SpiderLilly Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 Hi all...I'm new to the forum and am in need of advice and insight. About two months ago, my husband of three years told me he wanted a divorce. We'd been having problems for the last year, but particularly in the last seven months or so. We went to counseling twice and he refused to go back, saying he understood his problems and was working on them, while I was doing nothing (which is entirely untrue--he basically got it backwards). Anyway, after I moved out I thought back on several things, some of which are: -He would often leave the room when talking on his cell phone. -He went out without me more often, which I didn't consider unusual since we've always been okay with having "me" time. -On one of those occasions that I know of, he was wearing cologne, which I had to BEG him to do for me. -He had a habit of storming out of the house when he was angry, but it seemed more and more like he was picking a fight to achieve this outcome. -According to phone records, he talked to the suspected other woman (who is an ex-girlfriend) very early in the morning one day...that same day, he came home, picked a huge fight, and we ended up separating for a month. (The first three items I listed occured after our separation ended.) -During our separation, he told me I no longer turned him on, he was looking at other women more than usual (which I didn't think was possible), and asked if I'd considered gastric bypass surgery. I later found out that he told me all these things the day after a 3 hour conversation with the suspected other woman. -Phone records indicate he's been talking regularly with this ex-girlfriend for about seven months, and hiding it from me. -Not long after things started getting really bad between us, we had a fight and he left the house and stayed gone overnight and did not return until late the next night. He told me he'd stayed with a friend. When I asked him if that was where he REALLY was, he got extraordinarily angry and defensive. In addition, phone records indicate he talked to the suspected other woman the very day he left and stayed gone overnight. -After I moved out permanently, I went back to our house one day to make sure I hadn't left anything behind. I found an empty condom wrapper in the living room, which most certainly was not there when I left--nor was it left over (it was a specific brand that came in a three pack and I didn't like it and did not use it again; there was one of them left and one empty wrapper). I also need to add that a very close family member had a stroke in March of this year, and I became very depressed about it. He was completely non-supportive and annoyed that I was upset over it. The last item pretty much clinched it for me...although I was already 95% certain that was the nature of the beast. I'd just like some more opinions. Thanks in advance! SpiderLilly
bklk1227 Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 I had a brief affair 7 years ago and my wife is currently in an affair right now. All signs point to yes in your case. I know I did everything I could to distance myself from my wife in the time leading up to the eventuality of me leaving. I found fault in every part of our relationship. When I finally left, it took me only a few days to realize what a terrible mistake I made and thankfully my wife took me back. Ask him direct and hope that he still cares enough to be honest. If not, then thank the gods that he did it sooner rather than later.
lorr Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 I know things are hard right now, but see this divorce as a fresh start for you. Your husband seems like an insensitive pig, and he is not worth your time and energy. Your going through alot, and the best thing that you can do is take care of yourself.
norajane Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 Yes, it sounds like he's having an affair. I hope you are keeping copies of all these cell records. Check into his credit cards and find out where he's spending too - dinners out or hotels, maybe? Use this information to get a good settlement in your divorce. And don't look back - he's bad news.
Author SpiderLilly Posted January 10, 2007 Author Posted January 10, 2007 Thanks for the feedback. I'm not looking back...believe me, I never wanted to be with him again after he told me he wanted a divorce. He's most definitely bad news. Mainly I just needed some validation that I wasn't paranoid or letting my imagination run wild. Thanks again!
Dadaal Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I am a man and that man seems to be in a hot pursuit of a woman - be that ex or not. What I know for sure is if a man wears a perfume in such times, he is looking for an attracation or he has got already a date. THis is very clear to me but Iam not sure if others will agree with me. I did several times like that while in a relationship.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Wow, those signs are pretty obvious!! I am glad that you want out!! why would someone want to stay after their SO say that they want a divorce. I have enough esteem that if someone does not want to be with me, I won't try to win them back - what's the point?
RecordProducer Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 About two months ago, my husband of three years told me he wanted a divorce. ................. I found an empty condom wrapper in the living room, which most certainly was not there when I left He definitely had sex with someone. However, I don't think you should beat yourself up about what he is doing. This will only destroy your self-esteem. You need to re-build it now. You are vulnerable right now so spare your nerves and repeat to yourself all the time that it's over and you don't want him. Because you really don't want someone who doesn't want you. Why he doesn't want you is irrelevant. Things would have been easier if he told you he was gay or mentally ill; you wouldn't suffer from broken vanity. But it's the worst option - another woman - so there is no need for you to dwell on it. You will drown in anger and misery and not achieve anything if you start thinking about what's going on. Simply accept the fact that it's over. He is history. A dead man for you. Move on and try to avoid any contact with him in the future. It sounds like you don't have children. So make the financial settlement and turn a new page. As Lorr said, be excited about starting a fresh new life. And lose some weight, it's not healthy... Then start dating guys and feeling like the sexy woman you are.
Author SpiderLilly Posted January 11, 2007 Author Posted January 11, 2007 Self-esteem isn't an issue for me, ESPECIALLY now that he's out of my life. As for the gastric bypass...I should've mentioned that although I'm overweight, many people, including doctors, have told me I'm not so overweight that gastric bypass is an option. Plus, I *am* losing weight. I've lost 20 pounds over the last year, which may be slow, but I've maintained the downward trend, and I'm happy with that. There's no doubt whatsoever in my mind that I'm interesting, attractive, talented, fun, smart, AND sexy. So I'm overweight. I'm much more aware of what I eat, and how much, and I'm more active than I used to be. I'm okay with slow weight loss, mainly because I'm doing it for ME, not anyone else. I'm not insecure...I'm ANGRY. It's funny, though...every time I start thinking "Why on earth would he want someone else when he had me?" it dawns on me that it's not about me--it's about him and his inability to be happy with himself, which leads him to blame others (namely me) for his unhappiness, and when that gets old, instead of realizing that the problem is him, he looked for someone else to "fix" the problem. Know what I mean? I realize that doesn't apply in all situations; however, after knowing this man for 12 years, I know how he operates. Anyway, thanks for all the added replies. Just making sure I'm not overreacting.
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