That Time Old Question

[Guest]

Hi All,

 

I've read with interest this thread and I felt at least as though I'm not alone! I met my MM at work in Dec 05. We began as friends and in April we became lovers. He has been married for 12 years and has two children. He married when he was 19 and his wife is five years older than him.

 

I know this has been said time and time again but "it just happened"! We're very similar with similar tastes and personalities and we clicked more than I've ever clicked with anyone before. Every day I would tell myself that we wouldnt last much longer and that I would finish it. I never have, I'm just too weak.

 

His wife found some texts on his mobile phone from him to me and went mad. I left work and he also left work (for different reasons) and we got a job together at a different place. Hiw wife, unsurprisingly found out that we worked together again and was understandably livid. She visited my place of work, injured him quite seriously and really showed her anger.

 

The position I am now in is really bizarre. He has left his wife and stays at his mums house. He calls me every evening so I know he's there. But he still hasnt told his wife that there's anything going on between me and him even though he has "left" her. He's terrified of her finding out and believes that she will use the children against him. She has asked his young son to call the office sometimes which is as harrowing for my MM as it probably is for his son.

 

His wife wants him to come home. I see him at work all day then he goes home to be with his wife and children until about 11 (his wife works some evenings so he does a lot of caring for his children). Then he goes back to his mums house, calls me and then goes to sleep.

 

I'm try to be as supportive as I can. But part of me thinks that now he has left, it's time that he probably told her that I'm in his life. I'm starting to get worried about why he isnt telling her. I'm totally naive, I know, but is there anything staring me in the face that I'm missing? I just cant quite see the woods for the trees with my MM and I would appreciate the opinion of all you OW out there.

 

Thanks a lot and good luck with yours

 

SG x

[movinon05]

I fear your thread has gotten lost in the shuffle as this place can be very busy, but I'll take a stab at it.

 

Given the volatile situation you presented, I don't know that its a good idea right now for your MM to just own up to you. He's got a lot more issues to deal with. If what you're saying is true, and he really is staying at his mum's and taking care of the kids while the W is at work, it sounds like he's got a lot on his plate. If he really wants to end the M, his is going to have to stick to his guns and eventually I would think, his W would get the idea. But it sounds like right now he is stuck with his situation until he does something more specific, like filing for a D. I'm sure he's feeling like he's being pulled in different directions. That's just my take for now. How long has he been out of the house?

 

You should give yourself a name and continue posting.

[pureinheart]

These things can get quite violent....the W is not right in the head, she is a control freak and I'm surprized she hasn't come after you.

 

No relationship is worth all of the drama, in fact, right relationships worthy of a future contain peace and love....

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why would he tell her if he doesn't have to?

 

Keeping you a secret is far less of a hassle than it is to tell his wife about you. Its much easier for him. There is no way this guy is going to voluntarily tell his wife about you, so you'll basically just have to be content with being the OW in secret for a while until he figures out what it is he wants to do with his marriage.

 

There have been plenty of instances where the OW was kept a secret during the separation, and even for a while after the separation/divorce - because the MM was afraid of retaliation from the W (using adultery/alienation of affection/criminal conversation in a divorce hearing), and afraid of how it would look to other people.

 

You'll likely be waiting a while.

[frannie]

Hello there and welcome to the boards.

 

Hm well... it sounds like he has a set-up now that suits him, since he both is and isn't 'with' his wife..?

 

Is he getting to see you often or going to his wife then mother every night..? Are you two dating..? Do you know what he's said to his wife about why he's staying at his mother's..? It is more than likely she thinks he'll go back to her if she 'behaves' now... and he may well do that...

 

What is he saying about filing..? Does he have any plans or is he just drifting..?

[Seen_It_All]

I know this has been said time and time again but "it just happened"!

 

Sigh...no Guest, it didn't 'just happen.' You made CONSCIOUS CHOICES every STEP of the way in order for this happen. Own your sh*t, at least, will ya?

 

The position I am now in is really bizarre. He has left his wife and stays at his mums house.

 

LOL..he runs home to mommy at night? What a stand-up guy.

 

But he still hasnt told his wife that there's anything going on between me and him even though he has "left" her.

