Guest Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 Hello. I am 22 and have been with my husband for almost 5 years. We have a 7 month old son. About 3 years ago I had an affair and my husband found out horribly, lets just say I didn't tell him. I begged him not to leave and he didn't. We stayed together and worked on things. I never talked to the man I cheated with or any of the people who were bad influences on me after. I even quit my job so that we could be together more and work on things. I threw myself into everything 110%. When we moved about 3 months later, my husband met a girl that he was in a class with at work. He was still angry about things that happened before and I went home for a week to see family. While I was gone he slept with that girl. When I came home we talked and decided to stay together and work on things. A couple months after that I was pregnant. I don't believe anything has happened since, however we're still not doing great. I feel like he's a really good friend, but nothing more. I don't like it when he throws himself at me or tries to be affectionate at all. It just bothers me. I'm going to a counselor for depression and eventual marriage counseling once a week. I feel stuck because my husband is a good guy and I think he deserves someone who treats him better than I do, like a good husband should be treated. I am a stay at home mom and I feel like I am losing intelligence doing nothing but cooking, cleaning and taking care of my son. I love my son so much, and I don't like the idea of taking him 2000 miles away from his dad (if we split up and I go home, thats on the other side of the country). I just don't know how to make myself feel more for my husband. He deserves better than me. Am I just being selfish wanting to leave? I could stay here and make everyone in our family happy and keep my son with his dad or try to make a new start back home. How do I know that my feelings aren't going to change? I've felt this way for about 6 months, but it was a gradual change in our closeness (for lack of a better word) ever since the affairs. How do i know when to give up or keep trying? and is it even reasonable to wonder how to not feel guilty?
silktricks Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 How do I know that my feelings aren't going to change? I've felt this way for about 6 months, but it was a gradual change in our closeness (for lack of a better word) ever since the affairs. How do i know when to give up or keep trying? and is it even reasonable to wonder how to not feel guilty? I think your last sentence is very telling. Your guilt is driving you away from this man. Whether or not you stay together, you can't drown in guilt your entire life. What you did, you did. What he did, he did. Neither of you can go back and undo your prior actions much as you may want to. The counseling is really good. See if you can do some individual couseling as well, as you need to deal with your own feeling of guilt, and learn how to forgive yourself. (It's way easier said than done.) Good luck to you.
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Try to capture what it was that brought the two of you together years ago. You both messed up big time by cheating...But, marriage counselling, communication and the DESIRE to want to make it work has to happen. Give it time and try your best. I think the love is there, and the counselling will help you both deal with the pain, the mistrust and betrayal...Hopefully you two can work through it all and get to the other side. You both owe it to your child to make the best go at it, give it atleast a year.
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