hmmm

[ELENA25]

Hi everyone

Just need a lil help here on,, what to do?

I'll try to be as short as possible,i am now legally seperated for going on 2 years this spring (been in works about 3 in total.Like most seperations it got kinda nasty,in our case there was alot of interferance from ppl (so called best friend) mine.We were trying to make things work but this person would have no part of that & proceeded to cause alot of devastion with lies etc.To this day i still don't understand why or what they got out of all this chaous.We as a couple ended up seperating and hating one another.When he (ex) finally came to his senses & realized what had happened i was already moved out and seperation was under way. He realized he should of had more faith in me not heresay. I was devastated & very hurt by what he believed of me & very angry that he would even think i was capable of such things.This was what made up my mind to leave,i really wasn't ready to end a 20 year marriage but i felt i had no choice.He & she made that decision for us :(It was a horrible ordeal & at the time was enough to make my head spin.After a couple months aprt my ex tried to appoligize & said he'd hope someday i would forgive him & perhaps start to date again.Well i never said no & was always civil.I continued on with my life,i would here about him dating diff women here & there.Seemed like i would hear from him only when he was in btwn relationships per say.Most didn't last long.He "now" was dating someone & would call me and tell me how great she was yadda yadda & ask for marriage certificate so he can move on,talked about moving in with her selling the house all that crap,,,so much for wanting to reconcile huh?Out of sight out of mind i guess.I will admit i have pondered the idea of getting our lives back to the way it was but after talking with him about how great his new g/f is yadda yadda & him asking me at every possible chance for the marriage cert i figured this was it. time to move on.So i myself starting dating a diff fella.Well right now this guy i am seeing is good to me ,but i really don't know where we're headed just taking my time for now.Now all of a sudden my ex is calling again, not wanting certificates but i hear through the grape vine Miss wonderful wasn't all that wonderful & he's split with her.Been about 2 weeks now i guess,i didn't let on i know when he called.He wants to meet for coffee,,omg what the hell does he want,,,,i am so torn right now i don't know if i really wanna put myself in this situation ,,but i feel he wants to get back together.What do i do ?Do i meet with him & see what the hell he wants or do i play it safe & avoid him.I don't wanna make a bad choice ..i do still wonder if we;d ever be able to get back together but then again i wonder if i could ever get past what happened & move along as with him,,would he be able to move on.He sure moved along quite quickly so far.And what about my new fella is this fair to him?OMG what a mess i wanna hide away.Anyhoo sorry for all the babbling over here,i tried to get as much details in as i could without sounding like i'm off my stick haha.Any advice is greatly appreciated.I tend to be a lil too forgiving at times & i so don't wanna make any mistakes.Thanks for your time

[Zaira]

Hmmm, don't you think you've already answered your own questions? They guy obviously has a real problem with relationships. I wonder if he has just flit from one to the other, and then when something slight goes wrong he just walks rather than tries to sort the issues out.

 

If you've found someone, and you think there is a possible future with the, why oh why would you ruin it by going back to your ex?

 

Unless you truly love your ex and can see a way of making the relationship work, I'd try and block him from your life, or proceed with a divorce. Otherwise you're going to be on this roller coaster ride for the rest of your life.

[Ladyjane14]

What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose.

 

Trouble is... men oftentimes have a real problem breaking their emotional bond with their wife. Even though he knows intellectually that you two have split, some little part of him will always consider you to be his.

 

What that means emotionally is that some other guy is trying to 'make time' with his wife!

He'll react jealously, of course. Not only is he still bound to you emotionally, but if some other guy snaps you up... his route of possible return is blocked.

 

For all intents and purposes, this guy is treating you like his 'back-up' plan. If he was sincere, his pursuit of you would be purposeful, and NOT just a sidebar between other women.

 

Frankly though, if he hasn't made the internal changes that would allow him to be a good partner, it really shouldn't matter to YOU if he's sincere or not. Unless he's made changes, he's still the same guy who blew it last time.

 

All in all, his fear of ending up alone is NOT your problem.

[ELENA25]

Hi Zaira,thanks for taking time to read my long winded post.I suppose i do know,but,,,i also can't help but feel that the way things ended with us that perhaps things might of been different ya know.I have found even now after all this time i still think about what we had & wonder.I still cry over it as well.Will i ever be able to move on with this new fella,when i am always in the back of my mind wondering.Is it possible to start again & forgive??That i suppose is something nobody can really answer.I can't help but think i should at least hear what he has to say,,perhaps he too wonders.One day at a time i guess,,omg life is such fun huh?Thanks for your input hun i truely appreciate it.Will keep you posted:)

[PWSX3]

I don't see anyplace in what you wrote where he has shown you he is changing or changed, the only thing it sounds like to me is he is showing you he hasn't tried to make himself better in fact he is worse because he can't live on his own and he needs people to make him happy, he can't do it on his own.

