Cupcake Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I have been dating this guy long distance for about three months. He's 32 years old. I've been flying out to see him (because I work for an airline and travel free) every other weekend for the past two months. He has never been to my home. Last week, we planned for him to come to my place this week because he is on vacation from work. We made these plans last Tuesday night. I hadn't heard from him since then. It was strange that he didn't call me for the rest of the week. I called him several times over the weekend, but he didn't answer. He was supposed to fly out today, but he called me this evening and said he was scared to come here because he didn't know what I was capable of. He was afraid that he might get here and I would do something to hurt him. I was insulted and confused. I didn't know why he thought this way. I asked him and he couldn't tell me why. He seemed confused himself. Then he started asking me questions about what kind of entertainment I had at my place to keep him occupied (cable, video games, ect.) He concluded that my place was boring. He told me that if I wanted him to visit my home, I should give him a damn good reason. Otherwise, he insisted that I should fly up to his place instead, like I always do. I can't go to his place because of work. Since I'm not going there, and he's not comming here, I won't get to spend any time with him during his vacation. I don't understand. I'm upset and confused. Why did he wait until today to do this to me. As far as I know, I haven't given him any reason to be afraid of me. What he said today hurt me so much, I didn't get to ask him why didn't call me last week, or this weekend. I was too busy trying to figure out why he didn't trust me, and why he didn't want to visit me all of a sudden. Should I be concerned that he won't visit me, or should I just continue visiting him? BTW, I was giving him a free airline ticket, so traveling wasn't an issue.
Curmudgeon Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I wouldn't be at all concerned. I'd simply drop him like a hot rock. He's either selfish, uncaring, controlling, unbalanced or some combination of several or all of those. A relationship is NOT a one-way street and that includes any travel involved as well. He told you that you were boring. What other reason do you need to send him packing ON HIS DIME?
Mezzi Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Ok at first I thought maybe he didnt want to purchase a ticket, but that is not the case. Did you guys meet over the internet or something? If so, I can sort of understand his concerns. Are you guys of different races or cultures? I would have felt hurt if someone I was dating said that to me as well. I dont think you should continue flying out there, in my opinion that's just prolonging the cycle of you always putting out the effort to see him. Maybe you shouldnt call him for awhile and see if he will initiate communication. Or maybe he just wants everything on a platter and is just rude and likes to put out little effort but expects to keep a woman. I definitely dont like that he said "give me a damn good reason to" My best advice is to not call him or communicate with him until he does.
Author Cupcake Posted January 10, 2007 Author Posted January 10, 2007 Did you guys meet over the internet or something? If so, I can sort of understand his concerns. Are you guys of different races or cultures? We met at my job. He was traveling on a rare occasion for a special part of his job. He has nothing to be afraid of. I mean, if he was seriously afraid of me, why would he allow me to visit his home? If I wanted to hurt him, I could do that at his place too. When I was on my vacation last month, I stayed at his house four days, three nights. While he was at work during the day, I was at his place alone, with his cats for 9 hours. He didn't seem to have any problems with that. I didn't break anything. Each day, I was ready when he returned from work to do whatever he wanted: sex, dinner, ect. He actually cooked for me a few times. So I was eager to return the favor when he came to visit me. But now, I can't.
Mezzi Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I understand and I sympathize as I too would feel hurt. The relationship is young just three months and I think you broke him into a bad habit by flying to him every other week for two months out of the three. You seem nice and as it stands the guy you are dating does not seem as good-natured. It seems to be a relationship on his terms and I think that should change to an extent. Well you didnt meet over the internet and have spent a great deal of time at his house. Therefore, I can only conclude that his "I am scared" arguement is really a "I dont want to inconvenience myself" arguement. He wants everything done on his own terms. However, is it a case of him not being able to afford the ticket and maybe felt insulted that you are giving him a free one or maybe he just doesnt believe in charity? Or maybe he would feel less powerful on your turf or something of the sort. I still believe the best thing to do is to resist contacting him until he contacts you. You will be able to come to some conclusions based on how long he takes to call you. If and when he calls you ask him all the stuff you asked here about you staying at his house for days and him not being concerned with his safety.
norajane Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Uh, sorry, but he sounds wacko to me. You've been visiting him all this time, and now suddenly he's worried about "what you're capable of"? Like what? And then, no, he can't come because of cable? Hello? Is he not visiting YOU? Why does he care about video games? Wacko. Paranoid. Unbalanced. Freakshow. RUN and be glad you didn't let him into your home!
Author Cupcake Posted January 10, 2007 Author Posted January 10, 2007 Not contacting him until he contacts me is fair. About me getting the ticket for him, that came up while he was questioning me about entertainment at my place. He refused to pay for a ticket. That was a part of the whole "give me a damn good reason" thing. I get a number of free ones to give to friends each year. He wanted to make sure I was giving one to him for this trip. But even that wasn't enough to convince him. However, he can definately afford to pay for it if he wanted to. Money doesn't seem to be an issue for either of us. I will wait for him to contact me again. I'm afraid though, what if he doesn't call me again for several weeks, or months. Asking him all these questions will be irrelevent by then. I will have more questions about why it took so long for him to contact me. This week would have been the first time we've seen each other since the new year. I don't know if he is trying to break up with me, or what. Right now, I'm soo unbalanced. It feels like the floor has been pulled from underneath me.
Mezzi Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Im glad I was able to give you some seemingly good advice Be strong, resist the urge to call him. If he takes awhile to call you or doesnt at all that is a sure sign that this guy was using you. You have no enough, its time this guy did some work i.e. some pursuing and showed some interest in you and this relationship. To me the guy just isnt interested in visiting you and wants everything on a silver platter. He doesnt want to pay for a ticket, you offer to give him one, he then says well I might get bored what do you have to entertain me. Even if you had a video arcade in your home, he would find another excuse not to visit. He eventually resorts to "You might harm me, im scared" *rolls eyes* He wants a king's life without doing a king's work. If this guy takes forever and a day to call, I dont even think you should bother accepting it. Or if you do question him but then leave him alone. I think he thinks you are some sweet person, he can use and use, its time to put a stop to that. I am smelling negative vibes a million miles away from this guy.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 he sounds like an idiot to me. long distance relationships are hard and both people have to put in effort for them to work. i go to college an hour 1/2 away from my boyfriend (granted its closer than u guys are) but he still drives up there every other weekend and i come to visit him, so we see each other every weekend. i made it pretty clear to him that i wasnt going to be the one coming to visit him all the time, so maybe this dude thinks that cause u were always willing to come see him he didn't have to put in any effort. men and dumb sometimes. i think u need to tell this guy that there is nothing to be afraid of and u just want to show him as good a time as he showed u at his house. he does sound like kind of an ass though saying those things to to u, so if u run that littel thing by him and he gives u crap then find some other good closer to u who isnt "afraid".
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