It's all starting to really sink in now.

[ryan05]

I left her because I got tired of fighting to repair our marriage when she had no interest in doing so. This was happening for 1 1/2 to 2 years. Her life over that time consisted of her, her career, and her friends. When I left her, she said "fine".

 

From the very few conversations I've had with her since then, she has realized that it was "defintely" the right thing to do. She's looking forward to being on her own, and doing things by herself. She hopes that we can still be friends.

 

It's been almost 2 weeks now since I left my her. And I've gone through many different phases already. The initial relief that I can now move on, to the realization that I'm own my own now, and I've got to get my ass in gear to get evreything ready so I can land own my feet through the transition.

 

Now I'm feeling somewhat depressed the last couple days. The house is almost sold, she's got her own apartment now, I'm still trying to find mine. I've got other unrelated issues that are bringing me down as well.

 

I'm thinking of her alot lately, and I really just want to spend some time with her, talk to her, hug her, kiss her, and just be with her. I keep reminding myself why I did what I did, and I still have no doubts that I did the right thing, but it doesn't help. At all. She thinks I wanted to do this, but I didn't. I was forced to do this. And it turns out that she was the one who wanted it the whole time but was to scared to do anything about it. This is one thing that I would love for her to know but she thinks I'm doing great and everything is fine and I'm moving on and we can be friends still and all is great. But really, thats not true. I just lost the love of my life.

 

I have doubts about myself, whether or not I can find someone as good as she was. Whether I should have tried harder and sacrificed more to fix our marriage. We had alot of problems, major ones, but we also had alot going for us too.

 

It would be so easy to do this if I hated her or she did something bad to me. But the way it all went down was we both knew what we had to do, we both agreed it must be done, and we both realize we're good people but maybe just not meant to be with one another. And in some respects, that makes it harder to get through the days without feeling that maybe I could of done something else to salvage to the marriage.

[amaysngrace]

Her life over that time consisted of her, her career, and her friends.

 

She's looking forward to being on her own, and doing things by herself.

 

She sounds inconsistent. I thought she was doing things on her own all along?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Truly.

 

Was she seeing someone on the side? Is that possible? She sounds very unloving and uncaring to me. Cold enough to do something like that to please herself from the way you've described her.

 

When you two were together did you want to spend more time with her but she'd never make time? Or were you content to go your own way as well?

[ryan05]

She sounds inconsistent. I thought she was doing things on her own all along?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Truly.

 

Was she seeing someone on the side? Is that possible? She sounds very unloving and uncaring to me. Cold enough to do something like that to please herself from the way you've described her.

 

When you two were together did you want to spend more time with her but she'd never make time? Or were you content to go your own way as well?

 

 

To this day, that question still remains unknown to me. I have my reasons to believe that there was someone else. But I am not entirely sure. There were red flags everywhere, and I mean everywhere, but I never knew for sure and she never admitted to anything. I can say this tho, my trust in her was not 100%, and that was very hard to deal with.

 

She was very on and off with her love towards me the last part of it all. It definitely was not unconditional love, and I guess if it didn't get in the way of the things she was doing, than she'd give her love to me. But if something I needed or wanted was inconvient for her, than there's no way, no if, ands, or buts about it. She'd do what she wanted to do regardless.

 

I loved spending time with her. I had my own life, my own friends, but I always loved hanging out and doing things with her. If it was a group atmosphere, or just the two of us (rarely happened), she was very fun to be around. But again, she had filled her schedule weekday nights, and weekends, for the most part to the point where I had to say "Thursday next week, I want to do something with you". There was so much distance between us and no matter how I reacted or tried, I could not find a way to close that gap.

 

Like I said before, I was forced to leave in a way. There's no way I could've dealt with wasted energy time and time again to try and repair our marriage. She was willing to coast and do her own thing while I wanted so much to try to help us, anything....counseling, books, vacations together, heart to heart talks, leaving things alone, presenting every emotion in the book...nothing worked!