 

When you were together did he help you around the house, help you grocery shopping, etc? Why I ask this is because it sounds like he needs someone to take care of him and maybe that is the only reason he is wanting to get back with you because like you said; the last girlfriend didn't work out so he needs to find someone else and you are the lucky/unlucky one!!!

 

If you do meet with him and you do talk with him, just listen to how many times he says "I need" and that should give you a good idea of wether he wants to get back with you for the right reasons or if it's because "he" needs someone to make "him" happy.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

I do believe you should meet up with your ex-husband for coffee, Elena25 -and not because it is an easy release of tension but because, in the grand scheme of things, it could unveil much needed truth.

 

First off: Change. Yes, I am talking about overall change in your ex's outlook on the separation, life, and most importantly you. I don't, even, think he has realized the true nature of what the marriage once was, and how it unfolded.

 

Are you willing to take back, the same man you married, simply because he is showing faint signs of change -or perhaps regret? What makes you so certain of his intentions [ -IF any at all]?

 

Truth is: Your ex is not realistically linking together the pieces of the puzzle -life and what it meant to have you in his life as a partner in crime.

 

It is too late. He had the opportunity to fix the damage in the marriage, but he allowed it to unfold into a separation. What is worse, right now, is that he has no drive to get you back -IF that is what he genuinely wants.

 

He seems so lost. Lost at sea, without a paddle.

 

I believe you should meet up with him -and not to toss him pieces of hope but to greater inspire your chances of success in your future/relationship and attain some peace of mind.

 

With all due respect, I hope you have your head screwed on right going into this next phase in your life. Ultimately, to see yourself do something foolish is a trip you want to avoid.

 

Stay Strong.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[Guest]

I laugh at one end, but on another but inside I cry. Let ME explain. I had a gift to entertaining. So my agent told me enlarging my breast would make me more appealing! So I haphardardly beleived him. Truthfully my feelingss were all there to endorse this belief since 'everyone' does it. Lo and behold as time went through rough times of rejection I did it. Not out of desparation but my inner soul just could not continue with the overall rejection I kept getting. Expecially my current job was fragile; would hold me through till I got the One to move on. Friends and family alike didn't encourage my choice of level position and frankly I being too independant didn't quite know what lies ahead for me. How could they? I tend to keep mum of my direction. Casa sa ra.

 

Now, I have taken inventory on my life and have noted my higher plane that I was just a number. Therefore I am must secure of future misshaps. But of course others would disagree. "No Sir, my dear Watson." Legitimately I will press on.

But we all have read and know what happened to Baby Jane, or the Miss Marilyn Monroe. Were they innocent victims, or caught up in this spiel or doing it for the purpose? In a devious role of transactions, we learn what other have in mind and follow thru. Seeing is not believing. What goes on behind closed doors eventually becomes everyones ideal, and then it no longer is a big secret. People in that field are all known to factor. Times change. And change, it does.

 

So in effect, I did the deed, loving to my hearts content, the new look, and playing different roles came my way. Wow, exciting and attractive led to more money and enhanced my outlook. I was over my head, and the audience it captured! The roles came in, and where I once had to watch my pennies, I didn't check my bank acct! But as time rolls on, where you once tread, you forget those who really loved you for what you are, and you take advantage, or for granted and hurt those you thought loved you. I did. I trusted to find they used me to their hearts content. So did my agent.

 

So now, with hearing and reading how people move on. I realize I am just the same person inside. That those roles I played with all my soul would have no real meaning unless I did it from the heart. Taking the time whatever it required, so be it. I researched and played out to my heart content until I felt I was ready to take on the world!

 

So in effect, enhancing one's self through the trials, I now see who were my true friends, that when MY times got rough they through me to the curb and jumped in when the times were jolly. Leaving behind a trail of my tears that were hidden, alone and hurt. They said, She's sitting high, and won't notice, her bank is full. But it wasn't. I had more, but the structure of events, whether amounts do scale down, that more is not always bigger. People have such low value when they constantly think only of themselves.

 

Apparently did. Now, I guess I just take my loss at this time, since, "Let the Good times Roll" are over. By my latest review anyway...

 

There is no turnig back, yeah I can surgically remove my 'enhancement' but it was just another reach to balance of keeping up with the young and the beautiful. Something I never had, and when I thought I found it, I was let down again. It broke my heart to feel. Loss. Take it away.

 

So, yeah, believe in your heart. It doesn't lie. You can be onscreen, with all the enhancements jitter on about, they laugh they cry, but I KNOW now, what goes on to make it look good to wait for more, the charity. Others wait on the sidelines, then use it to their expense, Everyone gets their cut. I do the hard work. After yesterdays review, I feel weak to the very core. I was just used and stolen from.