 

He hasn't left her. He's making his pitiful little 'stand' which doesn't say much because all he's doing is sleeping at mommy's. He's still home for the most part. Of course he's not going to tell his wife about his dirty little secret of a girlfriend. You need to get one thing clear - he's going to do everything in his OWN best interests. Not yours, not his kid's, not his wife's, but HIS OWN.

 

She has asked his young son to call the office sometimes which is as harrowing for my MM as it probably is for his son.

 

He's brought this all on himself. He has no one to blame but himself. Is he proud of his scummy behavior? Is he proud that he's reduced his family to this pathetic behavior?

 

I'm try to be as supportive as I can.

 

Hopefully you'll be supportive when he goes running back home to his wife. Because he will. Bet the farm on it.

 

But part of me thinks that now he has left, it's time that he probably told her that I'm in his life. I'm starting to get worried about why he isnt telling her.

 

You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than him admitting to his wife that he's a lying cheating skuzzball. Count on it.

 

I'm totally naive, I know, but is there anything staring me in the face that I'm missing?

 

Is this a trick question???? It's got to be.

[pricillia]

Not all situations are the same, so it sounds like this man is taking steps to leave this woman who thinks it is alright to hurt her husband... violence for any reason is just wrong.

 

I would not expect MM to tell her about you, even though I do not think that your are a dirty little secret, let him work things out, putting you in the mix will just make it worse for him, look at what she has done to him.

 

And I know what you mean by saying it just happened, you never know when you will meet someone that is special to you.

 

Not all situations are the same...

[pricillia]

And to the OP, please do not take the harsh replies to heart some people only think one way without thinking about how another my take thier reply...

[frannie]

You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than him admitting to his wife that he's a lying cheating skuzzball. Count on it.

 

And who can blame him after what happened last time?

[pricillia]

And who can blame him after what happened last time?

 

 

Frannie, the person that you replied to just puts in thier two cents does the damage and is gone....

 

 

Has no interest in helping just seeing it one way

[frannie]

Frannie, the person that you replied to just puts in thier two cents does the damage and is gone....

 

 

Has no interest in helping just seeing it one way

 

I realise that, but the OP probably does not. I hate to see people driven from asking questions or continuing to post, and I know I should butt out more... ta for the reminder

[pricillia]

I realise that, but the OP probably does not. I hate to see people driven from asking questions or continuing to post, and I know I should butt out more... ta for the reminder

 

Yeah I know I just wanted the OP to be aware as well. :)

[Guest]

Yeah I know I just wanted the OP to be aware as well. :)

 

Thanks so much for all of your advice - and I do mean all of it. I know it must be totally frustrating for some people to see OW ask questions about why their in a relationship that can bring so much pain. The problem is, it brings so much happiness as well. Its easy for people to ask "Why not just go and find yourself a nice single man?" But what if you've already been there? I've been in two long term relationships in my twenties, both which I worked at really hard and both which just didnt work out. Then I met MM and for all of my intelligence and instinct saying "NO!", I had to listen to my heart that this person was "The One".

 

I'm going to hang on in there for him, and for me. If my future has a chance of happiness with him then I'm okay to wait. If he returns home, it's his choice and I would support him in doing that.

 

I really like this site and thankyou to those who have replied. It does show two sides of the story too and I think in some instances OW are involved with some MM who could treat them a lot better. But there are also those who have relationships with MM who by rights are probably "their one". Good luck to you all, I really hope that love wins the day for those who have found it.

 

SG x

[erika2610]

Sigh...no Guest, it didn't 'just happen.' You made CONSCIOUS CHOICES every STEP of the way in order for this happen. Own your sh*t, at least, will ya?

 

 

 

LOL..he runs home to mommy at night? What a stand-up guy.

 

 

 

He hasn't left her. He's making his pitiful little 'stand' which doesn't say much because all he's doing is sleeping at mommy's. He's still home for the most part. Of course he's not going to tell his wife about his dirty little secret of a girlfriend. You need to get one thing clear - he's going to do everything in his OWN best interests. Not yours, not his kid's, not his wife's, but HIS OWN.

 

 

 

He's brought this all on himself. He has no one to blame but himself. Is he proud of his scummy behavior? Is he proud that he's reduced his family to this pathetic behavior?

 

 

 

Hopefully you'll be supportive when he goes running back home to his wife. Because he will. Bet the farm on it.