 

Then the trust issue kept getting worse and worse and the distance got more and more and there was just no more light, no more tunnel. So this is what I decided to do, I didn't want to, but I had to. I was driving myself insane trying to deal with the madness.

 

I don't get it, if she is so happy now without me, and was so content to do her own thing while married to me, why the heck did she stay with me for so long.

 

I've been so stresseed out trying to cope, I've lost weight, lost hair, lost confidence, and now I've lost my wife.

[Oblivion]

I know just how you feel man, I really do. Im in almost the exact same situation now. Its been about 9 weeks for me, after a 12 year marriage similar to the one you describe. Its normal to feel how you do, from everything Ive read and heard and experienced myself, I know it to be true and common. The trick is, let her think youre happy, for now, take some time to evaluate everything, and to let her do the same. If it was meant to be then she will come to see that. Until then you have to keep busy and not grind your brain into dust wondering what might have been, maybe I should have done this or that because you will drive yourself nuts like I did.

 

Go excersise, get a hobby, hang with friends, go back to school. Do NOT sit around, watch TV etc. It will get better, with or without her. Until then clear your mind and take this chance to work on yourself. My marriage is 99% over, and I accept that. These things helped me and many others too.

[morephine]

Ryan,

I am going through the exact same thing right now in my marriage of 6 years (as of yesterday). I'm moving out Feb 1st and my wife in a lot of respects acts the exact same way as yours. The only difference between our marriages is that my wife kind of moves back and forth and still makes some time for me usually daily (usually only if I ask though), and that she doesn't work but absorbs herself in her friends online. What Oblivion is saying is true. I've been struggling with this for the past three months and it's even harder when you still live with that person. You need to get as busy as possible and try to make things as pleasant as possible the times you do spend with her. Even in a short conversation, make her think that you are on top of the world happy and content. If it was meant to be then she will begin to think about things and see that she really could be losing you. Worst case scenario is that you're making things easier for yourself to move on.

 

I know it's one of the hardest things to do not to dwell on things but it has to be done. For me, it took getting on anti-depressants and really focusing on school. For you, it could be different but you need to find that something that will take your mind of things.

[amaysngrace]

I don't understand something. You said you'd find it easier to move past it if she was a bad person. But that wasn't the case?

 

From where I'm sitting she doesn't really sound all that good. She sounds self-absorbed and cruel. She didn't treat you well at all. You say you had trust issues? What did she do to ease your mind? That's not love, my friend. Anything but.

 

I know you're sure you did the right thing by leaving. Stick with that. Even through all the emotions you know it is the very best thing you could do for yourself. Something provoked that in you to decide to go down that path. It was your internal instinct.

 

The marriage became more trouble than it was worth. It was draining you dry. It was leaving you low. That's no way to live.

 

I'm proud of you for leaving a situation that was not a positive. It takes a lot of moxy to do something so life-changing when the future is unknown. Sometimes we have to see where we are and know it's no good, bad enough even to do something about it. To make changes. To face an uncertain future.

 

I think right now you are experiencing "what if" thinking. This is destructive but it does happen. But I think it is really unfair of you to do this to yourself. You've left a destructive situation. Why keep destroying your thought process with the 'what ifs'? No matter what you think you could have done to make it work doesn't change anything now. It is what it is. And it was bad. She didn't turn out to be who you thought she was unfortunately.

 

I think you keep hoping she'll be who you wish she were rather than actually who she is.

 

Try your very best to shift focus off of her and onto you. I know it's hard. But try. Do things for yourself. Things she would have a problem with, enjoy those things now. Things that would irk her, do it. Relish in your freedom from this woman who was sucking you dry (and not in a good way) Be proud of your decision to make a choice to change your life. Get strength from that. Draw strength from you.

 

You're a very strong person.

