Distracted Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 So I’m into week 2 of a break up of a six month relationship and it’s really hard not to fantasize about getting back together with him so I’m writing here instead of allowing myself to fall into that and I thought I’d share some of my thoughts that have been swirling around my head about why we as the ones left behind almost always seem to want that person back… even when the relationship wasn’t strong, even when that person was mean or hurt us, or just wasn’t worthy of us? Of course the human heart is complicated and one of the reasons is very likely that we did love and care for them and we are blinded by the pain of loss of that relationship but I been thinking about myself and this relationship and I realize that part of my hurt is based on what I perceive as my own failings in being about to detect the bullsh** love from the real thing. Early in relationships I’m very cautious… not giving away too much of my heart and I’m never the one who says “I love you” first. But once those words are out, I relax and then this shift happens. The moment those words are exchanged I don’t have nearly the same level of control anymore and I’m invested… then when the break-up happens I’m crushed. Why? Because once again I have let myself be fooled. Fooled by this promise of love that will last when in reality my instincts that this guy is not good enough for me… too immature, too selfish, unmotivated, etc. get lost in the muck of feelings I allow myself to develop because I see the best in him… so not only am I being unceremoniously dumped, it’s by a guy I could even see myself married to. At this point I’m really fed up! I don’t want to be cynical about men… but this pattern of heartache is giving me baggage that I really don’t want and makes it closing off emotionally completely so appealing. How do we keep from becoming closed to the possibility of love? To allow myself to continuously chance that love can be real and not bullsh** without leaving myself open to more pain and disappointment?
blind_otter Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 I faced this dilemma the second time I was raped. Part of me wanted to shut off all men from my life, forever, because they had repeatedly been a source of anguish, physical pain, and victimization to me. I had a history of sexual violence directed towards me since I was a little girl. I realized, at that point, that if I closed myself off from men, from the possiblity of love, from my own heart -- that I would be letting every man who ever hurt me win. And the only person who would lose from my closing off my heart, was ME. You HAVE to leave yourself open to pain and disappointment. Feeling that enriches your soul. Makes you think more deeply, and teaches you a poignent lesson, IMO, that you couldn't learn from an easier path. Pain and disappointment are part of being human, part of the large, rich tapsetry that is humanity.
Sand&Water Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 RE: This is a temporary phase, you are going through, Distracted. You may not believe so, right now -or in the next couple of months, but it is -and it will pass. You will learn, experience, discover, and appreciate the stings of broken love. It is these stings that causes one to undeniably value and chase dreams -the one man that can light one's world. I have been down this road, before. It is a dark gray, depressing, and distressful journey of unsettling turmoil. Completely closing off emotionally is not appealing. It internalizes your frustration, and anger, entail causing greater self-hatred. The way you handle pain, and hurt is what makes you who you are -love is only the sweet byproduct of human fusion. Learning to understand how you function in relationships is remarkably something you should treasure for the future. Don't expel this phase from your system. Embrace it. Take the time to be open with yourself about your status quo in romantic and platonic relationships. Best of Luck to you, Sand&Water
sunangel Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 I honestly feel the same! It's funny how i never get too close at the beginning but then i give in and i'm in for trouble! Sometimes i even think are we just in Love with the thought of being in Love! Something to think about......
kel30 Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Distracted, thank you answering my post. We are in the same sort of situation, even though each case has its own stories. I hope we can keep in touch and tell each other what's happening because it makes me feel a little better when I read postings from my new "friends" to give me courage to get going! It's really strange when the person you opened up to cuts you from his life with no explanation whatsoever. I wonder if it was lack of guts to say it or if it's just a time he needed to sort things out. What I can't stand is the "limbo" like you said. It would be so much easier to make things clear... But that makes us 2...going on week 2 with no calls, no nothing. Hopefully we will work things out...until then let's make the effort not to contact our guys and hope for the best!
Author Distracted Posted January 11, 2007 Author Posted January 11, 2007 Thank you all for your responses and words of wisdom. Blind Otter, when I start feeling sorry for myself I will think of what you have been through and hope that I can have a little of the amount courage that you have. Its some sort of Karma I think sometimes because I spent many years of dating really protecting myself and never letting things progress past a certain point. Usually about the 3 month mark. And I began to wonder if I was capable of falling in love. Then in the past 5 years I have opened up and let two men into my heart... and now I feel like both were wrong choices to do so. I guess that some day I will look back and not regret that I did because I certainly have learned a lot from each, but its so hard to feel that you can't trust yourself or professed feelings when the men you let in claim to love you and then walk away. How can love simply disappear without warning? I don't want to revert to running away all the time this doubt is going to linger with me for awhile, I can feel it.
blind_otter Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 It's like a grieving process when you lose faith in someone because they betray your trust. Go easy on yourself and accept that you are grieving about your loss. It's OK to allow yourself moments of doubt and sadness, as long as you can pull yourself up when you need to and realize that life isn't so bad after all....
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