 

Hence you go home alone.

 

So much like consistent belief, that bigger is better. Now thanks to you, all I really no. But, within myself, true friends that act like they are, are just that.

 

 

Anyway, this not only hardens you, truth be told it is written, as others who endorse these chaotic politics, pay the price. It is a sad medium. One I had expressed to in private long ago. To get to that point was not a shared moment but difficult to say the least. Hence, I cry alone...

[ELENA25]

RE:

 

I do believe you should meet up with your ex-husband for coffee, Elena25 -and not because it is an easy release of tension but because, in the grand scheme of things, it could unveil much needed truth.

 

First off: Change. Yes, I am talking about overall change in your ex's outlook on the separation, life, and most importantly you. I don't, even, think he has realized the true nature of what the marriage once was, and how it unfolded.

 

Are you willing to take back, the same man you married, simply because he is showing faint signs of change -or perhaps regret? What makes you so certain of his intentions [ -IF any at all]?

 

Truth is: Your ex is not realistically linking together the pieces of the puzzle -life and what it meant to have you in his life as a partner in crime.

 

It is too late. He had the opportunity to fix the damage in the marriage, but he allowed it to unfold into a separation. What is worse, right now, is that he has no drive to get you back -IF that is what he genuinely wants.

 

He seems so lost. Lost at sea, without a paddle.

 

I believe you should meet up with him -and not to toss him pieces of hope but to greater inspire your chances of success in your future/relationship and attain some peace of mind.

 

With all due respect, I hope you have your head screwed on right going into this next phase in your life. Ultimately, to see yourself do something foolish is a trip you want to avoid.

 

Stay Strong.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

 

Hi & thank u for your input it is truely appreciated.

I have decided to meet with my ex & see what he has to say.I think i need this for myself ,to finally perhaps put some closure to all this.

I am scared to death really,i have finally started to move on which took me more time then he.But as hard as it was i am moving forward & trying to be strong.

Like you said ,i too don't think he really sees the true scope of what happened,he truely is living in his own little world indeed.And i know deep down after all this,, it is too late.He hasn't made much if any effort to fix what happened,as long as he had a woman, any woman in his life he was fine.Out of site out of mind,Good god i would think i deserve a little more then that.Damn it i know i do.Was only a month ago he was ranting on how happy he was yadda yadda,,,so get on with it then for god sakes,Now i suppose i am supposed to just kneel down & feel grateful he may want me back?Ummmmm hell no,,,it would take alot more then he would ever be capable of.

I am scared to death that the "sucker" or should i say stupid" part of me will come out during our meeting & i will get sucked in per say.I have really seen a change in myself through all this & i sure am hoping that person will come out & back me up haha!!

I will try to keep you posted,thanks again,,

[ELENA25]

Hi again

Well i finally got up enough courage to meet with the ex.I was right he does want to try again.What an ackward meeting this was i must say.

We had a coffee & small talk for quite awhile then he told me he & Miss wonderful had split up.I played stupid about having the heads up on this already & listened to what he had to say.He then started talking about us perhaps trying again and how he wasn't ready to through away 20 yrs without trying again.

My stomach was in knots,i almost lost it.I couldn't believe it,they've only been split what 2 weeks tops."What am i your back up plan".He didn't like that,, but hey i told him how i felt.He then proceeded to tell me he's been thinking about this for a long time.Ummm i proceeded to remind him that just a few weeks ago you made a point of phoning me to brag about taking your Miss wonderful away to Cuba for xmas & how everything was soooooo great.He wasn't in that frame of mind then,, now was he?

Anyhow the conversation was uncomfortable to say the least.I told him he needs to take time by himself & figure out what he really wants.And if i was really on his mind all this time he should of come to me a year & 1/2 ago things may have been different.Like what the hell does he want me to say?

I really was stunned and didn't give him much feedback,only how hurt i was & still am over what happened.And told him i wasn't in that frame of mind right now,and never said yes or no.And he said he'd leave the decision up to me and to take my time.Wow isn't that nice of him.I also reminded him i wasn't the one that decided to end 20 years so badly & quickly it was him and that other party that made that decision for me.So don't expect a quick response buddy,,,,(never said that just thought it ,,should of perhaps.

Anyhow i went about my evening as usual,trying not to let this upset me.The next day i get a message on my machine saying how sorry he was for last night,i should of kept my mouth shut,i know your seeing someone i hope it works out.OK so what the hell is that supposed to mean exactly??

OMG what do i do with this guy,one minute he';s pouring his heart out to me & next it's like "oh never mind what i said" lol.Good greif.....

Any insight would be appreciated guys cause i really don't know what to think here Thanks again