 

XO

[dgiirl]

Things she would have a problem with, enjoy those things now. Things that would irk her, do it. Relish in your freedom from this woman who was sucking you dry (and not in a good way) Be proud of your decision to make a choice to change your life. Get strength from that. Draw strength from you.

 

lol for some reason, this gave me a perverse pleasure too. It definitely works. I remember learning to cook and taking any knife out of my knife set and feeling all proud i'm cutting veggies with the knife I choose. My ex would always tell me i was using the wrong knife, or telling me how to cut the veggies.

 

In any case, you dont know what she's feeling 24/7. Since you were the one to break up with her, perhaps she's trying to be strong and keep her emotions hidden from you. We're always telling the leavee to not show weakness around the leaver. To act like you've got it on, to hopefully make the leaver think twice about leaving and possibly attrack them back. Also, to manage the possible grief she's going through, she's probably overly focusing on the good things in her life, which is starting a new chapter in life. She can either sit there and dwell on your relationship, which will cause her pain, or focus on starting over again and all the new experience's she might experience. You were the one to leave, and so from her pov, she might not see a choice in this breakup but to only accept it.

 

I realize that you had no choice but to break up with her. But if she truely is a good person, she probably is greiving. She's just not showing that to YOU.

[ryan05]

Thank you all for your very kind words.

 

It was a rough day yesterday, but today is a new day and I feel alot better.

 

Oblivion & Morephine, I'm defintely trying to keep busy. I run and workout alot already, so I'm going to keep doing that for sure. I've got a half marathon in February and I'm actually planning on doing a full marathon this summer, so that should take care of alot of time.

 

I've got alot of good friends and a real awsome brother who are helping me through this right now. I know that there are going to be times where I feel like dirt and my mind will think of things I don't want it to, I'm just not sure how to deal with those times right now.

 

I don't see her that much because I'm staying at a friends house right now, but the few times I have seen her (minutes only), I have been very upbeat and positive. So has she. We are both putting on our happy faces, happy attitudes, and I think right now the chances of us getting back are slim to none. She has said we may still be friends after all has settled, but right now I don't think thats even a possibility.

 

Amaysngrace, you are right, she wasn't treating me with the respect, love, and courtesy a spouse should. And even though I told her time and time again that her selfish ways would eventually ruin us, I don't think she really understood, I mean 100% knew where I was coming from. I'm not talking about the last few months, I mean in the earlier stages of our downfall before it got out of control.

 

I guess I was eluding to if there was one thing, her cheating, her lying, her stealing, something, anything, that I could pinpoint and say her doing that, nothing could've repaired that, and that could make me not think twice about leaving her. But I'd be foolish if there were such a thing. What she did, I know deep down in my heart, was more than enough reason to walk.

 

I still think I did the right thing, I've no doubts. However, I'm really disappointed that she didn't want to change for me. We were high school sweet hearts, growning up together for the past 10 years. It's amazing that she became someone that didn't care about me or us.

 

I'll stop playing the what if game, and concentrate on looking forward. Thank you for being proud of me, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, bar none. To move on from someone who has been the best thing happen to you, because she was becoming the worst thing that has happened to you is a real real hard thing to do.

 

I will be strong as it is in my nature, it is in my blood. Thank you so much for replies, it truely does help to know that people care.

[ryan05]

I just wanted to say that it's been about a week later since I've last posted and I'm feeling much better about things now.

 

The initial smack of the separation hit me and hit me good. But I have come to grips with it and thought about why things turned out the way they did. And I realized that of course I'm going to miss her, but one thing I do not miss, is the pain of neglect and suffering. I have to try and stop thinking about the good times we had and realize that in the last year and a half, it was all those bad times that made me do what I did. And that keeps me from falling into that pit of agony.

 

I've had one conversation with her last week, I wanted to ask some questions I had for her, and she explained and appologized for how things turned out. Doesn't help much after all, but it was nice to hear.

 

Anways, who knows what the future holds. But I feel good about where I'm headed and whats in store for me.