 

 

 

You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than him admitting to his wife that he's a lying cheating skuzzball. Count on it.

 

 

 

Is this a trick question???? It's got to be.

 

Just as you made your own choices when you were with your MM, though I'm sure you found some way to justify it the way many do. Can you please try not to be so harsh in your replies? You have been where many of us have, so you of all people, should know better than to just be so downright nasty in your replies.

[PoshPrincess]

Just as you made your own choices when you were with your MM, though I'm sure you found some way to justify it the way many do. Can you please try not to be so harsh in your replies? You have been where many of us have, so you of all people, should know better than to just be so downright nasty in your replies.

 

Well said! Replies like this really aren't helpful.

 

Guest, the way I see it, your MM is trying to ease the pain of his children and, to an extent, his W, who he probably feels he has hurt enough. Of course, he stands to gain from his W not knowing you two are 'together' too but I don't think he has made this decision purely for selfish reasons or anything. When I was with my MM and we talked about being together we both made a conscious decision for him not to immediately tell his W and kids that he was with me as them knowing he had left to be with someone else would only add to their pain. Once his W found out about us things changed dramatically, we didn't end up together and none of this was an issue, but we are still in touch and I know he didn't want to hurt his W and kids any more than he already had. She, like your MMs W, used the kids to get at him (and it worked!) and this must be any caring fathers biggest fear! I don't think for one minute that you are his 'dirty little secret'. Please just bear with him and hopefully things will get easier. Only time will tell how things are going to pan out but I am sure he has his reasons for dealing with things the way he is. At least he has made the first step by leaving the marital home and finding somewhere temporary to stay.

 

Lots of luck. I hope everything works out for you both.

[marlena]

Yes, they can get very violent ..and it is terrifying..when I was invovlved three years ago with MM, the W came after me and my daughter with a vengeance I had no idea could exist in a person's heart...I lived in sheer terror every day ...she made a point of that and it lasted for two years...I wound up having a nervous breakdown, got on medication and was ill for a a long time ...MM went back to her and I was humpty dumpty trying to put myself together again ... I have never been the same since...and I agree with Pureheart ..that can't be love ..love is peace and harmony...I have yet to still find that kind of love...Be weary, dear guest, my MM left for six months and came to live with me but he still went back when they tightened the screws on him....Best of luck really

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Marlena, Posh Princess, Movinon05, Lucrezia, Pureinheart, Erika - hope I havent missed anyone - thankyou so much for your advice and support. I have now registered but I am the guest who posted the thread. I have posted since but it hasnt come up yet so I thought I would post again - I apologise in advance if I'm repeating myself.

 

Seenitall - I do value this reply too. Sometimes its good to hear something thats not particularly nice to hear. I guess thats what this forum is all about.

 

I guess it's easy to knock the OW's. There is so much stereotyping about OW (insecure, desperate for male attention, unable to find own lover, cuckooing on other womens lives) and there's a lot of stereotyping about BW's too (didn't meet H's needs, insanely jealous). I think that every situation is different. There are MM who believe that it's their god-given right to seek other relationships. There's the MM who are bored and look for extra excitement. And there's the MM who simply fall out of love with their wife and fall in love with another.

 

I'm going to wait. At the end of the day this man has left his marital home, he has never given me any reason not to think that he wants me in his future. Its tough going, I guess I just got ahead of myself. He's seeking legal advice now regarding a D.

 

It's going to be really hard in the future too. His children are the priority and it's important that I try my hardest to ensure I am supportive of him. His wife is always going to be in his life as the mother of his children and deserves respect for that. She's so angry at the moment, understandably. I just hope its the end of the violence toward him as he's a human after all.

 

Lastly, I just wanted to note that it's easy for BW's to think of the OW as an enemy. There's those that believe affairs are wrong. To be perfectly honest, I used to believe the stereotype of an OW myself - until I became one. But I truly love this person. I'm a good person. I've always strived to be the best person I can. I think that you need to make your soul the best soul you can - it's the only thing you take with you after all. I wouldn't follow my heart unless I thought it was the right thing. That doesn't make what I have done right. But in my situation and in my life, love has never come along before. It has now and I think I'm doing the right thing.

 

Thanks again everyone, you've really helped my clarity