve together?

 

My CP ex spontaneously admits he's messed up and selfish and not emotionally stable. He's 44 now, never got married, no kids! He blames it on his parents and upbringing...

 

Does your ex blame it on her past relationship?

 

Whatever the reason may be or have been, they choose themselves over anyone else.

 

I thought love was the other way around?

 

As long as they think being in a committed relationship means loosing something instead of gaining they will never come around.

 

What bothers me, though, is that they walk out through the main entrance and then try to sneak their way in through the back door.

[Mz. Pixie]

So... if some of you have followed my last posts, my exgf (who I dumped) has been contacting me with calls about nothing in particular -- simple, light "hi messages to check in on me. I dumped, but I was forced into the role because of her lack of commitment. I chose to dump her on a day when she wasn't returning phone calls -- so I did it by e-mail.

 

In her last call to me, she made a comment about the e-mail dump -- kind of in a joking way. That got me thinking today, so I decided to send her an e-mail today (I know, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID) and offered to talk to her about what happened if she wanted to. Yes, I know, this was a thinly veiled attempt at getting her to apologize and make things right.

 

Anyway, she responded that she thinks about me all the time, and misses me because I was such a big part of her life. She told me that If I wanted to get together with her -- unrelated to the breakup, that she'd love to.

 

So, to add insult to the injury of contacting her in the first place, I replied that I really could not meet her now without getting serious because I was still dealing with feelings related to the breakup, and that it will take me a while before I could ever meet her just for fun.

 

She replied back... "Ok, take care"

 

So, crap. Me, of all people -- Mr. "No Contact". And, I just gave her all the power back because I let her know that I'm the little victim, pining away at home -- unable to even meet because of my feelings.

 

Why am I posting this? So all of you can once again LEARN FROM MY EXPERIENCE!!! No contact is always better. Really.

 

Isn't this par for course?? Hasn't she done this before???

[notmakingsense]

Funny you mentioned the "radar" NMS. I came back home from a first date with somebody two weekends ago, and guess who had mailed me to ask to spend New Years Eve together?

 

Yes -- isn't that funny? I've always wondered how they can figure that out when you aren't talking to them. It never fails though!

 

My CP ex spontaneously admits he's messed up and selfish and not emotionally stable. He's 44 now, never got married, no kids! He blames it on his parents and upbringing...

 

Does your ex blame it on her past relationship?

 

She used to blame it on her ex husband's cheating and not being able to trust again. Now she doesn't blame it on anything. Instead, she's gotten increasingly adept at avoiding the topic all together. You see, with her, nothing is ever her issue. If you try to talk about something that might be her issue, she shuts down the conversation. This is why she was so careful to tell me that she really is interested in seeing me again, but only if I don't bring up these issues.

 

Whatever the reason may be or have been, they choose themselves over anyone else.

 

I thought love was the other way around?

 

As long as they think being in a committed relationship means loosing something instead of gaining they will never come around.

 

What bothers me, though, is that they walk out through the main entrance and then try to sneak their way in through the back door.

 

I like that analogy. She is a confused individual indeed. I need to do a better job of keeping my distance.

[notmakingsense]

Isn't this par for course?? Hasn't she done this before???

 

I knew you'd jump in at some point! Yes, same old tricks. The big difference this time is that she's started back at me a bit earlier than normal -- I think it is because I did the dumping before she got a chance to do her own distancing. The other big difference so far is that I haven't succumbed to her advances. Help keep me strong Mz Pixie!

[Mz. Pixie]

Help keep me strong Mz Pixie!

 

Well I try but seriously you've got to stick to your guns this time. She is just not into you like you are her.

 

I always know when you leave LS and don't come back that you guys are back together!

[notmakingsense]

I always know when you leave LS and don't come back that you guys are back together!

 

What, and succumb to a public flogging?